Housewives of Sydney.. you are GOLD.

OH. MY. GOD. I don't know what I have just watched but I swear it is the best thing I have ever seen on television.

                       

I don't even know where to start- but all I know is any show that makes me gasp and sit with my hand over my mouth for a full minute has got to be good. And it wasn't even from all the botox and fillers. These women are just.. fabulous in a really bad way. I do have my reservations that this is what the classy ladies of Sydney are like- but I don't care.

In terms of recapping it I wouldn't even know where to start- it was all just sooo- recappable. As it was the first episode maybe you need an intro to the characters.

The star of this show is definitely Sydney. It looks amazing. 

Our first housewife is Krissy.
She was a successful business women who lived in China, but now is in Sydney with her son and 2 dogs. Husband is still in China. She goes fishing with her son. I think she might be the Alpha.

                                                                                    
Victoria is next.  She is twice divorced (you go girl). She never washes her own hair (which just quietly I think should be looking better). She drinks "skinny bitches" which is a vodka lime and soda to you and me. She doesn't seem to know any of the others. She has real boobs. She has a son and apparently was fat when she was at school. She refers to another Housewives as being 'Jatz Crackers". I love her.

                      

 This is Lisa Oldfield. She is famous because her husband help found a redneck political party and then slept with the lady in charge of said party. Just don't remind her of that. She lives on a property with horses and has a pet snake. She shoots guns to relax. She also called her husband a "C*&T". 

This is Matty. She has big lips. She has a beauty business. Her lips are so big that she can't speak properly. But don't worry- when she is doing injectables she puts her glasses on and pops her hair in a pony tail. She is proud of her heritage which I want to say is Siamese but that's a cat isn't it.

                    

This is Nicole. She was Miss Australia. I know this because she mentions it like a million times. That is why she like wearing Tiara's. She has lived in London where she LITERALLY went to Paris for lunch. She came home so her daughters could go to high school ( I call bullshit- she came home for the show). Her husband will commute because they love flying. First class. But don't worry- she keeps it real by walking her kids down to cattle class to see how the plebs do it.  Did I mention she was Miss Australia?

                   

                   

This is Athena X. She was the one Victoria referred to as being Jatz Crackers. She is. She is all about peace love and harmony until you piss her off and then she is nasty. She paints (badly) and has a tendency to go to parties dressed as an Oscar. Her husband owns a jewellery shop where she works when she is not connecting with her past lives, meditating- which to her is like talking to God on the telephone or painting badly. Now I have no issue with new age stuff. I love it, but I have issues with people who are new age until they are not. And then turn into the sort of people that call others 'Chewbacca" ( "I can't be Chewbacca- I'm not hairy- I'm lazered.")

Finally Melissa. She sang a song in the 90's and was on a Aussie soap. She is obviously poorer than the others because we did not get a long shot of her house.  I think due to her lack of wanting to get involved in arguments she is looking to reboot her career. She looks fab but seems a bit beige. Well as beige as you can be with a face full of fillers and botox.

So in true House wives style- the ladies all meet, they call each other names, drink too much, have a few arguments, split into factions, insult each other and then call each others behaviour inappropriate. " You can't comment on women's weight- you may have put on a few kilos but you are not fat."and then the night is over when Victoria throws Athena X's cape( which looks like a fishing net) over the balcony into the harbour. She does show some remorse because she is worried dolphins might get caught in it.

I can't wait until next week. This is going to be fun.

Maybe I'm not as nice as I think I am.... The Fairy Light incident of 2016.

I have a confession to make... Maybe I'm not as nice as I like to think I am. You see I am in the middle of a war with my neighbour. Over a string of fairy lights. Yes you heard. A SINGLE STRING OF FAIRY LIGHTS.

This is not what my house looked like. Although you would have thought it.

Let me start at the beginning.

1. I am not a neighbourly person. I will be polite but I am happy to smile and say hello when we make eye contact, but I don't want to have to chat every time I walk out the door. Sometimes I don't want to talk. I want to be able to be outside my house and not have to get involved in a conversation about nothing.

2. Considering my hate of being neighbourly I have a kazillion neighbours, one lot behind who are Irish and fab (we smile and wave), an ex bikie on the other (name Spider and he is a delight- the only time we have talked this year was when he told me I needed to put trace elements on my lemon tree. He was correct), a rental across the road which is currently empty after the happiest refugees in the world moved out, and block of 4 units also across the road (lovely wavey relationship with the lady whose name I don't remember. It has gone past the point of being able to say I don't know her name. The lady at the shop who overheard me telling my friend suggested I go through her mail.) and the crazy lady next door. I will call her Crazy.

3.This is about Crazy. We have a history. I have lived in my house since 2004. Her mum lived there for years. She lived there when she was young. She feels she owns the street. She does not. 

