Make Up for summer is looking fresh.

Exciting news everyone- it is time to step away from the heavy contour and put down the false eyelashes! Make up is about to change, and just in time for summer.

Summer- we want to look like Margot Robbie.

The makeup for Summer is natural, fresh and glowy. Which let's face it is a blessing for anyone over 30- because all that heavy make up can make you look like a drag queen.

Foundation needs to be fresh- a BB Cream is perfect for this. You don't want to not look like you have plastered on your foundation.  BB Cream with some concealer where you need it can be a great option to a heavy foundation especially during the day when it seems to slide off your face.

Get yourself some blush- yes blush. It can be a natural brown, or a pretty pink, but you want some colour in those cheeks. Don't forget about liquid blush as well. This can be a great option.

Nars Orgasm. An oldie but a goodie.

Your lips can be still be nude, but your nude is going to be less opaque nude to almost a plain gloss. You could also put on a pink, or head for a magenta if you feel the need for a bright. According to one website I read they said that obviously lined lips was going to be a hit for summer. As someone who has lived through the 80's I'm not sure this is a trend I want to relive. But I would be grabbing my MAC Spice lipliner and Mac Pure Zen Lipstick as my essentials.

Your eyes need to be bright- so either go easy on the eyeshadow so your eyes shine through, get bright colours happening so you look like you have stepped out of a WHAM music video from the 80's, or get a beautiful olive green. You can still line with some liquid liner- but make it very fine. Lashes - just get a really good mascara. No need for the fake lashes.

Your brows are still need and well defined- but not too defined. No more dark caterpillars.

You can still contour- but you want it to look natural. Aim for a more shimmer highlighter and if it is rose gold- that is even better. If you still like a bit of contour on your cheeks make sure you blend.

Finally it is all about nails. Still a natural length, but crazy patterns and colour. I will not be doing crazy patterns and colour because I don't have time for that nonsense. But stick on nail polish is a great option. Head over here to Jamberry to have a look at the selection of stick on nail polish.

Finally you need to finish off your look with a tan. I love a good tan, and I do love a bit of sun, but I must admit in this day and age fake tan away. I'm looking a rather delightful shade of tan at the moment, due to my Bondi Sands gradual tan which I apply every second night and  the Bondi Sands dry oil which I put on with the mitt once a week.

Hair- lets go for some soft waves, half up/down do, a messy bun or pony tail or if all else fails- lets go for a braid. 

So there you have it- everything you need for a beautiful summer.

So did you hear the one about when I ran away from home?

                                      


So I have had a rather difficult year. Well to be perfectly honest it has been 18 months, but thats beside the point. So my difficult year reached a rather large climax about 4 weeks ago. That was when I realised that I could run from my issues but I couldn't hide. Sort of like when you think you are getting away with your midnight chocolate binge eating and then...bam.. almost over night you wake up and you break the zip on your skinny jeans.

In my mind I thought " I want to run away." I often think things like that but I never do it. But on this occasion I thought " Stuff it. I'm running away." I ignored my inner sensible side and booked my ticket before I could talk myself out of it. I was doing it. I was running away on my own. To Bali. (Well on my own but with a safety net of having friends who were going to be there as well).

The reception was mixed, but most people who had witnessed the great downfall of Emma first hand were very supportive. I was excited but absolutely terrified. I have never been away on my own. Yep at 45 this was my maiden voyage alone. So I made myself some rules ( because I'm a teacher- thats what I do.)

1. I had to spend every day alone
2. I had to engage in some sort of therapy each day
3. I was only allowed to "think about my problems" for 30 minutes a day
4. I could only go anywhere I could walk- no further
5. I was allowed to go out at night time (that was my favourite rule).

So early on a  Saturday morning I found myself at the airport. I checked in, went through customs bought my bottle of vodka, went to the bar and got myself a champagne (yes it was 6am but I was on holidays) sat down and burst into tears. It was the first of many occasions that I burst into tears with no idea why.

