Maybe I should be playing the Bachelor drinking game. Everytime someone says the words "amazing", "go for a walk", "connection", "excited", "let your guard down",when Blake giggles , or you see a Sydney Harbour shot, you drink.
So here we go and I will try to be kind. Our episode begins with the girls talking about it how awesome it is now that Amber has gone home. Osher is here! And tonights surprise is........ TWO DATE CARDS. A Single and a Group Date. AND THEY LEAVE IN AN HOUR. Open those envelopes bitches you have some getting ready to do! Single date is ....Jess. And lets just say Jess is a touch excited. Laurina not so much. In fact she even cracks a facial expression when she is trying to make fun of Jess.
The group date girls, all secretly wishing they could put their sunnies on.
Group date is.....Chantel, Rachel, Lisa, Mary, Zoe and Sam. Amazingly the girls are all really happy they are going on a group date. Blake has arranged for a boat (amazing) to go on a cruise of the Harbour.(drink) And here comes Blake in a dumb hat. Hang on- am I hearing a little lisp from our Blakey? The girls strip down to their togs and Blake, thank God, takes off that stupid hat. He and Rachel go for a walk (drink) have an awkward chat, where they have nothing to say to each other. NOTHING,ZIP, ZILCH. I am feeling awkward now. Time to move on Blake.
To Sam. I like Sam. If I wasn't team Jess I would definitely be team Sam. Blake is rubbing lotion on her back, and they have the same conversation that they had last night. We get it Sam, you are worried about letting your guard down and you have been hurt. Maybe you should have thought about that before you went on a competition to win the heart of someone you don't know?? Sam professes her love for Blake, and he rewards her with a rose. It is sort of like that moment when someone says "I love you" and you say "Cool".
God help us- they are dancing
Back at the really big house, the girls are chatting to Jess about her upcoming date. Laurina tells us how she is threatened by Jess. Laurina is now bitching and making fun of Jess. WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? She has really let her guard down. (drink)
Harbour Shot (drink), back on the boat, back to some bitching. I am starting to get the idea that maybe Lisa doesn't really like Blake all that much. I think she has just come along for the ride.
Single date time with Jess, who is dressed in a seriously weird outfit. I am hoping she was dressed by the wardrobe department, because if that was just something she had her in bag, that is some weird shit. They arrive at a train station, suitable for her "old fashioned views and values". Jess is excited (she is excited a lot. I can slowly feel her becoming a tad annoying). Blake says they have a connection (drink) A man with a very weird voice tells them it is time for high tea.
This was the only shot of the dress I could find. It doesn't do it justice- it is way uglier than this!!!
Back to the really big house. Chantal, Sam and Laurina are bitching about Jess. Laurina says Blake needs to be overexposed to Jess to work out that she is painful (I may have paraphrased that). Back on the train (and let me say this is nothing like the Armadale line) Blake says their connection (drink) is still there. Jess is opening up, but I am distracted by the little fascinator that is slowly falling out of her hair. They move to the back of the train and it is amazing (I would be soo drunk by now) and they kiss. HANG ON- you can't kiss before you get your rose!!!!!
The most boring date in the world continues and they are going on a romantic row in a boat on a lake. I momentarily get excited, hoping they might do a Brigit Jones/ Hugh Grant moment. No such luck. But they are doing this weird shit where they keep touching forehead. I need some subtitles. They pass again. Oh my God, Blake has just asked Jess if she believe in love at first sight? I think our Blake is in love, because lets face it, I don't think he is that good and actor. And she gets A ROSE!!!!! They pash, and the boat flips over. ( No it doesn't ,I was just hoping.)
Cocktail party time!! Louise has had her roots done, so Blake takes her for a walk. Mary (she is a new one) wants to talk to Blake. Rach (the other new one) is nervous because she is boring. Lisa is "approached"-thats code for "lets go for a walk, so you get some air time and I don't have to take you on a date." Zoe is starting to get narky with Lisa, hang on so it Laurina, and Jess and Chantal- OMG this is getting hectic!!! Jess "bumps"into Blake, they are hugging, Laurina is about to pop a vein.
I'm sorry-you are not Australia's Next Top Model.
Rose Ceremoooannnyyy time!!! Oshie arrives And OMG TWO ARE LEAVING THE REALLY BIG HOUSE. Poor Osher has to do all of Blakes dirty work. Lisa gets a rose...Louise with her blonde roots gets a rose......Chantal and her boobs get a rose.... Lauren (who?) gets a rose... Laurina whose face is becoming more relaxed by the minute gets a rose. We are down to three, Mary, Boring Zoe and Boring Rachel. Boring Zoe gets the rose. Surely this must be a mistake??? Mary was cool.
Anyway off the evictees go into the car, over the Bridge and far away. Lucky they are both from Sydney so they don't have far to go.
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