Has the time come to grow up?

I got into trouble the other day from a friend because of the infrequency of my blog posts lately. She had a very valid point. They have been infrequent, and for that I am sorry. But this is what happens when you have three children whose birthday's all fall within 2 weeks of each other, and this coincides with the usual end of the teaching year hijinks. Like reports writing. And having to lie to kids that you haven't written their reports so they had better keep behaving. For the record it doesn't work. Kids may not be able to remember the date that their assignment is due , but they sure as hell remember the date their reports are due.

Another reason for my infrequent posts have also been due to excessive socialising. Which has forced me to consider that - and god this hurts to say it- but...........I can no longer party like a rock star. I may have said this before but this time I mean it. Before I used to think I partied like a rock star say of Katy Perry's calibre ( partied hard but with pizazz)  but I think I now party more like Courtney Love. And that is never good.

"I haven't drunk that much"

So my blog readers I think the time has come for me to grow up. You will notice I didn't say "Act my age". That is because I am not really sure how a 43 year old acts. If you know the answer to let please let me know. So this week I sat myself down (in the car on the way to work) listened to Sia's Chandelier and decided that my theme song needed to change from " I Want to Rock'n'Roll All Night" to something by Michael Buble ". 

Hey there Middle aged lady.

So as a start to growing up I have embarked on Detox December. Here are my rules.

1. I have to exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY. I accidentally broke that today because I was feeling unwell which I think has a lot to do with the word "detox". I did walk around the school a lot today though. 
2. I am limiting my alcohol consumption. They key word is limit. Not eliminating. To eliminate in December would be crazy. 
3. I am being super careful with my food. This was going well until today when I was doing my extra walking around the school and walked into the staff room and somehow a sausage in a bun appeared in my hands.
4. Stop doing silly things. Like dancing with a ribbon which someone filmed and put on Facebook. Because that saying "dance like no one is watching because no one is..they are on their phones." may be true. But they are on their phones watching footage of you dancing with a ribbon on Facebook.
5. Try and concentrate on things better, even if I find it really boring. Like when my youngest daughter starts retelling a story from school which goes on and on and on. And on.
6. Stop swearing like a sailor. It is time for me to come up with a new favourite word. Growns ups favourite word is not mother f*%$#er.
7. Stop using teenage words. Like awesome and soooo cool, and OMG. 
8. Stop sending messages to my daughter where I put in emoticons instead of words. Grown ups don't do that.
9. Stop getting crushes on teenage boy bands. I really am too old for Harry Styles. Apparently the calculation is half your age + 7 years. A friend at work told me that.
10. It might be time to consider getting my hair cut. Maybe I think I may be doing a Victoria Secrets hair do, but instead maybe it looks more like Donald Trump. On a bad day.

So wish me luck. I'm off to pop on the kettle and pop on some repeats of Downton Abbey.  The real one - not the P Diddy version. Slice of fruit cake anyone?

 Here is the P Diddy one in case you are not ready to be a grown up.

Since when did going out for dinner become unpleasant ?

                                                              

I have been dining out a bit lately, and it is one of my most favourite things to do in the world. I have a favourite restaurant for nearly every occasion. I am slowly working my way through the cafe strip near me, but I am finding that all restaurants seem to have one thing in common.

THEY ARE ALL SO FRIGGIN NOISY. 

And yes I am shouting because in order to be heard at dinner you have to SHOUT at everyone. Even when it is a dinner for two you are still yelling at each other even when you are not having a "whoops someone has had too much wine so now seems the right time to discuss the thing you do that really annoys me"argument. (Lets just put it this way- any conversation that starts with "Don't take this the wrong way but" is never going to end well.)

For my daughters Birthday we went to an amazing restaurant. The food and service were both awesome but it was so noisy you had to shout at each other. The person sitting at the end of the table gave up and just starting playing on his phone.  Unfortunately we won't go back, because it is just too hard to talk to everyone.

My husband and I were discussing this the other night, and questioned why there is a lack of insulation on the walls to absorb sound (I get no carpet because that would be dirty ) they feel the need to turn up the music SO INCREDIBLY LOUD. Just as we were having this discussion the program "Secret Eaters" was on and it gave us the answers. When you are eating and you are subjected to loud noise you eat faster, and you eat more. 

                                                       

Personally I think you eat faster so you can get the bloody hell out of there, but apparently it has an effect on your brain. So it would appear it is all a tactic to get us to spend more money, and to clear the table faster.

