How to make holidays your bitch.

I returned to work this week after 5 delicious weeks of holidays. And they really were delicious. It has made me realise that there are two kinds of people in this world, those who like holidays but look forward to going back to work (seriously WTF?) and those who love holidays and never look forward to going back to work.

Needless to say I fall heavily in the second category. I never, ever, EVER look forward to going back to work, and not because I don't like my job. I do like my job- especially the getting paid part of it, but the thing is I am really, really good at holidays. I do them well. Like really well. Like really, really well.

Now I am the first to admit that I am not good at much, in fact I am probably mediocre at most things, but there are three things I excel at-

1. Eating
2. Shopping
3. Doing nothing.

As luck would have it holidays manage to combine my three main talents. There is not a moment of boredom to be found. I actually think I relish those moments of boredom. Not that I have time to be bored, because as you will see from the list below I am very, very busy. So here is a guide to holidaying well. According to me.

1. Wake up early ( I choose 6 during the holidays) and exercise (if you must- but as you can see that eating is one of my talents, exercise is a must). The you are finished by 7:30 at the latest and you can ......COME HOME AND GO BACK TO SLEEP!!! This is gold for a variety of reasons, but for me the best reason is because when you wake up at proper holiday time (10am) who have the whole day to relax and chances are you have even forgotten the pain of exercise. GOLD.

2. Have a leisurely breakfast. Check your facebook, instagram, emails, gossip websites (and some news sites if you must). Once breakfast is eaten, go back to bed with your mug of tea and ponder the rest of your day. 

3. Once day is pondered you really should watch an episode of what ever tv series you have committed to for the holidays. Mine this holidays was a toss up between Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy. Breaking Bad won, but I feel a sense of failure because I didn't finish the whole series. ( I really think another week of holidays is required to complete said task).
                                                  

4. By now you really need to recheck all your social media sites. Because something might of happened. Or someone might have done something really important like had a piece of cake.

5. Lunchtime! Head to the shops and grab something for lunch. Have a wander around the shopping centre. My local shopping centre only has a Target, Jeans West, a ridiculously expensive boutique ( I often wonder who shops there) and a $20 clothes shop. Lets just say I bought at least 4 wonderful pieces of clothing from those retailers- each item no more than $20 each. SERIOUSLY.

6. Home to eat lunch. You now can watch your tv show, read one of the magazines you picked up at the shops or check the internet. Don't bother with Foxtel, because at this stage of the holidays you have already watched everything that is on.

7. Nap time. Because you day has been exhausting and you need to have a nap. 

8. Wake up - think about dinner. Think about taking the dogs/kids to the park/ pool. Think better of it and either waste some time watching videos on youtube, or watching those dumb videos that people post on their walls. Or spend a few hours on Pintrest looking at things you could do, but just can't be bothered doing. You could also read a book, if you feel that way inclined.

9. Have dinner. Discuss plans for tomorrow that you know will never eventuate because you are too tired/too hot/have run out of money/ can't be bothered or really need to watch that episode of Great British Bake Off so your schedule is a little full.

10. Time for bed. But the problem is because you have had two naps during the day you don't fall asleep until at least midnight. Not that that is much of a problem. Because if you refer back to dot point 1 you will be able to go back to sleep after your exercise.

Somewhere in those 10 points you will ask yourself whether you really should be looking at the huge big box of work that you bought home to do over the holidays. Generally the rule there is by all means look at it, but just leave it at that.

Now of course this list is not exhaustive. You can also include going out for lunch, having friends over, going out for coffee, going out for a wine, going our for dinner and a wine, going on a holiday (like a plane holiday), planning a holiday, or going like fancy pants shopping to name a few extras but the point is things like cleaning out you tupperware cupboard really has no place on this list.

So there you have it. Ten ways to make holidays your bitch. I did warn you that I have been watching Breaking Bad.

The day I went and had a facial.

I am a bit low maintenance. Seriously I am.  Well in some things. My husband would probably beg to differ on that though. I do tend to do all my beauty treatments in house, except for my hair, because lets face it, if you are going to be blonde you need to leave that in the hands of a professional. Oh and Botox. If you are having Botox, or fillers that should also be left in the hands of a professional. Otherwise you could end up looking like one of the Housewives of anywhere.

