The Real Housewives of Melbourne or It should have been me.

I like french champagne, I have a designer handbags, I wear makeup, I like nice frocks, I wear spanx. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. well except that I don't live in Melbourne and have a wealthy older husband. My husband is younger.

Anyone- last night was the premiere of what I knew was going to be the best worst television show of the year. And best worst it is.

image via SMH

The first episodes are always the best because this is where we meet our real house wives. I'm calling it from their nanny's to their botox their is nothing real about these women. First cab off the rank is Lydia. Lydia is very pretty. In a brunette kind of way. She is married to an older man who is an architect. He designed some nice buildings. They have a ski house, she drives a Porshe and has a dog in a bag. She is studying. To be an interior designer. She is Italian.

Next is Gina. She wears too much makeup and wears tight dresses. She has a stylist who dresses her like a drag queen. She is a barrister. She doesn't own a tracksuit. She is Italian.

Andrea is next. She is a super mum, who works full time in her plastic surgeons husband business. Her business is called Liberty Belle. Her business is serious because when she has a meeting with her staff they are wearing white coats. She is a super mum to her 3 children called Bud, Kiff and Buster (seriously). She also has 5 nannies to help her be that super mum. And she quizzes her children on healthy food. 

Gina, Lydia and Andrea are having lunch , where Andrea is inviting them to her fabulous party. They are only serving French Champagne. ( All champagne is french). They argue over who pays.

Next we meet Janet. I think she is kind of cool in a mutton as lamb kind of way. She has just left her husband who was cheating on her with Viagra and online dating. She goes to the campiest hairdresser in Melbourne because she never washes her own hair, and she lives in a hotel during the week. She has two boys. Don't think we will be seeing them. 

Next is Jackie. She is married to a rock star. I know this because she talks about him a lot and she wears leather pants.
Jackie is from Newcastle and Croatia. She speaks likes someone who comes from Newcastle and Croatia. She is a psychic, and a rich bogan. She thinks her husband, Ben from Silverchair, (God really? I thought is was only Daniel Johns) look like " Johnny Freakin Depp".  I glad she added Freakin because I otherwise would have thought she meant Johnny Depp the good looking actor sex god, and her Ben looks nothing like him.
Jackie loves Verve Cliquot and she has it for breaky, that is all she has in the fridge, well apart from butter, She also has not had plastic surgery because she is very beautiful. Her words, not mine. 

Anyway to get this narrative moving we need to introduce our complication- Jackie does a reading for Janet, and then Janet asks her to come to the Liberty Belle fab party, where her friends will be and they will be drinking fabulous French Champagne. ALL CHAMPAGNE IS FRENCH!!

The producers at this stage have realised they have forgotten to introduce Chyka. After about 30 seconds it becomes clear why because Chyka is boring. She is a caterer and is married to Bruce. He has no neck and calls her Bub. They are both super busy. So busy in fact that they cannot find a night to have dinner together, or go to Singapore together. I have a feeling that Bruce is happy because he can meet his boyfriend.  But luckily Chyka is not so super busy that she can still go to Andreas party.

We cut to Jackie getting ready with her stylist/ hairdresser/ makeup artist. Honestly why do rich women find it so hard to dress themselves? They are drinking french champagne. For God's sake- ALL FREAKING CHAMPAGNE IS FRENCH. Jackie can't work out why they are throwing a party for a fat sucking machine. She obviously doesn't have enough fat then.

Cut to the party. Gina walks in. Andrea says that every time Gina walks into a room everyone stares. Yep that would be because she looks like a drag queen. The ladies all greet each other. Gina and Chyka finally meet even though they are Facebook friends.

The party is fab, except Jackie is not impressed with the FRENCH champagne. She has MOET in her fridge. So do I, next to the cask of Pinot Grigio.

 They head off to dinner, in the limo (so 1990). They crack open the FRENCH CHAMPAGNE.  (This is going to get boring). Gina, Jackie and Janet have a conversation, and the editor forgets to mute the other wives microphones so it is a bit hard to hear what they are saying, No doubt it was about FRENCH CHAMPAGNE.

Dinner at an exclusive restaurant, they talk about prenups. Nope none of them have them because their husbands love them. Jackie makes a point of saying her husband has LOTS of money. (I'm going to google that). They all also make a point of saying that none of them are gold diggers. Lydia says that she and her husband have a conjugal rights agreement. I thought that was something that you had in jail. I guess that means Lydia is going to be the sexy one then. Ummm what else... oh Jackie tells Gina that her boyfriends is cheating. She knows this because her grandma is standing over her shoulder and tells her.  I can't really tell if Gina is outraged or not because I am distracted by Gina's eyeliner which is the exact shade of her dress. 

Each scene is prefaced by some lovely shots of Melbourne, and by the sound bites of tram bells. Melbourne looks divine. We saw the gallery, the casino, the Yarra, the trams, The city, the trams, the trams, the trams and the trams.

And that is that for episode 1. It is obnoxious, car crash television. My favourite kind!!
Here is a link to part one. You know you want to

all images are vis the official The Real Housewives of Melbourne website , except otherwise stated.