An open letter to George Clooney

Dear George,

You hear that? That is the sound of nothing. What you should be hearing is the sound of my heart breaking with the news that today you got married. Well Mr Clooney let me tell you. I don't care. Not even a little teeny tiny bit.

I think you lost a bit of your appeal once you got engaged. You were never meant to get engaged! Every single woman in the Western World was waiting for you to finally meet them. Once you committed to someone that made you..kind of....normal. 

And then the one you picked. Some fancy schmancy Human Rights lawyer, who also happens to be beautiful. With not a blonde hair, or wrestling outfit in sight. Human Rights lawyer does not impresses me one bit.  Wasn't Mr Darcy in Bridget Jones Diary a Human Rights lawyer? Such a common job. You want human rights?? Come and spend a day in the classroom with me and I will teach you about human rights.

Do we even need to talk about the fact that you got married in Venice? And it was a 5 day celebration? I've been to Venice, it just a whole heap of water and its like really old. And you have to get into boats to go anywhere unless you want to get really lost. So dumb.

I don't even care that you had celebrities there either. Who cares about Cindy Crawford, Bono, Matt Damon, Emily Blunt or Anna Wintor. Are you telling me you could't even convince Brad and Angelina to turn up? God, so ordinary.

I'm not the slightest bit interested that you sold the rights of your photos to Vogue. Vogue Spogue. If Kayne and Kim can get into Vogue , anyone can.

So Mr Clooney, in a nutshell I don't care that you got married at all. 

Because nothing is forever. Right?

The happy ridiculously good looking couple. For the record I still think they look alike.

A Bachelor Update.

Well my friends, it appears last night we were lied to. I hope you are sitting down.

That was NOT Lisa's house. I repeat - THAT WAS NOT LISA'S HOUSE.

It would appear that Lisa's "childhood home" was actually a Noosa Rental that can be yours for the bargain price of between $450 and $1050 a night.

I can't believe reality tv would lie to us. And I guess it was a give away when Lisa had to ask her mum where Blake could get changed.

And her dad never looked comfy on that balcony .

The Bachelor- the one where he checks out how much their parents are worth.

Oh come on- you're thinking it. I just said it.

Wow- this episode begins with a montage of Action Man Bachelor . I think he has been doing some serious working out.

Louise is waiting in Thredbo in her ski gear, on a bridge. They look cold and hug and kiss. A lot. I do have to ask why she is wearing her snow goggles though. The have a snow fight, the ride those tube things and pretty much fulfil every snow cliche there is. And then they pash again.

                                                                   

Cut to the snow lodge and they are sitting in front of the fire sipping sparkling wine, and Louise is briefing Blake on her family, and he is looking shit scared.  First we meet her mum, who is Louise in 30 years. Dad Terry looks a bit smooth. I think he has had his hair cut for the event. And then DISASTER! Blake spills sparkling on Smooth Terry. It is so dramatic we have to cut to an ad. Terry had to put on some new jeans, but luckily he could keep his skin tight shirt on.

What in God's name is Sam wearing? The family cat?

Over dinner the family starts interrogating Action Man on why he likes Louise. (Good question brother, I wonder the same thing). Terry take Blake outside for some "special time" with Blake. Terry hopes his intentions are honourable, and Blake reassures him that they are, well as much as they can be when you are dating 3 other women.

We move on the the country now- to Sam (my favourite). They meet on a Bridge and kiss. (Hang on- didn't Louise and Blake meet on a bridge?)  Then they walk around and investigate and FIND A HOT TUB!! and amazingly THEY HAVE THEIR TOGS!!! Lucky for us, the get in. At least I think Sam has her togs on, because she looks kind of naked.

See- I told you she looks naked.

                                             
Out of the hot tub, Sam tells her story, about her Dad who raised her and passed away, and how she promised her dad she would raise her brothers. It just makes me like Sam even more. 

