2017-does that mean it is safe to come out now???

Thank God it is 2017! I case you haven't noticed 2016 will not go down in history as one of the best years of my life. It seemed I went from one shit situation to another. You know things are bad when a parking inspector who is giving you a ticket (as you leave your psych's office) says " Geez love- I hope I'm your rock bottom." For the record he WASN'T. EVEN. CLOSE.

So when It was when I was  busy feeling sorry for my self, sorry reflecting, on the year that was I decided that as not all of 2016 was that bad. Because something good always comes out of something bad. So here is my list of the good things that came out of crap.

1. My faith in my friends was reaffirmed. My friends have been the bomb this year. I love them even more than I did before.

2. I reconnected with old friends. This has been an absolute highlight. It is amazing how you can have no contact for 10 years and then "bam" they are back and as much fun as ever.

3. I realised that going to get help in any form is good. I have seen both a psychologist and a psychic medium/healer this year. All were blunt, all forced me to look at my own issues (WTF-me issues??) and all made me feel hopeful, and hopefully a better person.

4. I realised that I deal with my feelings in many ways- I ate my feelings, I drank my feelings, I shopped my feelings, and I tried to ignore my feelings. None of them worked. They all caught up with me in the end.

5. I realised that sometimes you have just got to do what ever gets you through your day. For me this was smoking. A bad habit to revisit, but it made me sit still for 5 minutes, something I was incapable of doing.

6. I understood that healing is up and down. You think you have it sorted and are back and then you wake up the next day and all is crap again. Crying Monday was a favourite of mine. Not so much my friend who drove to work with me on Mondays.

7. I realised how badly some wives/girlfriends speak to their husbands. Seriously. When you don't have a partner and hear how some women bark at the men in their lives (especially at the supermarket) it's like "holy shit- calm the fuck down ladies". Men will never understand the importance of placing the groceries in a specific order at the register. As bizarre as that is... deal with it.

8. I learnt I could leave the house without mascara and lipgloss, I could just chuck my hair in a pony tail and I could carry an extra 5kgs and the world didn't fall to pieces. The same couldn't be said for my jumpsuit which I could get on but had to cut to get off.

9. I discovered the joy in being able to help out others who found themselves in a similar situation to mine. We were a little support group- and we all managed to make a little sunshine in each others lives.

10. I learnt how important it is to be kind. Everyone is going through their own shit. And while it may not be really earth shattering things like famine, war or not having the right outfit to wear - it is still shit.

10 b. You don't have to be happy all the time. I know right!!! When I heard someone say this it was like a light bulb. We are all striving to be happy all the time, and this is what is making us not happy. Some days you are majorly happy, others sad, others miserable and sometimes you just "are". And that's ok.



So there you have it. My lotus that came out of the muddy shit view of 2016. Thank you to everyone who supported me through the year and also to all the lovely people who have been reading my blog this year while I have pretty much been out of action. I promise this year I will try harder. 2017 is going to be amazing.

Make Up for summer is looking fresh.

Exciting news everyone- it is time to step away from the heavy contour and put down the false eyelashes! Make up is about to change, and just in time for summer.

Summer- we want to look like Margot Robbie.

The makeup for Summer is natural, fresh and glowy. Which let's face it is a blessing for anyone over 30- because all that heavy make up can make you look like a drag queen.

Foundation needs to be fresh- a BB Cream is perfect for this. You don't want to not look like you have plastered on your foundation.  BB Cream with some concealer where you need it can be a great option to a heavy foundation especially during the day when it seems to slide off your face.

Get yourself some blush- yes blush. It can be a natural brown, or a pretty pink, but you want some colour in those cheeks. Don't forget about liquid blush as well. This can be a great option.

Nars Orgasm. An oldie but a goodie.