So I get to Bali.. find my driver (Pete amazing driver) get to my  hotel (The Ossotel- amazing) check in.. and then walked in to my first massage. A singing bowl- also amazing. I was early so I stopped in at my favourite pork bun restaurant and had a strawberry daiquiri (yes it was amazing).

And so the the next 6 days followed. I balanced my chakras, I hot rocked my back, I refelxologied my feet, and I balinese massaged my soul. I walked a lot, mostly along the beach, I looked at sunsets, I slept- in fact I slept a lot. Once day I only woke up to have lunch and then went back to sleep until 6pm. I had to explain to the Balinese a lot that I only wanted a table for 1 
(" what ? Just you? "
 "Yes just me."
 " No husband?" 
" No- no husband" 
 " Oh- I sorry").

I'm not going to lie. I also partied like a rock star. I was looked after by good friends, both old and new- I drank lots of frozen strawberry daiquiris, Jim Beam ( no- I didn't know I liked it either), Espresso martinis and bintangs. I ate nasi goreng, spring rolls and delightful chicken Gordon Blue (thats what the called it on the menu), and if the evidence on my bedside table was anything to go by a bowl of 2 minute noodles. 

I walked home laughing in the pouring rain with friends as we made our way through dodgy laneways that were flooded up to our knees. I got scooter rides home at 2am through the deserted streets of Seminyak. And I laughed. I laughed so much at times my stomach would hurt and my face would ache.  I would catch myself during the day smiling. Like resting smiling face. I must have been doing it a lot because a lady staying at the hotel walked past me and said " You must be having a lovely holiday- because you always look so happy."

By the final day I realised that I had followed all my rules except for the third one. That is "thinking about my problems for 30 minutes a day". Because by day 6 I realised I hadn't thought about my problems at all. Because I realised that what I had been thinking of as problems weren't actually problems. They were my life. My new life. One that I hadn't planned on, but the one that I have got. 

On my final day in Bali I wished two friends goodbye over final bintangs in the bar, I walked my final sunset beach walk to a friends hotel where we met other friends and had final drinks and dinner at sunset. As the sun came down and the musical duo played cheesey love songs I walked down to the ocean and found myself ending the holiday as I started it. By spontaneously bursting into tears. But this time I knew what these tears were. They were tears of happiness, they were tears of relief and they were tears of a repaired soul.  But most importantly they were tears of confidence that I could do this on my own and it was all going to be ok. 

So did you hear the one about when I ran away from home? Except it wasn't me that ran away from home. 

It was me who finally came home.

A letter to my 13 year old self

Hi Em,

Well look at you- what a cute chubby 13 year old you are living in Tropical North Queensland which is doing nothing for you hair. Don't get it cut short. It will be a disaster. Trust me.

So here I am at 45 giving you some advice on what is to come. And in true fashion of your life it is one of extremes. Your life is either amazingly fantasticically awesome or it is shit. There is no inbetween for you because that is how you roll.

So the good news. You will have three amazing children who will be by far your most amazing achievement. You will love them and be so amazingly proud of them as they become adults that this will make up for all the other shit that goes down. You are also blessed with a pretty awesome family who will always be there for you and will love you no matter what. And mum will still continue to growl at you- even when you are 45. 

You will be surrounded by wonderful supportive friends. You will do well choosing the people that come into your life. And luckily for you the friends you make will be friends for life. They will be there for you because trust me there are going to be time when you will really need them!

You will end up with a job that you love (at times). And you know how your mum and dad make fun of all the TV and movies you watch and say that if only you put that much attention into school? Don't worry about it- you are going to teach that shit so it is actually part of your education.

So for the not so great news. Em - your life is going to challenge you. A lot. You will unfortunately battle on and off through out your life with anxiety and depression. Just a word of advice. Don't wait so long to get medicated. It's just one small tablet. It is not a sign of weakness or failure. They will make your life better. I promise.

You know how that doctor told you that you are fat? Well because of that motherfucker you will battle with body issues for all of your life. You will always struggle with your body image. If I could go back in time I wish I could change that for you, because you are going to spend far too much time worry and obsessing about it. You will at times in your life be very skinny and you will be fat. And to be honest your actual weight will never change who you are or your happiness.

