I'm not happy with 13 Reasons Why... or Hannah Baker.

I started off writing this blog with a  funny slant discussing all the things I found about this show- like Clay always staring into space and Tony being everywhere but as I got further in to the show and watched the final episode I realised that there is not a lot that is funny about the show. And I'm still not sure if I like it or not. I think the problem is I really don't like Hannah. At all.

For those of you who have not heard about the show it is a Netflix series about a 17 year old girl who commits suicide and leaves tapes telling all the people how they contributed to her taking her life. The show is told in flashbacks. Don't get me wrong I feel for Hannah, I really do because depression and mental illness is a serious issue but I think her actions where down right mean.

If you have anyone in your life who has watched this show I think it is really important that you sit them down and watch this youtube video- it is the missing piece that needed to be shown on netflix and wasn't. It explains the motives behind making the show and also what the producers hoped the message would be that young people would get.

So I decided to write Hannah a letter, a letter I would write to anyone who is struggling.


Hannah,

I am so sorry that you felt the only way you felt you could end your pain was to take your own life. I'm not going to tell you that what you were feeling wasn't real, and that the sadness and loneliness you felt wasn't real. Depression is a very real, and very horrible disease that robs you of all the joy in your life and make you see no reason to go on.

I never say that taking ones own life is selfish, because I understand that suicide is not to hurt others, instead it is the only way you can see to end your pain- but Hannah, I think you behaved badly. Let me explain.

You never told anyone. You had an amazing family, Your mum and dad loved you and would have done anything for you... but you never gave then that chance. You pretended everything was ok and they had no idea what you were going through. If you let them in they would have helped, they would have taken you to the doctor and got you some help. And by the time you finally did tell someone you had made your decision- there was nothing that councillor could have said to you that would have made you change your mind.

Some horrible thing happened to you- but once again you told no one. You kept it to yourself and people only knew when you had already gone. You never gave anyone a chance to help, or the chance to explain their actions. You see Hannah, people have their own stuff going on and we are all a bit self absorbed. And you know what... people can be horrible, selfish and mean at times. But when someone reaches out I know of no one who would have turned you away. Those people who you talked about - they didn't kill you- they triggered your depression. You decided not to reach out and get help. I know the conversation is a hard one to have but it could have saved your life.

If you asked me I would have told you that depression does suck. It sucks the life out of you and some days you don't want to go on because you see no light. Those days can turn into weeks and months and even years. Some days you just get through not minute by minute but second by second. But there is medication, there are treatments, councillors, psychologists and you can have an amazing life. I wouldn't lie to you and tell you living with depression is easy- but I wouldn't trade a second of my life - both the ups and the downs - for anything. You, Hannah,  missed out on a crazy, fantastic journey because you didn't ask for help. Because it is out there. Depression is treatable and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. In fact it is one of the bravest things you can ever do.

I'm sorry you felt this was your only hope.. but I feel even sadder that you never gave anyone the chance to help.

Emma

Where have you been??

I just have popped back on the blog to excuse my absence. I am in the process of selling my house- so my days have been spent on my house...

My house is sparkling, all the jobs I have been meaning to do for the last 5 years  have been done and I am absolutely exhausted. All the plans I had for my holidays have also not been done. And by plans I mean all the tv shows I was hoping to watch.

So thats where I have been- but I will be back blogging soon. There is so much I need to talk about like Why I don't like 13 Reasons Why, how traumatic it has been sorting through my wardrobe, how I realised I am totally not spontaneous and like to have plans and I think I need to address my drinking issue.

xxxx

A little catch up.

                                            


Please excuse the week or so it's been between blogs but my real life that pays the bills has been getting in the way. I am actually on holidays at the moment- but they are about to be really full on so I thought I would give you a life up date in 10 simple points and explain why I have been distracted.

1. I am in my final unit of my Masters Degree. I have an assignment due and it is frigging huge. I also had to pay up front for this so now I know that this 12 week unit is costing me $2500 (yes I did count that in terms of trips to Bali) I thought I had better put in some effort. I finished it tonight. I legit have spent about 2 hours on it a day for the last 5 weeks. If I don't pass I will be pissed. And then I will get pissed.

2. I have finally made the decision to sell my house and start the new journey that will be my new life. I am terrified, overwhelmed, sad and excited. But mostly excited. 

