A letter to the man whose name I don't know, but changed me forever

 I don't  know your name and you don't know mine. But 6 weeks ago you changed my life forever. To you it is something that you wont apparently really remember. You wont remember the details of the night and I have been assured that you won't remember my face. You are lucky because I can't forget yours. It is etched in my memory forever. It is there everytime I close my eyes. I see you in my nightmares which visit me every night.

It was normal day of what had been a great week. I had woken up early to take my partner to work and had then done a flight. I came home, went for a swim, walked the dog. Just my normal. Nothing unusual. I may have gone and visited my 3 day old grand daughter. I don't really remember. I came home late in the afternoon and decided to sit down, have something to eat, and watch Housewives of New Jersey. I decided not to shut the garage door because I was only sitting down and was going to take the dog for one last trip to the park.

I woke up 4 hours later. Startled and confused because I still had my watch on. It was 11:30pm I had fallen asleep. It happens sometimes. The early starts, the toll flying takes on your body. You are tired without realising it. I got up and remembered that the house was not locked up. I wasn't scared because 6 short weeks ago I didn't get scared. I shut the garage door. Locked the door. Cleaned the kitchen. Got changed. Cleaned my teeth. Went to the toilet. Filled my drink bottle. But you know that. Because you were in the house with me.

You waited for me. We shared my house, my sanctury, my safe place for 15 minutes. You waited for me to go to bed to make your escape. I turned off the light. You came out from your hiding spot, you grabbed my bag, ran into the couch opened the door and made you escape. Except you couldn't work out how to get out of the garage. I had to do that for you when I walked into my garage, looked you in the eye and asked you what you were doing and told you to get the fuck out of my house. 

I will never forget the look in your eyes. You look confused. You were working out what to do. Honestly I believe the look in your eyes was confusion and fear. Fear that I had spoken to you like that. Confusion that I was standing next to you, that I looked you in the eye. To your credit you did as I said. You left with out saying a word. You didn't hit me with the hammer you had as a weapon. You didn't physically attack me. You did worse. You mentally changed me forever.

I was in shock. I went inside, rang the police, listened to the police helicopter fly over me looking for you. Feeling assured because I knew one of the three police cars that came was sitting outside my house " just in case" I tried to go back to sleep. Sleep never happened. Instead I scrolled on Facebook. Some one posted video of a man being arrested just 2 hours later. I knew it was you before I even watched it. I watched it and as I saw as you ran towards the camera that you were wearing my work uniform. You had been in my house and property for long enough that you had taken my uniform off the line. And just to let you know I found the broom that you had put there in case I came out while you were there so you could hit me with it.

You got nothing of any real value from me that night. You got $5. But what you stole from me was priceless. You stole a part of me that I will never get back. I was never scared before. I trusted people, I always felt safe and secure in my life. I think about you when I am home, and I think about you everytime I get dressed to go to work. I jump when I hear noises. I have nightmare most nights. I don't sleep well and when I wake up sometimes I'm shaking.  I freeze when I see someone who fits your description. I get chills when I think about what could have happened. I get so mad at myself when I think about how I fell asleep and didn't lock the house. I feel angry. But most of all I feel sad.

To you this means nothing. Like I said -It was a night you won't really remember.

For me it is one I will never forget.

Yep- Hypnotherapy made me give up smoking.

This may not surprise those of you that know me well, but I'm not great with relationships.. but the one relationship I was really good at was smoking. I'm not going to lie- I loved it. It was my constant companion who I could always turn to. It didn't matter if I was tired, happy, sad, stressed, bored (you get the picture) smoking was always there for me.

In fact my most favourite time of the day was when I woke up in the morning I would have my morning coffee and 3 cigarettes ( ok maybe 5- don't judge me) before I would go to work. And yes that was even if I started at 4:30am.

But about 7 weeks ago I was sitting on my verandah ( or courtyard- I still don't know what to call it) while I was having my morning dart when I was chatting to Kim- the amazing lady who works at my apartment complex. I happened to mention that I was wanted to give up and she told me how she had just done a hypnotherapy course and could she hypnotise me. Faster than you could say Longbeach Menthol Fresh Burst I was in.... so this is how it went.

I had never been hypnotised before so I wasn't really sure what to expect but it went like this..

• Kim just asked me a few questions before and we talked about what I wanted to do

• Then I sat down , made sure I was comfy and then she asked my to focus on my hands.. and then the magic happened.

