A letter to the man whose name I don't know, but changed me forever

 I don't  know your name and you don't know mine. But 6 weeks ago you changed my life forever. To you it is something that you wont apparently really remember. You wont remember the details of the night and I have been assured that you won't remember my face. You are lucky because I can't forget yours. It is etched in my memory forever. It is there everytime I close my eyes. I see you in my nightmares which visit me every night.

It was normal day of what had been a great week. I had woken up early to take my partner to work and had then done a flight. I came home, went for a swim, walked the dog. Just my normal. Nothing unusual. I may have gone and visited my 3 day old grand daughter. I don't really remember. I came home late in the afternoon and decided to sit down, have something to eat, and watch Housewives of New Jersey. I decided not to shut the garage door because I was only sitting down and was going to take the dog for one last trip to the park.

I woke up 4 hours later. Startled and confused because I still had my watch on. It was 11:30pm I had fallen asleep. It happens sometimes. The early starts, the toll flying takes on your body. You are tired without realising it. I got up and remembered that the house was not locked up. I wasn't scared because 6 short weeks ago I didn't get scared. I shut the garage door. Locked the door. Cleaned the kitchen. Got changed. Cleaned my teeth. Went to the toilet. Filled my drink bottle. But you know that. Because you were in the house with me.

You waited for me. We shared my house, my sanctury, my safe place for 15 minutes. You waited for me to go to bed to make your escape. I turned off the light. You came out from your hiding spot, you grabbed my bag, ran into the couch opened the door and made you escape. Except you couldn't work out how to get out of the garage. I had to do that for you when I walked into my garage, looked you in the eye and asked you what you were doing and told you to get the fuck out of my house. 

I will never forget the look in your eyes. You look confused. You were working out what to do. Honestly I believe the look in your eyes was confusion and fear. Fear that I had spoken to you like that. Confusion that I was standing next to you, that I looked you in the eye. To your credit you did as I said. You left with out saying a word. You didn't hit me with the hammer you had as a weapon. You didn't physically attack me. You did worse. You mentally changed me forever.

I was in shock. I went inside, rang the police, listened to the police helicopter fly over me looking for you. Feeling assured because I knew one of the three police cars that came was sitting outside my house " just in case" I tried to go back to sleep. Sleep never happened. Instead I scrolled on Facebook. Some one posted video of a man being arrested just 2 hours later. I knew it was you before I even watched it. I watched it and as I saw as you ran towards the camera that you were wearing my work uniform. You had been in my house and property for long enough that you had taken my uniform off the line. And just to let you know I found the broom that you had put there in case I came out while you were there so you could hit me with it.

You got nothing of any real value from me that night. You got $5. But what you stole from me was priceless. You stole a part of me that I will never get back. I was never scared before. I trusted people, I always felt safe and secure in my life. I think about you when I am home, and I think about you everytime I get dressed to go to work. I jump when I hear noises. I have nightmare most nights. I don't sleep well and when I wake up sometimes I'm shaking.  I freeze when I see someone who fits your description. I get chills when I think about what could have happened. I get so mad at myself when I think about how I fell asleep and didn't lock the house. I feel angry. But most of all I feel sad.

To you this means nothing. Like I said -It was a night you won't really remember.

For me it is one I will never forget.

Yep- Hypnotherapy made me give up smoking.

This may not surprise those of you that know me well, but I'm not great with relationships.. but the one relationship I was really good at was smoking. I'm not going to lie- I loved it. It was my constant companion who I could always turn to. It didn't matter if I was tired, happy, sad, stressed, bored (you get the picture) smoking was always there for me.

In fact my most favourite time of the day was when I woke up in the morning I would have my morning coffee and 3 cigarettes ( ok maybe 5- don't judge me) before I would go to work. And yes that was even if I started at 4:30am.

But about 7 weeks ago I was sitting on my verandah ( or courtyard- I still don't know what to call it) while I was having my morning dart when I was chatting to Kim- the amazing lady who works at my apartment complex. I happened to mention that I was wanted to give up and she told me how she had just done a hypnotherapy course and could she hypnotise me. Faster than you could say Longbeach Menthol Fresh Burst I was in.... so this is how it went.

I had never been hypnotised before so I wasn't really sure what to expect but it went like this..

• Kim just asked me a few questions before and we talked about what I wanted to do

• Then I sat down , made sure I was comfy and then she asked my to focus on my hands.. and then the magic happened.

• The sensation is weird- you are definately not asleep, and kind of just feel like you are listening with your eyes closed. I just really focussed on what Kim was saying because knowing my short attention span there was I every chance I would find myself questioning something really important like " are the Dockers always going to be shit" or " why did the chose to finish Shitt's Creek at season 6 when it is still so good ".

