I think I accidentally joined a Cult.

I tend to lots of things by accident, like buying a puppy when I am meant to be buying cat food, or buying myself a skirt, top, and shoes when I am only meant to be accompanying my husband while he buys a suit. I also, sometimes, accidentally tend to drink too much and get a little bit drunk (er) than expected.  But joining a Cult was not one thing I was expecting to accidentally do. I am officially a member of the "getting your nails done" cult. And I am not proud. But geez my nails look good.

                            

These are not my nails. But seriously- how do they do that???

I always had this belief that getting your nails done was filed under "Aint nobody got time for that" category, but some how I am a fully paid up member with the loyalty card to prove it.

This is an example of " Aint nobody got time for that nails

                         
Before I joined the cult I was perfectly happy to do my nails myself. The job may have been dodgy, but nothing a bit of nail polish remover couldn't fix (or a good scrub in the shower if the polish got on my skin). I used to relish going to Priceline to buy a new Essie shade each payday, and there was nothing more satisfying than the whole 1 hour I experienced of perfectly painted nails. Well as long as I didn't paint them too close to bed time and I ended up with the sheet pattern imprinted on them. Without doubt my beautiful nails would be chipped within hours, hence the reason why I always seemed to be painting them. Well that and having to pay the wages of everyone who worked for Essie.

                           
Here is an example of what not to do to your nails when you are going for a job interview, for anything other than a Kindy Teacher. Or a drug dealer


I blame my girlfriend Nicole. She was my enabler. She took me to the nail Temple in the local shopping centre to get my nails done for my Birthday. Of course I had Shellac, not realising that Shellac is nail talk for " once you get your nails shellacked you are in the Cult for life because your polish never chips, and if you decide to not get them redone your nails are destroyed until the new nail grows through.

I am now so far entrenched in the Nail Cult that I even now get my toes done. And lets face it there is nothing that hard about painting your toe nails. Although I don't get them shellacked because as firmly as entrenched in the Cult as I am, I am very much aware that your "normal" toe nail polish lasts 3 weeks without chipping.

So every three weeks I enter the Temple of the Shellac, I sit in a chair, get my nails wrapped in alfoil and acetone to melt the shellac. I then work myself up into a sheer panic because I can't decide what colour to get because there is SO MUCH DAMN CHOICE! I finally decide on the colour I get every single time, even though I have just spend 10 minutes flicking through plastic painted pretend nails.

                           
                              Halloween ideas anyone?

I then sit and listen to other peoples conversations and try to make sure my new Vietnamese friends are talking about me (Although as I don't understand Vietnamese, I would have no idea if they were talking about me or not).  My Vietnamese  ladies and I are such good friends now that they asked me where my daughter was and told me I was a mean mum for not bringing her. I watch the very same Jennifer Lopez music video that is on EVERY time I go in there (that is a blog all on its own- she is older than me, should she be wearing a body suit dancing in falling glitter and not much else?) and pop my hands under the UV light all the time trying not to think about whether it really could give me all skin cancer. I did momentarily think about putting some sunblock on my hands, and then got distracted by JLo's butt.

One day JLo your kids are going to be sooooo embarrassed. They will be in therapy with Madonna's kids

The final part of the adventure is leaving. Because it is like shopping at Target- the price you pay at the end is a complete surprise. Sometimes it is $40, sometimes $45. Today I paid $80 (please Alison my sister in law if you are reading this I know this doesn't fit into my budget but I HAVE to have good nails, it's like a rule) for my hands and my feet. I have no idea how they got to that price, but all I know is that I  left the Temple feeling happy, and like I belonged which is the aim of every good Cult. 

These are not my nails. But secretly I wish they were. They would be very good for people who are trying to stop picking their nose.

Whats is my make up bag.

You know I love to mix things up so I thought I would let you know what are my current stand bys in case you feel the need for some make up shopping (and who doesn't).

My current primer is a mix between Loreal Magic Blur and Hourglass Veil mineral primer. 

The Hourglass product is amazing, but I currently am still using a sample, so I am saving it for best. When I get paid I will be at Mecca making a purchase.

My new foundation is Nars Sheer Glow ($59). It is a really nice natural coverage but you can build it up. It also feels really nice on, like you are wearing nothing at all!

                                                         

When I got this it was a toss up between this and the new Estee Lauder foundation Perfectionist Youth Infusing Makeup ($68).

                                                                 


 This is a new product and you can buy a pretty nifty brush to go with it. I tried a sample in a magazine and it was nice, but the Nars won out, because I love Nars.

My concealer is still YSL Touche Eclat. 