• The sensation is weird- you are definately not asleep, and kind of just feel like you are listening with your eyes closed. I just really focussed on what Kim was saying because knowing my short attention span there was I every chance I would find myself questioning something really important like " are the Dockers always going to be shit" or " why did the chose to finish Shitt's Creek at season 6 when it is still so good ".

• During the session I knew my hands where moving, and my body was twitching, but It wasn't something I had control over- my body was just doing it. My favourite was when Kim was telling me I was walking into a room and I was standing at a desk which was my control panel and I was looking for my anxiety control and I started waving my arms around. I remember I was cleaning my desk because I couldn't find my controls because my control panel was just too messy. (If that's not a sign of what was going on in my head I don't know what is!)

• When Kim brought me out of the hypnosis I felt tired, and I had no idea of how long I had been under for ( it felt like 10 but apparently it was more like 25 minutes). We had a little chat about what had happened and then Kim left and I went to bed... and slept. And slept... and slept.. and then slept some more. To say I was tired was an absolute understatement. Kim said it was normal because working with your subconcious is hard work.

And that was it! I had absolutely no desire to smoke from that moment on. I had awful nicotine withdrawals for the first 2 days. More poor body was craving nicotine, but I just did not want to smoke. I instead slept more and locked my self in my apartment where no one could annoy me. Or I couldn't kill anyone.

I had two more sessions after that, on the second we discussed smoking, my anxiety and over eating ( ok and maybe we touched on my over drinking) and on the third session we just consolidated the three sessions. The effect this has had on my anxiety is also amazing. So if you see me making a weird hand gesture with my hand- don't worry I'm just turning down my anxiety dial to a 2.

So 6 weeks on I have faced all my major triggers.

• I have been out drinking ( more than once) 
• I can be around people who smoke
• I get up and go to work with no cigarettes (interesting I am not drinking as much coffee- this has not been deliberate it just tastes almost too strong now)
• I have had a few stressful things happen where I would normally turn to cigarettes 
• I have been incredibly bored 
• I have been to the football and seen my team perform dismally

I don't really know why it was such an amazing success but I  think maybe one of the main reason for this success was that Kim told my subconcious that I was a "non smoker". I think the choice in language is really important. Saying I had "given up" is so different to saying "I don't do it."

I am also very open to alternate therapies and I have also done quite a lot of guided meditations in my time so I am quite good at " relaxing myself". I felt incredibly comfortable with Kim and she has the most soothing calm voice. I also really, really wanted this to work.

So 6 weeks on I am incredibly proud but also incredibly amazed at just how easy and successful the process has been. Giving up smoking has been fantastic but the added bonus of getting my anxiety under control has been the best.

I would honestly recommend giving it a try and it anyone wants Kims details- let me know... 

Ross you are an arsehole part 3

I thought the easiest way to keep people who are asking was to write a post about the man in my life who seems to love me so much he never wants to leave. Good old Ross River.

So as I write this I am currently in bed, where I have been pretty much for nearly every waking hour for nearly 3 weeks. Apart from my little daily excursions when I leave house. My blood tests came back last week and for the third time since October 2017 I tested positive to good old Ross. 

It's hard to know if I truly contracted it twice (which is what the doctor thought in November 2018) or if it is the same initial virus that has never gone away.

Either way - it is fucked. It looks something like this-

• I am constantly exhausted. I sleep up to about 20 hours a day and look and feel permanently hungover.
• My body plays aching bingo. You never quite now which joints are going to be the lucky winner of the day- but it seems to like my ankles, back, neck and wrists the best.
• My body tingles constantly. Sort of like ants running inside my body.
• The soles of my feet and my palms are itchy. All the fucking time.
• I have no attention span- which considering I normally have a short attention span this is a bit of a worry.

So on the positives

• Alcohol still works a treat. The only thing that dulls the pain.
• I have caught up with every show on Netflix, Stan, iview and I am now turning to Foxtel (desperate times call for desperate measures)
• I do go out for a few hours at time ( on Doctors order), the only down side is that when I am out for too long I am totally wiped out for the next couple of days.
• I am on 2 weeks holidays which means I haven't had to take more time of work.
• I am surrounded by an amazing family and friends who have been nothing short of awesome and supportive and patient with me, when I have constantly whinged about how tired, sore and frustrated I am with this horrible fucked virus.
• Work have also been amazing and understanding.