• During the session I knew my hands where moving, and my body was twitching, but It wasn't something I had control over- my body was just doing it. My favourite was when Kim was telling me I was walking into a room and I was standing at a desk which was my control panel and I was looking for my anxiety control and I started waving my arms around. I remember I was cleaning my desk because I couldn't find my controls because my control panel was just too messy. (If that's not a sign of what was going on in my head I don't know what is!)

• When Kim brought me out of the hypnosis I felt tired, and I had no idea of how long I had been under for ( it felt like 10 but apparently it was more like 25 minutes). We had a little chat about what had happened and then Kim left and I went to bed... and slept. And slept... and slept.. and then slept some more. To say I was tired was an absolute understatement. Kim said it was normal because working with your subconcious is hard work.

And that was it! I had absolutely no desire to smoke from that moment on. I had awful nicotine withdrawals for the first 2 days. More poor body was craving nicotine, but I just did not want to smoke. I instead slept more and locked my self in my apartment where no one could annoy me. Or I couldn't kill anyone.

I had two more sessions after that, on the second we discussed smoking, my anxiety and over eating ( ok and maybe we touched on my over drinking) and on the third session we just consolidated the three sessions. The effect this has had on my anxiety is also amazing. So if you see me making a weird hand gesture with my hand- don't worry I'm just turning down my anxiety dial to a 2.

So 6 weeks on I have faced all my major triggers.

• I have been out drinking ( more than once) 
• I can be around people who smoke
• I get up and go to work with no cigarettes (interesting I am not drinking as much coffee- this has not been deliberate it just tastes almost too strong now)
• I have had a few stressful things happen where I would normally turn to cigarettes 
• I have been incredibly bored 
• I have been to the football and seen my team perform dismally

I don't really know why it was such an amazing success but I  think maybe one of the main reason for this success was that Kim told my subconcious that I was a "non smoker". I think the choice in language is really important. Saying I had "given up" is so different to saying "I don't do it."

I am also very open to alternate therapies and I have also done quite a lot of guided meditations in my time so I am quite good at " relaxing myself". I felt incredibly comfortable with Kim and she has the most soothing calm voice. I also really, really wanted this to work.

So 6 weeks on I am incredibly proud but also incredibly amazed at just how easy and successful the process has been. Giving up smoking has been fantastic but the added bonus of getting my anxiety under control has been the best.

I would honestly recommend giving it a try and it anyone wants Kims details- let me know... 

Ross you are an arsehole part 3

I thought the easiest way to keep people who are asking was to write a post about the man in my life who seems to love me so much he never wants to leave. Good old Ross River.

So as I write this I am currently in bed, where I have been pretty much for nearly every waking hour for nearly 3 weeks. Apart from my little daily excursions when I leave house. My blood tests came back last week and for the third time since October 2017 I tested positive to good old Ross. 

It's hard to know if I truly contracted it twice (which is what the doctor thought in November 2018) or if it is the same initial virus that has never gone away.

Either way - it is fucked. It looks something like this-

• I am constantly exhausted. I sleep up to about 20 hours a day and look and feel permanently hungover.
• My body plays aching bingo. You never quite now which joints are going to be the lucky winner of the day- but it seems to like my ankles, back, neck and wrists the best.
• My body tingles constantly. Sort of like ants running inside my body.
• The soles of my feet and my palms are itchy. All the fucking time.
• I have no attention span- which considering I normally have a short attention span this is a bit of a worry.

So on the positives

• Alcohol still works a treat. The only thing that dulls the pain.
• I have caught up with every show on Netflix, Stan, iview and I am now turning to Foxtel (desperate times call for desperate measures)
• I do go out for a few hours at time ( on Doctors order), the only down side is that when I am out for too long I am totally wiped out for the next couple of days.
• I am on 2 weeks holidays which means I haven't had to take more time of work.
• I am surrounded by an amazing family and friends who have been nothing short of awesome and supportive and patient with me, when I have constantly whinged about how tired, sore and frustrated I am with this horrible fucked virus.
• Work have also been amazing and understanding.

So where to from here...

To be honest the most depressing thing is no one is sure how long this relapse is going to last for especially as this time it is as bad as it was the first time, the only thing I can do is rest it out. I am off to a rheumatologist this week to check that Ross has not triggered  the onset of rheumatoid arthritis (which really will be a fucker).

The moral of the story...... always , always , always make sure you are covered in mosquito repellent.  

The one about me trying to go Zen.

I'm going all new age on myself. We not completely new age there are some things I could never do.. like wear patchouli oil, or become a vegan ( I could never give up a chicken parmie, or a steak, or a pie..) but I have been trying to immerse myself in the world of meditation. Yes the most hyper person in the world is finally attempting to calm her hectic mind.

