The Bachelor first recap of the season I will be calling " Richie is hot"

Omg - 2 minutes in and I am in love. Richie - if this gig doesn't work out for you and you would like to meet a delightful 45 year old who is pretty crap at marriage ( it would seem) give me a call. I can tell you now I am going to hate all these girls because Richie - you are the one for me. Richie also loves him mum, his sister and gazes longingly over bush landscapes. He also takes his top off. And he has muscles. Quite big muscles. And a six pack.

Here is Richie with no shirt

And he looks just as good in a suit.

My internet has is having buffering issues so I have forwarded to where the first two girls have arrived. I have just found out Richie loves camping and fishing and nature. Maybe don't call me Richie. The first annoying girl of the season arrives. Her name is Janey. She is the type of girl you really don't think exist as a grown up. But then grown up these days are hunting for Pokemons so what would I know. She dresses up as a Princess for kids parties. I want to punch her. Then she drops her shoe and blah, blah, blah.

                           Janey wants to be Cinderella.

We fast forward past some boring ones, and then we meet Eliza who is looking for her penguin. She is being sexy and sultry. She is annoying. She is singing. I'm dying. So is Richie. I hope she is drunk. Now my internet is not buffering again so I have no idea how many girls I have missed, but I'm sure if they are important I will see them again soon. We do however cut to the girls in the house having a bitch about the girl singing. There is a girl who looks like Lara Bingle.She must have entered whilst I was buffering. I think I'm going to like her, but I hope she loses the choker.

This is Lara Bingle. Sorry Keira.

Back to Richie and a girl has just given him bacon roses, and another girl has just asked Richie if he is shitting himself. And then the streaming cut out and a message came on my screen that said this...

                        I feel my computer is judging me.

I have now jumped to the cocktail party. This is this but where the girls try and nab Richie for a little chat and those who aren't chatting are plotting to go and interrupt the chatters. They are all a bit blah until one has to tell Richie some really important news. Oh God! What is it? She has cancer? Oh no - she has a child. Just as Richie is trying to "process" the info they get interrupted.

He is chatting to Lara Bingle, she wants the white rose, the girl (Eliza)is still singing (I think she is the bat shit crazy one) the others are bitching, my internet fucks up again and then someone called Tiffany is getting a red rose. Vintaea is talking about how her earrings are as heavy as fuck, Meagan realises she hasn't chatted to Richie, so she dives in they both feel they have a connection, a girl tries to cut in and RITCHIE SENDS HER AWAY!!! He then gets Meagan a rose. The girls reckon is just because she has big boobs. Then he goes and get the white rose. OMG. OMG. OH MY GOD...the bloody single mum nabbed it. Why didn't the others think of that sooner?

Rose ceremony. Osher arrives and he is looking buff. 18 girls... 16 roses.... pressure is on. Time to play "connection bingo". Every time someone says connection you drink. Lara Bingle gets the last rose, two girls who I don't remember go home. Let the games begin.

My make up I love you(s)

I haven't done a blog on my latest make up loves for a while so I thought there is no time like the time when you are lying on a daybed in a tropical paradise to create my list of loves. So here goes.....

1. NYX Lip Butter Glosses.
Since the shock of learning I have the cholesterol levels of a McDonalds addict these lip butters are the closest I get to the creamy buttery goodness of butter. Lucky these babies are filling the void. They are creamy, luxurious, awesome colours and did I mention cheap??? I get mine at Target, and I have Creme Brulee, Eclair and Sugar Cookie. They are so cheap there is no excuse not to pop one in your trolley when you do you weekly shop. Wear alone for a sheer gloss or with a lip liner for a longer lasting colour.

2. MAC Paint Pot in Soft Ochre.

You know when you have so much to do that you watch Make Up Tutorials on Youtube and you see them all banging on about a product and think - " Mmmmm it can't be that good, and why is the toilet not cleaning itself?" Well this is that good. A perfect base for eyeshadows or worn alone to smooth out the colour of the eye this stuff is as good as they say. I have also been mixing it up and using this as a base and them putting a soft layer of NARS Orgasm Blush over the top.  BEWTIFUL.

3. MAC lipliners.

I love a good lip liner. I think it is because my lips are lopsided. And also because in my real life job as a teacher the kids always tell me when my lipstick has worn off. So I always, always, always line my lips and fill in the whole lip before I lipstick or gloss. MAC are the best. End of story. The End. The essentials are always SOAR and WHIRL, but added to my list of must haves is now Subcultured, Boldly Bared, Dervish, OH Honey! and Spice. Sometime when I am feeling a little bit lazy and can't be bothered rummaging through my lipglosses I will just line my lips with Whirl or Soar and then fill in with Oh Honey! The most amazing nude lip and man does it last.

4. Mascaras.

You know I can never just pick one so here are my current "I can't live without you" mascaras

L'Oreal Volumious Million Lashes Waterproof Mascara. This stuff is perfect for you vacation or for anyone who is lazy and can't be bothered taking off and reapplying their mascara. This baby does not budge. And you do look like you have a million lashes

Too Faced Better than Sex - This stuff makes you lashes look freaking amazing. But I do have an issue. It does tend to smudge a bit and I can look like an emo by the end of the day. I'm going to try the waterproof next to see if it solves my smudging issue, but the result is so good I'm willing to spend my days wiping my eyes. 

