The 7 habits that apparently make you seem dumb.

I came across this article the other day which was telling you what are the 7 things that make you seem dumb to other people. They obviously fancied up the words a bit, and said "less intelligent", but I knew what they were getting at. So here goes if you want to appear smarter this is what you need to STOP doing.

1. Dressing down in important situations.
I think I'm good with this one. Well apart from currently when my pyjamas have been on high rotation, and I have only gone to the shop in them once.... ok maybe twice. Alright three times tops.

2. Slouching
Apparently good posture makes you look smarter- because the more space you take up the more important you look. This is obviously the reason I have chosen to keep on that 10 kg's I have added to my frame. And obviously the reason why men sit with their legs apart.

3. Excessive nodding and head tilts
Apparently men only nod when they agree, women nod more frequently which makes them look like they are agreeing with everything. Well no...I am nodding at everything because I have tapped out of the conversation, have no interest in what you are saying and I've been distracted by something shiny.

4. Misusing words or phrases
I have to agree with this one. My most favourite ever example of this was when I was in a staff meeting once and we were talking about the evils of social media- when myspace and facebook were the sites of choice. A staff member stood up and said " I just wish the kids would get of my face". Still makes me laugh a good 10 years later.

5. Using language softeners
This means don't say " I'm not sure" or " Anyone could have done it." Say it with confidence. So if you think someone is a dick, don't say " I think you are a dick" just say " You are a dick."

6. Being overly judgemental
This also includes not gossiping. What a dumb rule. What fun is life if you can't judge someones outfit and have a good chat?? And anyway isn't the whole article a little judgemental?

7. Using profanities at work
Well I'm fucked.

I have a dirty little secret.......

I have a dirty little secret... I hope you are sitting down. I love country music. Not Taylor Swift country, not Miley Cyrus country ( although who doesn't love The Climb, or Party in the USA for that matter) but the real deal. I'm talking Keith Urban, Luke Combs, Luke Ryan (hang on what sort of country name is Luke??) country.

I have always been partial to a bit of country, in fact when I was little I would walk around the house singing to John Denver, but somewhere a long the line my teenage years kicked in and all I wanted to do was marry John Taylor from Duran Duran. Well to be honest I probably still do.  But since I have been on my extended home stay and I have got sick of listening to the top 40 I decided the other day to click onto the country top 40. Lets just say my life has changed. And not just because my 12 year old keeps yelling at me to " turn that music off".

Country music for the record is the top selling music in the world. And no, not just because the majority of people who listen to it don't have technology so they buy CD's. It's because it's good, and catchy, funny and has such meaningful lyrics. They sing about love, heartbreak, and picking up chicks at hooters all in the same song. They are , sorry Kayne West, lyrical genius's.

Here are some examples from my favourite country tracks of the moment, which are on high rotation in my house, car and my head.

1. " Sometimes you gotta drink about somebody, but that ain't gonna bring 'em back."
 Preach to that Morgan Evans- it may not bring them back, but it sure does make you feel better... until the next day that is.

2." Then I got the last spot in the Hooters parking lot, and the waitress left her number on my check with a heart, she picked up on the first ring when I gave her a call, and now I spent 5 bucks at the Moose Club raffle, won a used four wheeler and three free passes for me and two of my buddies to play a round of golf."
One word for you Luke Combs. WINNING. I don't know what the Moose Club is, but I sure want to go.

3. " People talk about what is and what isn't country..... is it the size of your tires and your fires, or your wild arse buddies?"
Very good question Luke Bryan.

4." First time I tied a plastic worm and felt it on the other end, it was get on the net, get him in the boat, Yeah buddy, I was hooked on it."
Now I have never been hooked on fishing, but this songs damn well makes me want to be.

5. " The moon went hiding, stars quit shining, the rain was dropping, thunder, lightning, you wrecked my whole world when you came and hit me like a hurricane."
Mmmm this may resonate with me because I may or may not have been called Hurricane Emma before. Although I'm sure I've never wrecked anyone's life... although maybe don't ask either of my ex husbands that.

6. " Shake it for the young bucks sittin in the honky- tonks, for the rednecks rockin' till the break of dawn... country girl shake it for me."
I think this is the country version of ' Get Low"- you know  the " from the windows to wall, feel the sweat drip down my ..... " I'm sure you know the rest.

7. " You know I like my chicken fried, and a cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radioooooo up".
Who doesn't Zac Brown Band, who doesn't.