3. My kitty kat Will-yum yum went missing. And then I found him and he had been attacked by either a dog or cat. He had the equivilant of a cat black eye. He is hiding upstairs because he is no longer the most beautiful cat in the cosmos. I don't know where his vanity comes from.

4. I have taken up exercising again, because I am really really bad at giving up food. I am rediscovering my love of running.  My lungs... not so much.

5. I have been doing a bit of socialising. I love my friends and the only thing I love more than my friends is spending time with them. We drink too much, talk too much and laugh too much. It is the best.

6. I went on a mini break to Margaret River. It was the bomb. I will blog about that later- but Margs " You here for the pro?" is the most beautiful part of the world. And I got to eat a crumbed chicken and cheese sausage on the way down.

7. Reports were due at work. And some how I did them wrong so all my year 10's got 0's. Whoops. Reports also mean marking, lots and lots of marking. I can now tell you everything you ever needed to know about Christopher Nolan and Flo Rida's Whistle music video clip. 

8. I have been cleaning up my house. And I have a lot of shit. Like a lot. Thank God we have a bulk rubbish pick up. However I'm ready for the council to come and pick it up- because people have been going through the rubbish. I told one lady off today. I told her if she was going through it not to make a mess. She pulled a finger sign and walked off.

9. I have an awful lot of shows to binge watch. I am currently mid way through Riverdale, Secret Little Lies, Crazy Ex Girlfriend and Designated Survivor. Thank God I have holidays.

10. I haven't really had anything funny to say. At times life can overwhelm me- and the last few weeks have been that way. I am pretty good at laughing at my self most of the time, but some times I need to take a step back and regroup. I find listening to Keith Urban in my car on the way to work helps very much. Adele- not so much.

What my Facebook story would look like if I was completely honest.

This is what people think my life is like.

My friend and I were talking the other day about how people seem to think that our lives are so exciting and glam and how we are out all the time.

Well the only reason for that is because we don't post the dull and boring things on Facebook or Instagram. That sort of stuff goes on our Snap chat story to each other.

So to keep things real I decided that todays blog will be what my Facebook would look like if I was posting all the normal stuff. So here goes

5:00am- Arrrgh totally can't be bothered going for a run. Think I'll go back to sleep. I'm sure I'll be feeling guilty about that all day.

6:45 Stupid dogs- took them outside so they could go to the toilet- Charlie ran off and I had to get her out of the building site down the street. Said good morning to the builders looking flash in my flanno pyjamas.

7:45 Got myself a coffee from Maccas on the way to work. Went crazy decided to opt for a splash of milk in my long black. Living on the edge.

8:30 Got to work and snapchatted Rach. We are on a 205 day streak.

10:30 Teaching my Year 12's. watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. For the 10th time.

12:00 Teaching Film trailers with my Year 10's. They make me want to shoot myself. The year 10's not the trailers.

12:30 Really regretting giving that lady at the pub my lighter when I decided to give up smoking at 10:30 on Saturday night.

1:24 Wow! Doing detention was a blast. Love spending 10 minutes of my day telling kids to be quiet. I don't understand why they never know what they did to be placed on detention.

2:15 Teaching my final class for the day. Looking at SuperHeroes. Since when did it become cool to be a Superhero junkie?? In my day we called them nerds.

2:16 I'm really hungry. Can't decide what to make for dinner. 

3:05 A bird did a really big poo on my windscreen. No wonder that spot was free. I remembered why I call it the poo tree.

this is the  big bird poo.

3:15 At Woolies doing the shopping. Decided on shepherds pie. Then I remembered Alex won't eat it. Buy him some sausage rolls.

4.00 Yay I'm home. Think I might go for a run even though its really hot. But I had better put the washing on first.

4:45 Back from run. Got a migraine half way through- but was halfway through so I had to keep going. Knew it was too hot. Swallowed some advil and  did 30 burpees when I got home. Apparently that's the magic number.

5:00 Make dinner, feed the dogs and cats, water the garden and hang out the washing. Realised one of the dogs has done a poo on the floor. Yelled at the dogs. Charlie looked guilty. But I think it was Millie.

6: 00 God I'm tired. Got migraine hangover already, but super hungry. I've had my shower and I have my jimmie jams on already and I'm eating dinner while watching Family Feud in bed.