Or one of these fine people

One thing I hardly ever do is have facials. In fact in the last 11 years I have had two facials. I know it is two because I had one before I got married and the lady doing the treatment fainted mid treatment. Now let me tell you there is nothing more unrelaxing than your therapist fainting as she is applying some scrubby thing to your face. (Well maybe if you were going to actual therapy and your therapist fainted mid consultation that would be bad) .There I was lying in a towel calling out " We need some help in here." And I didn't even get a discount. It took me a good 5 years to get over "facialgate" so I finally went again, and the girl told me that "even though I looked alright for my age, I could really do with some Botox." No amount of trickling water music could relax me after that. Not even with tweeting birds. Or a flowing river.

So last week I looked in the mirror and all I saw was old looking back at me. I had what I like to call "post Bali face". You know when your face has got some sun even though you are wearing sunblock and a hat. It looks blotchy and really like the whole top layer of skin really needs to come off, and then a bucket of oil poured in to fill the gaps?

An example of post Bali, post holiday face.

Making a decision where to go is like trying to decide on where to go for coffee. You want to be able to get in when you want too, but you don't want it to be too easy either because obviously that would mean it was crap. I decided to go to a relatively new salon down the road from me. I checked out their Facebook page and it looked ok, so I downloaded their "menu". I decided on a facial which involved dermabrasion, a glyconic peel and a oxygen infusion. Nope I had no idea what an oxygen infusion was either, but I was excited.

The salon looked really clean, smelt relaxing without being too patchouli and had nice music playing. The girl told me what to do- that means what items of clothing to leave on and what to take off,which is always helpful. There is something quite vulnerable about lying in a room, half naked with an eye mask over your eyes so it is good to know just how dressed to be. Lying half naked in a shop is one of the places that my mind goes into "what would happen in someone came in and robbed me right now" The other place is public toilets, because you could literally be caught with your pants down. 

It was bliss, my skin was cleaned, peeled, dermabraised  ( think sandpaper being applied to your face and vacuumed all at the same time.) The oxygen mask was oxygen blown on my face. You could have add ons. And when someone tells you that the add on will fill in your wrinkles there is no other answer than a yes. I didn't even care when she couldn't remember if it was an extra $35 or $65. When someone says "fills in your wrinkles" you say yes. I don't care how much those wrinkles tell a story. 

After 90 minutes I left feeling amazing. No one fainted, no one was told they needed Botox, no one was asked what products they used at home, and no one was told they needed to buy their products.  God I hate that when they try to sell you stuff. Years of going to hair dressers has taught me that you always tell them that you use the products that they sell. Clever huh?

Will I go back? You bet your sweet life I will. Anything that can peel off some years AND fill in my wrinkles is good.

I went from this

To this!

My 90 minute treatment cost me $99 instead of $150 because I was new. I am going to admit that I do think that is a bit expensive, but I think it was worth it. You can buy the facial I had in packages which makes it cheaper. And lets face it that it not even the cost of a really good night out!

100 things to make you happy.

Sometimes it seems like there is nothing to be happy about. It seems that depressing things are happening all around. So I have decided to come up with a list of things to be happy about.

