No matter how bad your life is... I can make you feel better.

I am starting this blog with a disclaimer. I am currently sitting poolside at a Villa in Bali where I have done nothing for the last three days but swim, have massages, eat amazing food and drink. And did I mention the part about drinking.

The reason I tell you this is because this blog is about not matter how bad your life is right now- I take you shit and I up you my shit. I hope you are sitting down. 

With out delving too much into my back story lets just say the last 18 months have been "testing", or maybe as I like to call it the 18 months of losing pretty much everything- my dream job, my marriage, my ability to do my most favourite thing in the world which is actually running (not drinking- thank God I can still do that), my football team is playing shit and lets not even start on the "new and improved" BBQ shapes formula. I have actually learnt to roll with the punches quite well and learnt to laugh. In fact when people are ask how things are my standard answer is always " You don't want to know."
So lets fast forward to the last three weeks. It goes like this...

1. I go to the Dr. He tells me that now I am 45  I need a health check. And then he put on a "health plan" for my chronic illness (what illness? Old age?) 

2. I had to go and had my bloods done- which I told him " No need! I have been tested for every ailment under the sun in the search for the solution to the forever fractured leg" OR SO I THOUGHT. Fast forward to getting the results to find out I have border line diabetes AND high cholesterol. 

3. He told me I need to " re assess "my diet which by this stage he is convinced consists solely of Mc Donalds twice a day washed down with copious amounts large caramel lattes topped with cream. After I had a mild hysterical break down he talked me off the ledge in his smoother than milk chocolate African voice and told me that if I wasn't surviving on that diet I just had a defective body that had lost the ability to process food. His solution was for me to use my Nutri Bullet (he fell on the floor laughing when he realised I was the only white woman in the world not to own one " What do you mean you have no nutri bullet?? How do you drink your smoothies?" " I don't like smoothies". ' But you white??!!!???" Ok- he may not have said that last bit but I could see he was thinking it) and eradicate anything that resembles food out of my diet. At this stage we may have had a bit of a fight. It was like a scene out of My 600lb Life. I started to sulk and say things like " I don't like bananas" "Texture makes me gag", and when he said that lions only eat once a fortnight I told him that this was the reason that they kill people. Because they are fucking hungry. Then I relented and said I would try his dumb diet, because I know it wasn't going to work. I was looking forward to coming back and telling him his South African witch doctor magic was crap. I also told him to not expect me to follow his dumb diet when I was in Bali. 


4. So my aim is to alkaline my body. I am only to drink a banana, spinach, lemon and raison smoothie until 4:30. And then it is no meat, no dairy and nothing fun for the rest of the day. I eat green and I spend my life ordering my coffee apologising for being a wanker and ordering a soy latte. The upside is I did lose some weight. And I felt better. And I didn't crave sugar. Or bread. Or food. The downside is I can never be far from a toilet. All those greens come out faster than they go in. 

I did cause some amusement to the kids I teach who all laughed and may have snapchatted me drinking my green smoothie and asking me daily where my baby poo drink was.

The second and most devastating event was.... I killed my most favourite thing in the world. My iphone. I had kept my shit together for 18 months. I drown my phone. I lose my shit. I think my son will never recover from seeing his mother hunched over the computer sobbing hysterically cradling my beloved phone wimpering "Come back... come back...." Just like Rose in Titanic.

This is me. Leo is my phone. New phone.... I will never let go.

                                 
Lets just say I have all the material I need for my next blog which should be 10 things to never say to someone who has killed their iphone. Lets just say for the record I know I shouldn't have put my drink bottle in my bag without checking it was shut properly. ( I know mum - seriously my generation ) I also know I should have plugged it back into the power until I had put it into rice for 24 hours. ( but could someone have told me that EARLIER??). 

So as I am attempting to make sense of my world at the moment and believe everything is a lesson these are the things I have learnt

1.Don't eat greasy Chinese after you have had a week of alkaling your body. And if you do make sure the toilet is no more than 10 steps away.

2. Don't be lazy and not back up your phone for a year because you can't be bothered walking up the stairs. You will lose all your data and every photo you have taken for the last 12 months.

3. Nutri bullets are actually pretty good and life changing. And they make the most amazing Espresso Martini slushies, and don't even start me on the strawberry daiquiri

4. The grief you feel when you kill you iphone is real. And it hurts.

5. Things can always get worse.