4. She is "hard work". She is a complainer. Like all the freakin time. About everything. She is the sort of person that will ring the council if the builders start working 5 minutes early. She parks her car on her dead verge so no one can park there. I shit you not. I have always been polite because that's how I was raised. I smile, I never complain back. I might bitch a but and encourage my dogs to poop on her dead verge- but never complain.

And then there was the incident I like to call "THE GREAT FAIRY LIGHT GATE"

I put up a string of fairy lights as my token Christmas spirit. (My feelings towards Christmas is another story.) Any way to cut a long story short 1 days after my SINGLE string of lights went up I had a letter in my letter box telling me " I was disturbing her sleep." oh and my dogs bark. (Well derr- the key is in the word DOG- and so does hers- but I don't complain).

I ignored her but turned my lights off at 11:30 the following night when I got home from a work function- which by the way was taking 120 Year 9 students on a river cruise. The next day I had another note in my letter box. She wanted them turned off at 9. I was seething. 

When I was watering my lawn she came home and wanted to talk. I said no. She said yes. I told her no and that she didn't want to go there. She decided to go there. We had an arguement. Out the front of my house. The last time that happened was when I told that behind me neighbours (not the lovely Irish couple- the before the Irish lovely couple) that it was not appropriate for their friends to run naked down the street.( because it really isn't). To cut a long story short- I told her she had no Christmas spirit, and was nasty and needed to stop thinking she could control everything and to calm the fuck down. She cried. I finished watering my lawn. We haven't spoken since.

So back to why I am not as nice as I think I am....... It is now the end of February. The string of fairy lights are still up. Decorating my fence.  I don't turn them on. They are just up.  To keep her on her toes. Because she may never know when they go on.  

I am a bit torn. I do feel mean. I do feel petty. But I also feel a little smug... And I still let the dogs poop on her lawn.

What I bought next... beauty edition.

I'm at home sick in bed today. I think I have a tummy bug. I say think because as I'm on my VLCD I have nothing to vomit up- so I have had a week of feeling like I'm going to vomit with a crappy headache. I have just sent my son off to Macca's to get me a giant coke zero. I'm hoping it will have the same effect of my normal " I feel shit so I must have coke" treatment. 

I was asleep but my dogs woke me up alerting me to the fact that the delivery man was here with my order from Sephora (there is sunshine in every day). I thought this was a sign that it was an apt time to do a beauty blogs. I will call it "What I bought next".

1. Kat Von D Tattoo Liner in Trooper (thats really black to you and me).

I always have a black liquid eyeliner on hand and I have always wanted to try this. I have just put it on- in my sick bed using my computer camera as my mirror. It went on like a dream. I think this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.                                
2. Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Definer in Blonde
This is a replacement brow pencil. It is my all time favourite. Easy to use and gives a natural looking brow. I like it a lot.

                              
3. Loreal Infallible Setting Mist
This is a new one to me. I have been using the Urban Decay setting spray but I saw a beauty blogger using this and thought I would give it a go- because I do like the Infallible foundations and it is really good. It has been really humid here this last week and my make up stayed put all day. A warning though- give it a really good shake and hold it about 20cm from your face before you spray- otherwise you will end up with what looks like splotches of toothpaste on your face.

                                     
4. Too Faced Better than Sex Mascara Waterproof.
This is a cult product. And I HATE IT. I have the unwaterproof one and while it does make my lashes look great it is the only mascara that runs on me. By the end of the day I have smokey under eyes. No mascara ever runs on me so I don't get it. I thought I would try the Waterproof one. It is really just crap. My lashes stick together and go in a weird direction and I just hate it.

                                        
5. Too Faced Melted Liquified Long Wear Matte Lipstick ( Queen B)
This is is exactly what it says. It is a liquid lipstick, it is matte, it is long wearing and it is fabulous. The colour Queen B is a natural pink and I team it with MAC's boldly bare, or subculture liner. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

                                         
6. MAC Strobe Cream.
I had this product years ago but they have recently done-over the range. It is a really nice illuminating cream that you can either put on in places you want to highlight, or can mix with your foundation for an all over glow. Another love.

                                             
7. Avon Ultra Colour Lipstick
Yep I said Avon. I got this in my Bella Box and it was a lovely red colour and I thought " What the hell- it's Christmas I'm going to wear it". It is was amazing. Felt beautiful on my lips, lasted and didn't run.  I just had a look on the web site and it is currently $12. Worth every cent.

   

                                            
8. Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream All Over Miracle Oil.
If you have read my blogs you would know I love 8 Hour Cream. DOn't know what's in it- but I love it. I always have a tube and when ever I go away I always buy a tube duty free. But this time I found the oil and yes- It is a miracle oil. I use it on my hair, my skin, everywhere and I love it. Be warned though- if you are going to use it on your hair- use is sparingly because it is oily.

