It's not a diet....it's like rehab for my body.

Seeing as I haven't managed to be scouted as a successful plus size middle aged model ( of which I am sure there is a market )- or as I'm not preparing for a film role (because I am a teacher and not an actress) I have decided it is time to get into action and lose the extra weight I have put on since the "Great New York Marathon Fiasco of 2015".

As a little bit of history- I have always struggled with my weight, but my love of running meant that I could keep it in check. I gained an extra 5 kg's before the marathon, which I was cool with (because I know as you get older you need to decide between an ok face or a fat arse) and I could still fit into a 12 but my on going leg issues means that that 5 has now had an extra 10kg added. (oops). Now I am no longer a comfy 12- more a comfy 14. To be honest it wasn't bothering me too much until the last 2 months which means it is time to act. 

So I have decided to do it the smart way and went to a Doctor who specialises in weight management - (and also cosmetic procedures which just happens to be a huge bonus) . The visit was daunting because it meant that for the first time in 12 months I was going to have to hop on the scales. And lets just say the result was not pretty. I have also resigned myself to the fact that no matter what magazines tell you- if you are trying to maintain your weight- you need to weigh yourself daily if not weekly. I know that the scales make you cry but it is much easier to lose a sneaky 1kg than 15kg.

The doctor was awesome and very non judgemental even when she found out how much I was drinking..... who knew a bottle of wine in one sitting was too much? (Although I did choose to exclude the fact that the wine is often followed by a few vodka chasers). She presented me with lots of options from diet and exercise to "procedures". 

I decided to embark on a VLCD ( thats Very Low Calorie Diet) for 2 weeks and then I go back for a weigh in and take it from there. And lets just say it has not been pretty.

I did ask if I could have some duromine to go with my VLCD and she said " Oh no because by Day 3 your body will be in starvation mode so your hunger will switch off." This may account for how extremely hangry  (thats hungry- angry) I was on Wednesday. 

So for the next two weeks my diet looks like this.

1. 800 calories a day. (WTF)
2. Three optifast products (shakes or bars), 
3. At least 2 litres of water ( I normally drink this much, but add the no friggin food into the mix and don't let me go too far from the toilet)
4. At least 2 cups of "non starchy" vegetable a day. ( that means all the good vegies like peas and corn, potato, sweet potato, avocado are off the list. Of course they are).
5. No... I repeat NO alcohol.

I'm not going to lie... the first 3 days were really hard. Like really hard. But it is getting a bit easier. I am now up to day 5- woo hoo. I have had to make some changes though, like I can't go out for a boozy night of dancing. I would like to say I'm one of those people that doesn't need booze to have a good night out, but who am I trying to kid.

I am trying to think of this as going to rehab. Both for my body and for my liver. And as a disclaimer I don't care what anyone else weighs, and I think you should be comfortable in your own skin. I am just not right now, and as I am also pre diabetic and with the stress fracture still giving me issues I feel that I do need to get my weigh in check and sort out my drinking and eating habits.

I will keep you posted, and of course if you would like any support on your own body rehab- let me know.

Why it is good to be a cat.

So the other day I wrote a blog about why dogs are better than humans. Well as you can imagine my cats are really mad with me, because as every cat person knows- cats are better than everyone. So rather than " why cats are better than humans' I thought I would get Will, my cat to write
"10 reason why being a cat is the best"-so Will- it's over to you.

1. It is your job to sleep.
That is all you are expected to do. Sleep. Anywhere, anytime, no matter how weird the spot might seem. In fact the more inconvenient the spot- the better.

2. It is ok to be fat.
No one like a skinny cat (well only the stupid vet), the fatter you are the cuter you get.

3. Humans are always trying to be nice to you.
Humans will do anything to get you to come and let them pat and cuddle you. You can play hard to get. In fact the harder to get you play, the more people try. All I have to do is show my face and bamn- it's cuddle time. And if I don't feel like it I can take any more- you just get those claws out.

4. You can blank people.
If you don't like someone you don't even have to pretend. People expect you to be arrogant. You are just being a cat.

5. You don't have to exercise.
No being forced to walk like they make the dogs do. See point 1- your job is to sleep.

6. When you decide to be nice you get whatever you want.
Hungry- meow and rub up against your humans legs. Want a cuddle- just jump into your humans lap. They are never going to say no.

7. You can do gross things.
Like bring your human a cockroach. They love that shit. 

8. You can be fussy.
Don't accept just any food. Turn your nose up at anything you don't fancy. Sniff it, and walk away. They will panic because they want you to be fat.