6:30 Ate too much dinner. Now my tummy hurts.

7:00 I want to go to sleep but really need to bang out a few hundred words of my essay for uni. Don't want to have to do it on the holidays. Stupid Uni. Stupid essay.

7:30 Logged onto my computer to do some work on my essay. Decided to watch make up tutorials instead.

8:20 Charlie is trying to catch a fly. She just did a back flip and fell on her back. 

8:30 When did My Kitchen Rules get so shit?

9:30 I'm done. I'm going to sleep. Night.

10:30 Any minute now I'm really going to sleep now.

                          

Even wondered " How did I get here?"

Some times I look at my life and think " How the hell did I get here." I had this moment one Sunday as I was on my knees spray tanning a very muscly  6ft tall man who was naked except for a sock over his privates. Yes you have read that sentence correctly.

So how did I get here?? Thats a bit of a story. My friend who I shall call "Nikki" ( because that really isn't her name) is a spray tanner. She was asked to do a body building competition. She needed a helper. I had never spray tanned in my life. So she nominated me for the role. Naturally me being me  and my friend knowing that after a few wines I was up for anything (and of course forgetting that I get very anxious in new situation)  I was totally up for the job. I had a crash course in tanning from Nikki, I spray tanned my friends who were willing to be my test models ( thanks Trace and Nomes and sorry about that overspray... ) and was given my spray tanning name ( good bye Emma- hello Jessie- no there is no real need for a spray tanner name but if my friend got a new name- I wanted one as well). And ladies and gents- meet Nikki and Jess- Body Builder Spray Tanners.

I'm not going to lie- I was petrified. We were both a bit concerned that we had bitten off more than we could chew. But how hard could it be. Right?? I think it is fair to say that before the comp my knowledge of body building was limited. All I knew was that they were.. well muscly. But after the weekend let me tell you. I had the time of my life. It was without a debt one of the most enjoyable and rewarding days I have spent. And it would seem I am an also a bit of an expert. Me and body building go together like peas and carrots. Or spray tan and disposable g strings. So here are my highlights and things I learnt from the weekend.

1. These men and women are amazing athletes .They are so dedicated and committed to their sport in ways I would never think possible. The exercise, the diet, the amount of tan they are willing to wear on their faces. They are just inspirational.

2. Body builders can never be too tanned. When you think you are brown enough- go browner. Your face should be a shade lighter than your body. But you must still be brown. Sort of like a lovely chocolate cookie.

3. It is possible to contour a mans butt cheek to disguise an injury.

4. Being a spray tanner is like being a doctor. The body becomes just skin, muscle and bone. You don't notice body parts. I saw so many boobs but couldn't tell you what they looked like. I was just looking at the colour. I got so comfortable saying to the competitors to "get their gear off and jump in the tent" I surprised myself.

5. Humans get very grumpy when they don't drink for 24 hours. (and I don't mean just alcohol- they don't have water. Seriously WTF)

6.  Rice cakes are the back stage food of choice because they"dry you out". I always knew they had to be good for something- because taste is obviously not one of them

7. Being a spray tanner also means you need to able to glue bikinis to bottoms and boobs.

8. It can take a good 15 minutes to apply fake tan with a paint brush and buff to hide water spots that take the tan off (or in the case of one of our boys.. where the spinach falls).

9. Backstage of a comp looks like a scene from Dexter. That place is covered in plastic. Because you need to lie down with your legs up (to stop fluid pooling in our legs..derr) Because you are covered in tan it will come off on the carpet- hence the plastic.  It also came in handy when the tan hits those muscles and then bounces off and hits either you or the wall. I was wearing a delightful shade of tan on my face after the weekend.

10. You feel incredibly proud when one of your tannee's (I made that word up) wins. We were so happy when "ours" (yes we claimed them) won, and felt outraged when they lost.

11. It is possible to do push ups in a bikini with stilettos on. I know this because I witnessed it. I was in awe. I can't even walk in a straight line in stilettos.

12. Every single person we came across was absolutely lovely. Considering how tired/exhausted/dehydrated they were each competitor was a beautiful human being. They were funny and at times quite vulnerable (or was that because they were standing in front of me with a sock over their privates?).