In the style of being a true Gemini- I love the new world and all that comes with it, but I have always had a bit of a love for the spiritual world. I would always prefer to go to a spiritual healer than a psych, I love a bit of reiki before a I would go to a physio and don't start me on how much I love getting my charkras rebalanced followed by a singing bowl massage.

No on is safe from my obsession at the moment including my family and the students at school. Or the other teachers at school who have not heard the end of me banging on about how amazing meditation is going with my classes. The kids honestly love this shit. And no, I'm sure it's not because it takes up 10 minutes of class where they get to put there heads on the desk and literally do nothing. But then I actually think it IS because they get 10 minutes of nothingness, which in today's world is as foreign to them as living in a world where the mobile phones didn't exist. And the looks on their faces when the 10 minutes is up is awesome, they are chilled, calm and peaceful- for at least 5 minutes anyway.

I made poor Indi do some meditation with me last night - or "emitation" as I called it ( see what I did there) We turned off the tv, we put down our phones and  ipads, we sat on the couch together and had 10 minutes of resting our minds, and it was pretty friggin awesome.

Not that it is easy, I find meditating ( or emitating) really, really hard. My mind wanders, I think of everything I had not done, have yet to do, or if Mario from the Mario Brothers name is actually Mario Mario (that one bothers me a lot), but I have noticed that in my every day life I am finding myself using the techniques to calm me down. Like I said to some of my Year 12's the other day if I had learnt some of these techniques years ago it would have made my life much easier!

If you would like to give it a try ( you know I love to share anything amazing I find- like my new Kevin Aucoin Mascara- simply the BEST, do your lashes a favour) have a watch of Andy Puddicombes TED talk, 

Give his 10 minute guided meditation a try

and then download his Headspace app on your phone. And welcome to the world of resting your tired, overthinking, overworked mind..... for only 10 minutes.... I haven't gone completely bonkers.

A message to myself on my birthday

Today is my favourite day of the year.... my Birthday. And I am officially old. So I have decided on my 47th Birthday I need to make some changes. Here we go...

1. I will no longer use my hair straightener to iron my clothes when I am too lazy to get the iron out.

2. I will not wear my pyjama top to work anymore because I can't be bothered getting a singlet out of the drawer.

3. I will start to carry an umbrella when it is raining or looks like rain, rather than cover my head in my scarf and then proceed to bitch about how my hair goes frizzy.

4. I will stop using my bra as a pocket.

5. I will try and wear matching socks.

6. I will attempt to stay home on a Friday night once in a while.

7. I will try not to have a crush on a member of a boy band.

8. I will google how to spell a word I don't know how to spell rather than just pick an easier word- or not say " I'm a Media teacher, not an English teacher".

9. I will understand that I can go home early and not be the last to leave a night out.

10. I will no longer walk to the shop in my pyjamas on a Sunday morning.

Baby steps...right?

The answers to your questions....

I haven't blogged in since forever- I think I haven't really been in the space to have anything to say really. But as every time I see people I haven't seen for a while they are all asking me the same questions,  I thought I would interview myself, to give you all a catch up of what has been going on in my life.

So Emma- where have you been?
I have been around, just getting on with life really. Nothing exciting.

Ok- so lets start- how is Ross going?
Ross is still hanging around, nowhere near as bad as it was. I managed to get through first term with only one day off so that's good. I still get tired as fuck, and my hands and wrists ache, but other than that- it's all ok. Having more blood tests next week to see how active he still is. At least one of us is active.

Anything good come out of it?
Well mosquitos don't bite me anymore, and apparently my handwriting now looks like the handwriting of a 18 year old now instead of a 13 year old due to my Ross inflicted hands.

You have moved- does that mean you sold the house?
Ummmmm- no. The house was under offer but the buyers pulled out. So it is going to be rented out. I am in a cutie little unit. Yes, I am still in walking distance to The Balmoral (didn't want their profits to drop). It is the best and I love it. I can vacuum the whole house without needing an extension cord. 

You still teaching?
Yep, still at the same place I have been at since 2003.  Yes that is a long time and no do I see myself moving anytime soon. 

Your football team is pretty shit at the moment.
Yes they are, no I don't know why, yes Nat Fyfe is still a God, Yes I still love them, I really only go for the beer now. And the pies.

Any plans to run any more marathons?
That would be a nope. I am actually hoping one day to be able to successfully walk for a few days in a row. 

Have you got a boyfriend?
That would also be a no. Netflix, Stan and SBS on demand are the only things sharing my bed at the moment. Well and Indi when she is home. 

You seem to have a good bunch of friends.
Yes I do. The Garden Club are the best. They are also brutally honest with me and tell me the absolute truth even if I don't want it. Like the the other day when I showed them a picture of some dresses I wanted to buy. They all told me they looked like shit and were too short. I think it was their diplomatic way of saying " You are turning 47 next week- no one wants to look like mutton".