You know those dreams you have of finding your one true love and living happily ever after? I'm sorry but it ain't going to happen (well it hasn't so far and it may not ever).  It will be hard because you will always be a hopeless romantic who believes in love. And your heart is going to be smashed. Into tiny little pieces. It is going to be a struggle and you are really going to have a very tough time. You will, on the outside, make jokes and smile a lot and actually function quite well but those who know you well will see that your sparkle has gone. You are going to lose interest in every thing that you love, and you won't be able to focus on anything.  You will drink too much and you will start smoking again ( but hopefully that will be temporary). It is going to make you question every thing about you, and make you ask why are you never enough. I don't have the answers for you on that one but hopefully one day we will be enough for someone. 

The good news is that very slowly you will start coming back. You will start seeing sunshine, and when you laugh you will genuinely mean it. For every step forward you make, you will make two back, but very slowly the pain will go and you will start to rebuild. You will be damaged, and I hope that one day that will also go. I hope it doesn't make you bitter and I hope you will one day dismantle that brick wall you have built around your poor precious shattered heart. You will actually start to enjoy time on your own. Just try not to think too much. And try not to be so angry. It doesn't do any good and angry is not who you are.

Em-You have so much to look forward too. You are going to make mistakes, well ok lots of mistakes, but you will also do lots of things right. But above all things- you are going to be ok. Just be yourself, don't worry so much about trying to please other people. Embrace your family and friends - they are pretty cool people. Don't be so sensitive and don't take life so seriously. And never lose the ability to laugh at yourself because believe me you are going to need it. Trust me you are going to give yourself lots to laugh about. 

So my gorgeous girl- hang on tight - you are in for one hell of a ride. And remember to live by your favourite quote " Love and be loved. The rest will look after itself."

The Bachelor first recap of the season I will be calling " Richie is hot"

Omg - 2 minutes in and I am in love. Richie - if this gig doesn't work out for you and you would like to meet a delightful 45 year old who is pretty crap at marriage ( it would seem) give me a call. I can tell you now I am going to hate all these girls because Richie - you are the one for me. Richie also loves him mum, his sister and gazes longingly over bush landscapes. He also takes his top off. And he has muscles. Quite big muscles. And a six pack.

Here is Richie with no shirt

And he looks just as good in a suit.

My internet has is having buffering issues so I have forwarded to where the first two girls have arrived. I have just found out Richie loves camping and fishing and nature. Maybe don't call me Richie. The first annoying girl of the season arrives. Her name is Janey. She is the type of girl you really don't think exist as a grown up. But then grown up these days are hunting for Pokemons so what would I know. She dresses up as a Princess for kids parties. I want to punch her. Then she drops her shoe and blah, blah, blah.

                           Janey wants to be Cinderella.

We fast forward past some boring ones, and then we meet Eliza who is looking for her penguin. She is being sexy and sultry. She is annoying. She is singing. I'm dying. So is Richie. I hope she is drunk. Now my internet is not buffering again so I have no idea how many girls I have missed, but I'm sure if they are important I will see them again soon. We do however cut to the girls in the house having a bitch about the girl singing. There is a girl who looks like Lara Bingle.She must have entered whilst I was buffering. I think I'm going to like her, but I hope she loses the choker.

This is Lara Bingle. Sorry Keira.

Back to Richie and a girl has just given him bacon roses, and another girl has just asked Richie if he is shitting himself. And then the streaming cut out and a message came on my screen that said this...

                        I feel my computer is judging me.

I have now jumped to the cocktail party. This is this but where the girls try and nab Richie for a little chat and those who aren't chatting are plotting to go and interrupt the chatters. They are all a bit blah until one has to tell Richie some really important news. Oh God! What is it? She has cancer? Oh no - she has a child. Just as Richie is trying to "process" the info they get interrupted.