Let me know any fab finds you have discovered (or rediscovered).

Rehab update....

                        


I know you have been sitting with baited breath waiting for an update on how my body rehab is going, so I thought I should deliver.

I am now on Day 16... and I'm not going to lie... I have been doing well in terms of sticking to my body rehab, but I am a little disappointed in the actual weight I have lost. On my weigh in on Monday it was 3.5kg. Yes I know its not bad but really.... no friggin alcohol in 2 weeks (apart from a vodka lime and soda) and only 3.5kg?? Who are these people who give up wine for a week and drop 5kgs?? I want their number.

 So here are some ups and downs to my rehab.

1. I find it easier if I put off eating for as long as possible in the mornings. I try not to eat until 11:20 (that's recess- I'm a teacher- we are told when to eat.)

2. I have no energy to exercise. And when I'm do I am super, super hungry. I'm hoping next week I can start exercising again- I'm not missing it though because hell I'm consuming 800 calories a day for Gods sake. I'm lucky if I have the energy to walk to my car.

3. When I go to the pub it is a good idea not to drink too many diet cokes. Caffeine + no food = Emma watching youtube videos until 2 in the morning (and also going to the toilet a lot)


I'm also not committing to saying that I can go out and have a good time if I'm not drinking....but it's getting easier (who am I???).

4. When my friends talk about food I have to tell them to fuck off.

5. Your hunger does "lessen". Note- I said "lessen".

6. Kale chips actually taste ok. As long as you burn them to add some flavour.

7. Existing mostly on vegetables means that you tend to "pass wind" quite frequently.

8. Restaurants don't cater well to people who are living on air vegetables. Can we pass a law that every restaurant needs to have a salad, or steamed veggies on the menu- with no Persian fetta or anything else that has taste??

                                               

9. I dream about bread.

10. My clothes are getting looser. Yeah.

I will give you an update in a couple of weeks... and to those of you who I know are on this journey with me...STAY STRONG. YOU'VE GOT THIS.

20 Things you didn't know about me.....

I saw on instagram the other that Kim Kardashian West wrote a post called " 20 things you didn't know about Me". 

Now I love Kim (and Kayne) but I just saying that if you have to say that you are really funny.... well maybe aren't that funny. Other things we didn't know included she always carries a pillow and blanket when she travels, and that she has never had a cold coffee drink from Starbucks. Here is a a link to the article of you would like to read the whole thing.

So I thought I would write my own list of 20 Things You Didn't know about me. Prepare to be blown away.

1. I'm scared of balloons. Completely irrational- can't tell you why, I just am.

2. I hate coriander. It tastes like soap and ants. Gross. Why do people insist on putting it on everything. I seem to spend my life picking out coriander. 

3. I am a really bad speller. But strangely I can pick spelling mistakes anyone else makes.

4. My favourite chocolate in the box of Favourites is the Moro Bar. Yes I am the person that likes them.

5. I am a qualified Librarian. I know right?  The loudest person in the room.

6. My most favourite meal in the whole world is Steak, Chips and Bearnaise sauce. My second favourite is a Chicken Parmie ( but then whose isn't?). My least favourite is Asian food. I like it every now and then, but its not my jam. I'm trying to like it more. Just hold the coriander.

7. I have a really short attention span. I am always doing at least 2 things at once and can even have 3 conversations on the go. This can be quite disconcerting for people who are not aware of my skill and think I'm not listening to them. I think it from being a teacher. The saying should be "I have ears in the back of my head", not eyes.

8. White Chicks is my favourite movie. EVER. Followed very closely by Titanic. I have also never seen a Star Wars. Or a Harry Potter. I once watched the first 10 minutes of a Lord of the Rings. That's 10 minutes I will never get back.

9. I can only sleep with a doona on. This means that even if it not hot I will have to have the airconditioner on super cold so I can sleep.

10. I get migraines and always have. I was put on medication for them when I was 6. I actually had to quit my job working for Estee Lauder because the perfumes would give me a migraine. I was also next to Elizabeth Arden counter and if anyone sprayed Red Door it was all over. I can still smell that at 100 paces. WORST. PERFUME. EVER.

11. I love reading. Books, magazines, junk mail....God I love junk mail. 

12. I have always loved make-up, The first product I bought was a Covergirl eyeshadow with 3 shades of pink. I bought it from Coles in Townsville. My mum told me it made my face look fat. (Which probably had more to do with the fact that I was fat) She swears she doesn't remember saying it. Never worn pink eye shadow since. I have also always loved clothes and fashion, from about the time I was 12 I was onto it. And the 80's was a great time to love fashion.

