Anyway some days I have a Forest Gump run. I can run forever and everything feels great. I could go for three years if I had to. Well today was not one of those days.
It started with promise- I woke up and I didn't feel tired, maybe because it was 7am and not 5am. I said hello to the cats, removed the dog from my head (don't ask) put my contacts in, brushed my teeth, put my hair up- all looking good so far. Grabbed my shorts, coordinated it with a pink singlet, put on my sneakies, grabbed my Garmin which I had very cleverly attached my shuffle to so I wouldn't forget it, shoved my tissues in my bra and I was out that door, all by 7:05.
I was feeling confident this was going to be the most awesome 12km run, which would be fuelled by my penne d"angelo from Bella Rosa last night. Hell I had even only had 1 wine. And then life took a turn for the worst.
I got to the river and looked around and couldn't find my visor. Thats ok I told myself, it's not that sunny. I turned on my shuffle. nothing. I tried again. nothing. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! I charged it, I was prepared. The idea of running for 12km alone with my thoughts was terrifying. I walked back to my car. This just wasn't going to happen. The I slapped myself (mentally not physically because that would be weird- although I have been known to high 5 myself in the privacy of my own car when I have had a particularly good Gump run).
I can do this I told myself. So off I go, quietly disturbed by just how much I puff when I run. My keys were rattling in my shorts. I was trying to focus on the river. By the time I hit 5 km which is sort of the point of no return, my shorts started to rub. I pull them up a bit. They started to rub worse. I pulled then down a bit. It sort of sorted the issue. For a little while.
I hit the Elizabeth Quay mess, sorry detour where I had to wait at the lights. There were three other girls there. Now this is where it sunk in that running with headphones has many benefits, not just drowning out your heavy breathing and making you not be alone with your thoughts. You don't have to listen to other peoples bullshit.
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| Nope- It was definitely sweat |
One girl, lets call her alpha runner was talking at her friends about how she trained for her half and not to admire her too much because they could do it as well. She looked at me with a patronising smug smile that said- " so could you dear if you work hard", and I did that closed mouth smile whilst my mind was saying " 3 marathons and an ultra bitch so wipe that smug look off your face". Can you begin to see what happens when I am alone with my thoughts??? A little bit further up the road I was in front of them when she told her friends " lets over take this lady, she is running too slow." SLOW!! I am a spritely 42 Molls- I was running when you were born.
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| It was my slow run day bitch |
My determination to not let them bruise my ego made me run faster, which resulted in my shorts riding up which resulted in my shorts rubbing which resulted in chaffing like I have never had before. I am talking 6 more km to go. This is where my run turned into interval training. Because every 500m I had to stop to pull my shorts down. At one stage they were so low I was lucky that my knickers matched my singlet, because they were so low half my knickers were showing. In my defence though they were Victoria's Secret and they did say Au Revoir. I should have thought to flash those when I was running in front of alpha child.
Things were going down fast. I was sweating so much, my singlet was soaked apart from my boobs, so I looked like Regina George when they cut circles out of her t-shirt, my shorts where so low I looked like I had pooed my pants, I had no hat to catch my sweat so It was getting in my eyes, so I was doing this weird squinty thing, and I had to do this weird run so my legs weren't getting stuck on my bloody stupid Gloria Jeans- sorry Lorna Jane- shorts. People were either staring at me, or giving me the " You can do it Love, you are doing so well" patronising look thing.
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| This is what my singlet looked like. |
I had 1km to go. I was about to say stuff it when I remembered the large amount of pasta I had consumed the night before and I was planning on drinking many wines tonight.
I could do this. As soon as my watch hit 12km I stopped. The damage was grim. My singlet was a joke, and my poor inner thigh (only one- how weird is that?) looked like I had been dragged along the road for a day). I went to my car to get my water. No water, although I did find my visor.
The moral of the story-
1. Never be alone with you thoughts
and
2. There is a reason why real runners don't wear Lorna Jane.
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| and not just because these messages are stupid. |
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