I have been tardy

 I have been very tardy with my blogs lately. ( I love that word, it always reminds me of the scene in Clueless when he thanks McDonalds for having the most tardy's. I think I might introduce that word to my classes).

 Work always gets in the way of everything fun, it is a shame that that is the thing that pays the bills.

I also realised it has been a while since I posted a make up blog, so I have just return from a visit to Priceline, and I was inspired to write a special Priceline chain store everyday casual weekend look. I have actually just taken some photos and they look like crap and it probs won't motivate you to buy the stuff, but I am in position for The Real Housewives of Melbourne with my wine in my bed, so I'm not moving.  

              See I told you it is a shocker. I couldn't even do my hair because my nails are wet.

This is my Sunday " I have run a 10km fun run and then had to run home because I forgot to get money to pay for my parking" look. On the weekend I tend not to wear foundation unless I am heading out for a night on the town. Which happens almost never, so you could say this is my weekend look.

I have on L'oreal Luminosity BB Cream I love this because I am addicted to anything luminous (to reflect light away from wrinkles).

Over the top I have some Australis HIghlights in Pearl. I bought this because I am out of my MAC Strobe liquid and I saw someone say this week that this is a good option. AND IT IS!. And $14.95 is a damn good price.

Cheeks are Maybelline Bronzer, with a little bit dusted over my face for some overall colour. This is also very cheap. We are talking around $15 and bronzers usually last a really long time. Unless of course you like it looking like this.

For the record your bronzer should never look like this.

Ballet

Lips are another Australis product, Colour Inject Mineral lipstick in Ballet. I am going through a bit of a lipstick stage at the moment. I really want brights, but I have noticed that cheaper brands really tend to bleed. They make me look like I have the lips of a 70 year old chain smoker, so I think you are best to stick with lighter colours when you are "mature". This colour is a soft pink, and OMG it feels so soft and creamy. 

My nails are East Hamptons Cottage from Essie. I was in a dilemma because I needed to replace my Balletslippers but they were out. I settled on this even though it is a bit whiter than I would like, but I decided that I would get the colour to match my veranda which I like to think looks a bit like the Hamptons. In Victoria Park.

Did someone say Hamptons- or was it Ikea?

You may have noticed that I have missed out eyes. Well thats because my eyes didn't come from Priceline , I have on my YSL Touche Eclat $55- you must have this, and I am wearing Lancome mascara $40 (thats not cheap) BUT I won them both in a competition, so basically they were free.

I wanted to be able to say that the mascara wasn't that good, but it actually is really good. I don't even think a 14 year old girl could make this clump!

Even the packaging is dreamy

Just so amazingly good.

So that's it- a casual make up when you are not wearing makeup but don't want to look like you are not wearing makeup.

For the record I am not sure if I told you about my winnings. I won a competition from Elle magazine, I had to write why I like the magazine. I can't remember what I wrote, but the prize was amazing. I got some skin care, a face mask, the touché éclat, the mascara, this beautiful candle

 It is meant to smell like walking through the Sydney suburb of Paddington - lucky they clarify that because as my friend Claire said if it smelt like Paddington in London, it may not be as pleasant.

And this awesome Bally print. Isn't it fab. I got the frame from Ikea, and it just looks super good.

For the record Elle magazine is pretty good. It is wordy but not too wordy if you know what I mean.

Elle also has a good website if you want to be a tight arse and not buy the mag.

Time for another wine. Have a good week everyone!

My night of Sex and the City (well Crown)

Sooo on Wednesday night I went to the amazing Nobu to have a dinner in the presence of the most amazing costume designer (well maybe apart from Catherine Martin) Patricia Field. She is the CD for Sex and the City- the tv show and the movie. Notice I said movie because I don't think anyone would own up to the second one. It is sort of like the embarrassing  relation that no one speaks about.