He is chatting to Lara Bingle, she wants the white rose, the girl (Eliza)is still singing (I think she is the bat shit crazy one) the others are bitching, my internet fucks up again and then someone called Tiffany is getting a red rose. Vintaea is talking about how her earrings are as heavy as fuck, Meagan realises she hasn't chatted to Richie, so she dives in they both feel they have a connection, a girl tries to cut in and RITCHIE SENDS HER AWAY!!! He then gets Meagan a rose. The girls reckon is just because she has big boobs. Then he goes and get the white rose. OMG. OMG. OH MY GOD...the bloody single mum nabbed it. Why didn't the others think of that sooner?

Rose ceremony. Osher arrives and he is looking buff. 18 girls... 16 roses.... pressure is on. Time to play "connection bingo". Every time someone says connection you drink. Lara Bingle gets the last rose, two girls who I don't remember go home. Let the games begin.

My make up I love you(s)

I haven't done a blog on my latest make up loves for a while so I thought there is no time like the time when you are lying on a daybed in a tropical paradise to create my list of loves. So here goes.....

1. NYX Lip Butter Glosses.
Since the shock of learning I have the cholesterol levels of a McDonalds addict these lip butters are the closest I get to the creamy buttery goodness of butter. Lucky these babies are filling the void. They are creamy, luxurious, awesome colours and did I mention cheap??? I get mine at Target, and I have Creme Brulee, Eclair and Sugar Cookie. They are so cheap there is no excuse not to pop one in your trolley when you do you weekly shop. Wear alone for a sheer gloss or with a lip liner for a longer lasting colour.

2. MAC Paint Pot in Soft Ochre.

You know when you have so much to do that you watch Make Up Tutorials on Youtube and you see them all banging on about a product and think - " Mmmmm it can't be that good, and why is the toilet not cleaning itself?" Well this is that good. A perfect base for eyeshadows or worn alone to smooth out the colour of the eye this stuff is as good as they say. I have also been mixing it up and using this as a base and them putting a soft layer of NARS Orgasm Blush over the top.  BEWTIFUL.

3. MAC lipliners.

I love a good lip liner. I think it is because my lips are lopsided. And also because in my real life job as a teacher the kids always tell me when my lipstick has worn off. So I always, always, always line my lips and fill in the whole lip before I lipstick or gloss. MAC are the best. End of story. The End. The essentials are always SOAR and WHIRL, but added to my list of must haves is now Subcultured, Boldly Bared, Dervish, OH Honey! and Spice. Sometime when I am feeling a little bit lazy and can't be bothered rummaging through my lipglosses I will just line my lips with Whirl or Soar and then fill in with Oh Honey! The most amazing nude lip and man does it last.

4. Mascaras.

You know I can never just pick one so here are my current "I can't live without you" mascaras

L'Oreal Volumious Million Lashes Waterproof Mascara. This stuff is perfect for you vacation or for anyone who is lazy and can't be bothered taking off and reapplying their mascara. This baby does not budge. And you do look like you have a million lashes

Too Faced Better than Sex - This stuff makes you lashes look freaking amazing. But I do have an issue. It does tend to smudge a bit and I can look like an emo by the end of the day. I'm going to try the waterproof next to see if it solves my smudging issue, but the result is so good I'm willing to spend my days wiping my eyes. 

Better than Sex Mascara. Is it better than sex? Well I guess that depends on who you are doing it with.

5. BECCA Champagne Pop

I love to glow. I love to sparkle. I love Champagne Pop. In fact I love it so much that the other night before I went out with friends I went around with my Champagne Pop and popped every single member of the group. We popped. We sparkled. The light hit our cheekbones like sunlight hitting the horns of 1 million unicorns. We were goddesses.  Yes it is pricey- but can you put a price on perfection?? I think not.

6. Maybelline Color 24 hour Tattoo Metal.

These little pots of goodness are easy to apply, last forever and come in a great range of colours. Use as a base, or alone. Did I mention they are cheap?? You can buy one in every colour. Which maybe I have.....

That's it! My loves for the time being. 

Don't forget to pay my Youtube channel a visit to see my make up tutorials

                                    

Here is a little link in case you have not bookmarked my page. Even if you don't want to watch them maybe just hit play and then walk away. A view is a view.

xxx

No matter how bad your life is... I can make you feel better.