9. Go an make friends with the neighbours.
This will make you human jealous. This will make then try even harder.

10. You can blame anything bad you do on the dog.

Yep- do something naughty, get the dumb dog to come and have a look and then run away. Or jump up somewhere high that the dog can't reach. The look down with a disapproving look when you human discovers the bad thing. Dogs are so dumb they won't catch on.

Why dogs are better than humans.

The babies asleep on my pillow.

I'm lying in bed. It is a Sunday afternoon. I only got up to eat breakfast. Some of you might call it a lazy day- but I feel it is my duty as a working human to spend time with my babies.  One is next to my head, the other is next to my feet. They are snoozing. It is only fair that I am with them.

I never really liked dogs. In fact people who had dogs really annoyed me. And then I got my 2 dogs and I am officially the biggest dog lover. I send dog videos, I stop and talk to all the dogs in the street, in fact I don't think I have met a dog I don't love. I wish I had a "bring your dog to work day" so my babies could come with me. 

Not convinced?? Here is my list of " Why dogs are better than people"

1. They are always super happy to see you.
You walking through that door and it is like you have been missed like never before. Even if you only left 30 seconds ago and had to come back because you forgot your phone. My white fluffy dog even brings me a present. It is usually a shoe and oddly always the right one. I do wish she would mix it up. I have many odd shoes lying around.

2. They don't care what you feed them for dinner.
As long as it is food- they are good. No whinging from them that they had the same thing last night.

3. You can teach them stuff.
I have taught my dogs how to high 5. If only I could teach my students that easily. Maybe I need to bribe them with carob treats as well.

4. The look interested when you tell them stories.
No matter how boring - they will look at you intently and even turn their heads to the side when you tell them a story. And they never offer dumb advice.

5. They never complain about what you are watching on tv.
As long as they are next to you- it's all good. Well except for Charlie. You can't watch animal shows with her. She jumps up on the tv to try and eat them I'm sure she is just protecting me from getting trampled by elephants.

6. They never say they are bored/tired/hungry/or want something.
They just want you in fact I think being bored with you if their favourite thing.

7. They always love a cuddle.
My dogs love cuddles so much that the sleep on the bed with me. One sleeps on my head. In fact she is doing it right now. ( don't judge- I would have said it was gross as well until I got a dog).

8. They protect you.
My dogs, even though they are small are my protectors. They have a sense of who I don't like. As the lady who lives next door found out. 

9. They always think you are right.
Yep- you never get an angry word, or an argument out of these babies.

10. They love you unconditionally.
As far as my dogs are concerned I am the best person in the world. And I love them right back.

Who could not love this little pumpkin?

Where to find this uncool kids.

Uncool?? Me?

It's official. I'm not a cool kid. How do I know this? Because Who Magazine published an article on Perth (the city in Western Australia where I live for my non- Australian readers) and I didn't know or have been to one single restaurant that they recommended. Not one. So here is mine. I think I will call it

" Where you will find the UNCOOL kids."

Breakfast.
Just a disclaimer here I hate going out for breakfast. Give me the choice between going out for breakfast and sleeping in and staying in my pyjamas all day. I'm going for a sleep in every time.
Sparrows Nest
Call me biased and a little bit lazy but this little cafe in Vic Park is close to where I live and make a super yummy breakfast. I can never go past the Eggs Benedict myself. My daughter on the other hand has a tuna toastie. Go figure.
Jack and Jill

this bit of delicious from Jack and Jills

This is in Kalamunda- they have amazing food, and the coffee is wonderful and an added bonus is that a former student of mine is the owner and chef. It's the bomb.
Beachside Snack

Bib'n Tucker
This one is a little bit hard for me because I really don't go to the beach very often and by not very often I mean if at all (unless of course I am in Bali or down at Mandurah) So I'm going for...this one.
It is in Freo and it's on the beach. The view is good and the food is nice. And that is all I've got to say about that.


Long Lunch
The Balmoral
This uncool kids says there is only one place to long lunch and this is it. Because you rock up for a drink, end up having lunch and then somehow its time for dinner. 

Lapa (the Freo one)
I had a very long lunch here. And by long I mean 10 hours. It is a Brazilian restaurant. It has meat and yummy salads. Nothing else needs to be said.

