How are you going? It's been a little while since the split with Lando, being a single mum can also be a little bit tough and I know you are having a little bit of a fight with your mum right now, so I guess things might be a little bit off. It happens, we all have lots of ups and downs.
Lets face it babe, you are a babe. You are beautiful, you have an amazing body, amazing hair and you are the mother the the cutest littlest munchkin in the world. You have lots of money and your personal style is amazing but I feel I need to tell you. I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOUR BOOBS.
Now I know that this might be an unpopular statement, but seriously do you really need to get them out all the time? We've seen them, we've all seen them. In fact I don't know anyone who hasn't seen them. And the naked thing?? Nope not even an element of shock left. I can't believe I am saying this but it is a bit of a yawn.
You see it's a bit of a fine line. I get that you were a Victoria's Secret model, and that means that when you walk around in skimpy attire it is fashion and cool ( as opposed to when strippers walk around in skimpy underwear and it is cheap and nasty) but maybe we could go for another look. Girlfriend you are more than your nipples and your perfectly round butt.
And why I am at it, your Kora range is ridiculously over priced and not all that great. But I still think you are beautiful.
Em
xxx
* I am not going to put up here the photos that prompted this but if you would like to have a look click here and boys- you are welcome.
** I wasn't being kind not putting an ugly Miranda shots- I just couldn't find any.
As most of you know I am a runner. I have a love hate relationship with running. More hate than love, but I have an even bigger love for my wardrobe and keeping the size of my butt in check. Which on a side note I thought I was getting back in check until yesterday when my Prac Student told me that I had a big bootie but "don't worry guys like that." But then she also called me "spritely" for my age. (What the actual hell- I am 42 not 62). Anyway some days I have a Forest Gump run. I can run forever and everything feels great. I could go for three years if I had to. Well today was not one of those days.
It started with promise- I woke up and I didn't feel tired, maybe because it was 7am and not 5am. I said hello to the cats, removed the dog from my head (don't ask) put my contacts in, brushed my teeth, put my hair up- all looking good so far. Grabbed my shorts, coordinated it with a pink singlet, put on my sneakies, grabbed my Garmin which I had very cleverly attached my shuffle to so I wouldn't forget it, shoved my tissues in my bra and I was out that door, all by 7:05. I was feeling confident this was going to be the most awesome 12km run, which would be fuelled by my penne d"angelo from Bella Rosa last night. Hell I had even only had 1 wine. And then life took a turn for the worst. I got to the river and looked around and couldn't find my visor. Thats ok I told myself, it's not that sunny. I turned on my shuffle. nothing. I tried again. nothing. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! I charged it, I was prepared. The idea of running for 12km alone with my thoughts was terrifying. I walked back to my car. This just wasn't going to happen. The I slapped myself (mentally not physically because that would be weird- although I have been known to high 5 myself in the privacy of my own car when I have had a particularly good Gump run). I can do this I told myself. So off I go, quietly disturbed by just how much I puff when I run. My keys were rattling in my shorts. I was trying to focus on the river. By the time I hit 5 km which is sort of the point of no return, my shorts started to rub. I pull them up a bit. They started to rub worse. I pulled then down a bit. It sort of sorted the issue. For a little while.
I hit the Elizabeth Quay mess, sorry detour where I had to wait at the lights. There were three other girls there. Now this is where it sunk in that running with headphones has many benefits, not just drowning out your heavy breathing and making you not be alone with your thoughts. You don't have to listen to other peoples bullshit.
Nope- It was definitely sweat
One girl, lets call her alpha runner was talking at her friends about how she trained for her half and not to admire her too much because they could do it as well. She looked at me with a patronising smug smile that said- " so could you dear if you work hard", and I did that closed mouth smile whilst my mind was saying " 3 marathons and an ultra bitch so wipe that smug look off your face". Can you begin to see what happens when I am alone with my thoughts??? A little bit further up the road I was in front of them when she told her friends " lets over take this lady, she is running too slow." SLOW!! I am a spritely 42 Molls- I was running when you were born.