Well I think not only does it make the dining out process unpleasant- it also creates a myriad of problems. They are ( in no particular order)

1. Urinary tract infections. This is because when you get a good seat at the table you are not going to risk losing you seat by going to the toilet.
2. You fight with you friends. Because they steal your seat when you go to the toilet. 
3. You spend more time on you phone because you can't hear conversations. This leads to the most obnoxious thing of all.... people instagraming their food. Or taking selflies.
4. You become an alcoholic because if you can't hear- you may as well drink.
5. You get a cold/ lung cancer/ or malaria. This is because you can only hear if you sit outside where you are subjected to the weather, passive smoke (which if you dine with my mum and dad you then have to listen to them whinging about the smoke- LOVE YOU MUM) and getting eating by mosquitos. 

                                                       

6. You commit to things because you clearly didn't hear what was being said properly. In my case my latest was agreeing to do a triathlon. Well ok that may have also had something to do with the wine I had drunk- but it was a very big table.
7. People mistakingly think they are funny. Because you smile at what they are saying. They don't know that you are smiling but have no bloody idea what they have said.
8. Customers get rude, because they are not only hungry, but frustrated, bored and worried that the people down the other end of the table are talking about something really awesome and they are missing out. Or is that just me?

So restaurants of the world can we please either absorb some sound or turn the music down. Because my list of places to go is getting smaller.  

Not at a restaurant in Perth you won't!

                                               

Tonight I will answer some of your pressing questions.

Coming up to the holiday party season, I thought I would answer some of your pressing questions to get you through the season. Unfortunately I have not asked anyone if they actually have any questions so I will make them up myself.

Emma asks-

Q. I am going on a wine tour, and it is most of the day. What do you suggested I wear and what make up will last the day?

A. Well Emma- good question I find myself in the same situation. I am going to make sure I wear a primer under my bb cream. I am not going to do foundation, because if the day is hot- you don't want to worry about it falling of your face. I also think I will wear waterproof mascara for staying power, and line and fill in my lips with a lip pencil and then cover with a gloss or a sheer lipstick.
Clothes wise- wear something comfy, and most importantly wear comfortable shoes. Wedges do well because they are high without hurting (too much) or you can't go past a nice flat sandal.
Have fun and don't forget WATER, WATER, WATER!!

                                                      

Q. I read recently a make up artist saying that lip liner is ageing and old fashioned. WTF??? I thought you said it was an essential.

A. OMG- I read that same article! I think she meant the obvious line around the lip. I think the way around that is to shade in the whole lip or at least three quarters of the lip. It gives you lipstick or gloss something to hang on to.

Q. I am wearing a beautiful silk dress to a wedding. What underwear do I wear?

A. I have one word for you. SHAPEWEAR. It will suck you in, make your dress "glide"over your butt and not give you a knicker line. The end. Target now stock a delightful range of underwear your granny would be proud of.

                                                     

Q. Where do you stand on playsuits or jumpsuits? I really like them.

A. Me too. Just don't wear them when you are having a big boozy night. Because the novelty of disrobing every time you need to go to the toilet gets boring. Very quickly.

                                   

Q. What hair styles do you recommend for this festive season.

A. Well that depends on three things- your hair type, the weather and how much time you had to get ready. I have long hair that is fine, but frizzy- so if it is wet or humid- the hair goes up. If it is pleasant I will wear it out, if it is hot I will go up (I hate being uncomfortable).  There are lots of cool ways to wear your hair up- a messy bun, a messy pony, a sleek pony, some braids, a top knot just to name a few. Go to Pinterest for inspiration (some even have a tutorial).
I find myself even going old school these days and hairspray, mousse a curling wand and velcro rollers have become my new best friend. I split my hair into 4 sections, curl it with the wand, then roll up the hair in the rollers while it is still hot, do my make up and then shake out the rollers. Hey presto!!! Bounce with a bit of curl. Sometimes I also have to put some serum through as well.

                                                                 

Q. What do you suggest I put in my bag? I only want to take out a small bag, so obviously not much can go in there.

A. Good question- I find you need some cash, your eftpos card, your ID, your phone,  my amazing illuminating powder, a lipliner and a lipstick. If you can fit it in your bag I also add some neurofen and some tissues. The less you have, the less you have to loose.


Q. What tips can you give me for a good night out?

A. The biggest advice I can give you is to be comfortable. This means comfy shoes, a dress or outfit that fits well, knickers that don't go up your bottom,  make up that doesn't fall of your face, and lipstick that doesn't bleed( That is why red is never a good choice because it can get messy. It is hard enough to put on at the best of times let alone when you have had a few white wines.) The only thing you want to worry about is having fun- not pulling down your dress and tucking your boobs back in.

Looks awesome- but you will be tucking your boobs in all night.