You haven't made a Youtube tutorial for a while- what's the go with that? 
Just been really lazy actually. I am planning on doing another one soon though. I just need to get Indi away from my makeup.

So whats in store for you now Emma?
Well I'm trying to get a little bit more Zen. I meditating and I have enrolled to do a Reiki Course which I'm really excited about. I'm also going to do a bit more writing. Thinking about starting a book. I'm going to call it " Did You Hear the One About?" It's going to talk about all the things I have done in my life where I have just had to stand back, shake my head and laugh at myself.

Sounds fab- can you give me an example of a story?
Sure. On the weekend I stayed at a hotel with my friend and our daughters. We checked in, I went to the room and there was a man in our room. I went back downstairs and they gave us a new room. The new room was on level 5. The old room was on level 3. On Sunday morning I went outside for a dart and then went back to my room. I had forgotten my card to get in so I was ringing the bell. My friend wasn't answering. So I stood there with my finger on the bell. I was looking down at my phone when she answered so I went off at her " For fuck's sake could you have taken any longer" I looked up. It wasn't my friend. It was a very shocked looking man. I was on the wrong floor. 

So can we expect to see more blog posts from you?
Yes. I think I am slowly getting my sense of humour back, so I do see more blog posts in my future.

It's time for a Ross River Update...

Well Ross and I have been together for a whole 16 weeks now. And he is the ultimate Stage 5 clinger. This guy just won't leave me alone. His love for me is still as strong as ever. But like every dysfunctional relationship we are learning to coexist with each other a little bit better.

So after 4 months of being with Ross this is what it is like..

1. Everyday is still like waking up with a hangover.  But without the fun of the night before.

2. I still sleep. A lot. And spend a lot of time in bed. Like a lot. A real lot.

3.When I get over tired or don't rest enough the virus moves through out my body. I get pins and needles through out my whole body until it finds a spot to rest. Kind of like the wheel spinning in a game of roulette.  For the last week Ross has decided there is not better spot to rest but my wrists. To the point where I can't hold anything. God forbid last week I couldn't even hold my phone.

               


But on the positive....

1. I can do a bit more. Like I can clean my house AND I finally folded my washing from Bali.... which has been sitting in the laundry from 14 weeks ago. Don't worry though- I still don't make my bed.

2. I don't cry all the time anymore. This is a positive for my friends who are sick to death of crying Friday. But don't say anything to upset me......

3. I can actually exercise a bit. Yesterday I took Ross for a 5km run. In the time I would usually run 10km- but a run is a run.

4. I have cleared through my " to view" list from Netflix, Stan and Foxtel.( Animal Kingdom- you MUST watch Animal Kingdom).

5. Yesterday I cooked a meal for my daughter and I. Yep the first time I have made something from scratch. AND I even had the energy to wash the dishes straight after and not 3 days later. 

All of these little positives are good because I head back to work on Monday and I'm not going to lie- I am shit scared of how it is going to go. I can just make it through the day doing the bare minimum, so a day, and then a week of work does seem even more daunting than running a marathon. Or that stupid 100km run the boys from work made me do. 

But I am looking forward to seeing my work buddies.. they just might have to get used to seeing me asleep on the couch at recess.

How not to give a f*&k- the condensed version.

Or as I have re named it " How to chill the fuck out." So the book in question is " The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*&k "by a man called Mark Manson

                               

I was given this book to read by a friend. In fact he threw it at me and said " Hey Dunno- read this." Although personally I think the fact that I let him call me Dunno without punching him in the throat is a sign that I am actually pretty chilled. It sat on my bedside table for a few weeks because to perfectly honest I couldn't be fucked reading it. Finally I picked it up and powered through it, because it was actually pretty damn good. So incase you, like me, can't be fucked reading it- here are the major dot points.

1. We all need to stop trying so freaking hard to be perfect.
Yep- you heard, stop trying to be so amazing and setting goals that you will never reach. Because by setting yourself unobtainable goals you always ending up being depressed because you will never reach them. Be more realistic. 

2. Stop trying to be so happy all the time.
I agree with this one because in our culture we think that we have a right to be happy all the time which is impossible because if we don't have the bad times we don't appreciate the good times. In the words of Miley Cyrus " It doesn't matter have fast you get there, doesn't matter whats waiting on the other side.....it's the climb." In other words- don't get hung up on waiting for happiness to happen, enjoy the journey.

3. You are not special.
Yep. We are really not that special. And even people that are special at some things aren't special at everything.  Accept the mundane and appreciate the little aspects of your life. This does not mean to stop trying but instead choose what to be special at. So for example I will never be good at tennis. Because I have no hand eye coordination. Also the thought of tennis bores the shit out of me. I am however good at make up. So I need to realise I will never be a tennis playing make up expert. I need to just be happy with doing good makeup.