It was my slow run day bitch
My determination to not let them bruise my ego made me run faster, which resulted in my shorts riding up which resulted in my shorts rubbing which resulted in chaffing like I have never had before. I am talking 6 more km to go. This is where my run turned into interval training. Because every 500m I had to stop to pull my shorts down. At one stage they were so low I was lucky that my knickers matched my singlet, because they were so low half my knickers were showing. In my defence though they were Victoria's Secret and they did say Au Revoir. I should have thought to flash those when I was running in front of alpha child. Things were going down fast. I was sweating so much, my singlet was soaked apart from my boobs, so I looked like Regina George when they cut circles out of her t-shirt, my shorts where so low I looked like I had pooed my pants, I had no hat to catch my sweat so It was getting in my eyes, so I was doing this weird squinty thing, and I had to do this weird run so my legs weren't getting stuck on my bloody stupid Gloria Jeans- sorry Lorna Jane- shorts. People were either staring at me, or giving me the " You can do it Love, you are doing so well" patronising look thing.
This is what my singlet looked like.
I had 1km to go. I was about to say stuff it when I remembered the large amount of pasta I had consumed the night before and I was planning on drinking many wines tonight.
I could do this. As soon as my watch hit 12km I stopped. The damage was grim. My singlet was a joke, and my poor inner thigh (only one- how weird is that?) looked like I had been dragged along the road for a day). I went to my car to get my water. No water, although I did find my visor. The moral of the story- 1. Never be alone with you thoughts and 2. There is a reason why real runners don't wear Lorna Jane.
In fact I think everyone has been a little bit quite lately. If I was to describe the feeling I would say flat. Everybody is flat. Flat is not good, unless you are of course talking about stomachs, but their seems to be a general feeling of blah-ness surrounding me. I have a few theories about why I am feeling blah. I thought I would list them, because I like a good list. 1. It has been hot for far too long. It is March. It was 24 degree yesterday morning at 5:30 AM. That is beyond reasonable. Now I am not one to complain much about the heat because I made a deal with my husband that because I hate the cold so much I would forgo my right to whinge about the heat as long as I could go to town on the cold. Enough. I am ready to pull put my winter wardrobe, and thats a sentence I never thought I would utter.
Even if was cool enough to wear this 2. The school term has gone on for far too long. It is Week 8. Couldn't we have Easter or something to split things up a bit? I commented to some fellow staff this afternoon (we called it Peer Mentoring) that if the term goes on for much longer someone is going to get hurt. I suggested maybe a Hunger Games event- we nominate a boy and a girl from each year and they battle it out. The last one standing is the winner and gets to live another day. One way to keep them in line. ( I am of course joking. JOKING. Of course they will go back into battle next term.)
You were warned! 3. I am on a"diet". Sorry lifestyle change. I am hungry and bored, which in turn is making hungry and boring. On the plus side my new white jeans are a little loose. Yeah. 4. I am trying to save money which means I have not been shopping. Not like in since when I got home from Melbourne. That's like 4 weeks. Not even a lipstick. And I want a new lipstick. A bright, happy lipstick.
Like this one Amber Heard is wearing. It's NARS Red Lizard
Or this one by MAC It's called Lady Danger 5. It is dark in the morning when I go running. I hate winter, I hate the dark. Bike riders blind you with their stupid lights, and you don't see the rats running across the path so you have more chance of stepping on them. Seriously. 6. Did I mention the diet hungry thing? Lisa Simpson was onto it when she said "You don't make friends with salad." Because you are eating salad + hungry = grumpy = no friends.
7. I have a pain in my butt. Literally. Well butt cheek. I have to have my seat warmer on in my car to try and stop if from hurting, and sometimes I get really hot. I just realised how obnoxious that sounds but I like to think of it like a heat pack that you don't have to heat up. 8. My mum has been on Vacation. Without me. I see my mum at least once a week. I missed her. 9. Lots of crappy things are happening in the world and that makes me sad. Like Kim and Kayne getting the Vogue cover. And Gwenyth and Chris Martin splitting up. Although I did read that little baby North West peed on Kayne during the photoshoot. That made me laugh. Seriously though the crappy things are crappy. I hope the families of the plane crash victims find some closure.