Q. Where do you stand on sparkles during the day?

A. I love sparkles at any time of the day. Obviously sparkles lend themselves to night, but that doesn't mean you can't wear them during the day. If you are wearing sparkles during the day- just try and dress them down a bit. Try adding thongs, or flat sandals, or if you are wearing a skirt and a denim shirt or a plain singlet or tshirt. SHINE ON I say!

Q. If you could only give one piece of advice what would it be?

A. Mascara. Apply lots but not lots so it goes clumpy. It is like whipping cream- you take it just to the point just before curdling. And also hold the wand to give the lashes a bit of a curl. If I can make it two bits of advice- when you get the hiccups- it is time to stop drinking. You are drunk.

                                                             

How is your summer wardrobe coming along?

Awesome should be the answer to that because I am one of those people who loves, loves, loves summer clothes. Winter is blah because you are cold all the time you always wear a coat and your hair goes frizzy. But Summer is just awesome. If your hair goes frizzy you don't care. You just say you have been to the beach. In my case this would be a big fat lie because I believe I am probably the only Australian who hates the beach.

So the Summer wardrobe. Mine is split into four main sections. They are

1. Work summer
2. Casual Summer
3. Going Out Summer
4. Really, really casual summer.

So top of my list of things I will be wearing this summer are

1. Maxi dresses. 
I love a good maxi. I wear them for work, going out, and casual. I tend to favour black because I always get white dirty, and patterns are big this summer as well. I always pair my maxi with a flat sandal. I don't like a maxi with a heel. 
Sportsgirl and Witchery do some good staple Maxi's and Sportsgirl are also doing a few Midi's.

This is from Witchery. I have this is hot pink. And black. Oh ok- yes I also have it in white, and in a grey pattern.

This is from Sportsgirl.

2. Shorts

I love shorts. I think you can dress them up or dress them down and they suit an Australian lifestyle really well. As I get older I do need to check the length, but as long as they are not short shorts- all is good. I think everyone should have a slouchy denim pair (but not with the pockets hanging out of the hem) and a black pair. Team them with a singlet or tshirt for casual, and a cutie camisole top, a statement necklace and an awesome pair of sandals (flat or high) for "good".

Shorts for good

Shorts for casual

4. A Sparkly Frock.

Well it doesn't have to be a dress. It can be anything because I love sparkles. For me I will be doing a sparkly dress, and I am even going to sparkle for day. Because everyday needs some sparkle. Sparkles are also really good for a Christmas.

These are all from asos.com. You can order them online and as a friend pointed out to me today you can even "catwalk the picture" so you can see what the dress will look like when you walk in it. AMAZING!! Well apart from the fact that the person walking in it in the video is about 16, 6 foot tall and a size 8.

So that is what I am looking at wearing this Summer. Colours that are big for Summer are black and white (which always looks fab in Summer- just make sure you drink white wine), denim in all it's varieties, patterns, florals, and stripes. Fitted body con dresses are also big and ones with cut aways are also everywhere. I think they need to come with a "Just because you can fit into it, doesn't mean you should wear it" warning. 

A cutaway body con dress. 

 Be careful- they look great, but not so great if they don't fit right. Mullet dresses (shorter at the front and long at the back) are also an option, and don't forget the "Prom dress" style. In fact - what the hell- wear whatever you want.

A Prom style midi dress. Cute.

There is also a very definite 90's vibe around, which for me is rather disconcerting. Because I am seeing the clothes I wore in my early 20's and late teens in the shops. In fact I am pretty sure I saw my Year 12 ball dress on asos today.

Happy Summer shopping- and you know with all those Christmas functions you will need a new outfit for each and everyone of them. And of course don't forget you Christmas Day dress- or in my case your Christmas Day Bathers(which for the record I bought at Target- seriously) BECAUSE I WILL BE IN BALI!!!!!!

Nothing says Christmas like Legian Beach

                                      

Ten things about me you may not know. (they may or may not be necessarily interesting)

I thought seeing as I am having a lazy day I would write a lazy blog. I have been super busy lately so I haven't had much time to write anything. My super busy has been my favourite kind of super busy- catching up with friends and family, and doing a bit of entertaining. So here goes- 20 things about me that may or may not be interesting.

1. I can't spell. Alright this one you probably do know if you read my blog regularly but I am a bad speller. I will actually on numerous occasions change the word I want to use because I have no idea. The irony is that I can pick anyone else's spelling mistake and as a reader I should theoretically be a good speller.

2. I am actually very lazy. Once again weird, because I do lots of stuff like running but this is because I make myself. Otherwise I would just spend my life in my pyjamas watching cooking shows on Foxtel. Eating cake. And drinking wine.