                                                      

I don't have much of an issue with dark circles, but when I do I use a proper concealer. I think I have MAC at the moment.

Eyes are easy at the moment Mascara is still Benefit They're Real,

                                                                 


 it gives a nice natural but way better look. Eyeshadow is MAC Brule (I am on holidays so I am going "natural".)

Lipstick is my new Nars Lipstick in Mayflower.

                                                               

 On the website the colour looks quite brown, but it is not it is more a natural raspberry pink. I am wearing it with a little splash of Nars Gloss in Orgasm.

                                                                   

Blush is Nars Orgasm and I still do a bit of my all time fave- Hourglass Ambient lighting powder

                                                         

I know all of these items are pretty pricey- but never fear, tomorrow I will give you some cheaper options. One bit of advice is if you get a sample of a product -try it. Even if the colour is not quite right it will give you a good idea of how the product will look and feel.

Remember all the links will lead you to shopping!

The 13 foods I don't understand

I love food. All sorts of food, but if it one thing I have learnt from  my few days at home in front of the Food Channel, there are some foods I really don't get. Except from some of the food on Deep Fried Masters. I got all of that except for deep fried butter. How the hell do you deep fry butter?

Here is a list of food I really don't understand.
                                   
           Weet bix- Australia for soggy bits of cardboard.

1. Weet Bix. Yuck, texture like vomit. Tastes like cardboard unless you add sugar, and eat quickly. The only thing I understand less than Weetbix is gluten free Weetbix, because isn't wheat....gluten??

2. Sundried tomato. I am a bit iffy with tomato - unless it is in a sauce or the seeds are removed, but I really don't like them. They taste oily. A waste of time.


                           
           Why ruin a perfectly good cake with soggy cherries?

3.Black Forest Cake. Why would you ruin a cake with a lovely chocolate icing by putting soggy cherries and jam in it? I like cherries, if there is a cherry in your drink I will steal it off you. But in a cake, soggy. Yuk.

4. Chocolate mud cake. Tastes like plasticine. Enough said.

5. Black current flavoured anything except for Ribena.        Because that just tastes like purple sugar.

6. Crabs. So much effort for so little reward.

7. Decaf coffee. Do I need to say more?

8. Soy milk. It just tastes weird. Now part of my dislike could be because when both my elder children where little they couldn't drink dairy, so the only option was soy milk formula. Lets just say once that smell of soy milk vomit gets up your nose, it never goes away.

                              
To you this may look yummy. To me it is a great big bowl of food poisoning.

9. Mussels. I got food poisoning from mussels once. And I have a cast iron stomach. Those things must have been really, really bad.

10. Wholemeal pasta. If you are going to have pasta you know you are no about to have anything healthy. You have it for the carbs. Because carbs are king.

11. Bourbon. Although not technically a food, I don't do brown drinks. I haven't even had a bad experience, although it was the first alcohol I ever tried.

                       
                            Seriously- what is the point?

12. Drinking yoghurt. Who ever thought there was a need for that as a drink was on drugs (or maybe too much yoghurt). It is also like the texture of vomit ( can you see I have texture issues) and there is no point to it. If you want yoghurt- get a spoon and eat it. Like a grown up.

13. Wafer chocolates. Why ruin a good chocolate by adding a wafer into it. There was a lesson to be learnt from Polly Waffles. Although I do like Kit Kats. Maybe the ration just needs to be three quarters chocolate to one quarter wafer.

                  Chunky, caramel kit kats - good. So so good.

                             Polly waffles- not good.

How about you? Are there any foods you just don't understand?

 Oh and this is deep fried butter. It didn't come with instructions, so I can't tell you how to make it.

A catch up blog.

I have been a very bad blogger lately and apart from my Bachelor recaps have not been doing much.  In my defence I think I am suffering from post marathon fatigue. Which basically means it is a struggle to do anything.

So on today, my first day of doing absolutely nothing- so much so that it is nearly 2pm and I am still in my pyjamas I though I would give you a bit of a catch up with absolutely no reference what so ever to The Bachelor. Although I do have some thoughts in that. But maybe later.

Most exciting news is that I am on holidays. This is awesomely awesome. It would appear I have done in my holidays what every teacher does. A bit of spring cleaning. My goal was to clean my son's room. 19 towels and 6 goon bags (thats Australian for bags of wine) later we were done. I cleaned my pantry, went to Ikea and spent a fortune. All that stuff looks so cheap. It is a con. You get to the check out and all those cheap things suddenly and up being really expensive things. But can you really ever have too many white containers? Or serviettes and straws?