Your lips can be still be nude, but your nude is going to be less opaque nude to almost a plain gloss. You could also put on a pink, or head for a magenta if you feel the need for a bright. According to one website I read they said that obviously lined lips was going to be a hit for summer. As someone who has lived through the 80's I'm not sure this is a trend I want to relive. But I would be grabbing my MAC Spice lipliner and Mac Pure Zen Lipstick as my essentials.

Your eyes need to be bright- so either go easy on the eyeshadow so your eyes shine through, get bright colours happening so you look like you have stepped out of a WHAM music video from the 80's, or get a beautiful olive green. You can still line with some liquid liner- but make it very fine. Lashes - just get a really good mascara. No need for the fake lashes.

Your brows are still need and well defined- but not too defined. No more dark caterpillars.

You can still contour- but you want it to look natural. Aim for a more shimmer highlighter and if it is rose gold- that is even better. If you still like a bit of contour on your cheeks make sure you blend.

Finally it is all about nails. Still a natural length, but crazy patterns and colour. I will not be doing crazy patterns and colour because I don't have time for that nonsense. But stick on nail polish is a great option. Head over here to Jamberry to have a look at the selection of stick on nail polish.

Finally you need to finish off your look with a tan. I love a good tan, and I do love a bit of sun, but I must admit in this day and age fake tan away. I'm looking a rather delightful shade of tan at the moment, due to my Bondi Sands gradual tan which I apply every second night and  the Bondi Sands dry oil which I put on with the mitt once a week.

Hair- lets go for some soft waves, half up/down do, a messy bun or pony tail or if all else fails- lets go for a braid. 

So there you have it- everything you need for a beautiful summer.

So did you hear the one about when I ran away from home?

                                      


So I have had a rather difficult year. Well to be perfectly honest it has been 18 months, but thats beside the point. So my difficult year reached a rather large climax about 4 weeks ago. That was when I realised that I could run from my issues but I couldn't hide. Sort of like when you think you are getting away with your midnight chocolate binge eating and then...bam.. almost over night you wake up and you break the zip on your skinny jeans.

In my mind I thought " I want to run away." I often think things like that but I never do it. But on this occasion I thought " Stuff it. I'm running away." I ignored my inner sensible side and booked my ticket before I could talk myself out of it. I was doing it. I was running away on my own. To Bali. (Well on my own but with a safety net of having friends who were going to be there as well).

The reception was mixed, but most people who had witnessed the great downfall of Emma first hand were very supportive. I was excited but absolutely terrified. I have never been away on my own. Yep at 45 this was my maiden voyage alone. So I made myself some rules ( because I'm a teacher- thats what I do.)

1. I had to spend every day alone
2. I had to engage in some sort of therapy each day
3. I was only allowed to "think about my problems" for 30 minutes a day
4. I could only go anywhere I could walk- no further
5. I was allowed to go out at night time (that was my favourite rule).

So early on a  Saturday morning I found myself at the airport. I checked in, went through customs bought my bottle of vodka, went to the bar and got myself a champagne (yes it was 6am but I was on holidays) sat down and burst into tears. It was the first of many occasions that I burst into tears with no idea why.

So I get to Bali.. find my driver (Pete amazing driver) get to my  hotel (The Ossotel- amazing) check in.. and then walked in to my first massage. A singing bowl- also amazing. I was early so I stopped in at my favourite pork bun restaurant and had a strawberry daiquiri (yes it was amazing).

And so the the next 6 days followed. I balanced my chakras, I hot rocked my back, I refelxologied my feet, and I balinese massaged my soul. I walked a lot, mostly along the beach, I looked at sunsets, I slept- in fact I slept a lot. Once day I only woke up to have lunch and then went back to sleep until 6pm. I had to explain to the Balinese a lot that I only wanted a table for 1 
(" what ? Just you? "
 "Yes just me."
 " No husband?" 
" No- no husband" 
 " Oh- I sorry").