4. Suffering is actually a good thing. 
Suffering is actually ok. We all go through shit times and will all have problems but we need to get better about what we give a fuck about. In the words of Mason " When you give better fucks you get better problems". Please don't take this to mean that you need to be better at sex. At least I don't think that what he means.

5. We all choose what we give a fuck about.
By this he means we are always choosing how we react to things. We can't control everything that happens to us but we can how we choose to respond.  He makes a point that sometimes the most challenging and painful experiences of our lives can end up being the most rewarding. 

6. Fucking up is a good thing.
Well obviously not all the time, but fucking things up can make you learn stuff, and make you a little bit more humble.  It's ok to admit you get things wrong. And if you are too scared that you are going to fuck things up, you are never going to try. And pain is a good thing and makes us stronger. I'm glad he made this point, because fucking things up is something I tend to do quite well. But now I know it is a good thing, I'm ok.

7. Stop giving a fuck about what others think.
Your self worth should be based on what you think about yourself, not what others think.  He makes a point in the book that people who care so much about what others think are actually scared of the shitting things they think about themselves. 

8. You have to give a fuck about something.
You can't just say " I don't give a fuck about anything" because you have to care about something.  This is where you own values come into it. Otherwise you have no purpose and just drift. You actually do have to care, or commit to something. Otherwise you are.. well... fucked.

9. In the end, we all die.
To be honest I still don't really get the point of this chapter but I think he is sort of saying that in the end we all end up in the same place, so enjoy your life and be true to your self. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. I think he also made a point about the legacy that you want to leave behind. 

So in conclusion..... stop caring so much, choose what you care about, chill the fuck out and if you think everyone around you is an arsehole...... maybe you are the arsehole.

The 7 habits that apparently make you seem dumb.

I came across this article the other day which was telling you what are the 7 things that make you seem dumb to other people. They obviously fancied up the words a bit, and said "less intelligent", but I knew what they were getting at. So here goes if you want to appear smarter this is what you need to STOP doing.

1. Dressing down in important situations.
I think I'm good with this one. Well apart from currently when my pyjamas have been on high rotation, and I have only gone to the shop in them once.... ok maybe twice. Alright three times tops.

2. Slouching
Apparently good posture makes you look smarter- because the more space you take up the more important you look. This is obviously the reason I have chosen to keep on that 10 kg's I have added to my frame. And obviously the reason why men sit with their legs apart.

3. Excessive nodding and head tilts
Apparently men only nod when they agree, women nod more frequently which makes them look like they are agreeing with everything. Well no...I am nodding at everything because I have tapped out of the conversation, have no interest in what you are saying and I've been distracted by something shiny.

4. Misusing words or phrases
I have to agree with this one. My most favourite ever example of this was when I was in a staff meeting once and we were talking about the evils of social media- when myspace and facebook were the sites of choice. A staff member stood up and said " I just wish the kids would get of my face". Still makes me laugh a good 10 years later.

5. Using language softeners
This means don't say " I'm not sure" or " Anyone could have done it." Say it with confidence. So if you think someone is a dick, don't say " I think you are a dick" just say " You are a dick."

6. Being overly judgemental
This also includes not gossiping. What a dumb rule. What fun is life if you can't judge someones outfit and have a good chat?? And anyway isn't the whole article a little judgemental?

7. Using profanities at work
Well I'm fucked.

I have a dirty little secret.......

I have a dirty little secret... I hope you are sitting down. I love country music. Not Taylor Swift country, not Miley Cyrus country ( although who doesn't love The Climb, or Party in the USA for that matter) but the real deal. I'm talking Keith Urban, Luke Combs, Luke Ryan (hang on what sort of country name is Luke??) country.

I have always been partial to a bit of country, in fact when I was little I would walk around the house singing to John Denver, but somewhere a long the line my teenage years kicked in and all I wanted to do was marry John Taylor from Duran Duran. Well to be honest I probably still do.  But since I have been on my extended home stay and I have got sick of listening to the top 40 I decided the other day to click onto the country top 40. Lets just say my life has changed. And not just because my 12 year old keeps yelling at me to " turn that music off".

Country music for the record is the top selling music in the world. And no, not just because the majority of people who listen to it don't have technology so they buy CD's. It's because it's good, and catchy, funny and has such meaningful lyrics. They sing about love, heartbreak, and picking up chicks at hooters all in the same song. They are , sorry Kayne West, lyrical genius's.

Here are some examples from my favourite country tracks of the moment, which are on high rotation in my house, car and my head.

1. " Sometimes you gotta drink about somebody, but that ain't gonna bring 'em back."
 Preach to that Morgan Evans- it may not bring them back, but it sure does make you feel better... until the next day that is.