3. I don't like chocolate mud cake. I think it tastes like plastic.

4. I love cooking shows, I would watch them all day if I could. I also love cooking, so much that I once  applied to be on a cooking show with a friend. We got through to the first interview stage but I must have said something dumb because they never called back.

5. Sometimes I worry that I drink too much. And then I just have another drink and get over it.

                 

6. I don't like cartoons or movies about animals. Because animals can't talk and cartoons aren't real.

7. I don't really care for shoes all that much. I don't have a big shoe collection, and don't get super excited over shoes. They hurt and are expensive for just a few bits of leather. Give me thongs (or flip flops for my American readers) and some trainers and I am good.

You say pretty. I say blisters

                       
8. I  often wonder if Kate Middleton ever just wants to pop on a tracky. And how Kim Kardashian gets jeans to fit her.

Seriously- how?

                                
9. I don't believe in buying expensive lingerie. Why spend money on a pretty pair of knik-kniks that no one is going to see? Spend that money on outer wear. 

10. I hate Christmas. It is stressful, you spend heaps on money on things no one wants, and you get things you don't want in return, and have family fights over who is going where. The only positive is my mums plum pudding and brandy sauce. It used to be my Grandma Doras. I am waiting for the day it becomes mine. And then I will eat plum pudding (which has no plums in it....... WTF) and brandy sauce every week. (whilst watching cooking shows on television)

                      
                                    I feel your pain

11. I get crushes on people. I categorise them. I currently have a Media teachers crush on Baz Luhrman, a fashion icon crush on Kate Moss, an "older man" crush on George Clooney, "younger man" crush on Prince Harry, and an " I don't understand it either' crush on Gwneyth Paltrow.

                       How could you not love Baz?

12. I love the Royal family. This is probably not a surprise. Seeing as my cats and dogs are called William, Kate, Charlie and Camilla. And my daughter India is named after one of Princess Diana's bridesmaids and my other daughters middle name is Elizabeth.

Even the Queen is amused.

13. I like country music. And not just Taylor Swift. Because she is city country. Like Mandurah. It is theoretically the country but we all know it is the city.

14. I love plane food and how the wine comes in little bottles. The sound of the food trolley is the best thing ever. I also like travelling. But then that something everybody knows about me.

I want this plane food.                       

15. I am actually very shy around people I don't know. I hate going places where I don't know anyone and don't like meeting new people. 

16. I am scared of balloons and heights. Don't ever take me hot air ballooning.

17. I have no interest in Space. Or people going to space. Or movies about space. Or books about space.

18. I have never seen Star Wars (see point 17)

19. Every now and then I get the urge to punch people in the face. At the moment it is Jamie Oliver. There is something about that very thick Londoner accent that makes me want to give him a good smack.

20. I think I do really good accents. I don't. I also thing I can sing and dance. Once again I can't.

But Taylor Swift can't dance either.

Happy Sunday
xxx

An open letter to my Pumpkin Pie on her Birthday

Dear Pumpkin Pie,

Today you turn 20. I can't believe it has been twenty years since we started our journey together. By the time you were born we had travelled through Europe together and we had consumed more ice cream and McChicken burgers than is good for anyone. You also gave me this really weird craving for smelling nail polish and eating ice.

I remember the day you born and being absolutely terrified. My terror wasn't helped when the Doctor walked into deliver you dressed in what can only be described as a butchers outfit, with a big white apron and the biggest pair of white Wellington boots I have ever seen. I was so sure that you were going to be a boy, so when they told me you were a girl (which is what I really wanted) I didn't believe them. When they put you in my arms and you looked at me with the beautiful blues eyes and I felt a rush of love I had never felt before. I also felt panic like I have never felt before in my 23 years. I looked at you and my look said " We are going to have to muddle our way through this together- because I have no freaking idea what the bloody hell I am doing."

Well lets just say you weren't all that patient with me- because you screamed a hell of a lot, and you slept even less. Lucky you were so cute with your little red hair.

As far as being a parent, I did my best, but lets just say I wouldn't say I was a natural. We muddled our way through it together, but not all my moments were my finest. I am really sorry about the time I yelled at you to stop crying, when the reason you were crying was because you had a really bad  ear infection, and I am also sorry about the time I took you to kindy thinking you had a mosquito bite, when actually it was chicken pox. Sorry about that time I gave you a packet of TicTacs to entertain yourself with, but lets face it, it never really occurred to me that you would put one up your nose. I bet that really hurt. And maybe I should have put that bottle of painstop further out of your reach when you were two. I know you were only trying to help me when you decided to drink the WHOLE bottle, but I think we both could have done without that trip to the hospital when they had to hold you down so hard to get the charcoal into you that you had fingerprint marks on you for days. It was kind of funny though when all we could hear from the waiting room was you screaming "I WANT MY NANNY." Then there was that time we got lost in Sydney and we had to follow the monorail tracks back to the hotel. And then time you nicknamed my dad "E" because that's what Nanny yelled at him the whole time.

