Saturdays News

There is only one real news worthy story for today, but I will throw a couple of extras in anyway.

1. David Beckham and three of his beautiful children caught a plane. Oh and he fell of his motorbike and hurt his hand.

                        Can this family get any cooler?

                  OMG! She is just the cutest as a button


2. Justin Bieber proved once again that he is the douchiest douchbag by wearing a dumb hat.

Biebs you are not cool enough to pull off that hat

3. File this one under "someone got paid for that?" The CSRIO have done a study and found that people buy McDonalds when they are on the road, buy Dominos when they are with friends, and buy Hungry Jacks because they like the taste. I could have told them that for free, but I would have maybe said that they buy Maccas when they are hung over.

4. And finally Kim Kardashian has revealed that North (Nori) West likes to brush her own hair. 

Have a super day!

Todays news

I have scoured the internet to get you the best news stories over night. Obviously the new of the day is

1. Brad and Ange got married. In France with only 20 people. I wish I cared. I don't. I don't even care what she wore. But here is a pic of Brad wearing his wedding ring.

2. News has broken that Hello Kitty is not a cat. She is a little girl (that is the reason that she has a pet cat). This leaves me perplexed. What little girl has whiskers?

3. Aldi has banned the Roald Dahl book, Revolting Rhymes because they contain an  offensive word. I actually think that is the point. This is just plain silly. File this one under "calm down parents."

4.Apple have released a launch date for their iPhone 6, and rumours are abound that they will be releasing the iwatch. This news is especially exciting for my husband who has been walking around with a cracked screen for the last 4 months.

5. Kim Kardashian today wore black. And she went to the gym.

Have a great day!

The Bachelor- the one where a girl get laid.

Episode starts with the girls bitching about Jess. Again. Laurina's integrity has still not recovered.  Now for the record I heard Jess talking on the radio this morning and apart from sounding delightful, she said that this was not the first kiss on a Group Date, just the first that was filmed. Take that Laurina and Amber. 

Osher walks in sporting his casual elegance look and he has news! From Blake! He says be patient and he is making progress. At this stage I would be saying shove your progress where the sun don't shine buddy. Osher also drops some Blake mail. It is Dream Date time. It is Zoe. Again. And her date is on a boat. Again. They cruise under the harbour. Again. This is the best date she has ever been on. Again.  Look I am aware that the first boat date was with Louise, but same old, same old. Neither of them are going to nab Blake.

This is Zoe, she is a Pharmacist and is very boring, but she did get laid.

The get to the island. In the middle of the Harbour and Blake is dancing, very badly. Zoe gets laid by a lady.  Not that laid, the one where they put a lei around her neck. Apparently Zoe's wall is coming down. Just quietly her hem could do with some coming down. Blake is dancing again. Stop Blake please. Zoe tells Blake how she loves the sound of the ocean- even though she is in the Harbour. Zoe says that Blake feels they have a "connection". Then Blake says he has a really good connection with Zoe. I am sensing a connection. They have know spent about 10 minutes of air time talking about how Zoe has let her guard down. Yawn.

Back at the mansion it is group date Blake mail. YAY! It also seems to be the date where all the girls who have had very little air time are going. Except for Amber.She is going because that girl is trouble.With a capital T.

Back at the Vanuatu faux island in the middle of the Harbour, they are talking about love and I am not going to lie, I am finding Zoe and Blake about as interesting as watching the whole series of Lord of The Rings Movies. That is not interesting at all. Blake gives her a rose blah, blah, blah. Can we have the group date now please.

The girls walk past a van that says Simon Johnson, they also happen to be in the shop that says Simon Johnson. 

Just in case you missed it- We are at Simon Johnson- Providore of fine foods

 They also seem to be in the 1950's because the girls are baking Blake ( I am wearing my tightest blue sweater) a cake. Louise is happy because she is a baker.  Mary is not happy because she is a Carrie Bradshaw " I keep my clothes in the oven" kind of girl. Louis is teaching Lisa what to do. Sam is standing next to Louise, and Louise is helping Sam. I hope you are watching Blake.  Blake stands next to Kara, and I'm calling it. There is no connection AT ALL. In fact if they were any less connected Blake will be in the next room.