I'm not going to lie. I also partied like a rock star. I was looked after by good friends, both old and new- I drank lots of frozen strawberry daiquiris, Jim Beam ( no- I didn't know I liked it either), Espresso martinis and bintangs. I ate nasi goreng, spring rolls and delightful chicken Gordon Blue (thats what the called it on the menu), and if the evidence on my bedside table was anything to go by a bowl of 2 minute noodles. 

I walked home laughing in the pouring rain with friends as we made our way through dodgy laneways that were flooded up to our knees. I got scooter rides home at 2am through the deserted streets of Seminyak. And I laughed. I laughed so much at times my stomach would hurt and my face would ache.  I would catch myself during the day smiling. Like resting smiling face. I must have been doing it a lot because a lady staying at the hotel walked past me and said " You must be having a lovely holiday- because you always look so happy."

By the final day I realised that I had followed all my rules except for the third one. That is "thinking about my problems for 30 minutes a day". Because by day 6 I realised I hadn't thought about my problems at all. Because I realised that what I had been thinking of as problems weren't actually problems. They were my life. My new life. One that I hadn't planned on, but the one that I have got. 

On my final day in Bali I wished two friends goodbye over final bintangs in the bar, I walked my final sunset beach walk to a friends hotel where we met other friends and had final drinks and dinner at sunset. As the sun came down and the musical duo played cheesey love songs I walked down to the ocean and found myself ending the holiday as I started it. By spontaneously bursting into tears. But this time I knew what these tears were. They were tears of happiness, they were tears of relief and they were tears of a repaired soul.  But most importantly they were tears of confidence that I could do this on my own and it was all going to be ok. 

So did you hear the one about when I ran away from home? Except it wasn't me that ran away from home. 

It was me who finally came home.

A letter to my 13 year old self

Hi Em,

Well look at you- what a cute chubby 13 year old you are living in Tropical North Queensland which is doing nothing for you hair. Don't get it cut short. It will be a disaster. Trust me.

So here I am at 45 giving you some advice on what is to come. And in true fashion of your life it is one of extremes. Your life is either amazingly fantasticically awesome or it is shit. There is no inbetween for you because that is how you roll.

So the good news. You will have three amazing children who will be by far your most amazing achievement. You will love them and be so amazingly proud of them as they become adults that this will make up for all the other shit that goes down. You are also blessed with a pretty awesome family who will always be there for you and will love you no matter what. And mum will still continue to growl at you- even when you are 45. 

You will be surrounded by wonderful supportive friends. You will do well choosing the people that come into your life. And luckily for you the friends you make will be friends for life. They will be there for you because trust me there are going to be time when you will really need them!

You will end up with a job that you love (at times). And you know how your mum and dad make fun of all the TV and movies you watch and say that if only you put that much attention into school? Don't worry about it- you are going to teach that shit so it is actually part of your education.

So for the not so great news. Em - your life is going to challenge you. A lot. You will unfortunately battle on and off through out your life with anxiety and depression. Just a word of advice. Don't wait so long to get medicated. It's just one small tablet. It is not a sign of weakness or failure. They will make your life better. I promise.

You know how that doctor told you that you are fat? Well because of that motherfucker you will battle with body issues for all of your life. You will always struggle with your body image. If I could go back in time I wish I could change that for you, because you are going to spend far too much time worry and obsessing about it. You will at times in your life be very skinny and you will be fat. And to be honest your actual weight will never change who you are or your happiness.

You know those dreams you have of finding your one true love and living happily ever after? I'm sorry but it ain't going to happen (well it hasn't so far and it may not ever).  It will be hard because you will always be a hopeless romantic who believes in love. And your heart is going to be smashed. Into tiny little pieces. It is going to be a struggle and you are really going to have a very tough time. You will, on the outside, make jokes and smile a lot and actually function quite well but those who know you well will see that your sparkle has gone. You are going to lose interest in every thing that you love, and you won't be able to focus on anything.  You will drink too much and you will start smoking again ( but hopefully that will be temporary). It is going to make you question every thing about you, and make you ask why are you never enough. I don't have the answers for you on that one but hopefully one day we will be enough for someone. 