Better than Sex Mascara. Is it better than sex? Well I guess that depends on who you are doing it with.

5. BECCA Champagne Pop

I love to glow. I love to sparkle. I love Champagne Pop. In fact I love it so much that the other night before I went out with friends I went around with my Champagne Pop and popped every single member of the group. We popped. We sparkled. The light hit our cheekbones like sunlight hitting the horns of 1 million unicorns. We were goddesses.  Yes it is pricey- but can you put a price on perfection?? I think not.

6. Maybelline Color 24 hour Tattoo Metal.

These little pots of goodness are easy to apply, last forever and come in a great range of colours. Use as a base, or alone. Did I mention they are cheap?? You can buy one in every colour. Which maybe I have.....

That's it! My loves for the time being. 

Don't forget to pay my Youtube channel a visit to see my make up tutorials

                                    

Here is a little link in case you have not bookmarked my page. Even if you don't want to watch them maybe just hit play and then walk away. A view is a view.

xxx

No matter how bad your life is... I can make you feel better.

I am starting this blog with a disclaimer. I am currently sitting poolside at a Villa in Bali where I have done nothing for the last three days but swim, have massages, eat amazing food and drink. And did I mention the part about drinking.

The reason I tell you this is because this blog is about not matter how bad your life is right now- I take you shit and I up you my shit. I hope you are sitting down. 

With out delving too much into my back story lets just say the last 18 months have been "testing", or maybe as I like to call it the 18 months of losing pretty much everything- my dream job, my marriage, my ability to do my most favourite thing in the world which is actually running (not drinking- thank God I can still do that), my football team is playing shit and lets not even start on the "new and improved" BBQ shapes formula. I have actually learnt to roll with the punches quite well and learnt to laugh. In fact when people are ask how things are my standard answer is always " You don't want to know."
So lets fast forward to the last three weeks. It goes like this...

1. I go to the Dr. He tells me that now I am 45  I need a health check. And then he put on a "health plan" for my chronic illness (what illness? Old age?) 

2. I had to go and had my bloods done- which I told him " No need! I have been tested for every ailment under the sun in the search for the solution to the forever fractured leg" OR SO I THOUGHT. Fast forward to getting the results to find out I have border line diabetes AND high cholesterol. 

3. He told me I need to " re assess "my diet which by this stage he is convinced consists solely of Mc Donalds twice a day washed down with copious amounts large caramel lattes topped with cream. After I had a mild hysterical break down he talked me off the ledge in his smoother than milk chocolate African voice and told me that if I wasn't surviving on that diet I just had a defective body that had lost the ability to process food. His solution was for me to use my Nutri Bullet (he fell on the floor laughing when he realised I was the only white woman in the world not to own one " What do you mean you have no nutri bullet?? How do you drink your smoothies?" " I don't like smoothies". ' But you white??!!!???" Ok- he may not have said that last bit but I could see he was thinking it) and eradicate anything that resembles food out of my diet. At this stage we may have had a bit of a fight. It was like a scene out of My 600lb Life. I started to sulk and say things like " I don't like bananas" "Texture makes me gag", and when he said that lions only eat once a fortnight I told him that this was the reason that they kill people. Because they are fucking hungry. Then I relented and said I would try his dumb diet, because I know it wasn't going to work. I was looking forward to coming back and telling him his South African witch doctor magic was crap. I also told him to not expect me to follow his dumb diet when I was in Bali. 


4. So my aim is to alkaline my body. I am only to drink a banana, spinach, lemon and raison smoothie until 4:30. And then it is no meat, no dairy and nothing fun for the rest of the day. I eat green and I spend my life ordering my coffee apologising for being a wanker and ordering a soy latte. The upside is I did lose some weight. And I felt better. And I didn't crave sugar. Or bread. Or food. The downside is I can never be far from a toilet. All those greens come out faster than they go in. 

I did cause some amusement to the kids I teach who all laughed and may have snapchatted me drinking my green smoothie and asking me daily where my baby poo drink was.

The second and most devastating event was.... I killed my most favourite thing in the world. My iphone. I had kept my shit together for 18 months. I drown my phone. I lose my shit. I think my son will never recover from seeing his mother hunched over the computer sobbing hysterically cradling my beloved phone wimpering "Come back... come back...." Just like Rose in Titanic.

This is me. Leo is my phone. New phone.... I will never let go.

                                 
Lets just say I have all the material I need for my next blog which should be 10 things to never say to someone who has killed their iphone. Lets just say for the record I know I shouldn't have put my drink bottle in my bag without checking it was shut properly. ( I know mum - seriously my generation ) I also know I should have plugged it back into the power until I had put it into rice for 24 hours. ( but could someone have told me that EARLIER??). 

So as I am attempting to make sense of my world at the moment and believe everything is a lesson these are the things I have learnt

1.Don't eat greasy Chinese after you have had a week of alkaling your body. And if you do make sure the toilet is no more than 10 steps away.

2. Don't be lazy and not back up your phone for a year because you can't be bothered walking up the stairs. You will lose all your data and every photo you have taken for the last 12 months.

3. Nutri bullets are actually pretty good and life changing. And they make the most amazing Espresso Martini slushies, and don't even start me on the strawberry daiquiri

4. The grief you feel when you kill you iphone is real. And it hurts.

5. Things can always get worse.