Amber is being naughty and daring the girls to turn off ovens. Sure enough someone has turned of Kara's oven. She accuses Amber, but Amber bluntly refuses and gets very offended that she would suggest such a thing, even though Amber herself was saying such a thing. I have just realised that Amber is a total bully. I always thought Canadians were peaceful kind people. Well except for Justin Bieber, but then has has never been the same since the drugs.

Back to the cakes, Mary's looks crap, so does Louise's, in fact they all look pretty shit, and I am even cake deprived! Blake walks in to see the fruit of his 1950's potential wives and he looks very disappointed. There is no wife material here!  I am actually starting to think that Blake is looking a tad bored.  Like really, really disinterested. And lets face it if you can't get excited about cake, what can you get excited about?

"Hi Girls- sorry I am late, Crazy night at the Casino."

Cocktail party time, or time for the girls to have a last minute bitch about each other before the rose ceremoooaaaany. Blake has come from his day job as a croupier at Star Casino, and takes bitch mole Jess out for a chat ( I like Jess, I am calling her a bitch mole because thats what the girls think, because they are bitch moles.With compromised integrity). He apologises to Jess about the kiss, Jess says she won't let it break her. You go girlfriend.

Jess and Blake are talking about their connection, or maybe it was chemistry. One or the other.

Back in the room the girls are chatting about how Amber has exposed herself. As an angry, aggressive Canadian from Canadia. Laurina is also following her script of being very judgemental. Lets just get this over and done with. Laurina bitches about Jess, Amber bitches about Laurina, someone is wearing a dress that is far too tight.

It is down to Amber and Kara. It's time to go.........Kara. Because watching you and Blake talk was painful. Nearly as painful as my now splinter free glued up foot is now. Until next week.... Just remember- you all look AMAZING. 

No need to read the news- here is all you need to know.

 

I know you are all very busy so I thought I would give you a recap of what I think are the most important new stories of the day.

1. The cast of Dancing With The Stars Australia has been announced. This is a surprise to me because I didn't realise the show was still going. The cast of D grade celebs for this year are Kyle Clarke( wife of Michael and child of parents who can't spell), April Rose Pengilly (daughter of the guy with glasses from Inxs) Rickie Lee (singer- will she only dance to her own songs?), Ashley Hart (model), Lynne McGranger (Irene from Home and Away) and Torah Bright. (Olympic snowboarder). The boys are Damon Sullivan (swimmer)  Paul Fenech (he is apparently an actor), Tail Hara (he is also apparently an actor), Matt Cooper (is apparently an NRL LEGEND), David Rotan (he is apparently and AFL LEGEND) and Mark Holden ( now he IS a deadset legend). I was going to Google what the actors have been in and who the sporting players played for, and then I realised I didn't care.

                                             Here is a snap of the girls looking.... all the same.

2. Lara Bingle has been snapped on holidays with her boyfriend Joel Edgerton / Sam Worthington (because I am convinced they are the same person) TOPLESS and NAKED. I am outraged. The nerve of this girl to get her gear off on an isolated beach with no one but an extremely large telegraphic lenses camera a kilometre away.

This is not her naked shot, but this will do.

 



3. A Panda in China is in trouble because she faked being pregnant to get more food. Well played Miss Panda, although I do question how an animal can trick humans into thinking they are pregnant. Did she vomit in the morning and complain of being tired all the time?

                     Hands up if you are a naughty Panda?

 
 

4. Kim Kardashian wore white for the .....SECOND DAY IN A ROW.

 

    This is Kim in the offensive colour repeater outfit.

 

5. Anna Wintour (editor of Vogue America and apparently the scariest lady in the world) has a $200k clothing allowance per year. That is a whole lot of Zara. That is a joke. She would never shop at Zara.