The good news is that very slowly you will start coming back. You will start seeing sunshine, and when you laugh you will genuinely mean it. For every step forward you make, you will make two back, but very slowly the pain will go and you will start to rebuild. You will be damaged, and I hope that one day that will also go. I hope it doesn't make you bitter and I hope you will one day dismantle that brick wall you have built around your poor precious shattered heart. You will actually start to enjoy time on your own. Just try not to think too much. And try not to be so angry. It doesn't do any good and angry is not who you are.

Em-You have so much to look forward too. You are going to make mistakes, well ok lots of mistakes, but you will also do lots of things right. But above all things- you are going to be ok. Just be yourself, don't worry so much about trying to please other people. Embrace your family and friends - they are pretty cool people. Don't be so sensitive and don't take life so seriously. And never lose the ability to laugh at yourself because believe me you are going to need it. Trust me you are going to give yourself lots to laugh about. 

So my gorgeous girl- hang on tight - you are in for one hell of a ride. And remember to live by your favourite quote " Love and be loved. The rest will look after itself."

The Bachelor first recap of the season I will be calling " Richie is hot"

Omg - 2 minutes in and I am in love. Richie - if this gig doesn't work out for you and you would like to meet a delightful 45 year old who is pretty crap at marriage ( it would seem) give me a call. I can tell you now I am going to hate all these girls because Richie - you are the one for me. Richie also loves him mum, his sister and gazes longingly over bush landscapes. He also takes his top off. And he has muscles. Quite big muscles. And a six pack.

Here is Richie with no shirt

And he looks just as good in a suit.

My internet has is having buffering issues so I have forwarded to where the first two girls have arrived. I have just found out Richie loves camping and fishing and nature. Maybe don't call me Richie. The first annoying girl of the season arrives. Her name is Janey. She is the type of girl you really don't think exist as a grown up. But then grown up these days are hunting for Pokemons so what would I know. She dresses up as a Princess for kids parties. I want to punch her. Then she drops her shoe and blah, blah, blah.

                           Janey wants to be Cinderella.

We fast forward past some boring ones, and then we meet Eliza who is looking for her penguin. She is being sexy and sultry. She is annoying. She is singing. I'm dying. So is Richie. I hope she is drunk. Now my internet is not buffering again so I have no idea how many girls I have missed, but I'm sure if they are important I will see them again soon. We do however cut to the girls in the house having a bitch about the girl singing. There is a girl who looks like Lara Bingle.She must have entered whilst I was buffering. I think I'm going to like her, but I hope she loses the choker.

This is Lara Bingle. Sorry Keira.

Back to Richie and a girl has just given him bacon roses, and another girl has just asked Richie if he is shitting himself. And then the streaming cut out and a message came on my screen that said this...

                        I feel my computer is judging me.

I have now jumped to the cocktail party. This is this but where the girls try and nab Richie for a little chat and those who aren't chatting are plotting to go and interrupt the chatters. They are all a bit blah until one has to tell Richie some really important news. Oh God! What is it? She has cancer? Oh no - she has a child. Just as Richie is trying to "process" the info they get interrupted.

He is chatting to Lara Bingle, she wants the white rose, the girl (Eliza)is still singing (I think she is the bat shit crazy one) the others are bitching, my internet fucks up again and then someone called Tiffany is getting a red rose. Vintaea is talking about how her earrings are as heavy as fuck, Meagan realises she hasn't chatted to Richie, so she dives in they both feel they have a connection, a girl tries to cut in and RITCHIE SENDS HER AWAY!!! He then gets Meagan a rose. The girls reckon is just because she has big boobs. Then he goes and get the white rose. OMG. OMG. OH MY GOD...the bloody single mum nabbed it. Why didn't the others think of that sooner?

Rose ceremony. Osher arrives and he is looking buff. 18 girls... 16 roses.... pressure is on. Time to play "connection bingo". Every time someone says connection you drink. Lara Bingle gets the last rose, two girls who I don't remember go home. Let the games begin.