I am starting this blog with a disclaimer. I am currently sitting poolside at a Villa in Bali where I have done nothing for the last three days but swim, have massages, eat amazing food and drink. And did I mention the part about drinking.

The reason I tell you this is because this blog is about not matter how bad your life is right now- I take you shit and I up you my shit. I hope you are sitting down. 

With out delving too much into my back story lets just say the last 18 months have been "testing", or maybe as I like to call it the 18 months of losing pretty much everything- my dream job, my marriage, my ability to do my most favourite thing in the world which is actually running (not drinking- thank God I can still do that), my football team is playing shit and lets not even start on the "new and improved" BBQ shapes formula. I have actually learnt to roll with the punches quite well and learnt to laugh. In fact when people are ask how things are my standard answer is always " You don't want to know."
So lets fast forward to the last three weeks. It goes like this...

1. I go to the Dr. He tells me that now I am 45  I need a health check. And then he put on a "health plan" for my chronic illness (what illness? Old age?) 

2. I had to go and had my bloods done- which I told him " No need! I have been tested for every ailment under the sun in the search for the solution to the forever fractured leg" OR SO I THOUGHT. Fast forward to getting the results to find out I have border line diabetes AND high cholesterol. 

3. He told me I need to " re assess "my diet which by this stage he is convinced consists solely of Mc Donalds twice a day washed down with copious amounts large caramel lattes topped with cream. After I had a mild hysterical break down he talked me off the ledge in his smoother than milk chocolate African voice and told me that if I wasn't surviving on that diet I just had a defective body that had lost the ability to process food. His solution was for me to use my Nutri Bullet (he fell on the floor laughing when he realised I was the only white woman in the world not to own one " What do you mean you have no nutri bullet?? How do you drink your smoothies?" " I don't like smoothies". ' But you white??!!!???" Ok- he may not have said that last bit but I could see he was thinking it) and eradicate anything that resembles food out of my diet. At this stage we may have had a bit of a fight. It was like a scene out of My 600lb Life. I started to sulk and say things like " I don't like bananas" "Texture makes me gag", and when he said that lions only eat once a fortnight I told him that this was the reason that they kill people. Because they are fucking hungry. Then I relented and said I would try his dumb diet, because I know it wasn't going to work. I was looking forward to coming back and telling him his South African witch doctor magic was crap. I also told him to not expect me to follow his dumb diet when I was in Bali. 


4. So my aim is to alkaline my body. I am only to drink a banana, spinach, lemon and raison smoothie until 4:30. And then it is no meat, no dairy and nothing fun for the rest of the day. I eat green and I spend my life ordering my coffee apologising for being a wanker and ordering a soy latte. The upside is I did lose some weight. And I felt better. And I didn't crave sugar. Or bread. Or food. The downside is I can never be far from a toilet. All those greens come out faster than they go in. 

I did cause some amusement to the kids I teach who all laughed and may have snapchatted me drinking my green smoothie and asking me daily where my baby poo drink was.

The second and most devastating event was.... I killed my most favourite thing in the world. My iphone. I had kept my shit together for 18 months. I drown my phone. I lose my shit. I think my son will never recover from seeing his mother hunched over the computer sobbing hysterically cradling my beloved phone wimpering "Come back... come back...." Just like Rose in Titanic.

This is me. Leo is my phone. New phone.... I will never let go.

                                 
Lets just say I have all the material I need for my next blog which should be 10 things to never say to someone who has killed their iphone. Lets just say for the record I know I shouldn't have put my drink bottle in my bag without checking it was shut properly. ( I know mum - seriously my generation ) I also know I should have plugged it back into the power until I had put it into rice for 24 hours. ( but could someone have told me that EARLIER??). 

So as I am attempting to make sense of my world at the moment and believe everything is a lesson these are the things I have learnt

1.Don't eat greasy Chinese after you have had a week of alkaling your body. And if you do make sure the toilet is no more than 10 steps away.