 This is Anna Wintour, she has perfected the art of looking bored and scary, just because she can.

 

6. An artificial womb has been created which will allow men to give birth. Mmmmm, now if the article had said "carry a baby to term" I would get it, but the fact that it says "give birth" makes me wonder just where is that baby coming out of?

 

7. Finally it is four weeks until I run my marathon, although we may have a problem. I may have an infected foot. It may yet become a Marathon Drinking weekend in Sydney. And that would be bad because????

The Bachelor- or the episode where the girls bitch about each other.

Alrighty- lets do this. So just in case you have forgotten like I had, last week we had the intruders, and that did not go down well with the girls in the house. This was because they didn't want to share Blake, because they are already sharing him with 10 other girls. ( is it 10? I keep forgetting people.)

The girls are eating their breakfast and Amber seems to think they might get some Blake mail. I guess the cameras being there are a dead give away. They talk about who is getting the date. They are bitching about the new girls, and the old girls, in fact the girls are just bitching. It seems tonight we don't like Amber.

Osher's here!! AND HE HAS A DATE CARD!!!! The date goes to.......the voice over girl Chantel. She is happy. Amber is not so happy. It is also about now I realise that Chantel has really bad taste in clothes. Like she is suck in an 90's time warp.

This is Chantel. She can't dress for all the clothes in Chanel.

 She jumps in the limo, and travels across the Bridge - I am starting to think that maybe they should look for a house on the other side of the Harbour next time, it would save on petrol money- and she arrives at the Darling Hotel. ( I have been there!!!). It seems Blake has also realised she has crap dress sense because he has left her a dress to put on. She has a bath, puts on her frock and walks into the bar. Blake says she looks....INCREDIBLE. Chantal says he looks like a babe. They go to the bar and have a bevvie or two.

Back at the ranch and it's a DATE CARD. They guess it is a group date - well deer don't they know the formula by now? The new chicks all get a spot on the date, Laurina is worried about her and Blake's "connection". Amber has got that weird look on her face again, like she is going to kill something (or someone). The girls who are not going on the date bitch about the girls who are going, and the girls who are going on the date are bitching about the other girls who are going on the date.

Back at the Darling- they eat at the restaurant that I HAVE BEEN TO!! It is yummy. They are talking about kids (again- yawn). They are naming their two boys (double yawn) and are planning their honeymoon (triple yawn) Blake wants to go to the Maldives. He has heard it is amazing.

He asks if she wants dessert, Dessert is Adriano Zumbo        " King of Desserts"

Hellooooo ladies. It is me Adriano Zumbo, King of Desserts.

 Look just quietly Chantel seems more overcome by seeing him. He gives them a fancy schmancy dessert, (is there anything wrong with a good old piece of cake, why must it be all flash and look like a flower?) and Blake feeds her. And then she feeds Blake. Then they go walking....no hang on..dancing. In the empty restaurant, and then they pash. She pashes him before she even gets a rose. What a hussy. We cut to them on the couch and Blakes' voice has somehow got even deeper. He has gone from smooth chocolate to rich dark chocolate. Chantel gets a rose. And then they pash. Again.

She comes home the girls interrogate her, find out she has a rose and then they all get jealous. They pretend they want to hear all about it, but we all know they don't. At this stage I have worked out why Laurina has had the botox, it is so she in incapable of making faces to show her true emotions.

Next day the girls pile into a Ford and drive themselves to Luna Park. Jess and Laurina assume the position of alpha females and drive. Blake and Oshie are waiting for the girls and Osh is looking cute. And so is Blake.

The lads, just casually hanging at Luna Park

First stop is the bumper cars. The girls all bump each other, and Kara and Jess try to bump each other away from Blake. Now they are bitching about Jess. I am a bit confused now as to who the episode enemy is. 