1. Spending time with you family
2. A really good Coffee
3. Wine
4. Cuddles from your dog or cat
5. Cute pictures of animals on Pintrest
6. Vanilla cupcakes with lots of icing
7. Singing to your favourite song up loud
8. Watching funny videos on Youtube
9. Listening to babies laughing
10. Reading a good book
11. Turning on the tv and Titanic is on
12. Game of Thrones
13. Buying new clothes
14. Putting your shopping through a self service check out and NOT having to wait for assistance.
15. Holidays
16. A really good mug of tea
17. Crumbed chicken and cheese sausages
18. Seeing someone fall over (cruel but always funny)
19. White Chicks the movie
20. Jon Snow
21. Getting a letter in the mail that is not a bill
22. Getting an email that is not from Scoopon or Spreets
23. Finding $50 in your going out bag
24. A good mascara
25. Mumm Champagne
26. Friends
27. That feeling when you dive into a pool on a really hot day
28. When you get to Mc Donalds drive through and there is no one in front of you
29. Going to the Mc Donalds drive through and NOT having to wait in a waiting bay
30. Spending time with friends who you don't see very often
31. Finishing a really long run
32. Your online shopping arriving
33. The One Direction documentary (seriously)
34. Fresh flowers in your house
35. Having a vegemite sandwich when you get home from travelling overseas
36. Booking a holiday (to anywhere)
37. Seeing the sun rise
38. Seeing your friends really happy
39. Rose West Coast Coolers
40. Getting laryngitis ( so you can't talk and go to work but you don't feel sick)
41. Having a day with nothing to do
42. Having a day with something awesome to do
43. Going to Ikea and getting a $1 hotdog
44. Clean sheets (especially if someone else changes the sheets)
45. A clean house ( especially if someone else cleans it)
46. Seeing your kids really happy
47. Going out with your kids and they don't fight.
48. Finding a car park at Garden City on a Saturday
49. Going to Bali and not getting Bali Belly
50. Getting a doctors appointment on the day you ring
51. Fireworks
52. Chocolate
53. Softserve ice cream covered in chocolate with nuts
54. George Clooney
55. Louis Vuitton
56. Getting emails from Dan Murphy's and Mumm Champagne is on sale.
56. A purring cat
57. Watching The Great British Bake Off
58. Seeing a new baby 
59. Catching up with old friends and telling stories from the "good old days"
60. A really cold Bintang
61. Getting on a plane and having empty seats around you.
62. Getting lots of likes on your facebook/instagram photos
63. Finding out your favourite author has written a new book
64. Being able to come home after your run and being able to go back to sleep
65. Dancing like a rock star
66. Waking up with no hangover after dancing like a rock star
67. Seeing someone famous. 
68. McFlurries
69. Finding out Karma has finally come around and bit someone in the arse
70. Having a good hair day
71. A long hot shower
72. Having a good hair day
73. Watching The Breakfast Club
74. Wearing pyjamas all day
75. Someone else makes dinner
76. Waking up and finding your cats and dogs all on the bed with you
77. Seeing your friends really happy
78. A Real Housewives of New York or Beverly Hills Marathon
79. Watching Moulin Rouge ( or any Baz Luhrman film that is not Australia)
80. A new Apple product
81. Hearing someone say that their Samsung phone is crap
82. Going to the Doctor and finding a magazine you haven't read yet
83. Finding an unexpected deposit in your bank account
84. Iced doughnuts
85. Travelling anywhere but especially when it involves plane food
86. Finding a matching pair of socks
87. Finding a dress that you forgot you had bought 
88. Weddings
89. Not having to set your alarm before you go to bed
90. Your favourite song coming on the radio
91. Someone telling you that you look nice
92. Wearing a new outfit and feeling like a super model 
93. Waking up after a really good dream
94. Ham sandwiches. On white bread with butter
95. Nurofen Plus
96. The feeling after you clean your teeth
97. Accidently  having the best day ever
98. Your animals being really happy to see you after you have been away
99. Sleeping in your own bed after a holiday (unless you have stayed at The Langham in Melbourne- those beds are ace.)
100. Carbs.

Feel free to add your own!

Ten reasons why I love Summer

I am a summer lover. And not just because I also have 5 glorious weeks of holidays. Well deserved holidays because I deal with other people's children for the majority of the year. For those of you who have children and are just about ready to kill them after 4 weeks of having them at home- times that by 30 ( kids in a class) and them by 5 (I roughly teach 5 periods a day) and that is how my days usually look.

This is not me, because as much as I love summer- I hate the beach.

So as I said this is not the only reason that I love summer. I also must say that on the other side I hate winter. I hate rain, I hate cold and I hate winter clothes. I made a deal with husband that if I am allowed to complain about the cold I will never whinge about how hot is, no matter how hot it ever gets. I'm looking at you 42 degree days. 

So here are the top ten reasons I love Summer in no particular order.

1. It is perfectly acceptable to spend the day in your pyjamas in bed doing absolutely nothing because " It is just too hot to go out in this heat."

2. You can set yourself the challenge to watch a complete series of a television show, because lets face it " It is just too hot to do anything else." My series this holidays is Breaking Bad. I am up to Season Three. I am also using the words "bitch" and "yo" probably more than I should.

3.You can get away without wearing any makeup. Because... " It is just so hot". In saying that though- my definition of no make up is tinted sunblock, mascara and lip gloss. Because that is no make up. Right?

Stila lipgloss in Juneberry is pretty awesome 

Best tinted sunblock and you can buy it at the Supermarket.

4. There is no such thing as dirty hair in Summer. Dirty hair is known as " adding texture "to your hair to create the perfect topknot.