On a date
This one is tricky because it has been a rather long time since I have been on a date. So this one is where I would like to go if I get taken on a date 
Rockpool
An oldie but a goodie, but my favourite is also a good steak with a bit of bearnaise sauce.
Amici Mei
This is a little Italian restaurant close to my house but I do love it. Very casual but the food is so good.
Nobu
Who doesn't love Nobu?? Although don't go there when you are really hungry- it doesn't exactly fill you up. 

Drinks
I am starting this with drinks in Perth are expensive. Like really expensive. Like don't plan on eating AND drinking expensive. Its one or the other. So these are where I went for my last drinks.
The Crown
Yes I know this is a little bit daggy- but stay with me. A $5 uber from home, lots of bars and a damn good dance on a Friday night.
Sneaky Tony's
A rum bar in Northbridge. You need a password on the weekends, the bar has no signage (which is weird because the prices are so high you think they could afford one). They make the coolest Pina Colada in a can.
Bobeche

this is me tucking into the free popcorn.

They do yummy drinks in a teapot. And give you popcorn. Which is good because a teapot of drink will cost you the equivilant of dinner and a bottle of wine.
Helvetica
This is a cutie little bar, within walking distance of Bobeche which is always handy. And they do lots of yummy drinks- they average the price between $15-$20.
Embargo
This is a pop up bar. At the moment it is in Elizabeth Quay. I really like it. But here's a tip - buy a bottle of wine or champagne. It's more economical. You are welcome.

Wellness

I've got nothing to say on this one. Go for a walk around the river or a run along the beach.

Sharing
I don't share. Please don't make me go to a sharing restaurant. To me it is like going to a party where there is nibbles. You get home and feel like you haven't had dinner. So you go home and make yourself a polony and tomato sauce sandwich, when in reality you have eaten the equivalent of three main meals.

A cheap and cheerful.
The Carlisle

$10 Chicken Parmie. $12.50 with salad. Say no more.



So there you have it. This is where you will find this "uncool kid". 

Some inspirational advice for the lazy girl.

Today I was in a shop and I saw a really good " motivation/peace/be happy" journal. I really wanted to buy it. Because I really want to be that person. But then I remembered yoghurt. (Stay with here- I have a point). I love buying yoghurt. I go to the aisle in the supermarket and look at all the yoghurt, then I buy the yoghurt, get home, put it in the fridge. And there it stays. I never eat it. It goes from the supermarket, to the fridge, to the bin usually about a month after the expiry date.

This is me and anything motivational/peace/be happy. I buy it, I even buy pretty pens to fill it out with ( because is there anything nicer than pretty stationary?) and I fill it out for two days,  then get bored. I tend to do this with all the beautiful journal diary things I buy. I get them- I'm motivated- and then I get bored. My travel diary from New York really documents the plane trip, stop over in Hong Kong and Day 1 really well.

I think the bottom line is that I am too lazy to be inspiring. I think that sort of things takes work. You have to remember this stuff takes effort. Lets look at a few examples.

Now in theory this one is awesome, but there are some problems with it. Smiling takes effort. You have to remember to do this. And lets not even start me on thinking positively all the time. Laughing loudly is not always appropriate (and people do tend to stare at you). And I have been dreaming often- but unfortunately they have been about a rat with big eyes staring at me. 

 Although the one where Chris Brown ( the vet, not the dodgy singer with rap sheet) threw me over his shoulder and took me in a street parade in a convertible Mercedes wasn't all that bad. Although he did say (in my dream) when I asked him if I was heavy- " little bit".

This Chris Brown

Not this Chris Brown.

So lets try this one

Sorry Confucius- you tell that to the Admin staff at the school where I work this when reports are due. 

Some times you really don't.  No matter how much I tell myself I've got the skills to play tennis (or any team sport) I totally have never got it. No hand /eye coordination. Like at.all.

Ok- I don't even know where to start with this one. Lets just say when I'm on a diet- I want immediate results, there is nothing like a bit of self pity, what is life without a good worry, and sometimes it's ok to say "stuff it" and just walk away.

Nope- sorry about this one as well. Sometimes you need to say " Bitch step away from the carrot cake". 

So here is some motivation I think can help all the "lazy but in need of some inspiration " people out there.       

Never a truer word spoken.

Well who isn't?? And this should also say " and when my makeup and my hair both work"

Accurate on so any levels.

Ahhhhh Bali. I love you.

As my friends on social media have been asking- I have been MIA on social media lately. That is because I am so chilled I am nearly comatosed. For the record I am home now... I was so relaxed I forgot to finish the post.

                        

I am in my very happy place at the moment- otherwise known as Bali and it is as magnificent as ever. I have mixed things up a bit this time and I am staying somewhere different, and I have even gone to a few new places, as well as my all time favourites.