They have some glasses of bubbles, which is going to make everything more exciting, because booze makes everything more fun, especially rides that make you want to spew. The girls are all trying to out "look at me I am having so much fun"each other. Laurina has just called Jess "bigger". Ouch. 
Kara and Blake go for a walk, and now Kara is the aggressive one. Now I am really confused. Who am I meant to hate???? Kara downs some booze and starts telling Blake things she wouldn't normally say. But she is worried that their "connection" is slipping. Kara gets a rose. The other girls get cotton candy. I think I would prefer the cotton candy, although because I am AUSTRALIAN, I will call it a fairy floss. 

Yeah Girls- lets have fun. But you must have the most fun

Laurina rides the ride with Blake- but if anyone "kisses Blake on a group date- she is out of there"

Jess is going in for the kill, and she does "having fun" really well. Laurina says Jess is hogging Blake. Amber is going psycho. They play a game and the winner gets Blake. Hang on- isn't that the whole show?  Laurina now says Jess is socially unaware. But maybe that is because socially unaware has just won some "special time" with Blake. Blake is awkwardly caressing Jess's arm.  They have a conversation that needs subtitles. The girls are bitching about Jess. Now the old and new girls are bonding over their hate for Jess, and then THEY KISS (Jess and Blake, not the old and new girls, that would be a whole other timeslot), or "getting their pash on" as Amber says. Laurina goes bats shit crazy. You can see it, even through the botox.She has ruined the date for EVERYBODY. 

"Well Bitch, I got the pash- do you want me to pack your bag?"

Cocktail party time. Now Chantel is upset with Jess, because she has taken away her moment. Huh? Can the producers please step in and remind these girls that only one of them will get Blake. Now a new chick is having a go at Jess. Laurina is now telling Jess that she has no respect for the others. Funny how they don't have that issue with Blake. Laurina has never felt so alienated in her life. (Well maybe she shouldn't have gone on a dating show) . She talks to Blake. He says he kissed Jess in the moment, and it could have been anyone. She says she doesn't judge him.(of course she doesn't) Blake tells Laurina that they have a "connection." What the hell is this connection thing? You can have a connection with anyone. Hell I have a connection with the lollipop man I wave to every morning, it doesn't mean we are soul mates. Anyway Blake talks Laurina off the ledge and we head into the rose ceremooaaaannny.

Laurina is still banging on about her dignity being compromised. Yes- when you entered a bloody dating competition. Roses are going out left right and centre. Yep Jess has got hers, so has Laurina and yes she takes it. What happened to packing her bags??? What about your compromised dignity? Hey??? Hey???

Anyway, two chicks are left Mary and some other girl who I think they forgot to put in the episode. It may have something to do with the fact that she looks more masculine than Osher. No one says good bye to the poor love, whose name is Anastasia, and she is gone. Into the limo and into the night and no doubt over the Bridge.But at least she did get to say connection.

A tale about good customer service.

I had a really weird experience the other day. I hope you are sitting down for it. I got good customer service. TWICE. IN PERTH. IN THE SAME DAY!

Now before anyone get sensitive, let me make it clear, I did my time in retail, in fact about 10 years of it, so I feel I can make the statement that customer service in Perth tends to be crap. And I know that customers can be crap. I, however am not a crap customer, well unless they annoy me. Of course there are always awesome sales advisors or "educator" if you work at Lululemon (and lets face it for the prices they charge they can call them anything they want.) My daughter for one is a delightful retail worker. But as a general rule customer service is not something to write home about. I always get a bit of a shock when I go to Melbourne and Sydney and they sales advisors acknowledge you and are...helpful.

Some of my most memorable bits of bad service are  the women in Witchery who told me that there was no point in trying on the size 11 jeans, and they saying "Really? They fit you??" when I bought them . Or maybe the lady in Susan who asked me where in Bali I bought my Louis Vuitton bag.  Or even yesterday when the dumb security man stopped us the door because they didn't take the security tag off. He told us we had to go back to the counter but as there was a few hundred people in the store I just ripped it out. He then held it in his hand and stood in the security thing and said "but it is still beeping." and I said " No- it is beeping because you are holding the security tag in your hand and YOU are standing in the security thing."Idiot. I won't mention the name of the stood, but lets just say it starts with Z ends with A and has a "AR" in the middle.