2." Then I got the last spot in the Hooters parking lot, and the waitress left her number on my check with a heart, she picked up on the first ring when I gave her a call, and now I spent 5 bucks at the Moose Club raffle, won a used four wheeler and three free passes for me and two of my buddies to play a round of golf."
One word for you Luke Combs. WINNING. I don't know what the Moose Club is, but I sure want to go.

3. " People talk about what is and what isn't country..... is it the size of your tires and your fires, or your wild arse buddies?"
Very good question Luke Bryan.

4." First time I tied a plastic worm and felt it on the other end, it was get on the net, get him in the boat, Yeah buddy, I was hooked on it."
Now I have never been hooked on fishing, but this songs damn well makes me want to be.

5. " The moon went hiding, stars quit shining, the rain was dropping, thunder, lightning, you wrecked my whole world when you came and hit me like a hurricane."
Mmmm this may resonate with me because I may or may not have been called Hurricane Emma before. Although I'm sure I've never wrecked anyone's life... although maybe don't ask either of my ex husbands that.

6. " Shake it for the young bucks sittin in the honky- tonks, for the rednecks rockin' till the break of dawn... country girl shake it for me."
I think this is the country version of ' Get Low"- you know  the " from the windows to wall, feel the sweat drip down my ..... " I'm sure you know the rest.

7. " You know I like my chicken fried, and a cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radioooooo up".
Who doesn't Zac Brown Band, who doesn't.

8. " There is no dollar sign on peace of mind."
Amen to that.

So if you need me, this urban girl will be sitting on her verandah listening to police sirens wishing I was sitting on my verandah in Nashville.

The post I never wanted to feel I had to write.

There is something I have been sitting on for the last week, and wasn't really sure about whether or not to deal with it, but I have decided today, that in my new mantra of not hanging onto shit- I'm going to deal with it. It goes against my other mantra of keep things as light as possible because everyone is going through their own shit, but .... here goes.....

Sooooooooo- as most of you know and those who know me well know I have been sick for the last 9 weeks with Ross River Virus. I have also been off work for the last 9 weeks. Signed off by my doctor and my psych. I have never had this much time of work (except for when I was on long service leave)- hence why I had 95 sick days. I am sick. In fact I have never been this sick in my life and I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

My days are spent for the most part in bed, on peoples couches, at the doctors or psych, or on my veranda with my dogs and cats smoking like a chimney.  Except for a few hours a day when I get out of bed to go on what I call my "excursions" which I am doing under the advice of both my psych and my doctor. My excursions may be going to the shops, going out for lunch/dinner/drinks and every day I go to the pool for a swim (once again because my doctor told me I have too).

The problem has arisen because it has got back to me because I have posted things on social media people are ( behind my back) questioning how sick I really am- because I am making it look that way. I'm not going to lie- that 1 second snapshot of my life right now does look great. Because I am making it look that way. I do look good right now. I am sporting a fab tan, I have lost a bit of weight and when I know people are looking I always make sure I am smiling and looking happy.

What I am not posting is me in my pyjamas all day ( and yep I even went to the shop in them), lying in my bed which I don't even bother making anymore because I am back in it at least every 45 minutes, my house which is filthy and has washing that has not been folded for 3 weeks because I don't have the energy to do it. 

I don't post photos of my self wearing the same clothes I have worn all week because deciding what to put on is too hard, I do not post the photos of me before I have built up the courage to leave the house, or when I leave where I have been because my anxiety is so bad. I don't show that I can not sit still when I am out for longer than 15 minutes, I do not show my chain smoking in an attempt to control and calm my mind. I am not showing photos of me trying my hardest to sleep because I am exhausted, but sleep is eluding me so I am awake until 1am and the up at 4. I do not show the amount of pain killers I am on to make it through the day.

What I am showing you is the me that I once was, and the me that I am hoping to be again once I get through this. The social media posts are because I have been advised by my psych that that is who I am, and in order to get me back, I have to start acting like me again.

I haven't posted misery shots, or misery posts because I think, quite frankly it's boring. I don't think anyone really wants to know, because trust me it's not that exciting. But I am disappointed that people who I am "friends" with are questioning me and my health.. In the words of my psych " I shouldn't have to offer anyone an explanation", and I don't. 

I guess this is a thank you to the amazing people who have been by my side, and have seen me through the down, sat with me as I have cried or stared into space and look at my facebook and instagram and say " thank God we got her out of the house and out of those bloody pyjama's- and she even slapped on a bit of makeup".

And to the people that are questioning how sick I am..... well you can go fuck yourself, and please feel free to unfollow me, because you are no longer welcome to be part of my life. 

To the people in my previous life..... I'm really sorry..

Do you ever wonder what you were in a past life?? I have spent a bit of time thinking about that in the last few weeks, because I think I have come up with the answer. In my last life I was a Princess, but a really, really mean one- who pissed off all the people who worked for me. And I am paying for it in this life. 

