I haven't blogged about The Real Housewives of Melbourne for a while because to be honest, not much has happened. We are currently at Episode .. um actually I have not idea what episode and they are still fighting about what they were fighting about in episode everysinglebloodyone.
So where to start - basically what you have missed is that Gina (she of the drag queen look) is fighting with basically everybody. Andrea is writing a book about how hard is it to be a working mum. Hiring and finding the right nanny on top of having to write them checklists is SUCH a hard job. Poor love. Lydia is just saying WOOOW, and talking about money and her snow house. At the risk of sounding nasty it is just a little townhouse in the snow. She also makes lots of sexual innuendoes. Her husband must be thrilled Janet keeps having plastic surgery, Jackie and her rock star husband are bringing out a brand of vodka. Le Mascara. Just don't pronounce it mascara because thats not how it said. They are on to it though. The have the name, the box, the artwork just not the drink yet. They sort of forgot about that. Whoops. Shine,Shine, Shine ! And then we have the lovely smart Chyka. She has successfully managed to plug her business and every single brand, or company they represent, whilst also coming across as being delightful. Maybe thats because she hasn't been in it much.
I read last week that the show has had to have some emergency re editing, because some of the girls were coming across really badly. When I say really, I mean really. Andrea and Lydia especially were two pieces of nastiness that would put a Year 9 girl to shame. You see it all began when Andrea had a tennis party. Gina was late, she put fake tan all over her..towels.. and wore high heels on her tennis court. That is dumb, I give Andrea that one. Anyway then it would appear that she called Andrea the c word. Whoops. Horrible word that one, but you now what they say if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
Andrea wants an apology and has done for about 100 episodes. Lydia is a little bit umm shall we say dim, so she on Andrea's side. So thats it, we are up to date. Oh except for the kazillion product placement endorsements that have been going on. Honestly that show has more to plug than The Block, and thats NOT including the need to plug Andrea and Lydia's mouths.
So the poor producers needed to do something because otherwise no one will be going to Liberty Belle to have their work done. So this episode the main star was ......Chyka.
It began with Chyka and Janet going shopping in David Jones,they were walking in their very high totally not for shopping shoes which was lucky because David Jones has this AMAZING personal shopper you can hire for the day. The tried on Alexander Mc Queen (what DJ's stock designer???), Camilla, blah, blah blah and drank champagne while they told each other how wonderful they looked. Annnnnd we have just watched a 5 minute commercial for D.J's.
Chyka must be struggling to get her exercise in because in the next scene she is walking to Jackies. She is going to help her and her rock star husband with their brand. They are looking at boxes for the non existent alcohol. Jackie is not flustered because she has her angels. But then the angels must be going to visit someone else because then she does get anxious. Damn those angels. Never there when you want them.
Chyka then decides she needs to promote another if the business she is working for, sorry I mean Chyka decides she needs to get the girls who hate each other together to go shopping. That always works. They can bond over homewares. The girls get in a limo. (am I the only one that gets car sick in a limo) drink champagne and talk in their high society voices, and struggle to put their hands in front of their crotches so they don't flash their knockers, sorry knickers.
Andrea and Gina don't talk and just reapply their makeup. They get to the amazing shop. Lydia says WOOW, Gina invites them all to a party, but not Andrea. Then Lydia tells Andrea so Andrea invites all the girls (except for Gina) to her party. Hers will be better because they will do shots.
The Janet visits Jackie who is visiting Ben in the recording studio because her must have a new album coming out.
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| Andrea- have you forgotten your spanxs? |
Gina is lonely so she meets up with the Australian version of the Millionaire Match maker. Ummm has Arena got a new show? She arranges a blind date, Gina says just make sure he doesn't has thumbs that stick out. (HUH?) or a saliva problem (double HUH?). To save me time she does go on a date with him in a restaurant and he has no thumb or saliva issues.
So where are we???? Oh Chyka has a dog party. Yep you read that right. Do we really need to discuss it? OK, they dressed the dogs up in costumes. I don't need to take that any further.
Oh I almost forgot , we also met Lydia's slave, sorry BEST HOUSE FRIEND. My BHF is called Dyson. She does everything for Lydia who hasn't done any house work for 20 years. Lydia is having people over so she wants really clean windows, and she want her BHF to get some champagne out of the wine cellar. Yawn I have a wine cellar. It's called Dan Murphys.
So the highlight of the night for me was when the girls went to the Emirates Melbourne Cup Party, where the girls got super annoyed because Brynne Edlestone was there. They moved away from her, and Lydia said.. "WE ARE THE STARS." Oh dear. WOOOW
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| " But I'm the star!!!" |
Then Janet and Gina had a big fight and realised they couldn't be friends anymore.
So now no one likes Gina (who, may I say, her fake tan was looking dreadful), and everyone is on the side of Lydia ("I am not brainless"- babe you think the Louve is in London), Andrea ("writing checklists and speaking this slow is really hard"), Jackie ("I'm a psychic and my husband is a rock star") and Janet (" when someone throws rocks I make them into diamonds"- Honestly Janet, that makes no sense). Chyka is on no one side because she is a very, very clever business woman.
There you go- I have saved you an hour of your life. Next week is the final episode and then there is the reunion special. Hosted by the gayest straight man in the world- Alex Perry. Well the gayest straight man in the world next to Brucie ( Chyka's Husband).
* all images via the wonder web site that is Pinterest.
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