The rock up to Sam's sister house, and the whole family are waiting. All 10 of them. Sam's sister cuts to the chase and whisks Blake into the kitchen for some "Special time"with Blake. While she is interrogating Blake, Sam is asking the family what they think. He has a nice hand shake.  Blake tells sister that he is falling for Sam. AWWWWWWW. They all like him, even Josh, the awkward 16year old brother. Oh God this family is adorable. If Blake doesn't pick Sam, I will. 

But they look so cute together! Don't doubt each other now!

It's all going so well, and then the music changes, so we know something dramatic is about to happen. Sam has a major freak out. Because she remembers he is dating 3 other girls. Just call the whole think off Blake!!!!! Sell the rights to the wedding and forget the other three girls. Sam is scared, and now Blake has doubts. 

Lisa's turn. She lives in Noosa, which is lucky because we have already had a snow scape, a country scape so we do need a beach scape. Blake has changed into his Ballroom dancing shirt for his interviews, or else he has been spending too much time with Louise's dad and has stolen his tight shirt look. They jump in some canoe things, because thats how they get to lunch. The arrive at a McMansion  on the canals (who knew they had canals in Noosa). Bloody Hell- Lisa's family is loaded as well. Blake can pick 'em (or the producers- whatever). They go and get changed which is good because Lisa has forgotten her pants, and Blake has the before mentioned tight shirt.

                                           

The family asks the same questions all the others have, do they have a future, does he like Lisa blah, blah. Mr Lisa has made a very nice bbq. He seems very nice, but he did say "youse". But then I guess they are from Queensland.

                                           


The whole date is nice, but a bit beige.  Beige with a very big house, but you don't want beige. Do you?

                                         

Jess has chosen to meet Blake at the Central Coast. She is looking very Miranda Kerr. The meet on the beach (but we did Beach already!)  They have fish and chips on the pier. She says they are the best. That is not true, the fish and chip shop down the road from me makes the best fish and chips. They talk about integrating lives. The talk about relocating.  She drops a bombshell. She wants to date before they move in. Blake looks sacred. 

They are going to Jess's house, and after the other three homes, I can wait to see where Jess lives. They hop in the red Ford Focus (because they have't done any product placement yet) and call Jess's dad (huh?). They arrive at.....the caravan park.

Jess's dad has popped on his best flanno for the episode, and Jess's mum starts talking and all of a sudden it becomes clear where Jess gets her "sincere-ness" from. The lads go fishin, and the wind is blowing Mr Jess's hair like Beyonce with a wind machine. Blake starts digging with Mr Jess about if Jess  is ready for a relationship. There is a big pause and the dramatic music is going onto overdrive, AND we go to an ad. This is going to be HUGE.

Where's the Ros'e?

Yeah, ok it wasn't huge at all. He just said she will when she makes the right guy. Mum has a nervous "mum conversation". I think you can tell poor Ma and Pa Jess are not happy with what is going on. I'm bored with this dinner party. There is not enough wine on the table to make this enjoyable.  They do that weird forehead kiss thing they do and then we are off to the Rose Ceremoany. Which is good because my battery is getting very low.

                   

The girls are back at the really big house, because after seeing what these girls have come from this is not impressive at all. Oshie is here, telling the girls how his bro is not taking this decision lightly. In walks Blake and he is looking sad. The girls are looking nervous. Here we go......

Lisa will you accept this rose.

Louise will you accept this rose. 

WTF either Sam or Jess is going home????? NOOOOOOOOO

Blake asks Jess to step outside. Sam looks confused.  OMG- he is breaking up with her, well he is trying to get her to break up with him 

You can almost hear Sam saying " WTF Blake?"

And I don't really understand what happened. Did she say she loved him or not?  Then Jess tells Sam that she has no idea what is about to happen. Oh God- we are all confused.

Blakes back inside, he picks up the rose, I am typing really fast because the music is really dramatic and fast......... Blake does a really big deep breathing thing and says...... SAM. Then Blake cries. And then Jess cries. And then the make up artist cries, because they realise they forgot to do Jess's nails.