My make up I love you(s)

I haven't done a blog on my latest make up loves for a while so I thought there is no time like the time when you are lying on a daybed in a tropical paradise to create my list of loves. So here goes.....

1. NYX Lip Butter Glosses.
Since the shock of learning I have the cholesterol levels of a McDonalds addict these lip butters are the closest I get to the creamy buttery goodness of butter. Lucky these babies are filling the void. They are creamy, luxurious, awesome colours and did I mention cheap??? I get mine at Target, and I have Creme Brulee, Eclair and Sugar Cookie. They are so cheap there is no excuse not to pop one in your trolley when you do you weekly shop. Wear alone for a sheer gloss or with a lip liner for a longer lasting colour.

2. MAC Paint Pot in Soft Ochre.

You know when you have so much to do that you watch Make Up Tutorials on Youtube and you see them all banging on about a product and think - " Mmmmm it can't be that good, and why is the toilet not cleaning itself?" Well this is that good. A perfect base for eyeshadows or worn alone to smooth out the colour of the eye this stuff is as good as they say. I have also been mixing it up and using this as a base and them putting a soft layer of NARS Orgasm Blush over the top.  BEWTIFUL.

3. MAC lipliners.

I love a good lip liner. I think it is because my lips are lopsided. And also because in my real life job as a teacher the kids always tell me when my lipstick has worn off. So I always, always, always line my lips and fill in the whole lip before I lipstick or gloss. MAC are the best. End of story. The End. The essentials are always SOAR and WHIRL, but added to my list of must haves is now Subcultured, Boldly Bared, Dervish, OH Honey! and Spice. Sometime when I am feeling a little bit lazy and can't be bothered rummaging through my lipglosses I will just line my lips with Whirl or Soar and then fill in with Oh Honey! The most amazing nude lip and man does it last.

4. Mascaras.

You know I can never just pick one so here are my current "I can't live without you" mascaras

L'Oreal Volumious Million Lashes Waterproof Mascara. This stuff is perfect for you vacation or for anyone who is lazy and can't be bothered taking off and reapplying their mascara. This baby does not budge. And you do look like you have a million lashes

Too Faced Better than Sex - This stuff makes you lashes look freaking amazing. But I do have an issue. It does tend to smudge a bit and I can look like an emo by the end of the day. I'm going to try the waterproof next to see if it solves my smudging issue, but the result is so good I'm willing to spend my days wiping my eyes. 

Better than Sex Mascara. Is it better than sex? Well I guess that depends on who you are doing it with.

5. BECCA Champagne Pop

I love to glow. I love to sparkle. I love Champagne Pop. In fact I love it so much that the other night before I went out with friends I went around with my Champagne Pop and popped every single member of the group. We popped. We sparkled. The light hit our cheekbones like sunlight hitting the horns of 1 million unicorns. We were goddesses.  Yes it is pricey- but can you put a price on perfection?? I think not.

6. Maybelline Color 24 hour Tattoo Metal.

These little pots of goodness are easy to apply, last forever and come in a great range of colours. Use as a base, or alone. Did I mention they are cheap?? You can buy one in every colour. Which maybe I have.....

That's it! My loves for the time being. 

Don't forget to pay my Youtube channel a visit to see my make up tutorials

                                    

Here is a little link in case you have not bookmarked my page. Even if you don't want to watch them maybe just hit play and then walk away. A view is a view.

xxx

No matter how bad your life is... I can make you feel better.

I am starting this blog with a disclaimer. I am currently sitting poolside at a Villa in Bali where I have done nothing for the last three days but swim, have massages, eat amazing food and drink. And did I mention the part about drinking.

The reason I tell you this is because this blog is about not matter how bad your life is right now- I take you shit and I up you my shit. I hope you are sitting down. 

