The 7 habits that apparently make you seem dumb.

I came across this article the other day which was telling you what are the 7 things that make you seem dumb to other people. They obviously fancied up the words a bit, and said "less intelligent", but I knew what they were getting at. So here goes if you want to appear smarter this is what you need to STOP doing.

1. Dressing down in important situations.
I think I'm good with this one. Well apart from currently when my pyjamas have been on high rotation, and I have only gone to the shop in them once.... ok maybe twice. Alright three times tops.

2. Slouching
Apparently good posture makes you look smarter- because the more space you take up the more important you look. This is obviously the reason I have chosen to keep on that 10 kg's I have added to my frame. And obviously the reason why men sit with their legs apart.

3. Excessive nodding and head tilts
Apparently men only nod when they agree, women nod more frequently which makes them look like they are agreeing with everything. Well no...I am nodding at everything because I have tapped out of the conversation, have no interest in what you are saying and I've been distracted by something shiny.

4. Misusing words or phrases
I have to agree with this one. My most favourite ever example of this was when I was in a staff meeting once and we were talking about the evils of social media- when myspace and facebook were the sites of choice. A staff member stood up and said " I just wish the kids would get of my face". Still makes me laugh a good 10 years later.

5. Using language softeners
This means don't say " I'm not sure" or " Anyone could have done it." Say it with confidence. So if you think someone is a dick, don't say " I think you are a dick" just say " You are a dick."

6. Being overly judgemental
This also includes not gossiping. What a dumb rule. What fun is life if you can't judge someones outfit and have a good chat?? And anyway isn't the whole article a little judgemental?

7. Using profanities at work
Well I'm fucked.

I have a dirty little secret.......

I have a dirty little secret... I hope you are sitting down. I love country music. Not Taylor Swift country, not Miley Cyrus country ( although who doesn't love The Climb, or Party in the USA for that matter) but the real deal. I'm talking Keith Urban, Luke Combs, Luke Ryan (hang on what sort of country name is Luke??) country.

I have always been partial to a bit of country, in fact when I was little I would walk around the house singing to John Denver, but somewhere a long the line my teenage years kicked in and all I wanted to do was marry John Taylor from Duran Duran. Well to be honest I probably still do.  But since I have been on my extended home stay and I have got sick of listening to the top 40 I decided the other day to click onto the country top 40. Lets just say my life has changed. And not just because my 12 year old keeps yelling at me to " turn that music off".

Country music for the record is the top selling music in the world. And no, not just because the majority of people who listen to it don't have technology so they buy CD's. It's because it's good, and catchy, funny and has such meaningful lyrics. They sing about love, heartbreak, and picking up chicks at hooters all in the same song. They are , sorry Kayne West, lyrical genius's.

Here are some examples from my favourite country tracks of the moment, which are on high rotation in my house, car and my head.

1. " Sometimes you gotta drink about somebody, but that ain't gonna bring 'em back."
 Preach to that Morgan Evans- it may not bring them back, but it sure does make you feel better... until the next day that is.

2." Then I got the last spot in the Hooters parking lot, and the waitress left her number on my check with a heart, she picked up on the first ring when I gave her a call, and now I spent 5 bucks at the Moose Club raffle, won a used four wheeler and three free passes for me and two of my buddies to play a round of golf."
One word for you Luke Combs. WINNING. I don't know what the Moose Club is, but I sure want to go.

3. " People talk about what is and what isn't country..... is it the size of your tires and your fires, or your wild arse buddies?"
Very good question Luke Bryan.

4." First time I tied a plastic worm and felt it on the other end, it was get on the net, get him in the boat, Yeah buddy, I was hooked on it."
Now I have never been hooked on fishing, but this songs damn well makes me want to be.

5. " The moon went hiding, stars quit shining, the rain was dropping, thunder, lightning, you wrecked my whole world when you came and hit me like a hurricane."
Mmmm this may resonate with me because I may or may not have been called Hurricane Emma before. Although I'm sure I've never wrecked anyone's life... although maybe don't ask either of my ex husbands that.

6. " Shake it for the young bucks sittin in the honky- tonks, for the rednecks rockin' till the break of dawn... country girl shake it for me."
I think this is the country version of ' Get Low"- you know  the " from the windows to wall, feel the sweat drip down my ..... " I'm sure you know the rest.