Two episodes left.  Next week we head to South Africa, and then two head home.

The most boring reunion show EVER.

I missed last Thursdays night episode, because I was busy drinking copious amounts of tequila. It was top quality tequila though. I think that poor Zoe wishes she was drinking tequila because at least when she woke up the next day she wouldn't have remembered anything about the night before's rose ceremooooaaaannnny. I am still really confused as to why Louise is still there, and the one whose name I keep forgetting. The one who is not Jess or Sam.

So tonights episode is every mans worst nightmare. Being in a room with all your ex girlfriends. Well except he is not in the room. He has sent his bromance buddy Osher.

                                                 
                      "Please no not Bat Shit Crazy Amber"

Geez so many girls most who I don't recognise and they are using the Masterchef music, which makes me look around for Adriano Zumbo with a croquembouche. 

Osh talks to Diana (like the Princess) and Anida  (batshit crazy- but not as crazy as Amber). Anida is clearly mortified by her behaviour, and Diana just giggles, and for the record she has far too much magic silverwhite toner in her hair.

We saw a little fight between Laurina and Amber, and then they did this weird make up thing where Amber apologised and Princess Laurina humbly accepted the apology. Then they spoke to the new girls, and Laurina starting talking abut the "process", and how they made them question the "process". We revisit some of Ambers tantrums, including my favourite ever " The f-ing dog gets a date, but not Amber"

                       


Yeah- time for a bit of Laurina. Including her infamous "dirty street pie", and doing her hair whilst sky diving. Osh asks the hard questions like' "Are you really looking for love or were you promoting yourself. "(for the record yes she was you can make up your mind as to which bit). The best bit about this is that Laurina is actually quite funny, and she eats pies from the servo, and she wore no knickers under her cocktail bowling frock (she should have told Blake that, I bet he would have taken her somewhere for something more than a dirty street pie)

Oshie talks to Zoe who is actually quite sad, almoston the verge of tears. Chantal is cool with it all, because if nothing else she can put down that she was the (unofficial) host of a reality dating show.

Finally we relive the dates with the four remaining girls, first Louise (the girls say she is a lovely homemaker- the call her Stepford- but in the nicest possible way) The girls are surprised when they see footage of their dates. They think he is seeing a mother figure in Louise. She is quite a popular choice with the girls. Interesting.

Next we look at Jess. There is heated discussion over kissing. The girls don't believe they did. They did. With tongue. The girls call her "Magical Jess" because she speaks like everything is "magical". Thats funny.

                                           
"Hi- I'm Jess and the world is full of sunshine and lollipops and magic. Lots and lots of magic."


Next is the girl whose name I forget. It is Lisa. Lisa seems nice, but I just don't get it. She is like his little sister. I'm bored just watching the montage. But apparently she is nice. But who wants to be nice? 

Finally Sam. Her package is very cute. She is very cute. The girls are happy with her package as well. They all like her a lot. She is "real". 

So at the end of the episode the girls are torn between Sam and Jess.  So it's the choice between the real and the fake. Mmmmmm

Sorry this recap is boring, not much happened. Osher really needs to watch  "Real Housewives Reunion". Now thats television

Click Here to watch a moment from a real reunion show. Lets hope tomorrow nights episode is more exciting.

The Sydney Marathon. A review.

So last time we spoke I was on the verge of being sent to bed by my buddies, for demonstrating once again why I am the worst sober person in the world. In my defence I was also a little bit nervous, but I am a bad sober friend.

Those of you who follow me on Facebook have already seen some marathon snaps, but I think what everyone needs is a recap.

The day dawned with rain. At 3:30am. This was not part of my game plan (both the rain bit and the 3:30 bit) but I stayed in bed and snoozed on and off until 5 minutes before my alarm went off and I then fell into a deep sleep. Why is that always the way? At 5 I got up for real, had a cup of tea, my Clif bar (this was really good, I can highly recommend them).