This is how I imagine I looked in my past life as the evil Princess.

Although in reality I'm sure I looked more like this..... no wonder my cook hated me.

Why do I think this way? Well not just because I can be a bit of a Princess in this life ( yes I said it so no one else has too)- but my reasons are because even though I am attempting to look on the bright side of life, life seems to have other ideas. Here is a list of my reasons (and all these things have happened in the last 3 weeks)

• My microwave blew up. So obviously I pissed off my former cook. Now in reality it is actually because as my daughter is the Princess of slime, and all my bowls have been used to make the bloody stuff, so it appears slime made with glitter and microwaves don't mix. Who knew!
• My oven door broke. Cooks revenge again. Incidentally this can also be linked to the princess of slime who decided to stop making slime and make shrinky dinks in the oven. She thought best to do something (she still won't admit what) to the door.
• My iphone was subject to the great data glitch of 2017 and fucked up, meaning it shut down every 30 seconds. I spend three hours on the phone to Apple. They told me it couldn't be fixed. I went and bought a new one. They called me back two hours later telling me they had released a new software update and it could be fixed. Of course they fucking did. This was obviously one of my servants I was mean to when I asked them to send letters by raven like they do in Game of Thrones.
• My fridge died. The cook again obviously.
• This morning my car had a flat battery. Man I must have been a bitch to my chauffeur.
• This brings me to what a mole I must have been to my poor maid, because her revenge has come in the shape of my two children who live at home and have no idea how to clean up after themselves. Their most favourite game at the moment is to eat every last thing out of the box, but leave the box in the cupboard or fridge so when I go to get something it is empty. Such a cool game.
• My poor pets where another of my past life victims, because even though I take them outside 50 million times a day they much prefer to shit on the rug inside, and then when they are outside they choose to terrorise the neighbourhood by running and barking after everyone who walks past. Now as the majority of my time is spent in my pyjama's- I spend a lot of time running down the street in my pyjamas. The neighbours have got wise though and cross the street. To be honest not sure if they are avoiding the dogs or me in my pyjamas.

                                           

So to all those I have wronged in my former life.... I am really, really sorry and I have seen the errors of my ways. I promise if I am ever reincarnated as a Princess again I will be really, really nice to everyone. Like Princess Diana but without the touch of crazy. So can we all calm down now and just play nice?

Find Your Tribe.

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast. Yes- a podcast. I'm new to the whole world of podcasts, but as the majority of my life for the last 8 weeks has been spent trapped in my house (apart from my daily doctor ordered excursions) I'm
mixing up Netflix and Stan with a few other riveting moments- hence the podcasts. Although being me I do tend to get distracted and have to replay them a bit.


The podcast was from Russell Brands "Under His Skin" and he was talking to Ruby Wax about Mindfulness and Mental Health. I really like Russell Brand and even though a friend and I disagree on whether he is now happy with his new life as a no longer drug addict and a husband and dad (he it totally not bored and is not missing his rock and roll lifestyle at all... is he??) I think he is one clever guy. Mental Health or mental wellness as my mate Russell likes to call it is something that interests me a lot. So I found this really interesting.

But the part that interested me the most was towards the end of the podcast where Ruby Wax started talking about a club she had started called "The Frazzle Cafe ". The idea is the club is where a group of people get together and talk. The reason behind this is because although we are more connected with others than ever before, the majority of people actually have no one to really talk to. We no longer have a tribe and we are actually really isolated. Ruby believes that we are not really connected to each other anymore and we spend the majority of time talking about superficial stuff we don't really care about and never have the chance to actually "talk". She says that we actually are quite alone, even though we are always surrounded by people.

This got me thinking because I actually do have a tribe. My tribe is called The Garden Club. Named the Garden Club because one day we all got together and did my garden one day ( not because we meet in the Beer Garden at The Balmoral although that is a valid point). My tribe has 5 permanent members and we get together at least every week and we talk. Sometimes we talk about life, we talk about our weeks, we laugh ( a lot), we cry ( we have all had a crying Friday) and we also consume quite a bit of wine. But most importantly we are there for each other. We are there to pick each other up when someone hits hard times, we are there to help each other out when we need it. We talk about our kids, offer each other advice, but most importantly we listen. We all know that each other is only a phone call away and if one of us needs each other we are there. We are honest with each other and speak the truth ( I tend to get " make good choices" and " you are not everyone's source of entertainment" a lot) We don't judge, we care. We also talk a lot of shit as well. We offer each other parenting advice, and will step in with each others kids when things get too much. 