7. " You know I like my chicken fried, and a cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radioooooo up".
Who doesn't Zac Brown Band, who doesn't.

8. " There is no dollar sign on peace of mind."
Amen to that.

So if you need me, this urban girl will be sitting on her verandah listening to police sirens wishing I was sitting on my verandah in Nashville.

The post I never wanted to feel I had to write.

There is something I have been sitting on for the last week, and wasn't really sure about whether or not to deal with it, but I have decided today, that in my new mantra of not hanging onto shit- I'm going to deal with it. It goes against my other mantra of keep things as light as possible because everyone is going through their own shit, but .... here goes.....

Sooooooooo- as most of you know and those who know me well know I have been sick for the last 9 weeks with Ross River Virus. I have also been off work for the last 9 weeks. Signed off by my doctor and my psych. I have never had this much time of work (except for when I was on long service leave)- hence why I had 95 sick days. I am sick. In fact I have never been this sick in my life and I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

My days are spent for the most part in bed, on peoples couches, at the doctors or psych, or on my veranda with my dogs and cats smoking like a chimney.  Except for a few hours a day when I get out of bed to go on what I call my "excursions" which I am doing under the advice of both my psych and my doctor. My excursions may be going to the shops, going out for lunch/dinner/drinks and every day I go to the pool for a swim (once again because my doctor told me I have too).

The problem has arisen because it has got back to me because I have posted things on social media people are ( behind my back) questioning how sick I really am- because I am making it look that way. I'm not going to lie- that 1 second snapshot of my life right now does look great. Because I am making it look that way. I do look good right now. I am sporting a fab tan, I have lost a bit of weight and when I know people are looking I always make sure I am smiling and looking happy.

What I am not posting is me in my pyjamas all day ( and yep I even went to the shop in them), lying in my bed which I don't even bother making anymore because I am back in it at least every 45 minutes, my house which is filthy and has washing that has not been folded for 3 weeks because I don't have the energy to do it. 

I don't post photos of my self wearing the same clothes I have worn all week because deciding what to put on is too hard, I do not post the photos of me before I have built up the courage to leave the house, or when I leave where I have been because my anxiety is so bad. I don't show that I can not sit still when I am out for longer than 15 minutes, I do not show my chain smoking in an attempt to control and calm my mind. I am not showing photos of me trying my hardest to sleep because I am exhausted, but sleep is eluding me so I am awake until 1am and the up at 4. I do not show the amount of pain killers I am on to make it through the day.

What I am showing you is the me that I once was, and the me that I am hoping to be again once I get through this. The social media posts are because I have been advised by my psych that that is who I am, and in order to get me back, I have to start acting like me again.

I haven't posted misery shots, or misery posts because I think, quite frankly it's boring. I don't think anyone really wants to know, because trust me it's not that exciting. But I am disappointed that people who I am "friends" with are questioning me and my health.. In the words of my psych " I shouldn't have to offer anyone an explanation", and I don't. 

I guess this is a thank you to the amazing people who have been by my side, and have seen me through the down, sat with me as I have cried or stared into space and look at my facebook and instagram and say " thank God we got her out of the house and out of those bloody pyjama's- and she even slapped on a bit of makeup".

And to the people that are questioning how sick I am..... well you can go fuck yourself, and please feel free to unfollow me, because you are no longer welcome to be part of my life. 

To the people in my previous life..... I'm really sorry..

Do you ever wonder what you were in a past life?? I have spent a bit of time thinking about that in the last few weeks, because I think I have come up with the answer. In my last life I was a Princess, but a really, really mean one- who pissed off all the people who worked for me. And I am paying for it in this life. 

This is how I imagine I looked in my past life as the evil Princess.

Although in reality I'm sure I looked more like this..... no wonder my cook hated me.

