Kate Middleton- we need to talk

OH MY GOD. I am trying Kate, like really really trying with you but seriously woman- you need to get your self a stylist.

I love the Royal Family, my cats are called William and Kate, my dog is called Charlie even my daughter is named after Princess Diana's bridesmaid, but I think what you are doing to clothes is a disgrace. And I can bear it for a moment longer.

Now I know there are certain rules you need to follow, I know nothing too risqué, nothing too revealing, and it appears you have also popped in nothing too exciting into your rule book. Shall we take a look at your wardrobe for your New Zealand trip?

This is ok- a promising start. Channelling a 1960's air hostess is a cute idea, but you are still channelling a 1960's air hostess.

Ok- I am sensing you are going for a coat theme here- because you do like a coat but Babe- it's BORING. A plus though is you hair looks wonderful. In the words of every mother everywhere " You look so pretty with your hair pulled back off your face."

Kate your boy is beautiful. The absolute most cutie thing ever. I just want to grab those cheeks and give him the biggest cuddle in the whole wide world. But what have you dressed him in? It is 2014, not 1964.

This is better. I don't mind this, if I was 50 and going to a Ladies Lunch for my Sewing Club. See that baby crying? She is crying for the love of fashion. George is saying " You think you've got problems, look at what she puts me in."

You hair here Kate is good. Like really really good. The lift in the pony tail, the hair wrapped around . 2014 says hello.

For the love of " yar, yar, jolly hockey sticks" every where. Come on. You have worn this outfit so many times that I even wore it on Monday when I was pretending to be boring. Sorry you.  The striped t is a classic, as is the blazer, but love- can't we get a new one? And your blazer is a few cms too short. And wedges are sooo 2012.

Apparently you told someone that William doesn't like your coat because it is too bright. He was being polite. He doesn't like it because it is UGLY, and looks like something his Nan would wear. As a dressing gown.

Do I even have to say it? What the hell is that hat? Who are you channelling here- Robin Hood?

You are doing casual I get that, and it is not bad, but I really hope you have given those jeans a wash.

Now I am a bit torn on this frock. My friend Claire likes it. Me not so much. I think the silver fern is a delightful touch, but it is boring. Boring, boring boring. And for the love of God-PULL THAT BLOODY HAIR BACK.

The tour is still in it's early days, but your report card says-

"Catherine has proved herself to be a good communicator who has managed to charm everyone around her, but her clothes are so bloody boring, the fashion gods are crying. I can hear them saying " She has access to every label in the world and she wore that??"