So anyway back to my good customer service.

My youngest daughter decided that she wanted to go to book week as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Two days before she the day. Yes she forgets that I am not a crafty mum. Or. So.I.Thought. 

Dorothy. All my own handiwork.

Off to Spotlight I went, and got super crafty. At the till the lovely lady whose name I don't remember but was probably something nice and homely that would whip up a big batch of scones for you like a Beryl, or a Maureen, said " Oh love, this seems a bit pricey. Lets go through the receipt and make sure I did this right." Bless Beryls heart, is was correct because I bought the pre cut gingham, which is apparently "far more expensive" than the stuff they cut. I was a bit embarrassed to say that I bought the pre cut because I didn't know how to actually get the lady to cut if for me. For the price I paid for creating Dorothy I could have probably bought the original ruby slippers. 


So the next stop was Target because I had to buy a tshirt for Dorothy. $4. How the bloody hell do they make tshirts for $4? Now my local Target is the store where really you wouldn't normally know anyone besides the checkout people worked there. So you can imagine my surprise when this happened. I was greeted at the door with a bright-

" Hi, how's your day going?"
I looked around to see if she was talking to another worker behind me, but no she was talking to me.
"Ummm, good thank you." ( I didn't mention that I had a dodgy tummy because lets face it- she wouldn't have cared.)
I then made my way down to the iPod section because I needed a arm holder thingy for my iPhone. I looked around and then I heard-
" Hey there- you look like you can't find something."
Once again I looked to see who he was talking too. IT WAS ME!!
I told him what I wanted, and then he told me that he didn't have any. BUT HE SUGGESTED WHERE TO FIND ONE. 

At this stage I was starting to thing I may have swallowed one nurofen plus too many when I went to find the tshirt. I was searching through the pile when this head peered out of nowhere and asked me " If I needed any help finding the size I was after?"

At this stage I thought someone was playing a joke on me. I told her that I was fine, but "thank you for asking".

And then I went to Coles and got sighed at by a worker whose way I got in when I was trying to get something off the shelves.

And then I know all was right with the world.

A magazine that bamboozles me

I love magazines. I buy lots of them because I love having something to read. I have my favourites and it is very varied, from fashion to "good" gossip (who) and fitness (runners world.) I used to buy women's fitness but I stopped for a while, until this week when I discovered that I had read all the magazines at Coles.

Well tonight I finally got around to reading it, and I know I am not the target audience but seriously are the young women of today that boring? Here is my favourite articles.

1. 5 ways to be a good fitstagrammer. Yep an article on how to take good instagram shots of you doing exercise. Seriously.

2. How to find your inner Zen. By gardening and getting a good welcome mat. And by welcome mat they mean the one that you put at the front door and says things like namaste. And gardening??? I always thought the way to find your inner zen was to just have a few wines. 

3. Astrology. Now there is nothing wrong with astrology but my mantra for the month is "Try not to forget the things you should remember." Right good tip. I will try to remember that, well as long as I don't forget.

4. How to make Sunday morning the new Saturday night. Apparently you should book lots of things for a Sunday so you don't waste your day in bed. Never fear though- "if you (accidentally) partied hard start Sunday with a large veggie juice." Thats their words not mine. Mine would be- If you accidentally partied hard,  head to Maccas for a bacon and egg mcmuffin, and orange juice and some hot cakes, or better still send your husband out for it so you don't have to get out of your pyjamas.

5. It  tells you how to clean your Yoga Mat. Nothing else needs to be said there.

6. Nutritional advice includes- how to love your carbs, how to eat your weeds ( that is WEEDS not WEED) and how to decide if your super foods are smart and not a scam. I could tell you what a super scam food is but I just don't care.

7. A fabulous recipe for a cheesecake that is made with cashews and no cheese (surely then it would be a cashew cake?) plus my favourite - 3 ways with quinoa.

and finally the article that made me realise I am reading the wrong magazine...

