It's official- I have cabin fever.

Well actually I have a respiratory infection, but it has seen me take to my bed and 4 days later I am still here waiting for the anti biotics to kick in. I always fancy the idea of a few days in bed, and it is enjoyable, but I think the 4th day is pushing it. I also can't sleep, because as soon as I swallow I wake up. So I have had not much to do beside watch a lot of daytime television, and surfing the net (do people still say that?).  I have also booked a camping holiday, and tried to stop the dogs eating my pens, cough lollies, and drinking my red cordial. The red stained fur was a give away.

I love television, and the only thing I love more than television is crap television. My channels of choice have been the You and the Food Channels, and man do they have some crap on those. I have watched Embarrassing Bodies ( you see some stuff that can't be unseen on that), Secret Eaters (What?? Alcohol has calories I had no idea???)

Embarrassing Bodies-Do not watch this with your kids unless you want to do some seriously explaining- or scare the bejesus out of them.

Although my favourite part of this was when the two ladies who could't work out why they were getting fat, rolled up at the final segment with a bag from Macca's with a sneaky cheeseburger and fries inside. Don't tell the Bride has also been a favourite (why would the Bride get upset that there was no money left for a wedding dress?) as has One Born Every Minute. Yesterday a lady who had a brain injury had a baby and she was worried they would take her baby away. I cried.

I have also been watching Paul Hollywoods Pies and Puds- I am an expert on making butter frosting with an Italian Meringue base, and Come Dine with Me Couples has taught me that every relationship has a loud person and a quiet person, and one who can cook and one who can't. Oh and also never tell your wife that you wish she would have a boob job. That didn't go down well especially when you are on a show with knives.

What happened to SuperNanny?

Wife Swap has also been watched (there was a very white man who is a Rastafarian- which I still thing is just as way of validating your decision to live a life of smoking weed and not working), and Super Nanny (what happened to her?). Super Nanny amazes me because lets face it, is it that hard to work out how to use the Naughty corner/stair/room? I did get a good chuckle about the mum who needed help with her kids, especially because in her former working life she was a child behaviouralist!!!

Bingle is preggers.

The Internet has been a source of information. I have learnt that Mother Teresa was not so saintly after all (honestly- really? that little old lady? Surely not).

Apparently this is the image of evil. No not Diana, the other one.

A girl in Sydney ran away because she fought with her dad over a chocolate bar (totally understand that, I get really, really, really mad when someone eats the last Moro bar out of the box of Favourites). 

Don't steal my Moro bar, even if they are a poor mans Mars Bar.

Apparently women in their 40's are the new sexy (well durr!!!), Lara Bingle is definitely pregnant, well according to the photos and the fact that she went shopping for baby clothes in Dior, but I am not sure if she photoshopped her legs or not (and I don't really care about that and she has also released a tanning and bronzing range) Although I do think that Britney has gone over board with the photoshop, and somehow has turned into Jessica Simpson.

This is Britney Spears. Honestly.Well a photoshopped version. 

So that is what I have been doing for the last 4 days. I have to go now because "Undercover Doctor- Cure Me I'm Gay" is on, at the moment the man is getting rid of the hosts' pink shirts and loafers, because they are "gay" as is Mozart apparently (the man who performed this "therapy" now lives with his male partner mmm) and apparently you become gay because you have s childhood trauma. And also because  there is this ad for something called Dragons Blood moisturiser is on. It makes you look younger- and you get a free gift!!

Cast members of The Bachelor... your 15 minutes is officially up

I never thought these words would ever cross my lips, but I am officially sick of The Bachelor. Yep, I have said it out loud. I no longer want to hear anymore. Or read it. EVERYWHERE.

So let me get you up to speed.

Blake picked Sam, Blake proposed to Sam, she said yes, Blake broke up with Sam, Sam didn't know why. Rumours started that Lisa was pregnant with Blakes' baby. Lisa denied this. Blake came out and said he was in love with Osher. Jokes, he came out and say he had made a big mistake, was told to pick Sam and also to propose to her by the Producers when really he was in love with Louise....  the whole damn time.