2. Don't be lazy and not back up your phone for a year because you can't be bothered walking up the stairs. You will lose all your data and every photo you have taken for the last 12 months.

3. Nutri bullets are actually pretty good and life changing. And they make the most amazing Espresso Martini slushies, and don't even start me on the strawberry daiquiri

4. The grief you feel when you kill you iphone is real. And it hurts.

5. Things can always get worse.

How to organise a week of clothes.

So last time I talked about clothes, I told you about how I was in a rut. I was wearing the same thing all the time. So since then I have managed to mix things up- well on the week days anyway. Week ends I am still firmly in the "active wear whoops I forgot to have a shower and there is no point because it is nearly time to put my pyjamas on so why bother" frame of mind.

I would call this a grown up dress. Not overly practical in my line of work. I found this on ASOS and it was under $100.

I'm not sure about you but week mornings are hectic. Some mornings after I exercise I have 25 minutes to get my self ready, put my make up on, wake up my daughter, feed my animals and make breakfast. There is no time to stand in the shower and decided what I will wear. So as much as I hate to admit it- I plan my outfits roughly a week in advance. This is what I do.

1. Plan what my exercise routine will be. At this stage it is Monday, Wednesday and Friday's are a spin class. This means I will be home at 7- so I have 30 mins to get ready. Tuesday and Thursdays I swim. This means I will be home by 6:30 but it also means I will have to wash my hair. This is a process- that takes a bloody long time. 

This is more what I would wear. Stripes dress it up- and pants are practical.

2. Check the weather for the week. At the moment it is Winter and where I work it gets really, really cold. So I work out what will suit the weather. This week is going to be bloody freezing and wet- so all crappy. This means I will have to wear lots of layers- thick socks under boots, singlets, fleecy stockings- then I can wear "normal" clothes and a coat. Also if it wet this means I will wear my hair up- because it will just go frizzy.

3. Work out what you have on for the week. I have duty on a Tuesday so I walk around so comfy shoes are in order. Thursday and Fridays I teach the least, but I do lots of walking around, but as I'm not teaching it also means I won't be doing any work where there is a chance I might have to climb under tables, or move stuff so I can wear dresses.  I also have two meetings this week with important people so I will pull out my " I'm a teacher who is also a member of the Board so I am very grown up dress". I also see if I'm going out after work- so my outfit can go from school to work.

This would be my Friday look. Same pants as with the stripes but I black t-shirt. I would have a singlet underneath and thick socks with some boots. I would also have either a denim jacket or a long line cardy. Also throw on a scarf for some colour.

4. Go on the internet and get some outfit ideas. This can come from Pinterest, magazine sites, wherever. You can look for things you already have and see what you can mix them up with.

Now I am not that organised that I write down my outfits, but I have a good visual image, so come the morning all I need to do is have my shower and then grab my outfit. 

Done, done and DONE.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 6. With Spoilers.

I forgot to blog about the last episode of Game of Thrones. There is a very good reason for that. Because it was very, very forget-able. And not just because Jon Snow did not appear in the episode.  This episode left me feeling a little sad. Because it was crap. I felt like it was really beginning to show that the books have run out. But luckily I have watched this weeks episode and we are back on track. Especially the bit when..... JOKING! You won't get any spoilers until at least Thursday.

Act 1. The poor love is now in charge of dragging bloody Bran, now that poor Hodor came to an untimely end holding the door. She gets attack by the bloody white walkers, but then a man on a horse comes up and saves them. Now just between you and me I really think Bran would want to start doing something pretty special because he is becoming a bit of a dead weight. All he does is dream weird stuff and he is just causing trouble left, right and centre.

Act 2. Sam and Gilly and little Sam are in a carriage and are going to Sam's parents house. Meeting the in laws never goes well, especially when you have eloped and you find out they live in a really big castle. I am starting to question why poor Sam wanted to live with Jon Snow. Oh hang on- I just answered my own question. Needless to say- Sam's mum and sister are ace and his dad is mean, hates Widlings and the only thing he hates more than Wildlings is Sam. Sam gets mad and steals his dad's sword and runs off with Gilly. And Sam's dad is in so much trouble because Sam's mum stormed off. 