Why do I think this way? Well not just because I can be a bit of a Princess in this life ( yes I said it so no one else has too)- but my reasons are because even though I am attempting to look on the bright side of life, life seems to have other ideas. Here is a list of my reasons (and all these things have happened in the last 3 weeks)

• My microwave blew up. So obviously I pissed off my former cook. Now in reality it is actually because as my daughter is the Princess of slime, and all my bowls have been used to make the bloody stuff, so it appears slime made with glitter and microwaves don't mix. Who knew!
• My oven door broke. Cooks revenge again. Incidentally this can also be linked to the princess of slime who decided to stop making slime and make shrinky dinks in the oven. She thought best to do something (she still won't admit what) to the door.
• My iphone was subject to the great data glitch of 2017 and fucked up, meaning it shut down every 30 seconds. I spend three hours on the phone to Apple. They told me it couldn't be fixed. I went and bought a new one. They called me back two hours later telling me they had released a new software update and it could be fixed. Of course they fucking did. This was obviously one of my servants I was mean to when I asked them to send letters by raven like they do in Game of Thrones.
• My fridge died. The cook again obviously.
• This morning my car had a flat battery. Man I must have been a bitch to my chauffeur.
• This brings me to what a mole I must have been to my poor maid, because her revenge has come in the shape of my two children who live at home and have no idea how to clean up after themselves. Their most favourite game at the moment is to eat every last thing out of the box, but leave the box in the cupboard or fridge so when I go to get something it is empty. Such a cool game.
• My poor pets where another of my past life victims, because even though I take them outside 50 million times a day they much prefer to shit on the rug inside, and then when they are outside they choose to terrorise the neighbourhood by running and barking after everyone who walks past. Now as the majority of my time is spent in my pyjama's- I spend a lot of time running down the street in my pyjamas. The neighbours have got wise though and cross the street. To be honest not sure if they are avoiding the dogs or me in my pyjamas.

                                           

So to all those I have wronged in my former life.... I am really, really sorry and I have seen the errors of my ways. I promise if I am ever reincarnated as a Princess again I will be really, really nice to everyone. Like Princess Diana but without the touch of crazy. So can we all calm down now and just play nice?

Find Your Tribe.

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast. Yes- a podcast. I'm new to the whole world of podcasts, but as the majority of my life for the last 8 weeks has been spent trapped in my house (apart from my daily doctor ordered excursions) I'm
mixing up Netflix and Stan with a few other riveting moments- hence the podcasts. Although being me I do tend to get distracted and have to replay them a bit.


The podcast was from Russell Brands "Under His Skin" and he was talking to Ruby Wax about Mindfulness and Mental Health. I really like Russell Brand and even though a friend and I disagree on whether he is now happy with his new life as a no longer drug addict and a husband and dad (he it totally not bored and is not missing his rock and roll lifestyle at all... is he??) I think he is one clever guy. Mental Health or mental wellness as my mate Russell likes to call it is something that interests me a lot. So I found this really interesting.

But the part that interested me the most was towards the end of the podcast where Ruby Wax started talking about a club she had started called "The Frazzle Cafe ". The idea is the club is where a group of people get together and talk. The reason behind this is because although we are more connected with others than ever before, the majority of people actually have no one to really talk to. We no longer have a tribe and we are actually really isolated. Ruby believes that we are not really connected to each other anymore and we spend the majority of time talking about superficial stuff we don't really care about and never have the chance to actually "talk". She says that we actually are quite alone, even though we are always surrounded by people.

This got me thinking because I actually do have a tribe. My tribe is called The Garden Club. Named the Garden Club because one day we all got together and did my garden one day ( not because we meet in the Beer Garden at The Balmoral although that is a valid point). My tribe has 5 permanent members and we get together at least every week and we talk. Sometimes we talk about life, we talk about our weeks, we laugh ( a lot), we cry ( we have all had a crying Friday) and we also consume quite a bit of wine. But most importantly we are there for each other. We are there to pick each other up when someone hits hard times, we are there to help each other out when we need it. We talk about our kids, offer each other advice, but most importantly we listen. We all know that each other is only a phone call away and if one of us needs each other we are there. We are honest with each other and speak the truth ( I tend to get " make good choices" and " you are not everyone's source of entertainment" a lot) We don't judge, we care. We also talk a lot of shit as well. We offer each other parenting advice, and will step in with each others kids when things get too much. 

The other thing about the Garden Club is that we have what we like to call "honorary members". They join us occasionally for our meetings and the members of the club always welcome them with open arms, although they are required to buy a bottle of Baileys and Baileys. Once someone has attended a meeting it is like they have become part of the tribe. They always seem to have something to offer, something to share, something to talk about or something to have a laugh about. Occasionally a husband or partner is brave enough to attend ( after our initial 2 hours of "Garden Club" time) and they are quite often called upon to give a male perspective (whether or not we choose to listen is another issue).