Sex and the City is one of this amazing shows. I remember when I first heard about the show. It was before it was even made. You see I have always been a bit of a tv show junkie and as well as having favourite shows I had favourite producers (like I have favourite magazine editors and favourite directors- media nerd which is way cooler than a normal nerd. In my mind anyway.)

Anyway I digress- Darren Star (amazing name- why is it never Darren Jones.) He had already created two of the MOST AMAZING TELEVISION SHOWS EVER- Beverly Hills 90210-( the original one, not the remake that was all pc and had the adopted african american dude. The only racial variation in the 80's was the Jewish Aundrea Zuckerman, but don't worry she didn't live in Beverly Hills) and Melrose Place. They were a revolution in television. There used to be Melrose Place parties at the pubs on Tuesday nights. You never went out on a Tuesday. Ever.

Mmmmm guess who got cast because their dad owned the production company hey Tori Spelling???

OMG is that SAMANTHA standing next to Bree from Desperate Housewives???

So Beverly Hills finished, we graduated tup Melrose Place and then the worst thing happened. He was leaving to create this dumb show about four friends looking for love in New York. And this was before New York was really all that cool. And it was going to star the weird looking girl with curly hair that was in " Girls Just Want to Have Fun"

The first few episodes were dodgy ( what was with that talking to the camera thing she did), but slowly it gained momentum until it was THE show.

A few things stood put but nothing like the clothes. Aww the clothes. The shoes, the handbags. It was a sea of fantasy awesomeness. Carries wardrobe was everywomen's fantasy. If you didn't like Carrie's you could like Samanthas, Charlottes or Miranda's. They were sort of like One Direction- there was a stereotypical women to fit every single women out there. There was one we could all relate too - although secretly we all wanted to be Carrie and no one wanted to be Miranda. 

Patricia Field was the creator of all that magic, so when I read that they were bringing her and some of the best costumes to Perth, I rang my girlfriend and we had to go.Click here to read about the costume display at Enex100

Luckily we had two weeks to decide what to wear - I went with the classic Wheels and Doll baby dress with black patent heels and Claire went with black lace with tights and ankle boots. We were looking the goods, I was excited and hungry. (yep still on the diet thing).

We strutted through Crown like the four girls heading to a fashionable club heading for Nobu and came across the biggest collection of women ever. It seems they all had spend two weeks planning their outfit as well. The photographers were there from the newspaper, there was a stop and repeat (that piece of paper that they put up for you to stand in front to have your photo taken). It was like we however where invisible . They didn't want our photo, so we walked in grabbed our table and sat down.

The Positives- (yes in list form)

1. The drinks were awesome. We had a welcome Cosmo (cliche but fab) and we ordered the best Rose and it was only $11 a glass.

2. The food was amazingly yummy japanese bits of awesomeness. Click here to check out their web page

3. Patricia Field was fab-u-lous. She is this tiny 70 year old eccentric women, dressed in silk (it was very creased) and sandals. She had this amazingly husky smokers voice and I am guessing she had had a few too many Cosmos. She has inspired me that that is how I want to be when I am 70.

Please God let me be this fab at 70. But maybe without the red hair. It clashes with my complexion.

4. There was some seriously awesome dresses going on in that room. Like seriously awesome. Spanx was also worn well ( they know you tuck your fat into the top of your Spanx so their is no muffin top). It was such a good place to women watch.

The Negatives

1. The host asked dumb questions. "What do you think of how Perth women dress?" Ummm as if she is going to say anything but great. ( In case you are wondering she said we dress very similar to Americans.)

2. The society women were down right rude. They talked all the way through her talk. Took selfies and walked (sorry staggered) past her and she was talking on their way to the loo. Not that I have anything wrong we having a good stagger to the loo after a few good bevies. But ladies- at least wait until the talent has gone.

3. I didn't get to ask her any of our fab questions. The girl who was a toddler when these shows were on the tele, who was taking selflies during the talk asked a dumb question. Lucky Patricia was sloshed so she just thought it was fab.

