Some times I look at my life and think " How the hell did I get here." I had this moment one Sunday as I was on my knees spray tanning a very muscly 6ft tall man who was naked except for a sock over his privates. Yes you have read that sentence correctly.
So how did I get here?? Thats a bit of a story. My friend who I shall call "Nikki" ( because that really isn't her name) is a spray tanner. She was asked to do a body building competition. She needed a helper. I had never spray tanned in my life. So she nominated me for the role. Naturally me being me and my friend knowing that after a few wines I was up for anything (and of course forgetting that I get very anxious in new situation) I was totally up for the job. I had a crash course in tanning from Nikki, I spray tanned my friends who were willing to be my test models ( thanks Trace and Nomes and sorry about that overspray... ) and was given my spray tanning name ( good bye Emma- hello Jessie- no there is no real need for a spray tanner name but if my friend got a new name- I wanted one as well). And ladies and gents- meet Nikki and Jess- Body Builder Spray Tanners.
I'm not going to lie- I was petrified. We were both a bit concerned that we had bitten off more than we could chew. But how hard could it be. Right?? I think it is fair to say that before the comp my knowledge of body building was limited. All I knew was that they were.. well muscly. But after the weekend let me tell you. I had the time of my life. It was without a debt one of the most enjoyable and rewarding days I have spent. And it would seem I am an also a bit of an expert. Me and body building go together like peas and carrots. Or spray tan and disposable g strings. So here are my highlights and things I learnt from the weekend.
1. These men and women are amazing athletes .They are so dedicated and committed to their sport in ways I would never think possible. The exercise, the diet, the amount of tan they are willing to wear on their faces. They are just inspirational.
2. Body builders can never be too tanned. When you think you are brown enough- go browner. Your face should be a shade lighter than your body. But you must still be brown. Sort of like a lovely chocolate cookie.
3. It is possible to contour a mans butt cheek to disguise an injury.
4. Being a spray tanner is like being a doctor. The body becomes just skin, muscle and bone. You don't notice body parts. I saw so many boobs but couldn't tell you what they looked like. I was just looking at the colour. I got so comfortable saying to the competitors to "get their gear off and jump in the tent" I surprised myself.
5. Humans get very grumpy when they don't drink for 24 hours. (and I don't mean just alcohol- they don't have water. Seriously WTF)
6. Rice cakes are the back stage food of choice because they"dry you out". I always knew they had to be good for something- because taste is obviously not one of them
7. Being a spray tanner also means you need to able to glue bikinis to bottoms and boobs.
8. It can take a good 15 minutes to apply fake tan with a paint brush and buff to hide water spots that take the tan off (or in the case of one of our boys.. where the spinach falls).
9. Backstage of a comp looks like a scene from Dexter. That place is covered in plastic. Because you need to lie down with your legs up (to stop fluid pooling in our legs..derr) Because you are covered in tan it will come off on the carpet- hence the plastic. It also came in handy when the tan hits those muscles and then bounces off and hits either you or the wall. I was wearing a delightful shade of tan on my face after the weekend.
10. You feel incredibly proud when one of your tannee's (I made that word up) wins. We were so happy when "ours" (yes we claimed them) won, and felt outraged when they lost.
11. It is possible to do push ups in a bikini with stilettos on. I know this because I witnessed it. I was in awe. I can't even walk in a straight line in stilettos.
12. Every single person we came across was absolutely lovely. Considering how tired/exhausted/dehydrated they were each competitor was a beautiful human being. They were funny and at times quite vulnerable (or was that because they were standing in front of me with a sock over their privates?).
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