I feel so lucky that I have my tribe and if I'm honest not sure how I would have got through the last 12 months without them. They are more than my best friends, they are my people, my voices of reason. 

I love them all more than I could ever put into words. 

Week 7 Ross Update

                                   


And yes he is still being a c*&t.

So where am I at with this horrible fucking awful virus..... well I am still not back at work, I am still unbelievably tired, still have constant pins and needles in my arms as Ross moves around my body, still in pain although rather than it being an unbearable pain it is more now a dull ache, mostly in my neck and arms. I still have revolting headaches and about every hour I get a fever (even though those closest to me keep telling me it is menopause). I can see where they are coming from because I get so hot, I start sweating and I start taking my clothes off. And then start yelling at everyone that it is not fucking menopause.

Unfortunately for me I have also been hit hard by the other symptom which is depression. And man has it hit me hard. Those of you who either know me, or read my blog often know that depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with all my life- so the depression element of Ross is something that I was probably always bound to get- but being the expert I am at managing my depression as a "highly functioning" depressed person I didn't imagine it would be this awful.

The key to the management of my anxiety and depression is that I keep really, really busy. I rely on exercise and never sitting still to keep it at bay. Having Ross means these are the things I can no longer do. I am also sick of being sick and feeling like crap and this means that I have also been forced to stop and deal with what has been a shit couple of years of my life. And I have fallen apart. Like really fallen apart. And it hasn't been pretty.

But from falling apart means that I have no other option than to put myself back together. So this is what I'm doing..

1. I'm making myself exercise. For me this is swimming, and it works a treat. Diving into that pool not only makes my body feel better but it also makes my head feel better.

2. I am making myself go out everyday- even though I don't feel like it at all. On the weekend I had a major meltdown out of nowhere, cried (yes- still all I do is cry) and had to have a shot of tequila to get me out of my friend's house. Well it might have been two.


3. I am telling people. I hate talking about my depression because I think it is a bit boring- but I also think it is important to let people know that it is ok to talk about it.

4. I am learning that it is ok to tell people that you are not ok. And that you don't have to be superwoman all the time.

5. I am leaning on my friends and taking up offers of help. And amazing my friends and family have been. 

6. I am reminding myself that this is only temporary, it could be worse and I am going to get better.


I said to my friends the other day that one day I will one day look back at this stage of my life and realise that it was a blessing. It has made me stop, process some unresolved issues I have from the last few years, and realise that I can't keep running away and ignoring them. I always have a theory that your body gives you signals when it is time to slow down, and if you ignore them it will stop you. I believe that this is what my body has done. 

But I also believe that the time has come where I need to start pulling myself together. It is going to be a long, hard journey and I am slowly learning to be kind and gentle to myself. I know it is going to be a long time before I am myself again but I look forward to breaking up with Ross and kicking his c*^ty arse to the curb. And as with any bad relationship learning from the lessons it has taught me.

So please put your mozzie spray on- I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 
                         

Love is love.

Yesterday I woke up to the news that Australia had voted in favour of same sex marriage. It was the result I had hope for, but was worried that may not happen. I only hope from now the Government does as promised and pushes the changes through quickly so people can be free to marry who ever they want.

As someone who has been married twice and to be honest probably doesn't believe in marriage or a happy ever after anymore- this issue to me is not about marriage, it's not about a ceremony, it's not about a commitment. It is about finally sending the message that as human beings you are finally able to love who you love without feeling like you are not equal.

As a teacher I see first hand teenagers who struggle with their sexuality. The fact that in 2017 teenagers can still be in this position is sad. The fall out is huge.They quite often suffer from mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, and self harm. This comes from the feeling that their feelings are in someway wrong or bad, or that there is something wrong with them. And the worst possible feeling of all for a teenager is that they are not normal.

The vote on same sex marriage hopefully sends the message to all teenagers that there is nothing wrong or bad about being attracted to someone of the same sex. There is something wrong or bad about you if you are mean, you lie, you cheat, or if you treat people badly. This is when you are a bad person. Loving someone, no matter what sex they are does not make you bad or not normal. 

In my 18 years of being a teacher I have seen too many young lives tormented over sexuality. I hope that the decision made yesterday by the majority of Australian's send the message to everybody that who we personally choose to love and be attracted to is entirely our own business, and everyone is entitled to the same rights.