Blake and Louise fled to Phuket, sold their story to Womens' Day, and then had to do an interview with The Project or else they would be sued by Shine Productions. Sam and Lisa also did an interview with The Project, refuting everything that Blake and Louise said, and also inferred that Louise was a little bit... umm how do I put this....dumb and also only wanted to be a wife. That is their words not mine. There is nothing dumb about wanting to be a wife. Or partner. Or whatever takes your fancy. No judgement here.

                     

Lisa then said that Blake had contacted her and asked her if she wanted to get her groove on with him. Then an Instgram war broke out with all parties trying to out fun each other like all mature adults would do. Sam also did the "you may have Blake but  all the other girls are hanging out with me" manoeuvre.

Look how much fun Blake and I are having! 

Look how much fun all the other girls except for you and I are having!

I also need to add that Sam's has had a boyfriend before even though she said she had not. He also happened to be the guy that used to be on Home and Away. 

Sam and her previous boyfie- the guy that used to be on Home and Away.

The final stage in this saga is that Blake has come out and said in this weeks Womens Day - he obviously has sign a 3 story deal- that Lisa actually tried to contact him first and asked about getting HER groove on with him and that she may not be as honest as we all thought (except of course those of us who knew that she lied about the house she lived in during the home visits, so maybe she was a liar all along.). 

I also need to say that Amber is in the news because she is sick of people saying she is fat and she used to have an eating disorder, Zoe is in love with someone that used to be on The Voice (or X Factor- whatever), and Lisa is judging Fashion on the Fields at the Races.

So I think we can sum it up with this. Maybe people who go on a television show looking for love with a complete stranger and sharing him with 25 others maybe are looking for a Media career and not love after all. Who knew.

Now lets never speak of them ever again.

I'm outraged

I don't get outraged by much and when I do it is usually over important things, like not being able to buy Urban Decay makeup in Perth or George Clooney marrying some fancy schmancy Human Rights lawyer who not only got Clooney but also a pretty fine wardrobe for her wedding weekend, but right now I AM OUTRAGED.

Damn her, and her and her good looking husband and Stella McCartney outfit.


Let me start at the beginning. I am generally not a crazy feminist and I am happy with some gender roles- like boys take out the rubbish, remove the dead mice that the cat has caught  and lift heavy stuff, and girls do stuff like cook and have more outfit choices than just shorts and trousers I also believe that anyone can go a job no matter what their sex. In fact I think I am not a feminist, but rather and Equalitist (I made that word up, but it works- doesn't it?)  but today I discovered something that made me OUTRAGED.

Where I live if you want your child to go to a ridiculously overpriced Private school, you have to enrol them at conception. I actually don't have an issue with Government schools because I work in one, but it is all relative to where you live and the schools around you. My youngest daughter is at the moment enrolled at four Private schools. Needless to say we are hedging out bets. Did I also mention the non refundable deposit?? No wonder those schools have such lovely lawn.

So as the year that she will begin at one of these schools gets closer, we are getting letters and school magazines, lots and lots of magazines confirming our details. We got one such letters on Thursday. Tonight I got it out of the envelope and checked our details. I discovered that even though my husband and I both do the same job- Teachers- it would appear that my husband is an ACADEMIC. I on the other hand am an EDUCATOR.

Seriously WTF? This from a girls school where I am hoping they are educating the young ladies to become anything they can be (as we do in the State system) they are making a distinction between sexes?  Why are we both not Educators? You will note that I did not say Academics, because I am not an Academic, I am an educator and pleased to be one- I am proud that my job involves educating young people and arming them with some skills to get through life, even if at times that skill is how to guess who the killer is in a movie in the first 15minutes, or the difference between a stereotype and a subculture (because that is very important. sort of) And also if I am completely honest it is a bit of a push to put Academic and me in the same sentence.

                             

So while I am not sufficiently outraged enough to rip up the application, I am outraged enough to tell my daughter that she is just as smart as any boy and can be anything she wants. Except a Collingwood supporter, because no one wants one of those in the family.