5. Your wardrobe consists of basically the same three items of clothing. A pair of shorts, some singlets and a maxi dress if you are going somewhere flash. Like the supermarket.

6. In Summer it is perfectly acceptable to tuck your dress into your knickers if you get hot, without people secretly laughing at you thinking you accidentally got your knickers caught in your dress when you went to the toilet. ( there is a difference - in Winter a fashion disaster, in Summer- just fashion) This act even has a name. It is called strangely enough "the knicker tuck".

7.Your decision making process on what shoes to wear is easy. It is either your "good" thongs or your "everyday" thongs.  (For my not Australian readers to you I mean flip flops). This is a good thing because I read that you can get brain fatigue by wasting your brains time with decision making on minor thing like choosing clothes. That is why really smart people like Mark Zuckerberg always wear the same thing. Well that and the fact that he is a nerd.

This is obviously and example of "good" thongs. Because they are gold.

8. You always have something to talk about with the person who you never have anything to talk about with. You can talk about how hot it is. And hot it will be tomorrow. And then say " If you think it is hot now- wait until February"

9. You can drink your wine with ice blocks in it and no one will judge you or make fun of you. Or say " You must be from Western Australia." 

10. Everyone sports a little bit of a tan. And if I have said it once I will say it again. Brown fat looks so much better than white fat.

What to have with your cup of tea (and how to use up christmas chocolate)

I make these rash decisions like " I am not going to eat biscuits so I won't have any in the house." And then I get hungry and want one with my cup of tea, so I whipped up a batch of yummy choc chip cookies while I was waiting for Breaking Bad to load on my ipad. ( Yes I know I was slow to join that bandwagon).

These cookies are also awesome for using up the dairy milk chocolate that comes in the Favourite Boxes that no one ever eats. I just roughly chop them and use those instead of choc chips.

Why does no one eat the dairy milk blocks?

Emma's Yummy Cookies

90g butter (softened)
1/2 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons castor sugar
1 egg
Vanilla Extract
1 cup of plain flour
1/2 cup self raising flour
however much chocolate you want.

1. Cream together the butter, sugars, egg and vanilla.
2. When that is combined add in the flours . I do all this stage in my mixer with the dough hook, but you can use the normal whisky thing.
3. Throw in the chocolate and mix.
4. Place 2tblspoon size balls on a lined baking tray and bake in a moderate oven for roughly 10-15 mins.
5. When they look ready take them out of the oven and put them on a tray. They will be soft when they are hot, but will harden up a little bit, but mostly stay softish.

These are also super yummy as the cookies for an ice cream sandwich.

YUMMO

Can we talk about bathers/togs/swimmers.

So lycra is an interesting thing. To women it is that awesome thing thing that holds all your wobbly bits into place. To men it is that thing you wear when you go riding your bike and make you look....well lets face it... pretty damn awful.

Last week in the city where I live there was this story about this bar/restaurant that refused entry to men wearing lycra (aka bike shorts) after a ride. I am torn because lets face it... there is nothing more repulsive than a man in lycra, but I have become a cyclist. ( don't ask that is a whole different blog).

But.... it made me think about the whole weird bather/swimmer/togs thing. Why is it that the moment that something has lycra is becomes clothing??? And do you have to be in the vicinity of a body of water to make it ok? And what type of body of water does that have to be?

Let me begin. When I am in my bathers ( I wear a bikini which is much more flattering that a one piece- weird but true- go figure). I will walk around quite happily. I will lie on a sun bed, swim, walk around, and order my lunch from the delightful boy who takes my order. Put me in the same amount of coverage ( a bra and kickers) and I will run faster from the bathroom to the bedroom to get some clothes on faster than you can say " tuck that flabby tummy into you knickers" in case some one sees me. Why does the addition of lycra make such a difference?

Yesterday when I went for a run (ok maybe I walked) I saw a woman sitting next to a play ground wearing a bikini. She was about 20m from the water but there was so much wrong with that picture. But I am not sure why. So I think I have come up with some ground rules.

1. Bathers must only be worn near the beach or the pool.

2. Bathers must contain lycra. Otherwise they are just bras and knickers.

Those are the rules.
End of the story.
Amen.

I like to watch - but not in a creepy way.