4. There was some seriously bad curl action going on. Curls are fashionable but it seems the ladies are not quite sure what to do after the magic has been created by the wand. For the record, either shake out the curls, brush them through carefully, or run your hands through them to soften them up a but. Don't leave them. You look like a nanna in a bad way.

After the dinner we went to do a bit of gambling. Claire and I normally win. But we lost and I cut my toe on a chair. I am thinking of suing Jamie Packer for that one. And we got bullied by a manic gambler who pushed us out from the table.

For the record here are my favourite SATC dress

The tutu skirt. God I would love a tutu skirt.

This amazing number. Patricia wanted it to look like Carrie had fallen asleep in a cloud.

Of course I was Carrie- with maybe a touch of Charlotte thrown in.

An open letter to MIranda Kerr

Hey Miranda,

How are you going? It's been a little while since the split with Lando, being a single mum can also be a little bit tough and I know you are having a little bit of a fight with your mum right now, so I guess things might be a little bit off. It happens, we all have lots of ups and downs.

Lets face it babe, you are a babe. You are beautiful, you have an amazing body, amazing hair and you are the mother the the cutest littlest munchkin in the world. You have lots of money and your personal style is amazing but I feel I need to tell you. I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOUR BOOBS.

Now I know that this might be an unpopular statement, but seriously do you really need to get them out all the time?  We've seen them, we've all seen them. In fact I don't know anyone who hasn't seen them. And the naked thing?? Nope not even an element of shock left. I can't believe I am saying this but it is a bit of a yawn.

You see it's a bit of a fine line. I get that you were a Victoria's Secret model, and that means that when you walk around in skimpy attire it is fashion and cool ( as opposed to when strippers walk around in skimpy underwear and it is cheap and nasty) but maybe we could go for another look. Girlfriend you are more than your nipples and your perfectly round butt.

And why I am at it, your Kora range is ridiculously over priced and not all that great. But I still think you are beautiful.

Em
xxx

* I am not going to put up here the photos that prompted this but if you would like to have a look click
here and boys- you are welcome.

** I wasn't being kind not putting an ugly Miranda shots- I just couldn't find any.

Life is like a box of chocolates

As most of you know I am a runner. I have a love hate relationship with running. More hate than love, but I have an even bigger love for my wardrobe and keeping the size of my butt in check. Which on a side note I thought I was getting back in check until yesterday when my Prac Student told me that I had a big bootie but "don't worry guys like that." But then she also called me "spritely" for my age. (What the actual hell- I am 42 not 62).

Anyway some days I have a Forest Gump run. I can run forever and everything feels great. I could go for three years if I had to. Well today was not one of those days.

It started with promise- I woke up and I didn't feel tired, maybe because it was 7am and not 5am. I said hello to the cats, removed the dog from my head (don't ask) put my contacts in, brushed my teeth, put my hair up- all looking good so far. Grabbed my shorts, coordinated it with a pink singlet, put on my sneakies, grabbed my Garmin which I had very cleverly attached my shuffle to so I wouldn't forget it, shoved my tissues in my bra and I was out that door, all by 7:05.

I was feeling confident this was going to be the most awesome 12km run, which would be fuelled by my penne d"angelo from Bella Rosa last night. Hell I had even only had 1 wine. And then life took a turn for the worst.

I got to the river and looked around and couldn't find my visor. Thats ok I told myself, it's not that sunny. I turned on my shuffle. nothing. I tried again. nothing. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! I charged it, I was prepared. The idea of running for 12km alone with my thoughts was terrifying. I walked back to my car. This just wasn't going to happen. The I slapped myself (mentally not physically because that would be weird- although I have been known to high 5 myself in the privacy of my own car when I have had a particularly good Gump run).