Then THANK GOD I went to the toilet and did a poop. The reason I thank God for this is pooping my pants is always my biggest fear. Portal loos are foul and they stink, and there is nothing more painful than running when you need to poop.

My taped up feet. I am honoured to have perhaps the ugliest feet in the world. Check out that weird bone on my right foot. And this was BEFORE the run. Post run I am going to lose 3 toe nails. So my feet will be stunning for summer.

I got my gear on, taped my feet, wrote my times on my wrist, woke up my buddies, and out the door and walked to the start. Then it rained again. A slight drizzle, so it was all good. We got to the start, found my brother, kissed the crew good bye, and then we made our way to our starting bit. 42 kms of fun ahead. Now one amazing thing happened on my way up to the actual start. You see I have a marathon runners crush. I am in love with an 80's running legend Rob (Deek) De Costella. I love him so much that I had his quote "RUN THROUGH THE PAIN" written on my arm. As I was just about to run through the start I looked to my right and there he was. My running crush standing on the back of a ute talking. If nothing else I was a happy girl. I'm sure we made eye contact. Or he may have been looking at the guy yelling out " Onya Deek". Whatever.

We headed off towards the Harbour Bridge, me and my thousand or so new buddies, and a few hundred GoPros (do we really need to discuss that? Do you need to film yourself running. Live in the moment people), some of us knew what was ahead, others not so much. You could tell them because they were the ones who were sprinting. Rookie mistake. The only ones who can sprint a marathon are generally easy to spot because they are usually "well tanned" and from Africa (and never have a GoPro).

I will spare you a km by km account, but it was an amazing run, made even more amazing because I had my super amazing friends who were waiting for me at various places along the course. I can't tell you how much it meant to have them waving, cheering and high 5ing me. They helped make this one of the most amazingly fun days of my life. I am truly blessed to have these three amazing people in my life. ( I think the emotional "I am so exhausted that all I want to do is cry stage" is kicking in). I will, however, give you some highlights of the day.

1. I now know Sydney really, really well. And it is a very beautiful place. Except for the bit between the Rocks and Pyrmont. That is boring.

2. I know now to double check your playlist on your shuffle. This would be because it would seem that when I uploaded my super amazing tailor made playlist I accidentally uploaded the whole Shannon Noll collection. This did not make good running music. Except for the song " Lift". That did make me lift but only for the first 10 times I heard it.

3.It helps to have a nice looking man running in front of you. We called him the Sky News man. Even my friends spotted him.

4. No matter what bad shape you think you are in- there is always someone who is struggling more than you. On Sundays' run it was the poor man who had collapsed and was on a drip at the 41km mark. The marathon is 42km.

5. People are really nice and supportive. Strangers encouraging you on is pretty awesome. People are nice and some have really funny signs- like "Run faster- they are nearly out of your size finishers shirt." This made me run, because I only run for the tshirt. I never wear them, but that is besides the point.

6.You have not lived until you have run to the finishing outside the Opera House with hundreds of people cheering you on. I could maybe have done without the people who were dining and drinking wine. They could have at least offered a sip.

7.Make sure your knickers don't ride up. Otherwise you will end up with chafing on your butt. And that hurts.

8. Epson Salt baths are the best thing in the world.

9. Sore feet are the worst. At this point I think it is important to say this because I saw people running in bare feet. And one girl was running in socks. Which makes no sense, because her mum will never got those clean. There is not enough napisan in the world for that.

10. There is nothing nice about the 30-40km bit. It is long, you are tired and in the case of the Sydney Marathon- you see the finish line at 30kms. And then you have to take a turn to the left. It is sort of like when you get on a plane and you have to turn right into Economy, and to the left is Business Class. So close you can almost touch it, but to ever reach it seems impossible.

11. Most people don't like black jelly beans. I can tell you this because by the time I got to the jellybeans at about 38kms there was only black ones left. Luckily for me I like black jellybeans.

12.Don't take it too seriously. At 32kms my feet hit the wall. I was in so much pain and I realised that I could either push myself and hate every minute or I could take it easy, smile and enjoy it. I chose the latter and I DID enjoy it. I was the smiling high 5er. And I don't even understand high 5's.