8. " There is no dollar sign on peace of mind."
Amen to that.

So if you need me, this urban girl will be sitting on her verandah listening to police sirens wishing I was sitting on my verandah in Nashville.

The post I never wanted to feel I had to write.

There is something I have been sitting on for the last week, and wasn't really sure about whether or not to deal with it, but I have decided today, that in my new mantra of not hanging onto shit- I'm going to deal with it. It goes against my other mantra of keep things as light as possible because everyone is going through their own shit, but .... here goes.....

Sooooooooo- as most of you know and those who know me well know I have been sick for the last 9 weeks with Ross River Virus. I have also been off work for the last 9 weeks. Signed off by my doctor and my psych. I have never had this much time of work (except for when I was on long service leave)- hence why I had 95 sick days. I am sick. In fact I have never been this sick in my life and I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

My days are spent for the most part in bed, on peoples couches, at the doctors or psych, or on my veranda with my dogs and cats smoking like a chimney.  Except for a few hours a day when I get out of bed to go on what I call my "excursions" which I am doing under the advice of both my psych and my doctor. My excursions may be going to the shops, going out for lunch/dinner/drinks and every day I go to the pool for a swim (once again because my doctor told me I have too).

The problem has arisen because it has got back to me because I have posted things on social media people are ( behind my back) questioning how sick I really am- because I am making it look that way. I'm not going to lie- that 1 second snapshot of my life right now does look great. Because I am making it look that way. I do look good right now. I am sporting a fab tan, I have lost a bit of weight and when I know people are looking I always make sure I am smiling and looking happy.

What I am not posting is me in my pyjamas all day ( and yep I even went to the shop in them), lying in my bed which I don't even bother making anymore because I am back in it at least every 45 minutes, my house which is filthy and has washing that has not been folded for 3 weeks because I don't have the energy to do it. 

I don't post photos of my self wearing the same clothes I have worn all week because deciding what to put on is too hard, I do not post the photos of me before I have built up the courage to leave the house, or when I leave where I have been because my anxiety is so bad. I don't show that I can not sit still when I am out for longer than 15 minutes, I do not show my chain smoking in an attempt to control and calm my mind. I am not showing photos of me trying my hardest to sleep because I am exhausted, but sleep is eluding me so I am awake until 1am and the up at 4. I do not show the amount of pain killers I am on to make it through the day.

What I am showing you is the me that I once was, and the me that I am hoping to be again once I get through this. The social media posts are because I have been advised by my psych that that is who I am, and in order to get me back, I have to start acting like me again.

I haven't posted misery shots, or misery posts because I think, quite frankly it's boring. I don't think anyone really wants to know, because trust me it's not that exciting. But I am disappointed that people who I am "friends" with are questioning me and my health.. In the words of my psych " I shouldn't have to offer anyone an explanation", and I don't. 

I guess this is a thank you to the amazing people who have been by my side, and have seen me through the down, sat with me as I have cried or stared into space and look at my facebook and instagram and say " thank God we got her out of the house and out of those bloody pyjama's- and she even slapped on a bit of makeup".

And to the people that are questioning how sick I am..... well you can go fuck yourself, and please feel free to unfollow me, because you are no longer welcome to be part of my life. 

To the people in my previous life..... I'm really sorry..

Do you ever wonder what you were in a past life?? I have spent a bit of time thinking about that in the last few weeks, because I think I have come up with the answer. In my last life I was a Princess, but a really, really mean one- who pissed off all the people who worked for me. And I am paying for it in this life. 

This is how I imagine I looked in my past life as the evil Princess.

Although in reality I'm sure I looked more like this..... no wonder my cook hated me.

Why do I think this way? Well not just because I can be a bit of a Princess in this life ( yes I said it so no one else has too)- but my reasons are because even though I am attempting to look on the bright side of life, life seems to have other ideas. Here is a list of my reasons (and all these things have happened in the last 3 weeks)