8. Holidays that will move you. Yep physically move you. And I don't mean from the breakfast buffet to the pool chair. I mean vacations with bootcamp. Let me tell you my idea of bootcamp in Bali is when you go to a drag show and the drag queens are wearing camp boots.

and then I got to the end of the magazine and needed a glass of wine.

The Bachelor- or the episode where Amber goes troppo.

It is going to be a big night on The Bachelor. I know this for two reasons.

1. Voice over man keeps telling me and
2. The Voice over man keeps telling me

This can only mean one thing.

It is going to be a big night on The Bachelor!

So before the episode begins I thought I would do some research and introduce the intruders, because lets face it they are not exactly keeping the "twist" a secret.

Tahnee is from the Central Coast in NSW, is 23 and is a Social Media Coordinator (does that mean she has a blog, Facebook, twitter and Instagram.) 

This is Rachel. She is 28 a medical sales rep and is from NSW. Her dad is a Policeman.  (I don't see the relevance either)

Mary is from NSW. She is an executive assistant (a job which I have no idea what that actually means). She is 27 and has morals AND ethics. Sharing a man with 15 others is ok then? It would also seem she likes orange.

Lauren B is also 27, also from NSW and is a dancing actor. Run away Blake, she aint here for love. She is also dressed a little like a Bride.

Next is Anastasia. She is 30, a lawyer and is yep you guessed it from NSW. She wants to me her dream man.

Finally we have Aley, she is 25, she is from NSW (what is this NSW thing? Did they get half way through filming, decide it was getting boring and had to do some quick casting?) and she is a fashion blogger.

Ok so introductions over. I am hoping tonight will begin with a topless shot of Blake, because he has been very dressed for the last few episode.

So the girls are having a chat in the garden, whinging about who hasn't been on a single date. Laurina is doing her hair, Louise wants a date. He comes Osh, looking suave, with some Blake mail. Its going to be romantic. THE MOST ROMANTIC YET. And the winner is........Louise. I am starting to get a little concerned for Ambers mental state, she is pulling some crazy faces.

They are on a super yacht or what most would just call a really big boat.  Luckily Louise has packed her stripy nautical dress and white sneakers. She runs to the pier. She sees Blake. She jumps up and down. Blake laughs. They run and hug. The other girls have to stop Amber from jumping off the balcony.

Cue montage of the sail on the Harbour. Louise is still holding her hat, they eat seafood and drink wine. They feed each other. They laugh.

"Stay away from the one from Canadia. She is batshit crazy."

Cut back to the house and Sam and Chantal are having a bitch. I am starting to notice that Chantal spends a lot of time bitching. Apparently guys don't like girls who wear red lipstick. I think someone forgot to tell Marilyn Monroe that.

Back on the boat and Blake is disrobing (it would seem that the producers have also remembered that we haven't had a topless shot of Blake lately and Louise happens to have white togs on underneath her nautical frock.  Blake tells her she looks AMAZING.  And is the complete package. Her hat magically turns into a white dress, Lets cut to the chase, Blake tell her he likes her blah, blah, blah, they kiss and she gets a rose.  And a voucher to get her regrowth done. Red lips and all. ( I may have made the bit up about the regrowth, but surely there must be a hairdresser in that Mansion.) I've got to say it thought, I didn't see the passion from Blake that I saw with the Laurina kiss.

Date card!!! It must be a group date. What hang on- It just says cocktail and dreams. The girls are unsettled and confused. Chantal says it vague on details. No shit.

Cocktail party time. Blake is wearing his favourite suit. Osher arrives. He is wearing his favourite suit, which matches Blakes. He asks Blake to step outside.  Osher finally tells Blake how he feels. Jokes. The new chicks are coming.

