Well it has been a while.....

And for that I am sorry. All I can say is that when life decides to shit on you, it really does shit on you. And that sums up my last few weeks really.

Without going into too much detail, because it is not all my own story to tell, my family has been hit with an illness, two members of my family have had a car accident (it was not either of our fault. seriously), I fell off my bike ( in front of lots of people during a triathlon) I cried during a staff meeting ( I am still mortified), people who I chose to leave in the past insist on still rearing their ugly heads, and I am not sleeping. I have also finished the series of Breaking Bad and I have a very big void in my life. I am missing Jessie Pinkman.

 I am also so far behind in The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and The Celebrity Apprentice that I have almost lost interest. Almost.

Times like this are interesting because it is quite easy to fall into the " Holy shit my life is shit" frame of mind. But I struggled to make myself see the bright side. And it went something like this

• I got to see One Direction. I love One Direction in an almost creepy kind of way. But they are just so cute. And the concert had fire works. Harry Styles and fireworks. Sigh

• My life is usually pretty damn awesome. My life is usually sunshine and lollipops. Right now it is overcast and anchovies. And no one likes anchovies. But they do dissolve when you cook them.
• I now have a cleaning lady.
• I am really loving work at the moment. Finally I can see where the saying " Love what you are doing and you will never work a day in your life"comes from. Work does not seem like work right about now. Even when parents are swearing at me. My catch phrase has become " Yes - I can hear that you are upset."
• I have realised once again that my friends are pretty damn awesome. They are caring, funny and supportive. My friends and work buddies are the very best.
• When I wake up in the morning I find my kitty cats and puppy dogs asleep on my bed. This makes me so happy it it almost pathetic.
• When you are sad it is perfectly acceptable to drink too much alcohol and have a little cry. No one judges you for being a boozehag, they just pat you on the back and say " Oh you poor thing".
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• I have been so busy/ overwhelmed I have not had a chance to get bored/frustrated/annoyed with My Kitchen Rules. Which is good because it means I still like it.
• I can now successfully swim in the ocean without swallowing half the ocean. And this is good. 
• For 24 hours I was really happy because I heard that Prince Harry was dating Emma Watson. If Prince Harry has to date an Emma and it can't be me- it can be her. And then she said it wasn't true. Still hope for me.
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• I have discovered Goggle Box on the tele. And it is HILARIOUS.
• When you are sad your husband will go to the shops and buy you jam and cream doughnuts. And he won't eat them before you get to them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Did I mention that I have a cleaning lady?

So when you life is feeling a little bit miserable- know that no matter how crappy you days have been just think of me. Because mine has been worse. But it can only get better...

MKR Night 2, or the great smoked fiasco.

Wow- did we all survive last nights excitement? I admit to being a little underwhelmed, but figured that seeing as they are in my home town, I had better watch. I love playing the guessing game of trying to work out where they live. 

We open to a beautiful view of the river. I am thinking maybe Manning? My cousin texts me, she tells me it is North Perth. They are shopping at their Coles. We then move to a montage of them fishing on the beach, because they love the beach. I have decided I really don't like them, even though she is wearing a Wheels and Dollbaby dress. They are shopping in Leederville and she is jumping in the street. She is really annoying. Like really.  

They choose their fish. And she jumps again. They choose their crayfish, she dances again. And then they run to the car. Then they run through Coles. Then she skips. Then she runs back to the car. She says she is getting hot. Maybe she should stop running. She runs into the house anyway. Kat really needs to step away from the Red Bull. They tell us once again that they love they beach. 

Cooking starts and Kat is getting stressed now, he is cooking. She is smoking her Cod. I am beginning to understand why she has so many jobs. She is obnoxious. They are worried they are going to oversmoke their Cod. I know they are worried because they music is very suspenseful. 

The guests arrive, they talk about how harsh they are going to be. The Texan drawls and the Mean Girls are mean. They all squeal, people are "amped", and everyone is being nice to everyone's faces. There are lots of "wows' and we are told once again there is a beachy theme.  Ash tells everyone that she "froths for scallops" - (what does that even mean?), and that the cutlery is wrong. 

The boy ( I can't remember his name but she calls him Babe a lot) tells us that if he doesn't cook the fish properly...it will be raw. God help me. Hurry up Pete and Manu. They arrive looking like Tuco's cousins in matching suits . Thats the Breaking Bad reference for tonight. 

This is Tuco's Cousins

This is Pete and Manu

While we are waiting for the entree Camilla and Manu are talking French. I am starting to feel awkward. Please let the entree arrive.