13.  I hate, hate, hate speaking to people on the phone. I get nervous, sweaty and I panic. If I do have to speak I talk fast, and it is super awkward and I can't wait to get off the phone. So if you ever get a call from me you know someone has died.

14. I wanted to be a journalist when I was at school- a fashion/beauty editor was my dream job. I became a teacher because I didn't get the marks for Journalism. Once I got my degree I worked in retail for 10 years, before I went back to teaching.

15. I really like singing. I just can't. ( well I think I can but other people tell me otherwise.)

16. My second toe is a lot bigger than my big toe. 

17. I love cooking, and I'm quite good at it (if I say so myself). Sweet stuff is my specialty. My friends and I applied for My Kitchen Rules once. I had a phone interview. They never called back.

18. I love champagne ( but then that's no secret). And wine. And vodka. And whisky.

19. I love crappy tv, especially Real Housewives of anywhere and Great British Bake Off. I can watch and appreciate serious tv but I prefer crap. 

20. I'm actually really funny.......

Ahhh the life of a working mother.

Alright..whose bright idea was it for women to work??? I have just recovered from week 1 of the school year and I'm not going to lie..... I am EXHAUSTED. Don't get me wrong I am very glad that women in the 70's fought for my rights to go to work, but I'm not quite sure they thought the whole thing through properly. 

                                          

Lets go through a typical day in the life of a working mum (me).

5am : Wake up. Stumble with eyes still shut, put on exercise gear (hopefully not inside out) and exercise.

7am: Get home from said exercise. Attempt to wake up children.

7:05 am: Get in shower, wash hair, get dressed, do makeup and hair.

7:15 Try to get child up again. Make them breakfast, ensure they have everything they need for the day.

7:20: Tell child to get dressed. Feed the animals, make the bed, tidy the house.

7:25 :Yell at child to get dressed. Pack you lunch and all the stuff you need to get to work. Find that someone has eaten the leftovers that was your lunch as a midnight snack.

7:26 :Go through the dirty washing basket to find a school shirt for child to wear. Give it a spray of deodorant to hide smell.

7:27 Send snapchat to friends (because you don't want to break your 157 day streak) Ask oldest child to take the rubbish out.

7:30 :Try and calm child down after upsetting them for the yelling.  Jump in the car.

7:31: Go back inside because you have forgotten your phone.

7:32 :Go past coffee shop ( or if running late from Maccas) get coffee. Eat breakfast on the way to work.

8:00 :Get to work

8:15 :Get message from child saying they can't find their phone/keys/musical instrument/ (insert item here).

8:15-3:30:  Get to work. Have a second coffee. Work (in my case teach stuff, yell at kids, talk to teachers, fix problems, calm down kids, email parents/ do duty, get yelled at by kids).

3:30-4:30 Generally a meeting or do some work. If none of the above- go and do the grocery shopping. Ask kids what they want for dinner- they say they don't care.

4:35 Get a phone call from a child minutes after you have left the shop telling you they need something urgently for tomorrow.

5:00 Get home-talk to children.  Tidy the house (yes I know we did that before I left for work, but as children have been home and needs tidying up again). Take out rubbish that said oldest child didn't take out (whilst generally yelling- ' If its falls on the floor while you are trying to put it in the bin, the bin is probably full").

                                                

5:30 Make dinner (unless you don't have an activity to take a child too).  Whilst making dinner, help with homework, make lunches for the next day, sign notes, feed the animals, put on a load of washing. Wish this wasn't the week you had given up drinking.

6:00 Watch family feud whilst eating dinner. (don't judge- who doesn't play along to fast money?). Kids complain thats not what they want for dinner. 

6:30 Do the dishes, argue with the children to help with the dishes. Adjudicate arguments between children whilst they are doing dishes- is putting away really any easier than drying?  Feed the animals (they never care what they get for dinner).

                                                   

6:35 Check uniforms/clothes are ready for the next day.  Ask children to have shower. Water the garden.

7:00 Do a final tidy up of the house.

7:30 Sit on the bed and check all your social medias, watch some tv and cuddle dogs and cats. Plan tomorrow, including work stuff and arrangements for children.

8:00 Have shower, put on pyjamies and settle in for an early night in front on the computer/tv/ipad.

11:00 Look at the time and get shocked that you accidentley got sidetracked looking at dog videos on the internet and you should have been asleep aged ago.

3am Wake up to go to the toilet, then start thinking of what you have to do. And then getting into a panic that you are never going to ever sleep again and you are going to be tired for the rest of your life.

To my pioneering women who fought for my right to equality- I thank you. Can we also fight for our right to have a personal assistant?

* I am also in no way saying working mothers work harder than stay at home mothers. I am just talking about me.