Now it has only been 3 months since my last visit, so to be honest not much has changed, but I thought I would go through my list of things to do, that I have done this visit.

1. Stayed in a cute Villa. 
We are in a Villa called Villa Kamborja Junior. It has an amazing pool, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, living area, wifi, a lovely maid who comes and cleans up in the morning and it was cheap (roughly $150 a night). It is tucked away off Legian Street about 400 metres before you hit Bintang Supermarket. Can't recommend it enough.

2. Had drinks on the beach
We missed sunset but we have done after dinner drinks at Champlung (biggest frozen strawberry daquiris in the world and also had dinner at a newish beach bar whose name I can't remember but it was in the front of Double 6 and Cocoon. It was delish, and even though it was nighttime, it was still beautiful watching the planes fly in and out and the lanterns heading off over the sea.

3. Had some fab culinary experiences.
We have not had a bad meal here. We have gone to all my fav's- Bo & Bun, Fat Gaha, Ginger Moon, and also tried out a few newies to me- including Jemme (which has the most divine jewellery shop in the front and also heading to Mamasan tonight. The food is seriously amazing, and cheap- but the drinks are a killer. 
                           

4. Gone to some beach clubs
We had breakfast which turned into lunch at KuDeTa. I haven't been there for years, but still good, and who can say no to a mojito and a bellini to wash down you scrambled eggs. We also went to Potato Head. Not going to lie- I'm not really a fan. It is bloody expensive and I find it a bit mah. Or may I'm just to old for it. We were going to head up to Finns, but the appeal of drinking our duty free by our pool got to much.

5. Gone shopping
And by shopping I don't mean the "shit shops" as I like to call them (the stalls that sell all the stuff you need like you cheap copy sunnies, tshirts, caps sarongs, penis bottle openers and amazingly Naked Palettes and Kylie Cosmetics- I didn't buy them they have been sitting in the sun and that can't be good)- I mean some of the beautiful clothing and home wares. Cushions, cute "things" and beautiful dresses are everywhere. They can be expensive- the especially as you head further into Seminyak, but there is some adorable stuff.

6. Done the Bintang supermarket shop.
Fill that carry basket up with Pantene,toothbrushes and sensodyne toothpaste. So much cheaper than at home.

7. Drunk lots of Bintang.
Nothing goes with hot weather better than a Bintang, or a Bintang Radler (tastes like a shandy). Yum, yum, yum.

8. Has good massages.
Don't get me wrong - there is a place for a cheap massage- but I have saved my money and had a Singing Bowl massage at Jari Manari (which has just won best affordable day spa in the world) and an Aryvedic massage at Spa Bali.  Both were around $50 Australian, but for 90 Minutes of bliss- it is worth every cent.

9. Walked and sweated
It is bloody hot at the moment. There is no rain this week, so the  weather is so hot. I have never sweated this much in my life- but if you can be bothered a walk means you see so much. We took a walk along the beach which is a fast way to get to areas out of Seminyak although the rubbish was really bad in some bits.

10. Relaxed.
And that is all that needs to be said about that.   

What too wear when your butt (and boobs) get bigger.

Now I may have said in previous posts that I have gained a few extra kilos, the reasons for this vary from not being able to run which is the only thing that keeps my weight under control due to the stress fracture that just keeps on giving ( note to all- don't run for 27km on a fractured leg) to my fondness for a glass (ok bottle) of sparkling. This has resulted in a few things for me which has included people asking if I have had a boob job as my previous "lucky if I fill out a B cup" moving to a D cup, and a fondness for fake tan, because we all know that brown fat looks better than white fat. But the biggest change has I have had to alter the way I dress.

I am genetically blessed with good German stock which means I have a top size smaller than my bottom size, ( and also if there is ever a famine- I've got it covered). Even at my skinniest I am lucky to squeeze my lower half smaller than a size 12 (thats a US 8), so the extra 5- ok maybe 10 kilos is causing me grief. But never fear here are some solutions I have found.

1. Work out what your good bits still are.
Mine are my shoulders and my legs (up to half way up my thighs- thats when the German bit kicks in). I always make sure that what I wear highlights this- hence the trend for off the shoulder has been a blessing.
                                    
  I have this dress. I also have three in black (all different lengths) and green.

2. Direct attention away from bad bits. 
I have taken to wearing earrings that are dangly. People are so confused as to what has happened to my plain pearl studs that they are not looking at my butt. A cool pair of sunnies will work a treat as will shoes and even a denim jacket tied around your waist.

