Looking for a new job?

I have been job hunting. Not for me (I am far to comfortable where I am and I am just getting too old to be making new work friends, people are starting to bug me for no reason- thats a sign of old age isn't it?). I have been job searching for my son. Now I know he should be doing this himself, but as he wants to work as much as I like marking kids work,  I am taking action.

I have been going where apparently all job hunters go these days which is Seek. com .They don't do jobs in the paper anymore. Who knew? It would seem that job hunters don't read papers anymore, so the only jobs that appear in the paper are presumably ones that no ones wants. Like a stylist at Suzanne Grae.

So onto Seek I went to find some jobs. And then I realised something. There were so many jobs that I didn't understand. Well I did understand but they all had different names. A coffee maker is now called a Barista, and sales assistant is now called Customer relations advisor - or is the case of Lulu Lemon- an educator. A beautician is now called a beauty therapist- which I guess considering what they must have to listen to they do offer some therapy. When you go to a hairdresser you get a Colourist, not just a stylist.

The nightfall person at the shops is called a Stock Recoverer, and person who works at a clothes shop is a stylist, a barman is called a "mixologist" (which is very cool) and although it was ages ago they changed the name of an Air Hostess to a flight attendant. I actually think though that Hostess is way cooler than Attendant. Like they are hosting a party that you have paid lots of money to go to where they serve really bad food,  monitor your drinks, and the toilets are really dodgy (never go bare foot or wear your socks to the toilet on a plane. I repeat NEVER.) Sort of like any School Ball you have ever been to really. A mum is not even a mum anymore- they are domestic engineers.

So apart from my job confusion, I noticed that there was a new kind of job genre. A coach. Not like a footy coach, but coaches for all kind of things. You can amongst others things get a Life Coach,  a Fitness Coach and my two personal favourites a Bridal Coach and a Diet Coach. Yep you read those last two correctly.

                       
              I think this is what a diet coach would say.

A diet coach works like a sponsor for AA. When you feel a cupcake (or iced doughnut yummmm) calling you give them a call and they talk you down. I assume they don't say things like "Put the cupcake down, Fatty" but rather- "Do you really need that cupcake?" I would imagine your response would depend on just how hungry you are, because when I want a cupcake, I want a friggin cupcake. Although it must be white cake with lots of butter icing. No chocolate mud cakes for me.  Now as I see it there is a major flaw with this system- YOU have to call them when you want to cheat. As a sneaky eater, I can tell you that the key is in the name- "sneaky", that is, you don't tell anyone because you are being...sneaky.

                 
Now this would be a much more effective way of diet coaching.

Once when I was listening to the radio that they were talking about school mums who have a "sneaky cheesy".  I had no idea what this was, but assumed it was when they went to the school they got a cheesy from the canteen, which for the record was the absolute best part about school, except for Jupiter Bars and Nut Chews obviously. 

Jupiter Bars- remember them? well if you went to school in the 80's.

You can make your own cheesy's when you grate the cheese, mix it with a bit of water so it is a paste, smooth it on half one of those really sweet hamburger buns and bake it in the oven. Never, ever grill. But no- apparently it is a "thing". Mums drive through Maccas on the way to do school pick up and grab a cheeseburger. Hence the "sneaky cheesy". Genius because if you go when you have the kids they always want something. And if that kid is a 17 year old boy they always want a Mighty Angus burger. With fries. AND upsized.

                                
This is a Bridal Coach, but not the sort of Bridal coach I am talking about.

Bridal Coach was one I really didn't understand, and I had to Google it to find out what a Bridal Coach actually was. It would appear that a Bridal Coach is a very clever women (because I could actually only find one) who has worked out that Brides to be are completely void of any sense of reason when they are caught in the love blur. You hire your Bridal Coach and have a 2 hour meeting where they tell you what you need to do to plan your wedding. And that is it. Yep, they will charge you a ridiculous amount of money to tell you every thing that your mum/sister/friend/ aunty/ Bride-to-Be magazine will tell you for free, except that because it came from you Bridal Coach it is obviously hold more authority.

I must admit I was a bit disappointed because I imagined someone in a tracksuit, sort of like Sue Sylvester from Glee, blowing her whistle and yelling at you through a megaphone coaching you how to be a Bride and have the appropriate hissy fits, panic attacks, calling off the wedding because you can't find the right lipstick, losing all sense of reason and deciding that $10 000 is perfectly reasonable for a cake, and cracking it if you don't get everything on your Bridal registry. Because you really do need a $500 matching salt and pepper shaker.

Sue Sylvester could be a Bridal AND Diet coach in one.