Sam's house. Told you he is rich

Act 3. Margaery has decided she has found God which stops her from having to do the walk of shame. I'm sure you could hear men everywhere crying over that one, because they thought they were going to see her naked. She then convinces her little King husband to find God as well. He agrees even though Margaery now has to wear really ugly clothes, but at least they didn't cut her hair.

Act 4 Arya is at the play again and is getting ready to poison the lady and then she decides she likes the lady, and she is Arya Stark and not the girl with no name and she decides to no longer be an assassin and finds her sword. The girl who has been mean to her, asks the man who looks like Jesus if she can kill Arya and he says " Sure- why not'. 

Act 5 This bit is weird. This is where Marg is meant to do her nudey run but insteads tells everyone that she has found God. Jamie Lannister has finally got to turn up on his white horse and rides up the stairs but then he finds out they don't want saving and then he has to ride down the bloody stairs again. He is pissed. So is the little King who than banishes Uncle/Dad Jamie.

Jamie the King Slayer looking rather handsome in his white horse.

Act 6- Sersi is quite angry and is finally realising that maybe her parenting skills where not on point. She gives Jamie a speech about going to find a wet fish and steal their Castle. Then they kiss and cuddle like no brother and sister ever should. (if you know what I mean).

Act 7 - Bran finally wakes up and the guy on the horse whips of his scarf and ....... I have no idea who it is but apparently it is his Uncle who we met in Season 1.

Act 8- We haven't had any bad CGI for a while- so here is the chance. Everyones favourite Mother of Dragons is walking with all her people  (well they are walking she is on a white horse- just like Jamies )and then she sees the wind and realises it's her dragon. She walks off and then comes back in on her dragon and gives a talk about how she is the Queen and blah, blah, blah. They cheer. Because of course they do. She is on a freaking dragon. Who is going to disagree with her.

Thats the end. No Jon Snow. 

So here is a pic to tide you over.

Shaving your face is a thing ladies.

I have had a very boring weekend. So boring that I was looking forward to going back to work. And I have never said that. Ever.

So I did what everyone does when they have a boring weekend. I ate crunchy nut cornflakes and watched youtube tutorials. Well I also tried to film my own tutorial but I had a few too many red wines and completely messed up the smokey eye. I know it is meant to look messily tidy but this was messy messy. Lining your eyeball is not part of the technique apparently.

So watching the tutorials I came across the latest "trend". Shaving the face. For girls. Mmmm.

I have read about this before. A couple of years ago one of the ladies from Housewives of New Jersey was talking about how she did it. The I say an article which talked about the reason that mens skin was so soft was because they shaved everyday so it was really exfoliated.
Then I also remembered reading about the bearded lady at the circus.

 So shaving your face is not just a case of grabbing the old bic razor. You use products that look like this.

and have names like Tinkle (you can get these on ebay)

So what will shaving your face do for you? Well apparently it WILL make your foundation go on more smoothly and it will look flawless. According to the article I read it will NOT make the hair grow back darker or thicker.

Apparently this trend is not new, Marilyn Monroe was doing it, and it is so big in Japan that there are salons that specialise in it.

So if you are considering getting out the razor have a read of this article first- it seemed the most balanced and honest, also have a look at this video

                          

So will I be shaving my face? Hell no- I don't have time to make myself a piece of vegemite toast in the morning, let alone add another step into my beauty routine. But if you decide to go the shaved route- let me know.

Game of Thrones. I love you but don't get you. WITH SPOILERS

I love Game of Thrones. Like really, really love. But I have a confession. Half the time I have no bloody idea what the hell is going on.
I have always known this, and I watch with Google next to me. But this week was a game (no pun intended- or was it??) changer. I was so confused.
Here is my disclaimer. There are spoilers ahead. If you don't want spoilers get your shit together and keep up. Don't tell me " NO DON"T TELL ME!" and then when I ask you what episode you are up to you say "Season 2." No excuse.  I repeat. YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SPOILERS.

Just like Jon Snow. I know nothing.