13. In a big (lots of people) marathon you run further than 42.195kms. In my case I ran 43.89kms. This is from weaving and dodging around people. Especially those people who get in front of you at the drink stations. And then they stop. So you have to run around them, or slam into the back of them. Whatever works. So although my time was 11 minutes slower than my last marathon time, by the time I "adjusted" it, I actually ran a best time. Now I don't know if this is a legit running thing, but I don't care.

14. Running a marathon is like having a baby. Before you are excited but scared, because you know it is going to hurt, but it will be totally worth it. And when they put that medal around your neck, you forget how much it hurt (well sort of). And while we are on the subject of the medal- It could have been a little bit bigger. Just saying).

15. A beer is the best recovery food ever. It tastes amazing. Just remember that you are dehydrated and emotional. Too much alcohol will make you even more dehydrated and emotional.

16. Don't write your times on your wrist with a sharpie. It will rub off with the sweat. While we are talking about sweat did you know that your contact lenses get sweaty? Who knew?

So there you have it. The Sydney Marathon in a nutshell. As I finished I said never again. But on reflection I may have one more marathon left in me. I said to my brother that maybe Melbourne next year. He didn't say yes, but then he didn't say no either.....

                       I looked better than I felt. Trust me.

Twas the night before the Marathon

Alright everyone. It is the eve of our marathon and I am feeling quiet. I am also feeling very, very sober. And I don't like it one bit. It is my friends Birthday and my two girlfriends are having a grand time necking a few bottles of Moet, while I am having a grand time necking a bottle of water. It is honestly not the same. I have realised why our friendship works. Because we usually all drink together. I never realised drunk people were so annoying. AND LOUD.

So I am just about all ready to go. I have just managed to get rid of a two day headache, which is not a two day hangover, no matter how much my husband thinks it is. (Note to self, don't call you husband after you have been drinking tequila- no matter how much of a good idea it seemed at the time.)

My shoes are ready, my pants are ready, I have my hat, my taping stuff for my feet. I also had the most genius idea during the week. NUROFEN GEL ON YOUR FEET! Honestly I don't know why no one has ever thought of this before. Or why I didn't think of it before. Painful balls of your feet are a thing of the past. Take that high heels. Seriously try it.

My top however,is not ready, because I realised today that I have forgotten to take it for a run. This means it could do one of the worst possible things. Ride up and that would mean I would have to pull it down every 5 minutes. I have my gels, I have my jelly beans for the final 10kms (because I have a tendency to do a few little baby vomits after 30kms and I can't do anymore Gels.) I have my immodiums ready so there is no pooping of the pants. I have my music ready, my watch ready, my number is ready and I have carb loaded. Assisted with a cupcake.

I have arranged to meet my running buddy- my brother. He has not had a drink for two weeks. Sometimes I question we are related. I tried to give up drinking once. It was the worst week of my life. We have also arranged out post run functions. My amazing friends have made me signs. They were going to keep them a surprise but they forgot to hide them. ( did I mention the drinking?).

The signs with a special shout out to Dawn for the Louis Vuitton Sale quote.

So I will catch you all on the other side, maybe a little bit tired and sore. My friends are making me go to bed. They are saying it's because I need to sleep, but to be honest I think I am so grumpy they just want to get rid of me.

The Bachelor, or the one where Laurina gets this weird look on her face.

Now I have come in half way through tonights episode because I went out for dinner, and I must admit I was very confused because it seemed I had come in halfway through Sam and Blakes wedding. I wondered what had happened in that 30 minutes of television. Then I realised I was actually late for the first date of the episode and Sam and Blake were just pretending to be at their wedding. 

I couldn't find a snap of the faux wedding, but I did find a picture of the girls at a slumber party. Because thats what all girls do- don't they?