I also have a new puppy. A very cute new puppy whose favourite thing to do it to

1. Annoy the hell out of the cats
2. Annoy the hell out of the dog
3. Wee on the beds.

Lucky she is cute. And that is all I can say about that.

                 

I am still having foot issues. I have been to  physio and a my massage lady. The physic told me I run wrong. This also means apart from a walk I have done no exercise what so ever. Secretly though I think I am loving it. I pretend to be sad when I ring my running buddy and say "foots still sore." Then I roll over in bed and it is bliss. And wake up 2 hours later.

I have been lunching, going to some places I have never been before. Unfortunately one of those venues was a freaking sharing place, and you know how I feel about sharing.While I am on the subject I am beginning to believe that " Our meals are designed to share, so they come out when they are ready" is actually code for " getting all the meals ready at once is a pain in the butt, so lets just call it sharing". I sucked it up though and it was nice.

                       


 My daughter took me to a yummy place with yummy coffee. I think I am turning back to coffee. We also went shopping and tried on lots of expensive shoes, most of which as my daughter told me made me look like a hooker. I do, however, had to respect those young things that manage to walk in those hooker heels. I wonder what their physio bills are like.

                               
These are the hooker heels I tried. They are classy hooker heels though, Louboutin hooker heels.


I am also spending time catching up on my Foxtel. Crap tv always holds a place in my heart. My latest favourite is Ink Master. Especially when they tell the tattooist to "pack their things and go". One thing I am interested in though is how many times " Sense and Sensibility" and "How to lose a Guy in 10 Days" has been on. Awww the days before Matthew McCona (however you spell it) could act.

So that is about it. Now you will have to excuse me because my dogs are fighting. Now they are kissing.

                                   And then they sleep.

My take on The Bachelor break up

The proposal, an artists impression

I would like to lie and say I am in complete shock that Sam and Blake have broken up. Lets face it though, as if a man can go from 24 girlfriends to 1. So according to Sam she doesn't know what has happened. Lisa is confirming that she is NOT pregnant with BLAKES baby (does that mean she is pregnant with someone else's?) and Blake and Osher are both keeping very, very quiet on the situation. Although according to Osher on The Project last night as Blake was proposing two lions were approaching and they were worried they may attack. Maybe Sam should have taken that as a sign.

All I can hope is that Sam got to keep the ring, Lisa can finally buy that rented house in Noosa, Louise gets a gig as a newsreader, Zoe gets a endorsement deal from GHD, Amber goes to anger management classes, Chantal hosts the new season of The Bachelorette (why would they waste that voice?) , Jess gets offered a role on Bold and the Beautiful (why waste those amazing facial expressions?) and Aunty Dee gets column in the newspaper as an advice columnist.

I wish I had something to tell you other than I can confirm that
Blake was spotted yesterday at Melbourne airport getting off a plane. So maybe he and Laurina are going to bowl off into the sunset and spend the rest of their lives easting dirty street pies.

Thanks for the memories Blake it has been a blast.

The final Bachelor recap. Or the one with animals and a ring

                                             
                        "Osher- will you accept this ring?"

Oh my gosh!! This is the hardest thing ever, resisting the urge to venture into the murky world of Social  Media to see who Blake has chosen as the chosen one.  I'm not very good at waiting for stuff. I am the person that reads the last chapter of a book to see what happens. I think it is because I don't like surprises, or having any patience. What ever.

If you have been reading my blog you will know that I was initially team Jess until someone made me very much aware that Jess did this weird thing with her face. Like she was a dancer on Telethon or Young Talent Time. (Ask you mum youngsters). I am now firmly sitting on the Sam side of then fence.  Of course though I am secretly hoping that it is Oshers hand that Blake is attempting to put the ring on.

 " Oh Blake, I thought you would never ask, I knew you would come to your senses." 

I am a little nervous about who wins tonight, and I am not really sure. It is kind of like how I felt about the first season of Big Brother. When it was good. And people used to have parties and stuff for the final episode. I really, really want Sam and Blake to walk off into the African sunset together. Or at least if she wins she will be able to hock the ring and take her cutie little bro on a holiday.

I am not sure why I don't like Lisa. May it is because someone said that if she cut her hair and dyed it red she would look like Julia Gillard. And she lied about her house. Sam would never do that. Because I have a feeling that she couldn't lie to save herself.

                                            
Ok so we are here in Africa. We have seen elephants, lions, tigers, the animals with horns on their heads, hippos and bogans.

