So did you hear the one about the time I had a Thai massage?

I have given up sugar. Well to be honest I have given up food. And alcohol- basically everything I love. My reason for this is largely due to the massive amount of weight I have put on this year. I was expecting a few kilos ( the biggest hint was when I was walking and felt something bouncing on my chest- and then I realised it was my boobs) but nothing prepared me for 12kgs.  So in order to get my Bali body ready in 3 weeks (umm I think I should have started earlier) I am on the diet from hell.

Now I am happy to admit I am a sugar addict. It is what keeps me going but nothing has prepared me for the sugar withdrawal I have had this week. I don't even thing there is a name for the headache that I have had. You know it is bad when you go to bed with a Mersyndol and still wake up with a headache. 

I decided that I needed to have a massage because I was sure that would fix it, because massages fix everything. I booked in to the Thai massage place down the road. Now last time I went there we booked in for an aromatherapy massage. But there was no aromatherapy and plenty of pain so my friend and I decided we must have had a Thai massage. So confidently, I booked a Thai massage.

I walked in, took off my shoes, got my feet washed and was then led to a room.  Where my little massage man pulled back the curtains to reveal.... a mattress on the floor. At this stage I realised that a double bed on the floor could only mean one of two things. I had either booked in for one of "those" massages or I was in for the "super painful there is nothing relaxing about this" type of massage. Then he left. 

Now I have had plenty of massages before so I felt very confident to get my gear off and pop the towel on. I had half my gear off when I looked for the towel. There was no towel. I didn't know what to do. Was I meant to stay clothed? Because I didn't want to be lying naked (apart from my knickers of course) on a mattress on the floor when a man walked in to massage me (because by now I really am thinking that I have booked in for the whole different type of massage). I  panicked. I was getting flustered. I stuck my head out the curtains but I couldn't find him. I then found a pair of Thai fisherman pants (remember when they were in fashion) and a shirt and assumed that was what I should wear.

Remember these?

Hoping that the little outfit was for me (and not my massage mans clothes) I popped them on. He came in and I asked him if that was what I was meant to be wearing. He laughed at me.  By now  I was truly mortified and was ready to run out into the street with my Thai fisherman outfit on. This would have been really bad because I couldn't work out how to tie the pants up and they would have fallen down as I was running. But luckily I was meant to wear the outfit. Well thats what he told me. It is highly likely by the way he was laughing I was the topic of afterwork drinks.

Finally I could lie down and get ready to relax away my headache. Then I had a flashback to the last thai massage I had in Thailand. I had to leave half way to have a vomit. And I never vomit. That would be because I have a phobia of vomiting ever since when I was little and my brother fed me a bottle of seasick tablets and I have to take some syrup to make me vomit them up. Since then a vomit only occurs on very special occasions. Like my friends 40th Birthday.

Any way... back to the massage. I did some some self talk. I can do this. I have had three kids (one without drugs- not by choice mind you, the doctor was busy playing golf and didn't make it back). I run marathons. I teach high school. I have watched the movie Les Miserables. I CAN DO PAIN.

How does something that starts like this....

End up like this?

So after an hour of being folded into pieces like human origami , having elbows, knees and god knows what else  pummelled through my entire body, only nearly passing out once (well maybe twice) and counting down the minutes until the torture was over- I made it to the end. I got dressed, paid my $75 and left feeling fab-u-lous. I still have the sugar detox headache, but at least now I have a few bruises to go along with it!