So did you hear the one about when I ran away from home?

                                      


So I have had a rather difficult year. Well to be perfectly honest it has been 18 months, but thats beside the point. So my difficult year reached a rather large climax about 4 weeks ago. That was when I realised that I could run from my issues but I couldn't hide. Sort of like when you think you are getting away with your midnight chocolate binge eating and then...bam.. almost over night you wake up and you break the zip on your skinny jeans.

In my mind I thought " I want to run away." I often think things like that but I never do it. But on this occasion I thought " Stuff it. I'm running away." I ignored my inner sensible side and booked my ticket before I could talk myself out of it. I was doing it. I was running away on my own. To Bali. (Well on my own but with a safety net of having friends who were going to be there as well).

The reception was mixed, but most people who had witnessed the great downfall of Emma first hand were very supportive. I was excited but absolutely terrified. I have never been away on my own. Yep at 45 this was my maiden voyage alone. So I made myself some rules ( because I'm a teacher- thats what I do.)

1. I had to spend every day alone
2. I had to engage in some sort of therapy each day
3. I was only allowed to "think about my problems" for 30 minutes a day
4. I could only go anywhere I could walk- no further
5. I was allowed to go out at night time (that was my favourite rule).

So early on a  Saturday morning I found myself at the airport. I checked in, went through customs bought my bottle of vodka, went to the bar and got myself a champagne (yes it was 6am but I was on holidays) sat down and burst into tears. It was the first of many occasions that I burst into tears with no idea why.

So I get to Bali.. find my driver (Pete amazing driver) get to my  hotel (The Ossotel- amazing) check in.. and then walked in to my first massage. A singing bowl- also amazing. I was early so I stopped in at my favourite pork bun restaurant and had a strawberry daiquiri (yes it was amazing).

And so the the next 6 days followed. I balanced my chakras, I hot rocked my back, I refelxologied my feet, and I balinese massaged my soul. I walked a lot, mostly along the beach, I looked at sunsets, I slept- in fact I slept a lot. Once day I only woke up to have lunch and then went back to sleep until 6pm. I had to explain to the Balinese a lot that I only wanted a table for 1 
(" what ? Just you? "
 "Yes just me."
 " No husband?" 
" No- no husband" 
 " Oh- I sorry").

I'm not going to lie. I also partied like a rock star. I was looked after by good friends, both old and new- I drank lots of frozen strawberry daiquiris, Jim Beam ( no- I didn't know I liked it either), Espresso martinis and bintangs. I ate nasi goreng, spring rolls and delightful chicken Gordon Blue (thats what the called it on the menu), and if the evidence on my bedside table was anything to go by a bowl of 2 minute noodles. 

I walked home laughing in the pouring rain with friends as we made our way through dodgy laneways that were flooded up to our knees. I got scooter rides home at 2am through the deserted streets of Seminyak. And I laughed. I laughed so much at times my stomach would hurt and my face would ache.  I would catch myself during the day smiling. Like resting smiling face. I must have been doing it a lot because a lady staying at the hotel walked past me and said " You must be having a lovely holiday- because you always look so happy."

By the final day I realised that I had followed all my rules except for the third one. That is "thinking about my problems for 30 minutes a day". Because by day 6 I realised I hadn't thought about my problems at all. Because I realised that what I had been thinking of as problems weren't actually problems. They were my life. My new life. One that I hadn't planned on, but the one that I have got. 

On my final day in Bali I wished two friends goodbye over final bintangs in the bar, I walked my final sunset beach walk to a friends hotel where we met other friends and had final drinks and dinner at sunset. As the sun came down and the musical duo played cheesey love songs I walked down to the ocean and found myself ending the holiday as I started it. By spontaneously bursting into tears. But this time I knew what these tears were. They were tears of happiness, they were tears of relief and they were tears of a repaired soul.  But most importantly they were tears of confidence that I could do this on my own and it was all going to be ok. 

So did you hear the one about when I ran away from home? Except it wasn't me that ran away from home. 

It was me who finally came home.