So where to from here...

To be honest the most depressing thing is no one is sure how long this relapse is going to last for especially as this time it is as bad as it was the first time, the only thing I can do is rest it out. I am off to a rheumatologist this week to check that Ross has not triggered  the onset of rheumatoid arthritis (which really will be a fucker).

The moral of the story...... always , always , always make sure you are covered in mosquito repellent.  

The one about me trying to go Zen.

I'm going all new age on myself. We not completely new age there are some things I could never do.. like wear patchouli oil, or become a vegan ( I could never give up a chicken parmie, or a steak, or a pie..) but I have been trying to immerse myself in the world of meditation. Yes the most hyper person in the world is finally attempting to calm her hectic mind.

In the style of being a true Gemini- I love the new world and all that comes with it, but I have always had a bit of a love for the spiritual world. I would always prefer to go to a spiritual healer than a psych, I love a bit of reiki before a I would go to a physio and don't start me on how much I love getting my charkras rebalanced followed by a singing bowl massage.

No on is safe from my obsession at the moment including my family and the students at school. Or the other teachers at school who have not heard the end of me banging on about how amazing meditation is going with my classes. The kids honestly love this shit. And no, I'm sure it's not because it takes up 10 minutes of class where they get to put there heads on the desk and literally do nothing. But then I actually think it IS because they get 10 minutes of nothingness, which in today's world is as foreign to them as living in a world where the mobile phones didn't exist. And the looks on their faces when the 10 minutes is up is awesome, they are chilled, calm and peaceful- for at least 5 minutes anyway.

I made poor Indi do some meditation with me last night - or "emitation" as I called it ( see what I did there) We turned off the tv, we put down our phones and  ipads, we sat on the couch together and had 10 minutes of resting our minds, and it was pretty friggin awesome.

Not that it is easy, I find meditating ( or emitating) really, really hard. My mind wanders, I think of everything I had not done, have yet to do, or if Mario from the Mario Brothers name is actually Mario Mario (that one bothers me a lot), but I have noticed that in my every day life I am finding myself using the techniques to calm me down. Like I said to some of my Year 12's the other day if I had learnt some of these techniques years ago it would have made my life much easier!

If you would like to give it a try ( you know I love to share anything amazing I find- like my new Kevin Aucoin Mascara- simply the BEST, do your lashes a favour) have a watch of Andy Puddicombes TED talk, 

Give his 10 minute guided meditation a try

and then download his Headspace app on your phone. And welcome to the world of resting your tired, overthinking, overworked mind..... for only 10 minutes.... I haven't gone completely bonkers.

A message to myself on my birthday

Today is my favourite day of the year.... my Birthday. And I am officially old. So I have decided on my 47th Birthday I need to make some changes. Here we go...

1. I will no longer use my hair straightener to iron my clothes when I am too lazy to get the iron out.

2. I will not wear my pyjama top to work anymore because I can't be bothered getting a singlet out of the drawer.

3. I will start to carry an umbrella when it is raining or looks like rain, rather than cover my head in my scarf and then proceed to bitch about how my hair goes frizzy.

4. I will stop using my bra as a pocket.

5. I will try and wear matching socks.

6. I will attempt to stay home on a Friday night once in a while.

7. I will try not to have a crush on a member of a boy band.

8. I will google how to spell a word I don't know how to spell rather than just pick an easier word- or not say " I'm a Media teacher, not an English teacher".

9. I will understand that I can go home early and not be the last to leave a night out.

10. I will no longer walk to the shop in my pyjamas on a Sunday morning.

Baby steps...right?

The answers to your questions....

I haven't blogged in since forever- I think I haven't really been in the space to have anything to say really. But as every time I see people I haven't seen for a while they are all asking me the same questions,  I thought I would interview myself, to give you all a catch up of what has been going on in my life.

So Emma- where have you been?
I have been around, just getting on with life really. Nothing exciting.

Ok- so lets start- how is Ross going?
Ross is still hanging around, nowhere near as bad as it was. I managed to get through first term with only one day off so that's good. I still get tired as fuck, and my hands and wrists ache, but other than that- it's all ok. Having more blood tests next week to see how active he still is. At least one of us is active.

Anything good come out of it?
Well mosquitos don't bite me anymore, and apparently my handwriting now looks like the handwriting of a 18 year old now instead of a 13 year old due to my Ross inflicted hands.