I can do this I told myself. So off I go, quietly disturbed by just how much I puff when I run. My keys were rattling in my shorts. I was trying to focus on the river. By the time I hit 5 km which is sort of the point of no return, my shorts started to rub. I pull them up a bit. They started to rub worse. I pulled then down a bit. It sort of sorted the issue. For a little while.

I hit the Elizabeth Quay mess, sorry detour where I had to wait at the lights. There were three other girls there. Now this is where it sunk in that running with headphones has many benefits, not just drowning out your heavy breathing and making you not be alone with your thoughts. You don't have to listen to other peoples bullshit.

Nope- It was definitely sweat

One girl, lets call her alpha runner was talking at her friends about how she trained for her half and not to admire her too much because they could do it as well. She looked at me with  a patronising smug smile that said- " so could you dear if you work hard", and I did that closed mouth smile whilst my mind was saying " 3 marathons and an ultra bitch so wipe that smug look off your face". Can you begin to see what happens when I am alone with my thoughts???  A little bit further up the road I was in front of them when she told her friends " lets over take this lady, she is running too slow." SLOW!! I am a spritely 42 Molls- I was running when you were born.

It was my slow run day bitch

My determination to not let them bruise my ego made me run faster, which resulted in my shorts riding up which resulted in my shorts rubbing which resulted in chaffing like I have never had before. I am talking 6 more km to go. This is where my run turned into interval training. Because every 500m I had to stop to pull my shorts down. At one stage they were so low I was lucky that my knickers matched my singlet, because they were so low half my knickers were showing. In my defence though they were Victoria's Secret and they did say Au Revoir. I should have thought to flash those when I was running in front of alpha child.

Things were going down fast. I was sweating so much, my singlet was soaked apart from my boobs, so I looked like Regina George when they cut circles out of her t-shirt, my shorts where so low I looked like I had pooed my pants, I had no hat to catch my sweat so It was getting in my eyes, so I was doing this weird squinty thing, and I had to do this weird run so my legs weren't getting stuck on my bloody stupid Gloria Jeans- sorry Lorna Jane- shorts. People were either staring at me, or giving me the " You can do it Love, you are doing so well" patronising look thing.

This is what my singlet looked like.

I had 1km to go. I was about to say stuff it when I remembered the large amount of pasta I had consumed the night before and I was planning on drinking many wines tonight.

I could do this. As soon as my watch hit 12km I stopped. The damage was grim. My singlet was a joke, and my poor inner thigh (only one- how weird is that?) looked like I had been dragged along the road for a day). I went to my car to get my water. No water, although I did find my visor. 

The moral of the story-
1. Never be alone with you thoughts 
and
2. There is a reason why real runners don't wear Lorna Jane.

and not just because these messages are stupid.

I've been a little bit quiet lately..

In fact I think everyone has been a little bit quite lately. If I was to describe the feeling I would say flat. Everybody is flat.

Flat is not good, unless you are of course talking about stomachs, but their seems to be a general feeling of blah-ness surrounding me. 

I have a few theories about why I am feeling blah. I thought I would list them, because I like a good list.

1. It has been hot for far too long. It is March. It was 24 degree yesterday morning at 5:30 AM. That is beyond reasonable. Now I am not one to complain much about the heat because I made a deal with my husband that because I hate the cold so much I would forgo my right to whinge about the heat as long as I could go to town on the cold. Enough. I am ready to pull put my winter wardrobe, and thats a sentence I never thought I would utter.

                     Even if was cool enough to wear this

2. The school term has gone on for far too long. It is Week 8. Couldn't we have Easter or something to split things up a bit? I commented to some fellow staff this afternoon (we called it Peer Mentoring) that if the term goes on for much longer someone is going to get hurt. I suggested maybe a Hunger Games event- we nominate a boy and a girl from each year and they battle it out. The last one standing is the winner and gets to live another day. One way to keep them in line. ( I am of course joking. JOKING. Of course they will go back into battle next term.)

                                  You were warned!