Watch me take a photo of you taking a photo of you 10. Did I mention the hungry thing?
I was exhausted today. Not just your normal everyday Monday you suck exhausted. But bone tired exhausted. And then I remembered- yesterday we went to Ikea.
I have a love hate relationship with many things in my life- I love shopping, but hate shopping centres, I love the feeling I get from exercise but hate doing it, I love money but hate working... you get the picture. Anyway Ikea is my ultimate love hate. I love going there, but I hate going there because there are just sooo many people. Who dawdle. and have no idea what they are there for. I can trace my Ikea phobia down to two thing- 1. I hate crowds. Hate, hate , hate them. I get bad tempered, and want to swear at people, I want to hit people and I become generally very unpleasant. This is the reason my poor children have never been to The Christmas Pageant. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it) 2. Too many options stress me out. This is the reason I can never go to Subway. There are just far too many decisions and they want you to make them quickly. ( Speaking of Subway when did they stop cutting that little triangle shape out of the Subs??)
I don't know what I want OK???
So needless to say out trips to Ikea are usually timed with military precision. That go something like this 1. Decide what you are going there for. That is the reason they put out that catalogue. So you can plan. On a side note they publish more issues of that than the Bible.
The 2014 Catalogue- Essental I repeat ESSENTIAL
You can even use the app. You have no excuse to wander aimlessly .
2. You go after breakfast, and before lunch, or after lunch. This is because at this time people are going nuts for their cheap meals. You can be sure of two things- bored housewives will be taking their kids out for the daily outing, (hence the after breakfast and lunch- nap times) and those lovely little pensioners will be having their daily outing. But will have to be home for Bold and the Beautiful.
A chicken parmy
All this for $4.95!!!!
3. You do not- I repeat do not go either in the second week of the two week holidays or in the last couple of weeks of the Christmas holidays. The reason for this is simple. By this stage mums will be completely over their children and the children will be completely over being dragged around by mum being forced to look at lights, or mats, or picture frames. Mums will be yelling at kids, kids will be sulking, little kids will be touching everything - or even worse be pushing little bloody carts around and wheeling into you. 4. You familiarise your self with the lay out of the showroom and you head straight for where you are going. Take those short cuts, and get there QUICK. You will have to do some ducking and diving around the professional browsers- but you can do it. 5. Find your item and take a photo of the tag that will tell you WHERE you can find your outing and what the product is called. Lets face it sometimes reading those tags is like reading The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo. All those names sound the bloody same.
They are called dombas because if you go unprepared you are a domb-as.
6. Make you way to the self service. Pick your self up some serviettes and straws on the way, grab one of the flat trolley things, go to the aisle, put stuff on the trolley (ensuring the label is somewhere it can be easily scanned) find a check out (personally I always go for my husbands choice, because if I have one super power it is that I will always pick the slowest moving checkout.)
100 straws for $1.50. There is no need for words.
7. Once you have pick your self up of the floor when you find out how much all those extra serviettes and straws that you have picked up have cost you pay- go to the food shop - buy your meatballs (always a few packets to make spaghetti and meatballs, call your mum to see if she wants some meatballs) get some mustard, move to the food checkout, buy a bag. ( Really? I just spent heaps of money and you want to charge me 40c for a bag) then move to the the food shop and buy your reward for all you hard work- The $1 hotdog. Which lets face it has really cost you $20 if you add in all those sneaky little must haves. I once saw a husband and wife shopping for meatballs in Ikea. His name was Sven. Sven from Sveden, buying meatballs in Ikea. GOLD.
Kottbullar- a bag of these, a jar of Paul Newmans pasta sauce, a bag of pasta and you have a meal.