Love is love- it is something that has never made sense,  and if you are lucky enough to find it you should grab and hold it tight no matter what gender it is. 

Yesterday finally love won.

Slime- the epidemic facing out children today.

For those of you who don't have kids aged between 6 and 13 you might not be aware that there is an epidemic that is currently infecting our children and the house holds they live in. I think it will eventually go down as one of the great epidemics of our time. It is called Slime. Or as I like to call it the " why is there fucking slime all over my house"epidemic.

So let me tell you a bit about the slime epidemic. I don't know where it came from but I think it has something to do with bloody youtube. It has also mutated into many different forms- plain, fluffy, glitter.... which makes it so dangerous.

So these are the symptoms you need to be aware of.

1.Your child will start watching the videos and before you know it you are being asked to go to the shop to buy borax and PVA glue. Actually let me rephrase that- you can try and buy PVA glue because every shop in Australia is out of PVA glue.

2. All your Tupperware containers/ bowls and spoons start going missing. You find them in random places throughout the house. But never in the sink, or cleaned and back in the drawer.

3. Little lumps of slime start appearing everywhere. On the floor, on cupboards, next to the bed, on the ceiling.

Now if you are lucky the disease will stop here. If you are not - the infection intensifies to the next stage.....

4. You start finding glitter everywhere. Even though you could have sworn you had no glitter in the house.

5. You will go to get your moisturiser/ fake tan/ carpet cleaner/ shaving foam/ and find it is not there.  That is because the epidemic has morphed into the more serious  advanced form of slime.

6. Your perfume will start to go missing. Your whole house will start smelling like your Chanel Coco Mademoiselle . This is where you start losing your shit and ask why they can't use their crappy One Direction perfume.

7. You will begin to notice that every plate/ bowl/ container you have ever owned has dried slime residue in it. A little bit embarrassing when you have people who don't have kids over. Those that do just give you that silent nod of understanding.

8. You will find yourself yelling " you are not bringing you slime to school/ dinner/ the shops" because apparently the slime needs to go everywhere with the infected child.

9. As the plague gets even more intense you will begin to find food colouring everywhere. And then as the infected child gets more creative they think that your make up will provide a good "pigment" (although she did get bonus points for using that word) to make great new shades.  And it's not just food colouring and makeup- you will also find that pens and textas will be cut open to get the colour out. Try getting that one out of your kitchen benches.

10. The final stage is acceptance. You end up giving them a cupboard, you buy throw away containers because resistance is futile. You begin to learn to live with it and wish like hell that one day is goes away.

In my house we have lived with the Slime epidemic for at least 6 months and it shows no sign of diminishing. I wish you luck for a speedy recovery. Or maybe someone bring back the fidget spinner. 

Time for a Ross River Update.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT ROSS.

So here I am 4 weeks later and I'm still in bed with Ross. I know  before I said he was an arse but now he is officially a fucking arse.  To be completely honest I refer to him as a c*&t and no one likes that word so I must be serious. I have never had anything like this before in my life and I have had glandular fever, chronic fatigue, a pulmonary embolism, given birth to 3 children (one with no drugs) and run 27km on a fractured leg. Old Ross has completely thrown me.

So 4 weeks on let me describe what having Ross is like- it is like you have been on a drunken bender every single night and wake up in the morning with the worst hangover in the world with no memory of how you hurt your arm/leg/ neck/ wrist/shoulder. You have a headache, nausea and wonder what bee's nest you stood on because your hands and feet won't stop itching.

I am currently on 6 panadeine forte a day as well as a 1000mg anti inflammatory. I can get out of bed and do something but then have to crawl back into bed because I am stuffed. I have been advised by my doctor that I have to get out of the house and do something everyday because your mental health can be at risk because of the pain and fatigue. Lucky for me I have an amazing bunch of people around me who are taking me out and plonking me in a chair so I feel like I am not missing out on anything.

From where I am lying (literally) I am wondering when this is ever going to get any better. I have got the most amazing Doctor who I have seen more in the last 4 weeks than I have seen in the last 4 years. She has signed me off work for another 2 weeks and has warned me that the chances of me going back to work full time this year as slim to none. Being the totally together person I am I got back in my car after said visit and cried all the way home. Which for me is another side effect of Ross. He makes me cry- like all the freakin time. My poor friends have actually learnt to ignore the crying and just keep talking.