3. I am on a"diet". Sorry lifestyle change. I am hungry and bored, which in turn is making hungry and boring. On the plus side my new white jeans are a little loose. Yeah.

4. I am trying to save money which means I have not been shopping. Not like in since when I got home from Melbourne. That's like 4 weeks. Not even a lipstick. And I want a new lipstick. A bright, happy lipstick.

Like this one Amber Heard is wearing. It's NARS Red Lizard

                Or this one by MAC It's called Lady Danger

5. It is dark in the morning when I go running. I hate winter, I hate the dark. Bike riders blind you with their stupid lights, and you don't see the rats running across the path so you have more chance of stepping on them. Seriously.

6. Did I mention the diet hungry thing? Lisa Simpson was onto it when she said "You don't make friends with salad." Because you are eating salad + hungry = grumpy = no friends.

7. I have a pain in my butt. Literally. Well butt cheek. I have to have my seat warmer on in my car to try and stop if from hurting, and sometimes I get really hot. I just realised how obnoxious that sounds but I like to think of it like a heat pack that you don't have to heat up.

8. My mum has been on Vacation. Without me. I see my mum at least once a week. I missed her. 

9. Lots of crappy things are happening in the world and that makes me sad. Like Kim and Kayne getting the Vogue cover. And Gwenyth and Chris Martin splitting up. Although I did read that little baby North West peed on Kayne during the photoshoot. That made me laugh. Seriously though the crappy things are crappy. I hope the families of the plane crash victims find some closure.

           Watch me take a photo of you taking a photo of you

10. Did I mention the hungry thing? 

Ikea- its Swedish for Stress

I was exhausted today. Not just your normal everyday Monday you suck exhausted. But bone tired exhausted. And then I remembered- yesterday we went to Ikea.

I have a love hate relationship with many things in my life- I love shopping, but hate shopping centres, I love the feeling I get from exercise but hate doing it, I love money but hate working... you get the picture. Anyway Ikea is my ultimate love hate. I love going there, but I hate going there because there are just sooo many people. Who dawdle. and have no idea what they are there for.

I can trace my Ikea phobia down to two thing-

1. I hate crowds. Hate, hate , hate them. I get bad tempered, and want to swear at people, I want to hit people and I become generally very unpleasant. This is the reason my poor children have never been to The Christmas Pageant. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it)

2. Too many options stress me out. This is the reason I can never go to Subway. There are just far too many decisions and they want you to make them quickly. ( Speaking of Subway when did they stop cutting that little triangle shape out of the Subs??)

I don't know what I want OK???

So needless to say out trips to Ikea are usually timed with military precision. That go something like this

1. Decide what you are going there for. That is the reason they put out that catalogue. So you can plan. On a side note they publish more issues of that than the Bible. 

The 2014 Catalogue- Essental I repeat ESSENTIAL

You can even use the app. You have no excuse to wander aimlessly .

2. You go after breakfast, and before lunch, or after lunch. This is because at this time people are going nuts for their cheap meals. You can be sure of two things- bored housewives will be taking their kids out for the daily outing, (hence the after breakfast and lunch- nap times) and those lovely little pensioners will be having their daily outing. But will have to be home for Bold and the Beautiful.

A chicken parmy

All this for $4.95!!!!

3. You do not- I repeat do not go either in the second week of the two week holidays or in the last couple of weeks of the Christmas holidays. The reason for this is simple. By this stage mums will be completely over their children and the children will be completely over being dragged around by mum being forced to look at lights, or mats, or picture frames. Mums will be yelling at kids, kids will be sulking, little kids will be touching everything - or even worse be pushing little bloody carts around and wheeling into you.

4. You familiarise your self with the lay out of the showroom and you head straight for where you are going. Take those short cuts, and get there QUICK. You will have to do some ducking and diving around the professional browsers- but you can do it.

5. Find your item and take a photo of the tag that will tell you WHERE you can find your outing and what the product is called. Lets face it sometimes reading those tags is like reading The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo. All those names sound the bloody same.