8. Get in the lift, wait at the bay for your husband and or significant others brings the car to load your fab new purchases. See easy- everyone is happy. Well except for whoever has to build all this flat packs. There is a trick to that. Act useless once or maybe ruin something once (make sure it is a cheap item though) and you will never be expected to assemble anything ever again. So seeing as I appear to have it all sorted what went wrong? I can trace it down to three thing 1. We went at 12:30 on a Sunday. Rookie mistake. Lunch time and Sunday lunchtime at that. 2. We were over confident we thought we knew where we were going. 3. No contingency in place for the fact that they would have re-merchandised after Christmas. (DAMN YOU) We got a parking spot, we were feeling confident, we knew where we were going, we took all the short cuts, We avoided the tables, the chairs, the kitchens, the bathrooms, the kids bit, the office bit, the cushions, the lights, straight down to the market place- straight to the self serve to the....... WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS THE OUTDOOR FURNITURE????? Well not where is what before Christmas. I could feel the panic rising. It was the worst case scenario. We had to go back in. AGAINST THE TIDE. This goes against all my IKEA training. We were going back in.... and we had no idea where we were going. We regrouped- we assumed the outdoor table would be in tables. We took a deep breath. We went in. Dodging and diving. Braving all the dirty looks from the people going the right way. We got to tables. No Outdoor tables. I ask the lady. She says they are near the cashiers. I turn around to tell my husband. HE IS GONE. GONE. I am lost in IKEA. I tell my daughter. She consoles me with " It's OK mum, you still have your phone." We call him, we head BACK to the cashier bit. NO. FREAKIN. OUTDOOR. FURNITURE.. We check the information computer. We find the table. We go to the aisle.The wrong aisle. We ask for help. We get directed to the right aisle. FREAKIN WHITE TABLE. OUT.OF.STOCK. Can this day get worse? Indi and I decide it is time to take action. We look at each other. We nod, and need no words. "We think the table would be better in black anyway."
The source of all our stress.
My husband puts the table and chairs on the trolley, we pick up two chairs for the verandah that I wanted ( he felt guilty because he snapped at me) picked the slowest moving checkout, fainted at how much extra the serviettes and straws cost, got out meatballs and mustard, got out $1 hotdogs (with mustard and sauce), and we were out of there. Exhausted. Physically and mentally.
But they only cost $3.50!!
Best mustard. ever.
On the up side the table looks fab, and the chairs on the verandah look super good. But I really think a stressful day at IKEA should warrant a day off work. And I still don't know where they have got the outdoor furniture on display.
and at least I got my hotdog
all images via the Ikea website except the dombas one. Thats from Pintrest.
So this post has been a long time coming. Ages ago I wrote about the reasons I was glad I wasn't young anymore, and it has been a little harder coming up with reasons I wish I was young. Or maybe I was worried that once I open up that little can of worms my resilience about being 42 would crumble. So here goes- 1. You can go disco dancing and no one will laugh at you. I love disco dancing (yes I know discos don't exist, they didn't exist in my day either, it was a Night Club. You went Night clubbing. Somewhere along the line the night went missing. Probably because those young things are lazy). But I have a few problems. The first being that I learnt to dance in the '80's, and the second being when I dance I look like the old lady on the dance floor with the daggy moves. I get either looks of sympathy or pity on the dance floor.
This is how we danced in the "80's. I blame you Molly Ringwald!!!!
2. You can go out drinking anytime you want to. Weekends, weeknight, during the day. Whenever you damn well please. When you get to my age you have to give it a secret name. Like Book Club.
3. When you are young you still have a metabolism. In The Breakfast Club, Alison says that "When you get old your heart dies." Well Alison let me correct you on that. Your heart doesn't die, your metabolism does. A sudden death. One day it is there, the next day- nothing.
Every single thing you eat you may as well just sticky tape to your thighs, tummy, or back of your arms- (when the bloody hell did that happen??) Cellulite is not a build up of toxins- It is a build up of Ben and Jerry's chic chip cookie dough. Thats why it's lumpy- its the cookie dough. And the choc chips.
Cellulite in a cardboard cylinder
4.You can wear clothes ironically and not look old. Put me in a floral dress and I won't look young and funky in an old style dress. I will look old and daggy in an old style frock. No Leona Edminston for me!!