The other thing about the Garden Club is that we have what we like to call "honorary members". They join us occasionally for our meetings and the members of the club always welcome them with open arms, although they are required to buy a bottle of Baileys and Baileys. Once someone has attended a meeting it is like they have become part of the tribe. They always seem to have something to offer, something to share, something to talk about or something to have a laugh about. Occasionally a husband or partner is brave enough to attend ( after our initial 2 hours of "Garden Club" time) and they are quite often called upon to give a male perspective (whether or not we choose to listen is another issue).

I feel so lucky that I have my tribe and if I'm honest not sure how I would have got through the last 12 months without them. They are more than my best friends, they are my people, my voices of reason. 

I love them all more than I could ever put into words. 

Week 7 Ross Update

                                   


And yes he is still being a c*&t.

So where am I at with this horrible fucking awful virus..... well I am still not back at work, I am still unbelievably tired, still have constant pins and needles in my arms as Ross moves around my body, still in pain although rather than it being an unbearable pain it is more now a dull ache, mostly in my neck and arms. I still have revolting headaches and about every hour I get a fever (even though those closest to me keep telling me it is menopause). I can see where they are coming from because I get so hot, I start sweating and I start taking my clothes off. And then start yelling at everyone that it is not fucking menopause.

Unfortunately for me I have also been hit hard by the other symptom which is depression. And man has it hit me hard. Those of you who either know me, or read my blog often know that depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with all my life- so the depression element of Ross is something that I was probably always bound to get- but being the expert I am at managing my depression as a "highly functioning" depressed person I didn't imagine it would be this awful.

The key to the management of my anxiety and depression is that I keep really, really busy. I rely on exercise and never sitting still to keep it at bay. Having Ross means these are the things I can no longer do. I am also sick of being sick and feeling like crap and this means that I have also been forced to stop and deal with what has been a shit couple of years of my life. And I have fallen apart. Like really fallen apart. And it hasn't been pretty.

But from falling apart means that I have no other option than to put myself back together. So this is what I'm doing..

1. I'm making myself exercise. For me this is swimming, and it works a treat. Diving into that pool not only makes my body feel better but it also makes my head feel better.

2. I am making myself go out everyday- even though I don't feel like it at all. On the weekend I had a major meltdown out of nowhere, cried (yes- still all I do is cry) and had to have a shot of tequila to get me out of my friend's house. Well it might have been two.


3. I am telling people. I hate talking about my depression because I think it is a bit boring- but I also think it is important to let people know that it is ok to talk about it.

4. I am learning that it is ok to tell people that you are not ok. And that you don't have to be superwoman all the time.

5. I am leaning on my friends and taking up offers of help. And amazing my friends and family have been. 

6. I am reminding myself that this is only temporary, it could be worse and I am going to get better.


I said to my friends the other day that one day I will one day look back at this stage of my life and realise that it was a blessing. It has made me stop, process some unresolved issues I have from the last few years, and realise that I can't keep running away and ignoring them. I always have a theory that your body gives you signals when it is time to slow down, and if you ignore them it will stop you. I believe that this is what my body has done. 

But I also believe that the time has come where I need to start pulling myself together. It is going to be a long, hard journey and I am slowly learning to be kind and gentle to myself. I know it is going to be a long time before I am myself again but I look forward to breaking up with Ross and kicking his c*^ty arse to the curb. And as with any bad relationship learning from the lessons it has taught me.

So please put your mozzie spray on- I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 
                         

Love is love.

Yesterday I woke up to the news that Australia had voted in favour of same sex marriage. It was the result I had hope for, but was worried that may not happen. I only hope from now the Government does as promised and pushes the changes through quickly so people can be free to marry who ever they want.

As someone who has been married twice and to be honest probably doesn't believe in marriage or a happy ever after anymore- this issue to me is not about marriage, it's not about a ceremony, it's not about a commitment. It is about finally sending the message that as human beings you are finally able to love who you love without feeling like you are not equal.

As a teacher I see first hand teenagers who struggle with their sexuality. The fact that in 2017 teenagers can still be in this position is sad. The fall out is huge.They quite often suffer from mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, and self harm. This comes from the feeling that their feelings are in someway wrong or bad, or that there is something wrong with them. And the worst possible feeling of all for a teenager is that they are not normal.

The vote on same sex marriage hopefully sends the message to all teenagers that there is nothing wrong or bad about being attracted to someone of the same sex. There is something wrong or bad about you if you are mean, you lie, you cheat, or if you treat people badly. This is when you are a bad person. Loving someone, no matter what sex they are does not make you bad or not normal. 

In my 18 years of being a teacher I have seen too many young lives tormented over sexuality. I hope that the decision made yesterday by the majority of Australian's send the message to everybody that who we personally choose to love and be attracted to is entirely our own business, and everyone is entitled to the same rights.

Love is love- it is something that has never made sense,  and if you are lucky enough to find it you should grab and hold it tight no matter what gender it is. 

Yesterday finally love won.