They are called dombas because if you go unprepared you are a domb-as.

6. Make you way to the self service. Pick your self up some serviettes and straws on the way, grab one of the flat trolley things, go to the aisle, put stuff on the trolley (ensuring the label is somewhere it can be easily scanned) find a check out (personally I always go for my husbands choice, because if I have one super power it is that I will always pick the slowest moving checkout.)

100 straws for $1.50. There is no need for words.

7. Once you have pick your self up of the floor when you find out how much all those extra serviettes and straws that you have picked up have cost you pay- go to the food shop - buy your meatballs (always a few packets to make spaghetti and meatballs, call your mum to see if she wants some meatballs) get some mustard, move to the food checkout, buy a bag. ( Really? I just spent heaps of money and you want to charge me 40c for a bag) then move to the the food shop and buy  your reward for all you hard work- The $1 hotdog. Which lets face it has really cost you $20 if you add in all those sneaky little must haves. I once saw a husband and wife shopping for meatballs in Ikea. His name was Sven. Sven from Sveden, buying meatballs in Ikea. GOLD.

Kottbullar- a bag of these, a jar of Paul Newmans pasta sauce, a bag of pasta and you have a meal.

8. Get in the lift, wait at the bay for your husband and or significant others brings the car to load your fab new purchases. 

See easy- everyone is happy. Well except for whoever has to build all this flat packs. There is a trick to that. Act useless once or maybe ruin something once (make sure it is a cheap item though) and you will never be expected to assemble anything ever again.

So seeing as I appear to have it all sorted what went wrong? I can trace it down to three thing

1. We went at 12:30 on a Sunday. Rookie mistake. Lunch time and Sunday lunchtime at that.
2. We were over confident we thought we knew where we were going.
3. No contingency in place for the fact that they would have re-merchandised after Christmas. (DAMN YOU)

We got a parking spot, we were feeling confident, we knew where we were going, we took all the short cuts, We avoided the tables, the chairs, the kitchens, the bathrooms, the kids bit, the office bit, the cushions, the lights, straight down to the market place- straight to the self serve to the.......

WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS THE OUTDOOR FURNITURE?????

Well not where is what before Christmas. I could feel the panic rising. It was the worst case scenario. We had to go back in. AGAINST THE TIDE. This goes against all my IKEA training. We were going back in.... and we had no idea where we were going.  We regrouped- we assumed the outdoor table would be in tables. We took a deep breath. We went in. Dodging and diving. Braving all the dirty looks from the people going the right way. We got to tables. No Outdoor tables. I ask the lady. She says they are near the cashiers. I turn around to tell my husband. HE IS GONE. GONE.
I am lost in IKEA.
I tell my daughter. She consoles me with " It's OK mum, you still have your phone."

We call him, we head BACK to the cashier bit. NO. FREAKIN. OUTDOOR. FURNITURE..

We check the information computer. We find the table. We go to the aisle.The wrong aisle. We ask for help. We get directed to the right aisle. FREAKIN WHITE TABLE. OUT.OF.STOCK. Can this day get worse? Indi and I decide it is time to take action. We look at each other. We nod, and need no words.

"We think the table would be better in black anyway."

The source of all our stress.

My husband puts the table and chairs on the trolley, we pick up  two chairs for the verandah that I wanted ( he felt guilty because he snapped at me) picked the slowest moving checkout, fainted at how much extra the serviettes and straws cost, got out meatballs and mustard, got out $1 hotdogs (with mustard and sauce), and we were out of there. Exhausted. Physically and mentally.

But they only cost $3.50!!

Best mustard. ever.

On the up side the table looks fab, and the chairs on the verandah look super good. But I really think a stressful day at IKEA should warrant a day off work. 

And I still don't know where they have got the outdoor furniture on display.

                                                             and at least I got my hotdog

all images via the Ikea website except the dombas one. Thats from Pintrest.