Looking for a new job?

I have been job hunting. Not for me (I am far to comfortable where I am and I am just getting too old to be making new work friends, people are starting to bug me for no reason- thats a sign of old age isn't it?). I have been job searching for my son. Now I know he should be doing this himself, but as he wants to work as much as I like marking kids work,  I am taking action.

I have been going where apparently all job hunters go these days which is Seek. com .They don't do jobs in the paper anymore. Who knew? It would seem that job hunters don't read papers anymore, so the only jobs that appear in the paper are presumably ones that no ones wants. Like a stylist at Suzanne Grae.

So onto Seek I went to find some jobs. And then I realised something. There were so many jobs that I didn't understand. Well I did understand but they all had different names. A coffee maker is now called a Barista, and sales assistant is now called Customer relations advisor - or is the case of Lulu Lemon- an educator. A beautician is now called a beauty therapist- which I guess considering what they must have to listen to they do offer some therapy. When you go to a hairdresser you get a Colourist, not just a stylist.

The nightfall person at the shops is called a Stock Recoverer, and person who works at a clothes shop is a stylist, a barman is called a "mixologist" (which is very cool) and although it was ages ago they changed the name of an Air Hostess to a flight attendant. I actually think though that Hostess is way cooler than Attendant. Like they are hosting a party that you have paid lots of money to go to where they serve really bad food,  monitor your drinks, and the toilets are really dodgy (never go bare foot or wear your socks to the toilet on a plane. I repeat NEVER.) Sort of like any School Ball you have ever been to really. A mum is not even a mum anymore- they are domestic engineers.

So apart from my job confusion, I noticed that there was a new kind of job genre. A coach. Not like a footy coach, but coaches for all kind of things. You can amongst others things get a Life Coach,  a Fitness Coach and my two personal favourites a Bridal Coach and a Diet Coach. Yep you read those last two correctly.

                       
              I think this is what a diet coach would say.

A diet coach works like a sponsor for AA. When you feel a cupcake (or iced doughnut yummmm) calling you give them a call and they talk you down. I assume they don't say things like "Put the cupcake down, Fatty" but rather- "Do you really need that cupcake?" I would imagine your response would depend on just how hungry you are, because when I want a cupcake, I want a friggin cupcake. Although it must be white cake with lots of butter icing. No chocolate mud cakes for me.  Now as I see it there is a major flaw with this system- YOU have to call them when you want to cheat. As a sneaky eater, I can tell you that the key is in the name- "sneaky", that is, you don't tell anyone because you are being...sneaky.

                 
Now this would be a much more effective way of diet coaching.

Once when I was listening to the radio that they were talking about school mums who have a "sneaky cheesy".  I had no idea what this was, but assumed it was when they went to the school they got a cheesy from the canteen, which for the record was the absolute best part about school, except for Jupiter Bars and Nut Chews obviously. 

Jupiter Bars- remember them? well if you went to school in the 80's.

You can make your own cheesy's when you grate the cheese, mix it with a bit of water so it is a paste, smooth it on half one of those really sweet hamburger buns and bake it in the oven. Never, ever grill. But no- apparently it is a "thing". Mums drive through Maccas on the way to do school pick up and grab a cheeseburger. Hence the "sneaky cheesy". Genius because if you go when you have the kids they always want something. And if that kid is a 17 year old boy they always want a Mighty Angus burger. With fries. AND upsized.

                                
This is a Bridal Coach, but not the sort of Bridal coach I am talking about.

Bridal Coach was one I really didn't understand, and I had to Google it to find out what a Bridal Coach actually was. It would appear that a Bridal Coach is a very clever women (because I could actually only find one) who has worked out that Brides to be are completely void of any sense of reason when they are caught in the love blur. You hire your Bridal Coach and have a 2 hour meeting where they tell you what you need to do to plan your wedding. And that is it. Yep, they will charge you a ridiculous amount of money to tell you every thing that your mum/sister/friend/ aunty/ Bride-to-Be magazine will tell you for free, except that because it came from you Bridal Coach it is obviously hold more authority.

