And yes he is still being a c*&t.
So where am I at with this horrible fucking awful virus..... well I am still not back at work, I am still unbelievably tired, still have constant pins and needles in my arms as Ross moves around my body, still in pain although rather than it being an unbearable pain it is more now a dull ache, mostly in my neck and arms. I still have revolting headaches and about every hour I get a fever (even though those closest to me keep telling me it is menopause). I can see where they are coming from because I get so hot, I start sweating and I start taking my clothes off. And then start yelling at everyone that it is not fucking menopause.
Unfortunately for me I have also been hit hard by the other symptom which is depression. And man has it hit me hard. Those of you who either know me, or read my blog often know that depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with all my life- so the depression element of Ross is something that I was probably always bound to get- but being the expert I am at managing my depression as a "highly functioning" depressed person I didn't imagine it would be this awful.
The key to the management of my anxiety and depression is that I keep really, really busy. I rely on exercise and never sitting still to keep it at bay. Having Ross means these are the things I can no longer do. I am also sick of being sick and feeling like crap and this means that I have also been forced to stop and deal with what has been a shit couple of years of my life. And I have fallen apart. Like really fallen apart. And it hasn't been pretty.
But from falling apart means that I have no other option than to put myself back together. So this is what I'm doing..
1. I'm making myself exercise. For me this is swimming, and it works a treat. Diving into that pool not only makes my body feel better but it also makes my head feel better.
2. I am making myself go out everyday- even though I don't feel like it at all. On the weekend I had a major meltdown out of nowhere, cried (yes- still all I do is cry) and had to have a shot of tequila to get me out of my friend's house. Well it might have been two.
3. I am telling people. I hate talking about my depression because I think it is a bit boring- but I also think it is important to let people know that it is ok to talk about it.
4. I am learning that it is ok to tell people that you are not ok. And that you don't have to be superwoman all the time.
5. I am leaning on my friends and taking up offers of help. And amazing my friends and family have been.
6. I am reminding myself that this is only temporary, it could be worse and I am going to get better.
I said to my friends the other day that one day I will one day look back at this stage of my life and realise that it was a blessing. It has made me stop, process some unresolved issues I have from the last few years, and realise that I can't keep running away and ignoring them. I always have a theory that your body gives you signals when it is time to slow down, and if you ignore them it will stop you. I believe that this is what my body has done.
But I also believe that the time has come where I need to start pulling myself together. It is going to be a long, hard journey and I am slowly learning to be kind and gentle to myself. I know it is going to be a long time before I am myself again but I look forward to breaking up with Ross and kicking his c*^ty arse to the curb. And as with any bad relationship learning from the lessons it has taught me.
So please put your mozzie spray on- I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Yesterday I woke up to the news that Australia had voted in favour of same sex marriage. It was the result I had hope for, but was worried that may not happen. I only hope from now the Government does as promised and pushes the changes through quickly so people can be free to marry who ever they want.
As someone who has been married twice and to be honest probably doesn't believe in marriage or a happy ever after anymore- this issue to me is not about marriage, it's not about a ceremony, it's not about a commitment. It is about finally sending the message that as human beings you are finally able to love who you love without feeling like you are not equal.
As a teacher I see first hand teenagers who struggle with their sexuality. The fact that in 2017 teenagers can still be in this position is sad. The fall out is huge.They quite often suffer from mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, and self harm. This comes from the feeling that their feelings are in someway wrong or bad, or that there is something wrong with them. And the worst possible feeling of all for a teenager is that they are not normal.
The vote on same sex marriage hopefully sends the message to all teenagers that there is nothing wrong or bad about being attracted to someone of the same sex. There is something wrong or bad about you if you are mean, you lie, you cheat, or if you treat people badly. This is when you are a bad person. Loving someone, no matter what sex they are does not make you bad or not normal.
In my 18 years of being a teacher I have seen too many young lives tormented over sexuality. I hope that the decision made yesterday by the majority of Australian's send the message to everybody that who we personally choose to love and be attracted to is entirely our own business, and everyone is entitled to the same rights.
Love is love- it is something that has never made sense, and if you are lucky enough to find it you should grab and hold it tight no matter what gender it is.
Yesterday finally love won.
For those of you who don't have kids aged between 6 and 13 you might not be aware that there is an epidemic that is currently infecting our children and the house holds they live in. I think it will eventually go down as one of the great epidemics of our time. It is called Slime. Or as I like to call it the " why is there fucking slime all over my house"epidemic.
So let me tell you a bit about the slime epidemic. I don't know where it came from but I think it has something to do with bloody youtube. It has also mutated into many different forms- plain, fluffy, glitter.... which makes it so dangerous.
So these are the symptoms you need to be aware of.
1.Your child will start watching the videos and before you know it you are being asked to go to the shop to buy borax and PVA glue. Actually let me rephrase that- you can try and buy PVA glue because every shop in Australia is out of PVA glue.
2. All your Tupperware containers/ bowls and spoons start going missing. You find them in random places throughout the house. But never in the sink, or cleaned and back in the drawer.
3. Little lumps of slime start appearing everywhere. On the floor, on cupboards, next to the bed, on the ceiling.
Now if you are lucky the disease will stop here. If you are not - the infection intensifies to the next stage.....
4. You start finding glitter everywhere. Even though you could have sworn you had no glitter in the house.
5. You will go to get your moisturiser/ fake tan/ carpet cleaner/ shaving foam/ and find it is not there. That is because the epidemic has morphed into the more serious advanced form of slime.
6. Your perfume will start to go missing. Your whole house will start smelling like your Chanel Coco Mademoiselle . This is where you start losing your shit and ask why they can't use their crappy One Direction perfume.
7. You will begin to notice that every plate/ bowl/ container you have ever owned has dried slime residue in it. A little bit embarrassing when you have people who don't have kids over. Those that do just give you that silent nod of understanding.
8. You will find yourself yelling " you are not bringing you slime to school/ dinner/ the shops" because apparently the slime needs to go everywhere with the infected child.
9. As the plague gets even more intense you will begin to find food colouring everywhere. And then as the infected child gets more creative they think that your make up will provide a good "pigment" (although she did get bonus points for using that word) to make great new shades. And it's not just food colouring and makeup- you will also find that pens and textas will be cut open to get the colour out. Try getting that one out of your kitchen benches.
10. The final stage is acceptance. You end up giving them a cupboard, you buy throw away containers because resistance is futile. You begin to learn to live with it and wish like hell that one day is goes away.
In my house we have lived with the Slime epidemic for at least 6 months and it shows no sign of diminishing. I wish you luck for a speedy recovery. Or maybe someone bring back the fidget spinner.
