Go snowboarding they said, it will be fun they said.

They lied.

I am a skier, albiet a very average skier, but when I hit the snow, I ski. Unfortunately my desire to appear cool means that when I heard that the snow was insane (see I'm a snowboarder now so I need to use the lingo. Man.) I made the bold statement that I would increase my swag factor, and jump on a board, and shred some powder.

This is obviously the before shot. Before I realised I was crap.

It started off promising because those snowboard people are clever and have made snow boarding boots comfortable. Anyone who has skied before will tell you that ski boots are like having hard plastic buckets attached to your feet. 

I was so excited as I walked towards the ski lift. I felt like I had become one of the cool kids as I walked dragging my board behind me. I looked at the skiers in their puffy coordinated outfits with pity at their ultimate uncoolness. I walked to my lesson where Tim my ultra cool boarding instructor was waiting (no middle aged ski instructor called Francois who had forgotten he was no longer hot for me!). Yep Tim was the man. Well boy. He used words like totally, awesome, and smiled the WHOLE time ("Man I'm doing what I want and my mum and dad haven't told me to get a real job yet- Why wouldn't I be smiling?" Well played Tim, well played).

Tim told us to grab our boards, strap our front foot in our bindings depending on if we were goofy or regular and skate to the hill. My confusion had begun. Who the hell was Goofy, what was a binding and I thought we were boarding not skating.  My blank expression must have told Tim all he needed to know. Bindings are what holds you boots to the board, skating is what you do when you move your board in the snow, Goofy is if you lead with you left foot as opposed to the regular right foot, and heading to the hill on your first lesson is just bloody stupid. 

I have done many things is my life that have been hard ( like having babies) but let me tell you- there is nothing harder that trying to push yourself up on a stupid board with both your feet strapped onto that board facing down the slope. You have to dig the board into the snow, but not too much or you will fall forward, and then lean back, but not enough that you fall flat on your butt. At this stage Tim is yelling instructions in his mellow 'Boarding is life" kind of way- 'Ok dig your toes in toe side and once you are up lean in hill side." Except he wasn't saying hill side, he was saying HEEL side, which makes far more sense and had I worked that earlier it may have created less confusion.

Lets just say lesson One was a disaster. I spent the whole lesson on my arse. Or my face. I wasn't deterred though. At that stage I was still delusional that I would get it after 2 lessons and would be shredding that powder with my hair floating in the wind behind me. Lesson Two confirmed to me two things. One is that I am crap, and two is that I am crap. I was looking at skiers realising that their smug looks where no one of " OMG I am never going to be as cool as those boarders," was actually a smug look of " Haha check out that middle aged women trying to chase her youth."

Lesson Three was having to go down a steep run. Well ok- a teeny tiny steep run. The run I was doing on the FIRST BLOODY DAY OF SKING. I have never been so scared in my life. I got up, started to move down the hill, and then fell flat on my face. I tried to get up, stuck my board in the snow and fell flat on my face. Again. Tried again. Fell flat on my butt ( I have the bruise on my arse to prove it.) Tried again. Fell on my knees ( I have the bruise to prove it). I lay on the snow. I refused to get up. Tim came over. " Hey Em- whats the matter man?" " Ummmm I tired, boarding is shit, I can't get up, and I want to ski.."

I can not and will not get up. EVER.

I was waiting for smiley Tim to say " Your doing great- this is hard." Instead he said." Yeah. Is it too late for you to change?" I looked at him with as much of a death look as you can with foggy googles on.

Tim came up with a solution. He held my hands all the way down the hill, him boarding backwards talking me down. Now although I was the envy of all the teenage girls in my group, I was still not entirely happy as the boys who were on the ski lift will verify when they yelled " Oh look at the love birds holding hands." I may or may not have yelled back " Shut up you little fuckers. Come back and see me when you are 43 and learning something new." This outburst resulted in Smiley Tim telling me " It's no wonder you are finding it hard, you are kind of old." If he wasn't holding both my hands and we weren't half way down the hill and I wasn't so terrified I would have wiped that smile right of his pretty face. 

Lesson Four was our last lesson. I managed to make it down the slope on my own, with Tim only holding my hands when he was trying to teach me to do some dumb turn which meant I had to turn around and go backwards for a little bit ( seriously was he freakin joking?). We tried it a few times, but after the fourth time when we ended up completely tangled in the snow even he gave up. I seriously tested that smile.

So here are some things I learnt from my snow holiday.

1. Snow boarding is really hard. 
2. No matter how much fresh snow there is, falling really hurts.
3. Lifting your self up and down really hurts.
4. No muscle in your body will not hurt.
5. You will not sleep. Because every time you roll over in bed you will wake yourself up because you are in pain.
6. Boarding makes you really, really, really tired.

This is what a day of snow boarding will do to you.

7. Boarding makes you cry.
8. Getting off ski lifts is really hard
9. Snow people are really happy.
10. No one looks good in a helmet 
11. -11.9 is really, really cold.
12.You must tie your hair up because it will freeze.
13. Ignore the little kids. Because they are really good. You will feel demoralised.
14. Take lots of nurofen plus to the snow. Seriously.
15. Take lots of wine to the snow. Seriously.
16. You will be really, really hungry.
17. You will understand why God invented Red Bull.
18.  Snow is good, Ice is just bloody annoying.
19. You will sing " Do you want to build a snow man."So don't bother trying to fight it.
20. There is nothing more satisfying than actually successfully boarding. Even if it is only for a few seconds.