Do I need to say it was the most romantic date Sam has ever been on? Sam also went to get her mints which she had popped in her bra, and then the slipped and fell into her belly button. Seriously if Blake has not just fallen head over heels in love with her for that, he is after the wrong chick. She got a rose. (Well deserved Sam)

Group date time. They arrive and it is BEAUTIFUL.Their words, not mine. The girls are all dressed in their best Camilla kaftans (of are they kaftans from the Katherine Kelly (Brooke Logan) range?). Osher has obviously just called in on his way to a sailing meet, because he is wearing a spray jacket. The girls are all out to "out happy" each other, because they have so few dates left.

I feel Jess and Laurina are going to battle in this episode, and then some belly dancers rock up and the girls take turns to do sexy belly dancing in front of Blake. It is like the dance of scene in White Chicks. I am feeling very, very embarrassed.

Blake takes Lousie (who must have the night off from news reading) for a chat, and they had the same conversation they had last week. Blake is comfortable around Louise. I am comfortable in my pyjamas, but that doesn't mean I want to marry them. 

The girls are having dinner, which looks quite yummy, and they talk about movies and stuff, and the music is getting slow, so it must be romantic. Jess is talking about something and the girls are glazing over. Lisa is using the word connection. Twice in a sentence.  Jess and Blake go out for "special time" and Laurina is calling her beige and vanilla which I find hilarious. Jess is now reciting a monologue that she performed for her Year 12 drama exam. They are communicating with their eyes. Then Blake drops a clanger. "He has more of a deep connection with some of the other girls!!!"

Thank God he has Laurina for some special time.  She says they have some foundations of connections. Blake asks about their future. She want intimacy (so do the producers!). And then Blake touched his eye. She completely loses her shit. He says he has something in his eye. She says he is showing no respect for a future soul mate. She goes all cold, and then she touches her eye. I never knew touching your eye meant so much. Laurina had better not ever go out with someone who wears contact lenses.

Ceremoany time, with the token cocktail party. Blake saunters in and I think he has fallen victim to "too much dude food in the bachelor pad" That suit is tight.

 Blake and Laurina have some special time, and I think the penny has dropped that Laurina is a little bit.....crazy. He body language is closed and she has this weird look plastered on her face. Blake is having a moment, and she goes to get a mint. I think mentos should have sponsored this episode.

 She is playing a game. I don't think she is as good as it as she thinks. She is now talking about how they can move to Melbourne, how she has mates, real estate contacts, where they will live happily ever after, with this really scary look on her face.  I think she has really gone nuts. I often think that Laurina is like Sophie Lees character in Muriels Wedding.

Lisa and Blake have a chat and I think just quietly he is relieved to be around someone normal. Except tonight she has verbal diarrhoea and is not making much sense.
                                           
Rose time! There are only four roses. They all use the word connection. The tension is building. First rose is...Louise, then Jessica and Zoe. We are left with Laurina and Lisa.  Everyone is shocked. The final rose goes to...........Lisa. Laurina (dirty street pie is gone).  Laurina gets that weird look on her face again. I am half expecting her to say " Well I wanted to go anyway." I don't think she is really that upset . She has got in enough promotion for her business.

I have the best idea for tomorrow nights ceremoany. The one girl DOESN'T say 'connection' gets a rose.

There will be no blog from me tomorrow night, because I am off to the land of The Bachelor- Sydney. But don't worry, as I drive over the Harbour Bridge I will pretend I am on my way to my dream date with Blake.

The Marathon - we are 6 days away.

                                            

If you have been following my Blog you will know that I am running a marathon. Well this marathon is on Sunday. Yep. This Sunday. It is around this time that you start thinking "What the hell was I thinking (or wasn't thinking) .

Because it always does sound like a good idea when you start. Even the training seems like a good idea. Until you hit the long runs, well specifically half way through one of the long runs. Your brain starts saying things like" I have only run 22kms and I am stuffed- How am I going to do double this?"

The your training hits some road bumps. Like you get the flu, you go on holidays, or you go out and drink to much and are too hung over to go running.