I am missing being around people so much and I can't believe I am saying this but I am missing work, my work buddies and even the teenagers.

But for every negative there is positives- so here they are...

1. I have caught up on Netflix
2. I have caught up on Stan
3. I have bonded with my dogs 
4. I have bonded with my cats
5. I have not had to spend any money on petrol
6. I know what everyone is doing because I have spent so much time on the facebook
7. I know what everyone in the neighbourhood is doing because if I am not in bed I am on my verandah.
8. My hair is in good condition because it is not being straightened every day.
9. I am saving money on makeup because I am not using any.
10.  Um.. nope there is no 10.

So the moral of the story is........ don't sit outside your villa in Bali in the middle of the night because you are worried you will not wake up in time to get to the airport in the morning without a mosquito patch on. 

Ok I have just re read this and realise how miserable I sound. I'm not miserable all the time - I'm just really bad at being sick. And If I'm going to feel hungover I want to big night before to go with it. 

There is a new man in my life. His name is Ross River and he is an arse.

So... I came home from my latest trip to Bali with a lot of things. A tan, two bottles of vodka, some contraband cigarettes and Ross River Virus. The first three things on the list are awesome (and nearly gone) unfortunately Ross ( and my virus is know being called) is neither awesome, nor nearly gone. Ross is a bastard. A mean, painful bastard.

Before it all went to shit.

For those of you who haven't heard of Ross before let me sum it up for you- it is a virus spread by mosquitoes and it common to tropical areas of Australia and the other state of Australia Bali.

I am very mossie safe in Bali because my mum had Ross 40 years ago. I always wear spray, and mossie patches- but this time a little fucker got me. In fact it was just one little fucker because I only have one tiny little mossie bite on my hand. 

So I got home from Bali on the Thursday and by Thursday night I was really, really itchy. I had a bit of a runny nose and felt a tiny bit fluey but put it down to that fact that I had partied like a rock star in Bali. On Friday night I was sitting at the pub enjoying a Bailey and Bailey's with the squad when all of a sudden I couldn't move my arm. We all had a good laugh, I had a few more wines to dull the pain and went home to bed. When I woke up I still couldn't move my arm, and my left leg wasn't working properly. I thought I had just slept on it wrong- so I cleaned my house for a home open- cooked dinner for my friends who were coming over- had a few more wines but by the end of Saturday night I couldn't use my right wrist. Sunday morning it was my left wrist and by then I knew something wasn't quite right. 

I took myself off to the Doctor- she said I was a weird mystery (not the first time I've been told that) told me to get some blood tests and take some pain killers. Fast forward to Tuesday- I'm sitting at my friends house crying. By this stage the pain had moved to my neck, shoulders, left arm and jaw. She takes me back to the Doctor who said all my bloods had come back clean except for Ross. She gave me really good pain killers and on Thursday I had the final results that I had in fact brought Ross home.  To be honest I was kind of glad because I had been slowly convincing myself that the weird mystery virus was going into my brain and I was going to die.

So the talents of Ross is that is moves throughout your body- and you can feel him moving because you get pins and needles and I am itchy. It hits one joint hard and then the next day will travel to a new one leaving the former joint as a dull ache whereas the new ache is unbearable. You are also tired. So freakin tired. In fact I have slept for 20 out of the last 24 hours. You have no energy and doing the littlest thing ( like making a coffee) will require you to go back to bed for a rest. And everything hurts. My arms are hurting even as I type this. I also can't focus on anything- which some might say isn't an entirely new thing- let me rephrase it- I have more trouble than normal focusing.

The other thing about Ross is that no one can actually tell me when he will dump me. He will hang around anywhere from 3 weeks to 12 months. 

So what I have Ross and I been doing? We have been spending a lot of time in bed, we have gone on a few excursions which have entailed me sitting down. We have gone to the chemist to get more drugs, and paid a visit to the Doctor. We are powering through Homeland on Netflix, and we get up every now and then to make toast. We lead a simple life me and Ross.

So if anyone needs me Ross and I will be in bed with Netflix and the cats and dogs.  

This post will change your life.

Now saying something will change your life is not a phrase I use lightly- but believe me this will.

I have one word for you. Heels. Who doesn't love wearing heels? Actually let me rephrase that- who wishes that you could love wearing heels without the pain in the ball of your foot? Well I hope you are sitting down. I think I have found the solution.