                            
Entree is Smoked Cod with Crunchy Mash and Cabbage and Leek.  Babe and Babe are happy. Will it be smoky enough????? OMG! Ash can't smell the smoke! and the portions are small!!! The Tuco's cousins  are looking at each other... and.......... the mash is bland and the cod is not smoked enough. Damn. Pete tells them about Paleos, sorry ratios. Babe and Babe are no longer happy. Everyone else just keeps saying smoked. Smoked, smoked,smoked.

Lets get onto the main. This  is actually a crayfish ravioli. It would appear that Channel 7 doesn't think much of it either because they have cut off the picture. I actually really wish they would bring out the main course because now Annie is being annoying. She is also talking about her love of musicals. I am starting to think that maybe Lloyd is perhaps gay. Main is taking FOREVER. So Robert has time to tell a story. The moral of the story is that cows can bite.

Meanwhile in the kitchen the pasta is drying out, Kat can't count, her hand gestures are getting more severe, it is all turning to shit. The guests have been waiting for 2 hours. Everyone is hungry. Oh dear they are going to be even more hungry after the main, they are only getting 2 ravioli. 

The Tuco twins are not happy. Neither are the Babes. The guests are good though. They like nothing better than the other teams stuffing up. The dish was crap and under cooked. Now lets not speak of it ever again.

The Chocolate tarts are looking the bomb. How can you go wrong with a chocolate tart with Raspberries and creams??? You can make it too small thats how.I can see a Maccas run on the way home, with a Red Rooster chaser. Manu tells them they are stingy. Pete is pissed (because he is breaking his paleo for this?????).

The scores are harsh all round. They hit the bottom of the leaderboard. If I have said it once I will say it again. Lets never talk of this again... 

Tomorrow night is the Cowboy from Texas, and his daughter who doesn't talk. I just hope he cooks faster than he speaks.

MKR 2015 Edition.

I'm not going to lie- I am writing this begrudgingly. I am still a little bit dark with the old MKR because as some of you know I had a phone interview to be a contestant on this series. Apparently I failed the interview (as my friend Nicole- who was to be my partner keeps reminding me). So I can already hear the contempt and judgement in my voice before the show even begins.

I am coming into this blind because I don't watch a whole lot of commercial tv these days, so I know almost nothing about the contestants at all. In fact the only thing MKR I know lately is the one of the judges- Pete Evens cracked it at a promotional event because people were not listening. He has obviously never been in a classroom. But I know why he is so angry. It is because the poor man is hungry. Man can not live on Paleo alone. There is a reason those cave men died you know.

So MKR 2015- Lets do this.

We start with a montage, quotes, tears,and people getting 10's. You know- the usual.Two minutes in and someone has already said " going to smash this." Which we all know is code for- "Oh no they're not"

First cabs off the rank are Jac and Shaz. They are in their 40's are from Mt Isa in Queensland and are party mums (aren't we all girls, aren't we all) They don't do any of that fancy pants nonsense.  They also have the thickest Australian accents I have ever heard.Which juxtaposes well with Manu's french accent and the Texan who we haven't met yet. Jac and Shaz also say " Hey" which is Queensland for " Isn't that right."

Well Mt Isa  (sorry Mt Izzza) looks delightful. As someone who has been there, I don't remember it quite looking like that. Oh God- Shaz sells Thermomix. And Jac's owns an exclusive boutique. Second cliche of the night- They cook "honest food". I'm still not sure what that is. Shaz also talks like everything thing ?she says? is a question? And raises every last? Syllable?

So on the menu today is Zucchini and Potato Rosti Stack with Smoked Salmon and Creme Fraiche. Main is Rack of Lamb with Crushed Potatoes (what is wrong with just a good old fashioned potato? Why must it be smashed or crushes or cracked?) and Lemon Green Beans . Desert is a Pear and Walnut crumble.  With and added surprise of gorgonzola. That is a surprise. A gross surprise. Like finding gorgonzola in your crumble.

Restaurant " Stack" is prepared and the girls hit the kitchen. Third cliche for the night " It's real" has just been wheeled out.  Meanwhile the girls get started on their 'Stack" get it? Shaz starts bossing Jac- but she loves it (her words). Look not much is happening really. They seem to have it all under control. Damn it. Or do they????

The guest arrive and already we have seen that Ash and Camilla are going to be the bitches for the series. And not just because they are socialites. How exactly do you become a socialite? Do you study it at TAFE or something? Ash is also a bit of an Alpha female. They love French and European. They go to Polo and the Races. They are food snobs and are educated and well travelled. They are also in their 20's. Therefore they know EVERYTHING. 