You have moved- does that mean you sold the house?
Ummmmm- no. The house was under offer but the buyers pulled out. So it is going to be rented out. I am in a cutie little unit. Yes, I am still in walking distance to The Balmoral (didn't want their profits to drop). It is the best and I love it. I can vacuum the whole house without needing an extension cord. 

You still teaching?
Yep, still at the same place I have been at since 2003.  Yes that is a long time and no do I see myself moving anytime soon. 

Your football team is pretty shit at the moment.
Yes they are, no I don't know why, yes Nat Fyfe is still a God, Yes I still love them, I really only go for the beer now. And the pies.

Any plans to run any more marathons?
That would be a nope. I am actually hoping one day to be able to successfully walk for a few days in a row. 

Have you got a boyfriend?
That would also be a no. Netflix, Stan and SBS on demand are the only things sharing my bed at the moment. Well and Indi when she is home. 

You seem to have a good bunch of friends.
Yes I do. The Garden Club are the best. They are also brutally honest with me and tell me the absolute truth even if I don't want it. Like the the other day when I showed them a picture of some dresses I wanted to buy. They all told me they looked like shit and were too short. I think it was their diplomatic way of saying " You are turning 47 next week- no one wants to look like mutton".

You haven't made a Youtube tutorial for a while- what's the go with that? 
Just been really lazy actually. I am planning on doing another one soon though. I just need to get Indi away from my makeup.

So whats in store for you now Emma?
Well I'm trying to get a little bit more Zen. I meditating and I have enrolled to do a Reiki Course which I'm really excited about. I'm also going to do a bit more writing. Thinking about starting a book. I'm going to call it " Did You Hear the One About?" It's going to talk about all the things I have done in my life where I have just had to stand back, shake my head and laugh at myself.

Sounds fab- can you give me an example of a story?
Sure. On the weekend I stayed at a hotel with my friend and our daughters. We checked in, I went to the room and there was a man in our room. I went back downstairs and they gave us a new room. The new room was on level 5. The old room was on level 3. On Sunday morning I went outside for a dart and then went back to my room. I had forgotten my card to get in so I was ringing the bell. My friend wasn't answering. So I stood there with my finger on the bell. I was looking down at my phone when she answered so I went off at her " For fuck's sake could you have taken any longer" I looked up. It wasn't my friend. It was a very shocked looking man. I was on the wrong floor. 

So can we expect to see more blog posts from you?
Yes. I think I am slowly getting my sense of humour back, so I do see more blog posts in my future.

It's time for a Ross River Update...

Well Ross and I have been together for a whole 16 weeks now. And he is the ultimate Stage 5 clinger. This guy just won't leave me alone. His love for me is still as strong as ever. But like every dysfunctional relationship we are learning to coexist with each other a little bit better.

So after 4 months of being with Ross this is what it is like..

1. Everyday is still like waking up with a hangover.  But without the fun of the night before.

2. I still sleep. A lot. And spend a lot of time in bed. Like a lot. A real lot.

3.When I get over tired or don't rest enough the virus moves through out my body. I get pins and needles through out my whole body until it finds a spot to rest. Kind of like the wheel spinning in a game of roulette.  For the last week Ross has decided there is not better spot to rest but my wrists. To the point where I can't hold anything. God forbid last week I couldn't even hold my phone.

               


But on the positive....

1. I can do a bit more. Like I can clean my house AND I finally folded my washing from Bali.... which has been sitting in the laundry from 14 weeks ago. Don't worry though- I still don't make my bed.

2. I don't cry all the time anymore. This is a positive for my friends who are sick to death of crying Friday. But don't say anything to upset me......

3. I can actually exercise a bit. Yesterday I took Ross for a 5km run. In the time I would usually run 10km- but a run is a run.

4. I have cleared through my " to view" list from Netflix, Stan and Foxtel.( Animal Kingdom- you MUST watch Animal Kingdom).

5. Yesterday I cooked a meal for my daughter and I. Yep the first time I have made something from scratch. AND I even had the energy to wash the dishes straight after and not 3 days later. 

All of these little positives are good because I head back to work on Monday and I'm not going to lie- I am shit scared of how it is going to go. I can just make it through the day doing the bare minimum, so a day, and then a week of work does seem even more daunting than running a marathon. Or that stupid 100km run the boys from work made me do. 

But I am looking forward to seeing my work buddies.. they just might have to get used to seeing me asleep on the couch at recess.