So after four months of training- here I am fitter and 7kgs lighter (that was through dieting and had nothing to do with the running. You get soooo hungry from the training that all you want to do it eat). Oh did I also mention tired? 

I have bought and have worn in my new runners, bought new running pants, and new top for the big day (all of which have been worn to check for chaffing). I have enough Gu's and Gels and running belt (to hold the Gu's, a tissue and my phone). I have some neurofen gel for my feet, immodium to prevent "runners trots" (Google it- or youtube it if you are feeling brave) In fact one of the only thing left is to load my shuffle up with some awesome running music.

                          

Carb loading begins on Thursday (a slight bump in the road will be a boozy lunch on Friday- but booze has carbs- right?). Saturday will be hydrating and resting my body for the nightmare that is 42.2km. 

                           

I am trying to prepare myself psychologically- I know I will start feeling excited and amazing, then I will wonder what was I was thinking, then I will think I don't want to do it anymore, then I will think I can't do it anymore, then I will think I really can't do it anymore, and then I will get there. Somehow.

                               

And then will come the after party- and I am sure it will all be worth it. Sort of.

                                                     

Teacher wants a Wine

Some times I am full of good ideas. This one hit me this afternoon as I was leaving work and I thought to myself.'Geez I want a wine." (for the record I bought a bottle of Rose and am drinking it as we speak). And then I thought that would be the best reality show EVER.

So I then got to thinking -how could this show even work. Obviously the first problem would be getting permission for the kids to appear on the show. But then I thought easy- we can just blur out their faces. Obviously we need a water tight contract on this one as well- because you know parents would never believe that their kids were bad, and the kids would say "it was the editing."


                           

The show would begin at an "average" leafy green school in a suburb of Australia. It has to be a Government school because otherwise the challenge would be a completely different one. I was also thinking the maybe the role of the"teachers" should be done by someone who is not a teacher, but someone who says 

1. Teaching is easy
2. Teachers are always on holidays so what are they complaining about
and
3. They only work 9-3.

Then I realised that the show would only last a day. So that would never work.

So here is my idea.

At the beginning of a term (10 weeks so a nice length for a season) and a group of teachers are given a specific class in a year group and all have to teach the same subject. The classes will be a mix of abilities, girls and boys,but  each class must include 

• at least 4 students with learning disabilities,
•  one with autism, 
• 4 cases of ADHD -one of which MUST be untreated (because their parents don't like them being medicated during the day, only at night time), 
• one who has English as a second language, 
• one who comes to school with no food or equipment, 
• one who hates the world
• one who hates teachers
• one who is always late
• one who has "emotional" issues
• one who has two cans of Red Bull or Monster for breakfast
• one who parents are splitting up ( but this is only seems to happen when the child is in Year 12 when they are about to sit their exams)
•  one who thinks the only way to speak to an adult is with contempt
• and the one who "never does anything wrong- and all the teachers pick on."

The teacher then has to teach a program, examine it, and report on it by a certain date. Sounds easy BUT marks are lost IF

• the students don't hand in work (that is your fault- did you clearly state when the work was due, and did you remind them?)
• the students fail (once again- why aren't you motivating them? Were your lessons engaging?)
• the students get stressed (why are you stressing my child?)

The trick is of course, that you will also have students out of class randomly at various times, including assemblies, needles, excursions and camps. No need to worry about public holidays- they only fall in the school holidays. 

                             

Eliminations will happen every week.  Students will sit a test, and the three lowest scores will have you up for elimination. Of course if you cry you are automatically be up for elimination. If you ARE nominated for elimination you can get a free pass. IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO DRINK FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

If you are safe from elimination you get a bottle of wine to get you through to the next week.

If you win- you get a job at a top notch "leafy green" school in the Government system- teaching only the Academic Excellence students who have 3 meals a day with snacks, have internet, computers and all equipment needed. And a really big bottle of wine. And you never have to do duty. EVER AGAIN. 

What do you think? Anyone want to apply?