"Osh- dude, I'm straight. "

Mary walks in, meets Blake, his eyes nearly pop out of his head. She meets the girls. Amber goes psycho. So does Kara. Rachel walks in, Blakes eyes nearly pop out of his head again. He is a little bit flustered. She looks like Holly the netballer. Laurina uses the word "youse". Anastasia and Tahnee arrive.  Aley the fashion blogger from Bondi arrives. She has on the ugliest pair of white shoes I have ever seen. She doesn't look amazing, she looks OUTSTANDING.

Finally its Lauren in her wedding dress. She twirls. Blakes asks why is she single. They feel at ease (Psssst- so do the other girls inside.) The girls are pissed. And not in the drunk having fun kind of way. Sam wants to leave, Laurina is not worried because the new girls don't have the grace or class of the original girls- Laurina classy girls don't say youse.

Blake reaches for Sam's hand, she refuses. So he takes Laurina who is wearing a godawful dress from her very own collection. It is so awful she cries. Well she might be crying about the new chicks, but honestly what is that dress?

 Amber time- she is also crying because she is also in an ugly dress that doesn't fit properly. Nah she feels depreciated and devalued. She is snuffling. Oh God and intruder walks and wants to give her a hug. Amber goes crazy psycho crazy, so crazy she doesn't even want the camera around. 

This is Ambers face. There is not enough maple syrup in the world to make her happy.

Tahnee tries to intercept with Blake and does it sooo wrong (well according to Kara anyway.) Interestingly Kara read the invite as am 80's cocktail party, because she is also wearing a godawful dress. I am starting to notice that the outfits are very ill-fitting. I am starting to think that the girls are maybe doing some " God I am bored sitting in this house, someone pass me the timtams" type behaviour. Sam rebukes Blake again. He gives the speech that was given to him by the producers. Sam now feels bad that she rejected Blake.

Amber is still upstairs having thrown her 100th tantrum Chantal talks her down off the cliff.

                      And then Amber cracked it. AGAIN

 The bitching continues. I am thinking that someone needs to step in and remind the girls that they are in a competition and only one of them will win Blakes heart. Well of course unless this was The Bachelor from some where where they are allowed more than one wife.

         

Rose Ceremony Time. OMG two are going home. Amber... oh hell I don't even need to say it.  Blake calls her name.  She WALKS OUT ON BLAKE. Chantal is stoked, Blake follows her- but only because the producers know she is such good telly. 
                                           
 For the love of Osher and Blake, hurry up Amber- are you staying or going?

Ok crisis averted. Amber is back, where were we... roses, old girls , new girls, three girls left, two new and Kara the 80's chick. She does her "we have a connection" voice over. It works. She stays and it is goodbye and nice to meet you, sorry we were such bitches,to Aley and Tahnee.

It was the white shoes.

The Bachelor. The episode where someone called Kara appears.

I think if The Bachelor voice over guy was someone I knew I would have to tell him to calm down. He is getting very excited. Which means either one of two things- a. it is about to get really exciting or b. It is about to get really boring and they have to do something to drum up some business.

I am hoping it is not the latter because I must admit, I am starting to get a little bit bored. As someone who didn't watch the last season I am not sure if this is a lull -kind of like that third quarter of football which gets a little bit dull- but things will get better, or if the season is about to go downhill. I am worried that Blake our Bachelor is maybe just too nice, and by nice I mean boring.

So here goes... We begin at the mansion and the girls, sorry the TOP TEN, are having a chat and congratulating themselves of being masters of the universe. (that's a Titantic quote).  Jess gets up to read the Blake mail, which is seems has magically appeared on the table. Laurina and her botox vein have got the date. The girls really hate Laurina, so there are lots of cut aways to the girls making narky comments. Laurina is just saying she is open and ready. Is that code for something.

Laurina and her vein are in the car on their way to.....the airport where Blake is waiting in his Snoopy aviator jacket.

Look- its Blake in his aviator outfit.

 She looks "fantastic" and casual. Well as casual as you can be with a face full of makeup. They are going skydiving and Blake is scared. It's raining. They are getting higher. Laurina is comforting him. They jump, they are both terrified but pretending to be cool. The rain is hurting Laurinas face. Their faces do some seriously weird thing. Laurina has to fix her hair. Yes you read that correctly, SHE REDOES HER HAIR WHILE PARACHUTING.