       To prove we are really in Africa- here are some giraffes

Blake is excited, so he sits in front of the fire by himself to have a think about it. Daybreak brings Blake's mum and my friend from work Aunty Dee. God help these girls, if you are going to meet the in-laws, imagine being interrogated by a former Head of Student Services. I saw how she would grill those kids over wagging school, let alone marrying her nephew. Then we see a vid from Granny. Bless her. Blake sheds a tear and so does Gran. And mum.

Dee has nominated her self bad cop, and Blake goes to fetch a girl. He decides on Lisa who is wearing the most hideous pair of pants I have ever seen. And I just read that she is a fashion designer. For who? Kmart? Lisa is being charming and says that Blake looks like his mum and she couldn't tell then apart. Huh? Like one is a really tall man and the other is a short lady.

                                                                                                  

Mum takes Lisa off for a chat, and Lisa tells her that she really like Blake. Thats nice. Oh ok- now she says she loves him. Mum tells her to tell him. They are getting along like a house on fire. Dee (bad cop moves in). Man - she is asking the hard questions. I just wish someone would get some sunnies for Dee.

                                             

Now it is time for Sam. Dee and Mum have changed outfits. Dee is shocked that she is blonde. I know that this is because Blake has always gone for brunettes. Sam is nervous and is kind of being a bumbling idiot. But it is cute. They talk about love, kids and moving (don't come to Perth Sam, it is way too expensive). And in walks bad cop. Oh poor Sam. Dee brings up the babies. Sam starts to relax and talk about family. You can tell she wants that. Then she say goodbye and Blake and Sam pash like crazy. And then damn it, Mum and Dee can't decide for him, so they are having to go on those final dates. Aww bless now mum is crying.

                      
                    Hot air ballon. WORST DATE EVER

Date time. First is Lisa. Oh look - Blake is wearing his Snoopy aviator jacket. Whilst standing next to a hot air ballon. This is the worst date EVER. This time I mean it. I have a phobia of balloons. Like a serious one, like I am getting anxiety just seeing this balloon. My heart is racing. 'GET OFF BEFORE IT POPS!!!!". Oh and I also hate heights. Right now if this was me I would have to admit defeat. But Lisa is ok and she sees an animal called an impala?? I don't even know what that it. And those ones with horns. I don't even care what that one is. They talk about their feelings. (She likes you Blake). They get on land and have a picnic and talk about how things are amazing and beautiful and then Lisa opens up and says I love you. Blake says "thats beautiful" And he says connection. And then she says connection.

                        
                                      Look some zebras

Blake arrives to pick up Sam, and she is looking as cute as a button in her little beanie. They are going to do something exciting and amazing. They are hoping to see the big 5. I have no idea what they are talking about. By now you can obviously tell that I don't like animals all that much. Except for cats and dogs.

                                        
                 Like this little white fluffy puppy- "Pick me Blake"

Rhinoceros! Thats the animal with the horn. Sam wants to take home an elephant. Good luck getting that through customs. You can't even bring honey into Perth.

Sam and Blake pose for a Coffee commercial while they talk about love and stuff. Blake talks about their connection. And then he organises a classic African experience. Watching some  dancers and having dinner with crystal glasses, but they are surrounded by African stuff including a shield thing, which makes it legit. Sam opens up (have she and Lisa been following the same script?) and Blake says "Thats nice." WTF? NICE? Blake really? But then they pash, like a full on pash. Hang on- Is she sitting on his lap?  Dissolve to the shot of Blake proposing to Osher.

                                       I KNEW IT!!!

Blake is working out how to break the news to one of the girls, so he is takes off his shirt to think about it.  (about which one he loves- not him and Osher) We have a Sam and Lisa montage.

Blake is getting dressed, Sam is wearing hooker heels, Lisa is in navy sequins. Blake tells us he is love with one of them. Then he tells Osher he is in love with one of them. Osher walks to the car.... out comes .....Lisa. He gives her a spiel  and you can hear her thinking "Just bloody get on with it." He then says he has so much love for her, but he is in love with someone else!!!! Then they both cry. And she walks off to the car. Then she cries. Oh God- then I cry because Millie the puppy turns the tv over.

Here comes Sam in her sparkles (do we do daytime sparkles?) struggling to walk with the hooker heels. Blake starts off with the same speech he gave Lisa. Then he finally says that he is in love with her. Then they both say they love each other.  He drops to his knee with no regard to the fact that he is wearing a powder blue suit and pops the questions. She says yes. And the ring is too big. And something really weird is going on with Sam's hair. 

The sun sets, they walk off into the distance. I wonder what I am going to do with my Wednesday and Thursday nights.

The Bachelor Blog. The one where they go on a Vacation before he breaks ones heart and stomps it into the ground.

                                                                                                    
                                        ROADTRIP!


