Slime- the epidemic facing out children today.

For those of you who don't have kids aged between 6 and 13 you might not be aware that there is an epidemic that is currently infecting our children and the house holds they live in. I think it will eventually go down as one of the great epidemics of our time. It is called Slime. Or as I like to call it the " why is there fucking slime all over my house"epidemic.

So let me tell you a bit about the slime epidemic. I don't know where it came from but I think it has something to do with bloody youtube. It has also mutated into many different forms- plain, fluffy, glitter.... which makes it so dangerous.

So these are the symptoms you need to be aware of.

1.Your child will start watching the videos and before you know it you are being asked to go to the shop to buy borax and PVA glue. Actually let me rephrase that- you can try and buy PVA glue because every shop in Australia is out of PVA glue.

2. All your Tupperware containers/ bowls and spoons start going missing. You find them in random places throughout the house. But never in the sink, or cleaned and back in the drawer.

3. Little lumps of slime start appearing everywhere. On the floor, on cupboards, next to the bed, on the ceiling.

Now if you are lucky the disease will stop here. If you are not - the infection intensifies to the next stage.....

4. You start finding glitter everywhere. Even though you could have sworn you had no glitter in the house.

5. You will go to get your moisturiser/ fake tan/ carpet cleaner/ shaving foam/ and find it is not there.  That is because the epidemic has morphed into the more serious  advanced form of slime.

6. Your perfume will start to go missing. Your whole house will start smelling like your Chanel Coco Mademoiselle . This is where you start losing your shit and ask why they can't use their crappy One Direction perfume.

7. You will begin to notice that every plate/ bowl/ container you have ever owned has dried slime residue in it. A little bit embarrassing when you have people who don't have kids over. Those that do just give you that silent nod of understanding.

8. You will find yourself yelling " you are not bringing you slime to school/ dinner/ the shops" because apparently the slime needs to go everywhere with the infected child.

9. As the plague gets even more intense you will begin to find food colouring everywhere. And then as the infected child gets more creative they think that your make up will provide a good "pigment" (although she did get bonus points for using that word) to make great new shades.  And it's not just food colouring and makeup- you will also find that pens and textas will be cut open to get the colour out. Try getting that one out of your kitchen benches.

10. The final stage is acceptance. You end up giving them a cupboard, you buy throw away containers because resistance is futile. You begin to learn to live with it and wish like hell that one day is goes away.

In my house we have lived with the Slime epidemic for at least 6 months and it shows no sign of diminishing. I wish you luck for a speedy recovery. Or maybe someone bring back the fidget spinner.