We have had some good laughs together. There was the time when you were a little baby and on your way to your first ever Grand Final and you finally fell asleep as the plane landed, and a lovely young man who was in a band called Take That ( I believe his name was Robbie Williams) looked at you and apologised that the screaming fans were about to wake you up. Or the time when we flew Business Class to Bali, and Economy on the way home, and you told me " Mummy they have made a mistake, we are meant to be at the front of the plane." Story of my life.

Then there was the time that Placid Domingo- one of the worlds most famous opera singers- asked if he could pronounce your name the European way. You said " No". He laughed and said "Don't you know who I am." You looked at him, said "No"and walked off. Then there was also the time when you were playing in the playground with the son of a tennis player called Pat Cash. You walked up to the swing, looked at the kid, pushed him off and walked away. I was left trying to apologise to one of the worlds best tennis players. It would have been less awkward if the poor kid didn't have glasses and was a bit awkward.

So on your 20th Birthday, thank you for being a really cool kid. You are the Saffy to my Eddy, you are responsible where I am not, you calm me down when I get flustered (like when we landed in London and I had no bloody idea how to buy an Oyster Card for the Tube) and I am so incredibly proud of the adult that you have become.

In the words of Whitney Houston " I wanna dance with somebody" oh no wrong song-
"I hope life treats you kind
and I hope you get all you dreamed of
I wish you joy and happiness
But of all things
I wish you love"

Happy Birthday baby girl
Mum
xxxxx

P.S. I know I didn't have to write this on a blog, but then I wouldn't have the opportunity to embarrass you.

I think I have my inspirational hat on.

I was reading something on Facebook the other day, it was from one of those sites that tells stories like 71 Reasons Why We're all Still Single or 60 First World Problems Girls Have to Deal with Every Day (it says things like "you went into the lounge room but left your phone in the bed room", or" you can't connect to the WiFi"- which for the record is one of THE most annoying first world problem ever.)
Any way yesterday the posted an article written by a man on a website call TIFU ( which stands for Today I F&*ked Up). Except this man wrote an article about how he realised he had F*$ked Up his whole life.

In his post he talked about how he was so preoccupied with working, getting a promotion, earning and saving money that somewhere along the line he had  forgotten to live. He had no relationship with his son, his wife was in the midst of a 10 year affair (and he didn't blame her) and he didn't even go to his Dad's funeral because he had a meeting at work that he "couldn't miss").

We should all be like this dog- who walked past people waiting for the Pope

                                             
I believe in lots of things, but I mostly believe in love. This is something I have in common with my favourite film director- Baz Luhrmann. Baz and I have lots in common- we are both Australian, and we both like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Who doesn't love Leo?

 He likes a good tragic love story as do I- and he believes that 'To love and be loved in return is the greatest gift of all " (seriously - is that not the most beautiful 13 words ever put in a sentence? Except for maybe " Hey-I have just put a few bottles of Verve in the fridge") but my favourite "Bazism" is " A life lived in fear is a life half lived."

And I couldn't agree more. You have to do things, mess up ( obviously a life code I am still living), and have fun. Now I am not just saying this to rationalise the amount of holidays I go on,  the size of my wardrobe or the fact that I really , really, really want to go to Adelaide (that's a sentence I never thought I would say) to see a fashion exhibition.

I think you can't wait for the right time, save things for the best, because there is never a right time, and the best in now. You can't not do things because you are scared about what tomorrow may bring.

Now to clarify- I do also believe that you need to work hard, get an education and a job. I also believe that you can't hurt people to get what you want. Unless of course what you want is a something really good and someone in in your way. Like a piece of caramel slice. Or a piece of rainbow cake. Or a super cute dress.

God I love caramel slice

So anyway here is my point. Live you life today, watch Baz Luhramn films (because they are super awesome especially Moulin Rouge even though it does have Nicole Kidman in it) and don't spend all your time at work,  and don't forget about doing the things you love. Because you will wake up one day and realised that everybody dies, but not everybody lives. So go and buy those shoes, wear the dress you are saving for best, spend time with people who make you happy, and will laugh at all the dumb shit you do  and have ice cream for breakfast- well if you want to. I wouldn't because I don't really like ice cream all that much, unless it is Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough. I would eat that.

                                            
               This starts of weird- but have a listen

Here is the link to the original article