Die. If this image of me existed in the world I would die. D.I.E.

They hit the ground. They kiss. They hug. They hug. They hug.

 Cut to the mansion (is it a mansion? is it?) Osher is home! He tells the girls about the group date, and to prove Blake is a family man and likes children they are going to a preschool. What is this? The dream date from hell? Seriously at this stage I would be grabbing my preselected cocktail outfit and heading for the door. If I am going on a date I don't want no little kids running around. I want dinner and champagne. And a nice big steak, with béarnaise sauce followed up with a chocolate and salted caramel pudding.

My name is Osher. I like long walks on the beach and Blake Bachelor.

Back to  special time with Blake and Laurina. He takes her back to his and Oshers house. There are candles, fire, RED ROSES, Blake makes cocktails, Laurina freshens up. He makes espresso martinis (obviously he didn't get the memo that they are soooo 2012). She tells him she wants someone deep. Or is that someone with a deep voice? She gets a rose. They pash, and pash and Laurina says she feels she could fall in love.


Amber who is very quickly becoming ultimate bitch mole, is saying nasty things. Laurina comes back and retells the date in detail and all of a sudden she moves into her audition tape for NIDA. Well at least I hope she is because that story telling is just freaking weird. The girls are all looking at her with their WTF faces. And then she drops the bombshell. She went back to the Bachelor Pad. The WTF faces becomes even more WTF, and then she tells the girls that they kiss. the WTF faces have gone into overdrive. If we hated her before, she is more hated now.

We are at a preschool, they all do cute things will little kids. He is looking for the most patient. I thought he was looking for mother material? The patient ones are aunties. Having kids sucks the patience out of you. Blake is hiding under a pile of kids. The girls all try to out maternal each other. The kids try and turn Blake into the incredible hulk by painting him green. Blake wants 6 kids. By this stage  if I hadn't already hightailed it out of there at the thought of a date at a bloody preschool, I would be gone.

This is Jess. She is my favourite and she looks like Miranda Kerr

We cut to Amber so you know she is about to say something nasty, but Laurina isn't there, so she is going to turn on Miranda Kerr, I mean Jess.  Jess is cutting Ambers maple syrup. Amber obviously has forgotten that this is a competition. One person she doesn't have to worry about it Alana. There is no competition. Blake and Alana have about as much chemistry as something with no chemistry at all. Alana didn't want to get dirty because when she has her own kids she "wants to stay clean so she can go to the shops and look like a mum." Huh?

The girls are now free of face paint and are in their pretty frocks for the cocktail party before some one get their heart ripped out and stomped on. Laurina and Blake go outside for a chat, Zoe uses the word connection for the first time this episode. Sam is next up for a chat. I am not sure what has happened with Laurina. Hair emergency maybe? Zoe is still banging on about one on one time with Blake. She is starting to come across as desperate, and her not just because her dress is far too short. Oh God, she is talking to Blake. His demeanour is starting to slip, and a WTF look is spreading on his face.

Did Zoe forget to go to a fitting?

Cut to girls bitching about ......(insert any girls name here). Zoe is still having the conversation with Blake that is generally reserved for 2am in the morning after 3 bottles of Champagne. She "trying". I'm dying. Can we please have our rose ceremony now.

While we are waiting for the rose ceremony- watch this. It is Larina Fleure's Show reel. ( no wonder the poor love is trying her hand at The Bachelor.) I think maybe that story telling from earlier IS her NIDA audition.

Here's Blake and the dramatic music. And the overuse of the word connection. Look- lets just cut to the chase. It is either going to be Alana or Zoe. Hang on. Who is Kara? Anyway it's time to go Alana. Because you just don't know how to look like a mum.

Off you go Alana. Seriously though who is Kara?

Until tomorrow night, when a whole group of new girls arrive (and I haven't even learnt these girls names yet!)