5. When you are young you can go out boozing and enjoy your hangover the next day, then bounce out of bed later on in the afternoon and start all over again. When you are older you crawl out from under your hangover the next week. And you can't eat the Hungry Jacks needed to soothe the hangover because it will stick to your thighs. See point 3.
6. Young people have energy. My energy has run away with my metabolism. The two of them are off partying somewhere, while I am trying to remember what it is like to not fight the urge to sleep every time you sit down. Young people take Red Bull to give them wings. I have Red Bull to just give me legs.
You think you're tired? I've been tired since 1994
7. You have few responsibilities. If you live at home you can mess up someone else's house, eat all their food and take all their money. And then crack it when they ask you to do the dishes. If you live on your own you can make a mess, complain you have no food or money and your parents will bring it over to you.
8. Getting a University degree is easy. Full time uni? Does that even exist? In my day you were there EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. None of this day off nonsense. Seriously your degrees would take half the time if you actually had to go. And don't start me on that online lecture nonsense.
9. You look good in nearly every photo. You don't have to worry about which angle makes your face look wrinklier, and you can even have a shot taken with a low camera angle without your face falling into the camera. It gives new meaning to the saying " Don't look down". You also totally get how to do selflies. It's like your arms are longer or something.
10. You will look younger for longer because you have grown up with this amazing product called "Sun Cream". This product protects you from the sun. When I was younger we also had a product called sun cream. It was called Reef Oil and it magnified the sun so you could obtain that perfect shade of burn.
Yep- you read that correctly- this product offers no protection against UV rays.
So there you have it. The top ten reasons I wish I was young. Feel free to add your own to my list.
Last night I was writing a post on "What to wear for winter". I got half way through and then I got bored with myself. It was kind of long and I couldn't make it amusing at all. I mean how entertaining can a man style white shirt be? Unless of course it is a man style pirate shirt.
See- thats funny So here it is in 10 easy step
Embellish
Man style white clothes and shoes (think brogues )
New Bohemian (as opposed to Old bohemian because that would be cheap from the Op Shop and new bohemian is expensive from a shop)
Sport Luxe (basically just chuck on your trainers and you are good to go)
Coats in Pink or beige or a Leather Biker Jacket
Tartan ( I won't be doing tartan. I did it when I was 14. I wore double tartan. I shall never recover)
Pop that hair in low pony or make it messy do.
Wing your liquid eyeliner and you CAN do a strong red lip at the same time (or both lips if you chose)
Buy a sweater with a slogan on the front
Wear a three quarter or a nice midi skirt.
Easy done. Now here are 10 looks for winter I don't understand.
Purple hair. This is not fashion. This is what happens when you leave your blonde hair toner on for too long.
Seriously Nicole- the bottle clearly says 5 minutes
2. Bassike low slung pants. I love Bassike basics but the long slung pants are to me a mystery. They make your look like you have pooed your pants. And the leather ones are like hundreds of dollars.
Mmmmmmm- no
3. Over the knee boots. Call me old fashioned but to me they just say "Hooker". Maybe they work if you are young, and have awesome legs.
Nope- still say hooker
4. Midriffs- such a tricky trend. Looks fab if you have a tight tummy and/or have never had kids. I didn't wear a midriffs before I had kids, and I never have had a tight tummy. So thats a no from me.
How to wear a midriff
How not to wear a midriff
5. Quirky accessories- I don't do quirky. Well maybe one or two quirky,
But there is so much quirky going on here it is making my brain hurt.
6. Pointy nails. I think Rihanna is to blame for these but they look to me like Alligator claws. Plus you could do some serious damage with this points.
Check out the colour. This is from O.P.I's Muppets range. Does anyone remember Cutex's Blue Opal?
7. Kitten Ear headbands. They annoy me when kids at school wear them. I want to slap them.
When I see an adult wearing them I want to slap them even more.
There is only one way to wear Kitten Ear headbands
There is no 8, 9 and 10. I think I like everything else. Well except for Faux and real fur. The only place fur looks good is on animals.
God help me- a furry hat with kitten ears.
So what winter trends so you not like?
Disclaimer- All of my opinions are of course subject to change. Because a. I am female and b. A Gemini