I must admit I was a bit disappointed because I imagined someone in a tracksuit, sort of like Sue Sylvester from Glee, blowing her whistle and yelling at you through a megaphone coaching you how to be a Bride and have the appropriate hissy fits, panic attacks, calling off the wedding because you can't find the right lipstick, losing all sense of reason and deciding that $10 000 is perfectly reasonable for a cake, and cracking it if you don't get everything on your Bridal registry. Because you really do need a $500 matching salt and pepper shaker.

Sue Sylvester could be a Bridal AND Diet coach in one.

Road Rage. Some days it is totally understandable.

I have a 30 minute drive to work that is timed to perfection. I know exactly what time I need to leave home (7:46), what time I have to leave Before School Care by at the latest (7:58) in order to make it to work in time to turn on my computer, check my pigeon hole, make a cup of tea and have a quick chat to some work buddies all before the bell goes. Actually my whole mornings are timed to perfection down to the time I need to leave to go and exercise(5:15), how long I can spend in the shower (10minutes), how long I have to do my hair and makeup (10 minutes),how many times I have to tell Indi to put her shoes on (3) and brush her teeth (2). Breakfast is eaten in the car, although the toast is put in the toaster between the final "put on your shoes" and the first "brush your teeth"

                      


So you can understand why some mornings I can totally understand how road rage happens. Let me talk you through my drive to work today.

1. Driving down my street. The car coming the other way has cars parked in front of them, so in theory they should wait for me. Of course they don't, they speed up. And then they don't have the decency to do a courtesy wave. So I did a wave in the hope it would make them feel guilty. Don't think it worked.

                                   


2. At the lights the car behind me decided they don't want to merge and MUST get in front of me. Dude it is a 40km sped limit AND there is a bus. You aint getting that much of an advantage.

                                            


3. There are two lanes. The right lane has a red light, the left lane has a green arrow. I am turning left, there are no cars in the left lane. Until the idiot in the right lane decided to pull into the left lane. AND DOESN'T TURN LEFT.

4. Pull up at the lights. In the right lane. Check the car in front is not turning right. They aren't. Until the light turns GREEN, and then decided to indicate. Seriously it is called a indicator for a reason. TO INDICATE WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

                         


5. The speed limit is 70. Two cars are driving side by side. Doing 60. All the way down Orrong Road.( for roughly 15 minutes for those of you who are not locals)
                             

6. They then see the light is turning amber. They both speed up so they get through the green light. I don't.

7. The lady in front of me changes lanes. Without looking in the rear vision mirror. I think trick is also in the name. REAR VISION MIRROR. Not  the "check out your pimple mirror", or "put your makeup on mirror".

8. Driving up Lesmurdie Hill. Two cars are driving side by side. Doing 60. The speed limit is 80. And then when I can eventually pass they are not looking when I give them a dirty look. So unsatisfying.

                                                     

9. Reach the 40km school zone. To the lady in the white car- when you see that sign that says " End of School Zone" it generally means you can do the speed limit again.

10. Reach Kalamunda. Land of the slowest drivers in the world. It seems that the formula for the speed you drive is your age (Once you hit 60) minus 20, going up in increments of 10 with each decade you reach. So if you are 60 you drive 40, 70 you drive 30, 80 you drive 20 and so on. And as the average age of people in Kalamunda is 80 you can imagine the nightmare.

Lucky for everyone involved I am an awesome driver, who never does anything wrong. Never had an accident that was my fault. And Justin if you are reading this- the scrape, I repeat the SCRAPE on the Mercedes was not my fault. It was the fault of the dumb arse council who didn't remove the whole bit of concrete.

I think I accidentally joined a Cult.