With out delving too much into my back story lets just say the last 18 months have been "testing", or maybe as I like to call it the 18 months of losing pretty much everything- my dream job, my marriage, my ability to do my most favourite thing in the world which is actually running (not drinking- thank God I can still do that), my football team is playing shit and lets not even start on the "new and improved" BBQ shapes formula. I have actually learnt to roll with the punches quite well and learnt to laugh. In fact when people are ask how things are my standard answer is always " You don't want to know."
So lets fast forward to the last three weeks. It goes like this...

1. I go to the Dr. He tells me that now I am 45  I need a health check. And then he put on a "health plan" for my chronic illness (what illness? Old age?) 

2. I had to go and had my bloods done- which I told him " No need! I have been tested for every ailment under the sun in the search for the solution to the forever fractured leg" OR SO I THOUGHT. Fast forward to getting the results to find out I have border line diabetes AND high cholesterol. 

3. He told me I need to " re assess "my diet which by this stage he is convinced consists solely of Mc Donalds twice a day washed down with copious amounts large caramel lattes topped with cream. After I had a mild hysterical break down he talked me off the ledge in his smoother than milk chocolate African voice and told me that if I wasn't surviving on that diet I just had a defective body that had lost the ability to process food. His solution was for me to use my Nutri Bullet (he fell on the floor laughing when he realised I was the only white woman in the world not to own one " What do you mean you have no nutri bullet?? How do you drink your smoothies?" " I don't like smoothies". ' But you white??!!!???" Ok- he may not have said that last bit but I could see he was thinking it) and eradicate anything that resembles food out of my diet. At this stage we may have had a bit of a fight. It was like a scene out of My 600lb Life. I started to sulk and say things like " I don't like bananas" "Texture makes me gag", and when he said that lions only eat once a fortnight I told him that this was the reason that they kill people. Because they are fucking hungry. Then I relented and said I would try his dumb diet, because I know it wasn't going to work. I was looking forward to coming back and telling him his South African witch doctor magic was crap. I also told him to not expect me to follow his dumb diet when I was in Bali. 


4. So my aim is to alkaline my body. I am only to drink a banana, spinach, lemon and raison smoothie until 4:30. And then it is no meat, no dairy and nothing fun for the rest of the day. I eat green and I spend my life ordering my coffee apologising for being a wanker and ordering a soy latte. The upside is I did lose some weight. And I felt better. And I didn't crave sugar. Or bread. Or food. The downside is I can never be far from a toilet. All those greens come out faster than they go in. 

I did cause some amusement to the kids I teach who all laughed and may have snapchatted me drinking my green smoothie and asking me daily where my baby poo drink was.

The second and most devastating event was.... I killed my most favourite thing in the world. My iphone. I had kept my shit together for 18 months. I drown my phone. I lose my shit. I think my son will never recover from seeing his mother hunched over the computer sobbing hysterically cradling my beloved phone wimpering "Come back... come back...." Just like Rose in Titanic.

This is me. Leo is my phone. New phone.... I will never let go.

                                 
Lets just say I have all the material I need for my next blog which should be 10 things to never say to someone who has killed their iphone. Lets just say for the record I know I shouldn't have put my drink bottle in my bag without checking it was shut properly. ( I know mum - seriously my generation ) I also know I should have plugged it back into the power until I had put it into rice for 24 hours. ( but could someone have told me that EARLIER??). 

So as I am attempting to make sense of my world at the moment and believe everything is a lesson these are the things I have learnt

1.Don't eat greasy Chinese after you have had a week of alkaling your body. And if you do make sure the toilet is no more than 10 steps away.

2. Don't be lazy and not back up your phone for a year because you can't be bothered walking up the stairs. You will lose all your data and every photo you have taken for the last 12 months.

3. Nutri bullets are actually pretty good and life changing. And they make the most amazing Espresso Martini slushies, and don't even start me on the strawberry daiquiri

4. The grief you feel when you kill you iphone is real. And it hurts.

5. Things can always get worse.