The doorbell rings and we slip into about the 50th bloody song of the episode (the royalties they are paying for this soundtrack must be HUGE). 51st song and everyone is happy with the restaurant. They ..... NAILED IT (cliche number 4)

Some on in this photo is from Texas. Can you guess who?

Robert and Lynzey are father and daughter. He talks real slow because he is from Texas. Oh and a cowboy. Lyndzey is a care worker and a champion athlete. Robert is an art teacher when he is not being a cowboy.

Back in the kitchen and disaster has struck. THE ROSTI IS SOGGY!!! And yep- you guessed it- if they don't get it in the oven it won't cook. 

This is Annie and Lloyd . They are high school sweethearts. He wants to be a Doctor and she is crazy (her words). She likes having theme dinners. She also says kwirky a lot. And she likes pink. She also works in fashion. They are 23. She wants to get engaged. 

This is Kat and Andre. He is a car salesman, I can't tell you what she does because she bores me already. They fish and like to cook what they get out of the ocean. They like having fun and want to open a deli. She is messy and he is neat. They had better be good because as they are from WA they should be Emma and Nicole. (who says I'm bitter?)

Gina and Anna are from ACT- they are mother and daughter, they work together and they are best friends. They box  and do boot camp and are not intimidated by anyone. They play to win. They sell school uniforms. They are also annoying.

The Hyundai arrives- the doorbell rings and Pete and Manu raise their eyebrows at each other. They kiss Shaz and Jac and  they are wearing complimentary jackets. Everyone is shocked that Pete and Manu are there (really? You are on MKR and you are shocked that Pete and Manu are there?). Pete is looking as sparkling as only someone with no carbs, sugar or fat in their body can look. 

We go through the menu. Everyone has a nasty comment to make, and Ash is being a super bitch. Someone also says they need to "bring it" (cliche number 5). Robert says nothing nasty,because he is from Texas. Ash wants them to smoke their own salmon. Because she can smoke her own salmon. I can smoke my own cigarette (but only when I'm really, really drunk).

The Stacks are up YO (had to get the Breaking Bad reference in there somewhere). Shaz and Jac are happy. Pete is happy, or is he???........... YES!!! Pete is happy (you trickster) Cue the happy soundtrack.

 Manu says that stacks are dated, but then the happy piano piece of music starts, and even though we need some salt, pepper and lemon-  we are HAPPY! Cue the happy song. Ash is disappointed  that they didn't smoke the salmon. I am disappointed she didn't straighten her hair.

Back to the kitchen. The lamb is cooked, but the smashed, cracked or whatever they are potatoes are hard.  Meanwhile at the table Ash is making weird looks with her eyes and it talking about shiraz.  I'm not going to lie- that lamb is not looking flash. It looks sort of like the plastic lamb chops that you get in a kids supermarket play set. And that is not good. At the table Gina shocks everyone by saying she likes her lamb medium to well done.  Manu picks himself up of the floor. Robert tells cowboy stories. He has lots of stories. He also says things like " a cat on a basket ball" I like that.

Back in the kitchen we are having a sauce / presentation dilemma. They are worried it says Sunday Roast. I am thinking it says a whole lamb on a plate. Those portions are HUGE. Manu doesn't like his lamb. And his potatoes are crushed but uncooked.  Pete is also not happy. And neither is anyone else. At this stage I am also convinced that Ash has spent a lot of time practising her facial expressions in the mirror. She would give Jim Carey a run for his money.

Manu has hit the kitchen. They drop the blue cheese bombshell on Manu. He is concerned. This is turning into Gorgonzola Gate. Dessert is ready... They put the plates down. Chaos reigns!! There is .....CHEESE ON THE CRUMBLE!!! Pete and Manu exchanged knowing glances... Manu says the flavours go together....YAY! In a cheese platter OHHHHHHH. Pete is struggling. The gorgonzola is just dominating. Got I hate it when the cheese is dominating. 

Basically everyone hates it. It was not a good surprise. But to be honest I am actually finding Annie's pink lipstick and coral blush more dominating. Her coral blush is to her lipstick what gorgonzola is to a crumble. A bad surprise.

Scores are in. They are not good. 5's and 6's across the board. Pete and Manu's scores aren't much better- 8's for entree, 5 and 4 for main, and 3 for dessert.  Total score 59. Oh dear.

Don't worry- maybe tomorrow night Kat and Andre will stuff up.  Oh bloody hell- they are going to "smash it "and high 5 each other.  I bet she wears Lorna Jane motivation singlets.

Give me strength.