So because my life is so exciting, I spend most of it surfing the net collecting useless bits of information (which has helped me become very good at quiz nights), and I came across this little snippet of information. Let this picture explain.

This is a photo of my very attractive feet. You will notice (along with my very chipped nail polish) that two of my toes on each foot are strapped together. This is because I read that if you strapped them together this somehow manages to 'disengage"the tendon that is either on or runs ( I don't remember technical stuff) under the ball of your foot, which is the bit that hurts and burns when you wear heels.

So I decided today to test it. I wore my favourite boots to work which also have a heel that makes the pain in my foot unbearable at the end of the day. These are the type of shoes you either wear when you know you are going to be sitting down and only have to walk to the car and back( I like to call them dinner shoes) or you are getting hammered and that will dull the pain.

I chose today because I knew I had to walk around school a bit and I also have duty at lunch time. Duty is teacher talk for when you get to watch teenagers in their natural habitat and spend time telling them to stop swearing/ touching each other and to pick up their rubbish. Some times it can also involve breaking up fights- but that's a story for another day.

Well let me tell you....... IT WORKED!!!! At 3:45 when I walked to my car, I was actually walking. Not hobbling, not staggering, not limping. I was walking as if I was wearing flats. And I had put them on at 7:45 in the morning. Thats like a really long time.

Now I don't know what kind of voodoo magic this is- but it is magic.

Life changing.

You are welcome.

I exercised again....

                                       


I have one word for you. Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch.  My body is not sore, my body is whatever the word is that is more sore than sore. And I blame one person. My friend who I shall call Nicole. Because that is her name and she deserves to be named and blamed.

Nic and I have been exercising for a long time- like 8 years- in that time we have done everything, running, boxing, walking, swimming, spin classed, yoga, procastinating. You name it we have done it. Since the great leg incident of 2015 our exercise has hit a lull. A big lull actually. We talk about it a lot- we just don't tend to follow through much. We give ourselves a big talking too every Sunday night... because you always start on a Monday. And then there is always next week.

I like solitude exercising- like running, Nic like more structured things. On a weak moment (that is after a bottle of wine) she convinced me that we needed to try F45. Because I was weak I agreed, signed up and got pretend excited.

The morning of our first class arrived and I was annoyed at the start because it was holidays and it was early and there is something so wrong about being awake before 7 when you are on holidays, but I was standing out the front waiting for Nic to arrive. I wasn't smiling. I had my fake smile on. We arrived. I let her do the talking when we got there. The room was full of all those cross fit looking things that I always make fun of. All the circuits had weird names. I already knew I wasn't going to like it. I could see the look on my face- even though there were no mirrors.

The talked us through the circuit we would be doing. Lots of little stations- each circuit for less than a minute with a little break. It would be over in 45 minutes. And then I could go home and back to bed where I belong and ready to make lots of excuses as to why I would not go back.

                                          

We started.... and then before I knew it- it was over. And ....... I loved, loved, loved it. It was fast, it was hard, it was challenging but it was fun. And made me remember why I love exercising so much. Don't get me wrong- I whinged and moaned and complained my way through the class, and didn't let on to my friend or the instuctor people that I loved it.

I think I could have found my new favourite thing! I just have to work out what I can get out of my life to find the money to join up. How much do you get for a kidney these days? Asking for a friend.

How to winter your wardrobe on a budget.

                                                    

I'm on a budget. Now there are two very big issues with this, mainly being I suck at being on a budget and it's the change of seasons and I really need to do some work on my winter wardrobe.

So seeing as buying a whole heap of new stuff is out- I have had to do a stocktake on my wardrobe and work out how I am going to make it through winter with very few new purchases.

                                   

1. I looked at the websites from my favourite shops to get the key looks for the season and looks I liked. I then had a search through my selection of clothes to see what I had already. 

2.I also went to Pinterest once I knew what I had to search for outfit ideas.

3.I looked at my summer clothes to see what could be layered with leggings, a singlet top underneath, a jacket, scarf (all the extra bits and pieces.

                                              

4.I made a list of what I actually needed. For me this was a new long line cardi (I picked one with a hood), a replacement pair of black boots and a pair of flats.

5.I am keeping an eye on sales that come through my email. Because I am on mailing lists of my fav shops I get emails about special sale days. These are the days I will pounce on the items I want.