Oh my gosh! I am late! What have I missed??? When I turn on the tele, Blake is waiting on a pier and Sam is running and jumping right into his arms. And then Blake tells her they are going diving with Great White Sharks. WTF? Really? Has Blake decided already and he has to knock the girls off one by one??

Sam and Blake share a Titanic moment. Hopefully they have a better outcome than Jack and Rose.

The date is getting better because now they see a shark. No - seriously is this the way he is getting  rid of one of the girls? This is so dumb. Sam can say she is an adrenaline junkie all she wants, but this is dumb. Worst DATE EVER. But it's ok, because Sam is pumped.  Well Sam I am glad you are pumped because I feel as though I am watching a poor mans wild life doco. I hate wild life docos.

                                                  
     This is not a really big boat.  This is a SUPER YACHT.

Second part of the date is where Sam shows "she is up for anything." (Blakes words, not mine). They get on to a super yacht, (why are these big bloody boats called yachts?). They drink and have a "real conversation". Sam tells Blake she loves Lou and Lisa (Blakes eyes are lighting up), but she starts on that conversation about blah, blah, blah. Give it a bone Sam- honestly. The dude likes you, you are competing against 2 other girls and there is a 33 and a third chance you will get you heart broken. Bam.  Now move on and try and win his heart for God's sake. Hang On- she is going to drop the "L" bomb. After about a kazillion words.... Just say it !!! It is between you and Blake (and the camera crew).  Oh my god she is going to say it....... but I don't know if she did or not because my new puppy just pooped on the rug. Seriously I have one rug in the whole house and the bloody dog poops THERE!!!!

                                      

Ok I return to Louise and Blake at a winery. We see the label of the winery a lot so I can only assume they have sponsored Blakes big date. They walk to see the view on top of the mountain with some strategically placed bottle so of wine.  Blake is concerned that Louise doesn't get him. She is really trying to convince him that she does. By pashing him. And then Blake is saved by the African choir. Louise cries. I cry as well, because my husband has just arrived home with Red Rooster for the whole family, and nothing for me. Sometimes he is WAY too supportive of my diet. 

                                   

After lunch we rock up at a house, sorry Presidential Suite. Which is apt, because Louise is wearing a pair of jeans that are so high waisted they look like they belong to a Presidents wife. The jump into their togs, jump into the pool and look....awkward. And then she drops the "L" bomb and he says " WOW." Umm is that the right reaction? They pash anyway.


It's Lisa date time. Well obviously Blake doesn't know yet about the "Noosa fake house debarkle", but Lisa is using her favourite word. Connection. Soooo super yacht, winery..... where are we going???  A school. It's all very cute.Blake and Lisa are both hugging the kids. Lisa says kids are important and seeing Blake with the kids says he will be a good father.  Well Lisa and Blake let me give you the big tip. Anyone can play with kids. It how someone interacts at 3 in the morning with a screaming baby that is the proof of someone being a good dad.

Blake and Lisa give the kids some new books and equipment which is really sweet. 

Blake and Lisa now get into a helicopter, which is so um romantic, because Blake wants to go somewhere they can talk. I wonder if they could have talked somewhere where that maybe wasn't so fancy after spending time with the kids who have so little. Mmmmm. Then they say stuff to other and once again I can't tell you what it is because now my daughter is asking me why her doll has a bracelet on.  Is she freaking kidding? I don't bloody care why she has a plastic bracelet on!!!! No wonder I normally watch this on my own. Lucky Blake is not judging me on my parenting skills.  All I can tell you is that Blake says he is falling for Lisa. I just find that weird because she is such a bogan (not that there is anything wrong with that). They do a weird forehead kiss thing, which is a trick Blake must have learnt from Jess. 

Ok lets do this. Second last rose cereMOANY (yes I have been spelling that wrong on purpose). Lisa is popping on her lippie, Louise is popping on her gloss, and Sam is popping on her earrings.  Blake  is popping on his cufflinks (Where is Osher when you need him?) They all mean business. Osh arrives and once again I am convinced he has the best job in the world. Blake and Osher do a double handed hand shake. They ALL really REALLY mean business. First rose.......SAM!!! (YEAH!!), Second Rose.....LISA!!!.

The girls are gutted.  I would tell you what Blake is saying to her, but now my husband is yelling at my son for burping. I am assuming she says they both love each other (or something like that). She is convinced there is someone out there for her because her heart is open. 

And I just saw my friend in the preview for tomorrow nights episode. HOW DID SHE KEEP THAT A SECRET FROM ME!!!!!! She said she was in Bali!!!

Until tomorrow, for the final time.