                                  


3. Change up your makeup and hair.
Yes my face is fatter. But on the plus side is I have filled out those wrinkles (win). Contour and highlight and even wear a bright coloured lipstick. And do your hair. When your hair is looking fab- you feel fab.

4. Buy new bras.
You need to chuck out the old ones. Nothing makes you look fatter than boobs spilling out of a too small bra. And if like me you hate having big boobs- get one that does not "enhance"

5. Invest in some big knickers
You can tuck you tummy into them. Once again- nothing looks worse than too tight knickers. A big pair will smooth and you will also not have to spend time picking them out of your bottom.

6. Support/ control wear.
Inventions of the gods. There is nothing wrong with being bigger, but no one wants to be lumpy.

7. Get the length right.
I have been wearing dresses, but the need to hit the thinnest part of you legs. I have what I like to call muscular calves. If a dress hits that point my legs looks like elephants.


                                


8. Dresses.
Dresses are good. I have been wearing lots of dresses and I have been embracing the off the shoulder dress, and even adding a few frills. I know right?? Who am I?

9. Get some colour into your life
I only wear black, grey with maybe some white thrown in for good luck. But I have invested in florals and I even bought a green dress. Once again- people were so shocked I was wearing colour that the size of my butt wasn't even an issue. In saying that though- colour blocking (wearing all black is always a safe option)

10. Cheap bicycle short.
Yep- you heard. Get yourself to Kmart and on the way to the homewares section get some $6 bicycle shorts to wear under your dresses so chaffing is not an issue. Genius.

11. You may have to go up a size.
Now I know this one can be tricky because once you go up a size it can be a slippery slope to not getting the weight off ( if you so desire), but as with knickers and bras there is nothing worse than too tight clothes. And as a friend said to me once- no one can see what number is on the label. Preach that one sista.

12. Shop around
When you are carrying around some weight you don't want to spend heaps on clothes. I have been shopping online a lot. ASOS has a sale right now and stuff is soooo cheap it would be a crime no to buy it. 

12. Own it.
Wear your extra kilos with pride and confidence. If you are healthy and happy who cares if your butt is a little bit bigger??

Some super good shows to watch this Summer.

As I have mentioned before I have always loved television. Like love, love love. I can still sing the jingles from my favourite shows from the 70's- Metal Mickey anyone?

So I thought I would share with you my favourite tv show that I have watched this year. All of them are available on Stan, Netflix or can be purchased on itunes. (if you are in Australia).

1. Game of Thrones. 
Goes without saying. The.Best. Ever.  The trick is to get over the fact that it is a totally nerdy genre, and to persevere through the first season.

2. The Crown.

I need to add a disclaimer that I love the royals. My cats are called William and Kate, and my dogs are Camilla and Charlie. I was always going to love this. Beautifully shot, cast and edited.  The best part is because it is real there can be no spoilers.

3. Unreal
Set on the production of a fictional dating show " everlasting" this is so entertaining. It's funny, and gives a great insight into how manipulative these shows can be. Love. Love. Love.

4. Younger
An America sit com about a women in her 40's who is pretending to be 26 (what's wrong with that?) Super funny, super short episodes and very entertaining. And it has Hilary Duff in it.

                                             
5. Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
I don't really know where to start with this. It is funny with lots of quick one liners- about a slightly crazy lawyer from New York moves to California on a whim to - definately NOT to be with her ex boyfriend from summer camp. Its weird. They break into song. But very entertaining.

6. Designated Survivor

I'm only an episode in but about what happens when the entire US political system ( from the President down) gets taken out by a terrorist attack. It stars Kiefer Sutherland who is surprisingly short and no where near as good look as he was when he was a Vampire in Lost Boys.

7. Stranger Things.

It is sci fi but don't let that put you off. It is based in the 80's and it stars Winona Ryder. I can't explain it but let me just say...You will love it. And never look at fairy lights the same again.
                                      

8. Extremis
This is a very short 28 min doco set in the ICU of an American Hospital and shows how families deal with the decision to turn off life support. Only watch when you are ready for a good cry.

9. The Night Of
This was my favourite of the year. Based on a night which ends up in a young women being murdered, but the guy who was with her cannot remember what happened and if he did it. It examines racism, the America legal system and not fitting in. It is sooooo good. I had to buy it from itunes but worth every cent.


10. Upper Middle Bogan.
Makes me laugh every single time.