6.I am staying away from the shops. If I go, I will buy.

7.I am going to cheaper chainstores like Target and Kmart to see what I can pick up. But be warned- there stuff is not always that much cheaper than some more expensive shops if you look out for sale days.

8.Some things you can go cheap on- like leggings and singlets to go under clothes. 

                                               

9.Embrace the sporty lux look. You can get away with wearing your good gym leggings if you dress them up right. For example a pair of long gym pants matched with a oversized white tshirt, scarf, leather or denim jacket and a cute pair of sneakers ( i got a cutie silver pair for $8 at Target) instant outfit!

10.By changing you accessories you can get away with the same base layers. This means scarves, jackets, cardigans, oversized shirts are you friends.

                                                        

This budget business isn't going to be easy... but we can get through this!

When life gives you lemons...

Last week I was having a chat to a friend at work and we both said that we "needed to get a life" and I said " but we do have a life- it's not the life we thought we would have, but it's the one we've got so we had better start loving it."

I know some people get their epiphanies when they are on the top of a mountain, or sitting on a beach during some retreat but I got mine when I was sitting in bed, hung over eating a bowl of pasta watching the Housewives of New York. Sitting in my bed, on my own, feeling shit, eating carbs on a Saturday night is my life. And I am ok with that.

I know right?? Me- the hopeless romantic who believes in love and happy ever after may have just realised that I am living my happy ever after. It may not be the happy ever after I thought I would have when I was 10 and watching Prince Charles marry Princess Diana (well they didn't get it either so maybe not the best example), but its the one I've got.

Being single is actually ok. Some parts of it totally suck- like the bits where you have to put the rubbish out yourself and there is no one to get you a coffee on a Sunday morning but some bits are totally awesome. For example

• you can put your pyjamas on and go to bed at 4:30 (pm)
• you can go out at night and go to bed at 4:30 (am)
• you don't have to make dinner if you don't feel like it
• you have total control of the television/ netflix viewing
• no one talks through the said viewing
• you can do what you want when you want
• you can nap all day without feeling guilty
• you can get through a whole day without talking if you don't feel like it
• you don't have to tiptoe around someone who is being moody
• you can be super messy and not make your bed for a whole week if you don't want to
• you have all the cupboards in the bathroom and all the wardrobe all to your self
• you can eat dinner, in fact every single meal, in bed.

So while this is not where I thought I would be at nearly 46- that is the only things I share my bed with is two dogs and two cats, my life is actually ok.

My pre run self talk

I have a love hate relationship with exercise. Even though I would probably be counted as a regular exerciser (3-5 times a week) it is still something that I find really hard to do. I hate to do it, but love how I feel after.

People who don't exercise ask me all the time how do I get the motivation to do it- especially as I get up at 5 most mornings to get it out of the way. Well this is how this most morning's conversations between my self pan out when the alarm goes off.

(Alarm goes off)
Me- Get up

Me- I don't want to get up
.
Me- Get up

Me- but my beds so comfy and I'm tired.

Me- You'll feel better when you are done.

Me- Don't care. Want to stay in bed.

Me- GET UP!

Me- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I'll do it this afternoon.

Me- No you won't. You have to take Indi to choir this afternoon.

Me- I'll leave work on time and get a quick run in before we have to leave home.

Me- No you won't - you will be tired after work and you won't go.

Me- Yeah ok- you are right. I'll get up in a minute.

Me- It's been a minute.

Me- I don't want too

Me- You are complaining about getting fat but you won't exercise...

Me- I won't eat anything bad today.

Me - Yes you will.

Me- Well I didn't eat anything that bad yesterday...

Me- You ate a cupcake before you went to sleep.

Me- It was only a little one...

Me- And a piece of toast with pate

Me- Whatever.

Me- Fatty

Me- It's too dark

Me- There are street lights, and the sun will be up soon.

Me- It's cold.

Me- Put a jumper on and anyway you will be hot in 5 minutes

Me- The dogs will get sad if I get up. And the cats.

Me- They will forgive you when you feed them.

Me- But I'm tired

Me- Are you planning on drinking this weekend??Me- Ok I'm up.


(During the run.)

Me - This is shit

Me- Shut up and keep running

(After the Run)

Me- I FEEL AMAZING!!!

Me- You are pathetic.