I tend to lots of things by accident, like buying a puppy when I am meant to be buying cat food, or buying myself a skirt, top, and shoes when I am only meant to be accompanying my husband while he buys a suit. I also, sometimes, accidentally tend to drink too much and get a little bit drunk (er) than expected.  But joining a Cult was not one thing I was expecting to accidentally do. I am officially a member of the "getting your nails done" cult. And I am not proud. But geez my nails look good.

                            

These are not my nails. But seriously- how do they do that???

I always had this belief that getting your nails done was filed under "Aint nobody got time for that" category, but some how I am a fully paid up member with the loyalty card to prove it.

This is an example of " Aint nobody got time for that nails

                         
Before I joined the cult I was perfectly happy to do my nails myself. The job may have been dodgy, but nothing a bit of nail polish remover couldn't fix (or a good scrub in the shower if the polish got on my skin). I used to relish going to Priceline to buy a new Essie shade each payday, and there was nothing more satisfying than the whole 1 hour I experienced of perfectly painted nails. Well as long as I didn't paint them too close to bed time and I ended up with the sheet pattern imprinted on them. Without doubt my beautiful nails would be chipped within hours, hence the reason why I always seemed to be painting them. Well that and having to pay the wages of everyone who worked for Essie.

                           
Here is an example of what not to do to your nails when you are going for a job interview, for anything other than a Kindy Teacher. Or a drug dealer


I blame my girlfriend Nicole. She was my enabler. She took me to the nail Temple in the local shopping centre to get my nails done for my Birthday. Of course I had Shellac, not realising that Shellac is nail talk for " once you get your nails shellacked you are in the Cult for life because your polish never chips, and if you decide to not get them redone your nails are destroyed until the new nail grows through.

I am now so far entrenched in the Nail Cult that I even now get my toes done. And lets face it there is nothing that hard about painting your toe nails. Although I don't get them shellacked because as firmly as entrenched in the Cult as I am, I am very much aware that your "normal" toe nail polish lasts 3 weeks without chipping.

So every three weeks I enter the Temple of the Shellac, I sit in a chair, get my nails wrapped in alfoil and acetone to melt the shellac. I then work myself up into a sheer panic because I can't decide what colour to get because there is SO MUCH DAMN CHOICE! I finally decide on the colour I get every single time, even though I have just spend 10 minutes flicking through plastic painted pretend nails.

                           
                              Halloween ideas anyone?

I then sit and listen to other peoples conversations and try to make sure my new Vietnamese friends are talking about me (Although as I don't understand Vietnamese, I would have no idea if they were talking about me or not).  My Vietnamese  ladies and I are such good friends now that they asked me where my daughter was and told me I was a mean mum for not bringing her. I watch the very same Jennifer Lopez music video that is on EVERY time I go in there (that is a blog all on its own- she is older than me, should she be wearing a body suit dancing in falling glitter and not much else?) and pop my hands under the UV light all the time trying not to think about whether it really could give me all skin cancer. I did momentarily think about putting some sunblock on my hands, and then got distracted by JLo's butt.

One day JLo your kids are going to be sooooo embarrassed. They will be in therapy with Madonna's kids

The final part of the adventure is leaving. Because it is like shopping at Target- the price you pay at the end is a complete surprise. Sometimes it is $40, sometimes $45. Today I paid $80 (please Alison my sister in law if you are reading this I know this doesn't fit into my budget but I HAVE to have good nails, it's like a rule) for my hands and my feet. I have no idea how they got to that price, but all I know is that I  left the Temple feeling happy, and like I belonged which is the aim of every good Cult. 

These are not my nails. But secretly I wish they were. They would be very good for people who are trying to stop picking their nose.

Whats is my make up bag.

You know I love to mix things up so I thought I would let you know what are my current stand bys in case you feel the need for some make up shopping (and who doesn't).

My current primer is a mix between Loreal Magic Blur and Hourglass Veil mineral primer. 

The Hourglass product is amazing, but I currently am still using a sample, so I am saving it for best. When I get paid I will be at Mecca making a purchase.

My new foundation is Nars Sheer Glow ($59). It is a really nice natural coverage but you can build it up. It also feels really nice on, like you are wearing nothing at all!