Act 1- Sansa is making a coat for Jon (as would Sansa, as would I). Then she gets a message from Little Finger (who I find strangely attractive). She goes off and sees him. Just like that. Like she has ubered a horse and off she goes. Ummmm it took you 6 season to find Jon Snow and getting to Jons house was really dangerous. But you can just jump in an Uber- meet Little Finger (who for the record I am putting it out there.... I THINK IS YOUR DAD) tell him about how awful Ramsey is and then get home in time to finish hand sewing Jon's coat.

Act 2 - Arya Stark (whose name everyone pronounces differently- even her siblings) is still doing that dumb shit about being faceless. WHYYYYYYY? We all know who the girl is. Or is she just confused because no one pronounces her name right? Is that why she feels like no one? All she bloody does is get hit by that really mean girl and then Jesus keeps talking about no faces and sends her off to kill people and watch a play that sum up 6 seasons of Game of Thrones in 5 minutes. Seriously Arya there is no reason to train to be an assassin- leave it to the script writers. They will all be dead soon. Who was it you were trying to kill anyway? Even Google has forgotten.

Act 3- Back to Bran- who by now I wish was still missing. His flash back dreams are confusing the hell out of me and now he is surrounded by these dumb arse goblins (when did we meet them?) who made up the White Walkers? Huh? What?

Act 4 - The crew of the Black Pearl are waiting for the call up for Pirates of the Caribbean Part 24. While they are still in costume the Producers decide to write them in as members of the kingdom of some dirty smelling sea place. The only highlight is poor whats his face who got his you know what cut off by Ramsey running off with his sister with the boats so they are all on set for when Johnny Depp needs the money to pay off Amber Heard in the divorce.

Act 5- That good looking old guy who looks like Robert Redford (honestly what is his characters name and where did he come from? I know he was there at the start but like seriously - who the hell are you????) asks Daenerys what is a good moisturiser to use on his very dry skin because he noticed last week when she was starkers that her skin was smooth as a babies bottom. She sent him off to find a Priceline to get some Nivea. I hope she remembered to give him her Priceline card.

Act 6- Tyrian talks to a new red witch who I thought was the old red witch (haha- see what I did there old? because she is old when she takes the necklace off) but she is not the old red witch. There are like lots of them. She told the gossipy gay man( I am not judging- I love a good gossipy gay man) stuff which I didn't understand.  

Act 7- Bran is still being a smart arse teenager and is doing what he has been told not to by the old man stuck in the tree and time travels- and meets the white walker who grabs his arm. Then Bran wakes up the old guy in the tree who is really, really mad and talks to him like I talk to one of my students when I have told them not to do something which they go ahead and do anyway.

Act 8 - Sansa, Jon Snow and all their friends play monopoly. Other stuff may have happened but Jon Snow was in the scene so I wasn't paying attention. I was side tracked by how well he is wearing his half up man bun.Then he and Sansa chatted while the other Night Watchers exploded bean bags and those balls went everywhere. And he said thanks for the coat. Although to be honest I think he was thinking ' Bloody hell just lost that friggin black crow coat and now this- has no one heard of microfibre???"

Act 9- The Head White Walker finds Bran (which isn't hard because he like... can't walk) gets found by the very tall white walker with the cast of zombies from Pirates of the Caribbean who are waiting for the call up as well (see act 4). The little pixies get killed which is a bit crappy because they made them because they thought the humans where shit (bet they are regretting that move). The girl who I swear is the same girl who wants to be queen of the smelling sea people runs off with Bran who won't for the love of God wake up ( typical friggin teenagers). She tells Hodor to " HOLD THE DOOR". Bran is dreaming of Hodor as a child having a fit yelling " Hold the door" which turns into " Hodor"- which to be honest is a bit of a stretch -and by now I'm so confused about the whole time travel thing that I forget to cry when Hodor get totally smashed by the white walkers. And died. As did his dog.

Exhausted and confused all I can say is. I BLOODY LOVE THIS SHOW.

Until Monday Jon Snow. Until Monday.

Who wakes up from being dead looking like this??