• My microwave blew up. So obviously I pissed off my former cook. Now in reality it is actually because as my daughter is the Princess of slime, and all my bowls have been used to make the bloody stuff, so it appears slime made with glitter and microwaves don't mix. Who knew!
• My oven door broke. Cooks revenge again. Incidentally this can also be linked to the princess of slime who decided to stop making slime and make shrinky dinks in the oven. She thought best to do something (she still won't admit what) to the door.
• My iphone was subject to the great data glitch of 2017 and fucked up, meaning it shut down every 30 seconds. I spend three hours on the phone to Apple. They told me it couldn't be fixed. I went and bought a new one. They called me back two hours later telling me they had released a new software update and it could be fixed. Of course they fucking did. This was obviously one of my servants I was mean to when I asked them to send letters by raven like they do in Game of Thrones.
• My fridge died. The cook again obviously.
• This morning my car had a flat battery. Man I must have been a bitch to my chauffeur.
• This brings me to what a mole I must have been to my poor maid, because her revenge has come in the shape of my two children who live at home and have no idea how to clean up after themselves. Their most favourite game at the moment is to eat every last thing out of the box, but leave the box in the cupboard or fridge so when I go to get something it is empty. Such a cool game.
• My poor pets where another of my past life victims, because even though I take them outside 50 million times a day they much prefer to shit on the rug inside, and then when they are outside they choose to terrorise the neighbourhood by running and barking after everyone who walks past. Now as the majority of my time is spent in my pyjama's- I spend a lot of time running down the street in my pyjamas. The neighbours have got wise though and cross the street. To be honest not sure if they are avoiding the dogs or me in my pyjamas.

                                           

So to all those I have wronged in my former life.... I am really, really sorry and I have seen the errors of my ways. I promise if I am ever reincarnated as a Princess again I will be really, really nice to everyone. Like Princess Diana but without the touch of crazy. So can we all calm down now and just play nice?

Find Your Tribe.

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast. Yes- a podcast. I'm new to the whole world of podcasts, but as the majority of my life for the last 8 weeks has been spent trapped in my house (apart from my daily doctor ordered excursions) I'm
mixing up Netflix and Stan with a few other riveting moments- hence the podcasts. Although being me I do tend to get distracted and have to replay them a bit.


The podcast was from Russell Brands "Under His Skin" and he was talking to Ruby Wax about Mindfulness and Mental Health. I really like Russell Brand and even though a friend and I disagree on whether he is now happy with his new life as a no longer drug addict and a husband and dad (he it totally not bored and is not missing his rock and roll lifestyle at all... is he??) I think he is one clever guy. Mental Health or mental wellness as my mate Russell likes to call it is something that interests me a lot. So I found this really interesting.

But the part that interested me the most was towards the end of the podcast where Ruby Wax started talking about a club she had started called "The Frazzle Cafe ". The idea is the club is where a group of people get together and talk. The reason behind this is because although we are more connected with others than ever before, the majority of people actually have no one to really talk to. We no longer have a tribe and we are actually really isolated. Ruby believes that we are not really connected to each other anymore and we spend the majority of time talking about superficial stuff we don't really care about and never have the chance to actually "talk". She says that we actually are quite alone, even though we are always surrounded by people.

This got me thinking because I actually do have a tribe. My tribe is called The Garden Club. Named the Garden Club because one day we all got together and did my garden one day ( not because we meet in the Beer Garden at The Balmoral although that is a valid point). My tribe has 5 permanent members and we get together at least every week and we talk. Sometimes we talk about life, we talk about our weeks, we laugh ( a lot), we cry ( we have all had a crying Friday) and we also consume quite a bit of wine. But most importantly we are there for each other. We are there to pick each other up when someone hits hard times, we are there to help each other out when we need it. We talk about our kids, offer each other advice, but most importantly we listen. We all know that each other is only a phone call away and if one of us needs each other we are there. We are honest with each other and speak the truth ( I tend to get " make good choices" and " you are not everyone's source of entertainment" a lot) We don't judge, we care. We also talk a lot of shit as well. We offer each other parenting advice, and will step in with each others kids when things get too much. 

The other thing about the Garden Club is that we have what we like to call "honorary members". They join us occasionally for our meetings and the members of the club always welcome them with open arms, although they are required to buy a bottle of Baileys and Baileys. Once someone has attended a meeting it is like they have become part of the tribe. They always seem to have something to offer, something to share, something to talk about or something to have a laugh about. Occasionally a husband or partner is brave enough to attend ( after our initial 2 hours of "Garden Club" time) and they are quite often called upon to give a male perspective (whether or not we choose to listen is another issue).

I feel so lucky that I have my tribe and if I'm honest not sure how I would have got through the last 12 months without them. They are more than my best friends, they are my people, my voices of reason. 

I love them all more than I could ever put into words.