                                                         

When I got this it was a toss up between this and the new Estee Lauder foundation Perfectionist Youth Infusing Makeup ($68).

                                                                 


 This is a new product and you can buy a pretty nifty brush to go with it. I tried a sample in a magazine and it was nice, but the Nars won out, because I love Nars.

My concealer is still YSL Touche Eclat. 

                                                      

I don't have much of an issue with dark circles, but when I do I use a proper concealer. I think I have MAC at the moment.

Eyes are easy at the moment Mascara is still Benefit They're Real,

                                                                 


 it gives a nice natural but way better look. Eyeshadow is MAC Brule (I am on holidays so I am going "natural".)

Lipstick is my new Nars Lipstick in Mayflower.

                                                               

 On the website the colour looks quite brown, but it is not it is more a natural raspberry pink. I am wearing it with a little splash of Nars Gloss in Orgasm.

                                                                   

Blush is Nars Orgasm and I still do a bit of my all time fave- Hourglass Ambient lighting powder

                                                         

I know all of these items are pretty pricey- but never fear, tomorrow I will give you some cheaper options. One bit of advice is if you get a sample of a product -try it. Even if the colour is not quite right it will give you a good idea of how the product will look and feel.

Remember all the links will lead you to shopping!

The 13 foods I don't understand

I love food. All sorts of food, but if it one thing I have learnt from  my few days at home in front of the Food Channel, there are some foods I really don't get. Except from some of the food on Deep Fried Masters. I got all of that except for deep fried butter. How the hell do you deep fry butter?

Here is a list of food I really don't understand.
                                   
           Weet bix- Australia for soggy bits of cardboard.

1. Weet Bix. Yuck, texture like vomit. Tastes like cardboard unless you add sugar, and eat quickly. The only thing I understand less than Weetbix is gluten free Weetbix, because isn't wheat....gluten??

2. Sundried tomato. I am a bit iffy with tomato - unless it is in a sauce or the seeds are removed, but I really don't like them. They taste oily. A waste of time.


                           
           Why ruin a perfectly good cake with soggy cherries?

3.Black Forest Cake. Why would you ruin a cake with a lovely chocolate icing by putting soggy cherries and jam in it? I like cherries, if there is a cherry in your drink I will steal it off you. But in a cake, soggy. Yuk.

4. Chocolate mud cake. Tastes like plasticine. Enough said.

5. Black current flavoured anything except for Ribena.        Because that just tastes like purple sugar.

6. Crabs. So much effort for so little reward.

7. Decaf coffee. Do I need to say more?

8. Soy milk. It just tastes weird. Now part of my dislike could be because when both my elder children where little they couldn't drink dairy, so the only option was soy milk formula. Lets just say once that smell of soy milk vomit gets up your nose, it never goes away.

                              
To you this may look yummy. To me it is a great big bowl of food poisoning.

9. Mussels. I got food poisoning from mussels once. And I have a cast iron stomach. Those things must have been really, really bad.

10. Wholemeal pasta. If you are going to have pasta you know you are no about to have anything healthy. You have it for the carbs. Because carbs are king.

11. Bourbon. Although not technically a food, I don't do brown drinks. I haven't even had a bad experience, although it was the first alcohol I ever tried.

                       
                            Seriously- what is the point?

12. Drinking yoghurt. Who ever thought there was a need for that as a drink was on drugs (or maybe too much yoghurt). It is also like the texture of vomit ( can you see I have texture issues) and there is no point to it. If you want yoghurt- get a spoon and eat it. Like a grown up.

13. Wafer chocolates. Why ruin a good chocolate by adding a wafer into it. There was a lesson to be learnt from Polly Waffles. Although I do like Kit Kats. Maybe the ration just needs to be three quarters chocolate to one quarter wafer.

                  Chunky, caramel kit kats - good. So so good.

                             Polly waffles- not good.

How about you? Are there any foods you just don't understand?

 Oh and this is deep fried butter. It didn't come with instructions, so I can't tell you how to make it.