                                               

I have just returned from an awesome 11 days in Bali. Well mostly awesome, apart from a few little hiccups- mostly fighting children hiccups. Now for my non Australian readers Bali is  a 3 and a half hour plane trip from Perth, and if you have not been to Bali you are almost not Australian.  Most will make the trip at least once a year, because it is cheap, sunny and there is lots of cheap beer and awesome hotels. There is also Bali Belly,Bintang Belly,Bogans and ugly ink, but lets not dwell on the negatives.

When you plan you trip to Bali you find your self faced with two main decisions. 

1.Where to stay- Kuta (if you are a Bogan) Seminyak (if you think you are classy) and Legian (if you can't decided if you are a Bogan or classy). There are other places but these are the most popular.

2. Whether to stay in a Villa or a Hotel.

Now I have never stayed in a Villa because my most favourite thing to do on a holiday is to people watch. And if you are staying in a Villa the only people you have to watch and judge is your friends (and lets face it - you don't need to go on holiday to do that). 

I have become the expert people watcher. I position myself on a pool bed, put on my hat and sunglasses and away I go. Or another tip is to get a pool ring and float in the pool. But in both cases you MUST keep your sunnies on and never, I repeat NEVER make eye contact. Because you want to WATCH not TALK. You need to position your self so that you are close, but not too close and every now and then, move a bit away or flick the pages of your magazine.

So I identified the 7 main holiday types on my holiday. They are

1. The parents who need to watch Supernanny. These are the ones who never say no to their kids, give them everything they want, and then can't work out why they throw a tantrum when they say no. All I can say to them is if you reckon parenting a 5 year old is hard- wait until they are 15. Just ask the parents who in the departure lounge at the airport in Bali who got called back by security because customs found BB guns and lasers in their kids bags.

2. The Food Thief. This is the mum who thinks that the breakfast that is included in the price of the hotel room is actually breakfast, morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. She is the one who has brought 4 tupperware containers from home, fills them up at Breakfast and then gets her empty water bottles filled up with choc milk, apple juice and orange juice. She also orders a latte at breakfast and takes it to the pool because at the pool the coffee would cost $4. Totally not cool.

                                                  


3. The "Hi I'm Kath from Adelaide". We all know a Kath from Adelaide. She is the one that wants to talk AT you not to you. She wants to tell you about how much she has travelled, all about her husband, how her son won a merit certificate at school, all the best and worst places to visit at your holiday destination. She is also the one who has had/done/been anywhere and everything that you have done before (or knows someone that has). She has no interest whatsoever in anything you have to say.You can also identify her because she is the one that all the people who have been at the resort for more than 1 day are avoiding, because you can only hear about the vegetable business in Adelaide for so long.

4. The Young Lovers. First holiday together, so in love. The cuddle in the pool, the share each other food, they hold hands and gaze longingly into each others eyes. First holidays togethers do however also mean first fights together. And we all know that nothing tests new love faster than a good dose of Bali Belly.

5. Bazza from Balga. Baz loves Bali, comes here every year and celebrates with a new tattoo for each trip. He has a Bintang for breakfast, morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. Dinner is celebrated with a large Bintang. He never eats that "indo food" and sticks with chips and burgers. His long suffering wife Beryl sits by his side and nods at all the right times. She gently asks Baz to maybe pop his singlet back on after she has lovingly rubbed cream into his new tattoo at the airport. She is also willing to forgo her bottle of Bacardi duty free so Baz can get 4 bottles of Beam. She also stays behind at the hotel to mind the pool beds while Baz and the boys go Water Bom Park.

6. The Bitch Moles. They are called bitch moles because their is hair is perfectly straight with no frizz at all even in that humidity. They generally do not sweat, and do not get a dodgy tummy, even though they sat on a grubby curb eating corn from a street vendor at 2am in the morning. In the rain. And their hair still stayed straight.

7. The Nosy Middle Aged Women**. She is the one who watches everyone at the pool thinking she is anonymous and people don't notice her. She thinks that her glasses make her invisible and can't see the judgemental look on her face. She has hair that frizzes the moment she walks out of her hotel room, and is a lightweight when it comes to drinking Long Island Ice Teas, but is very good with a Bintang. She is paranoid about getting Bali Belly so she is constantly using hand sanitizer, and asking her kids if they have washed their hands, or have taken their travel bug tablet. She is busy judging everyone else, so she doesn't notice that others are looking and her going " Geez her kids argue a lot- don't they?"

Please feel free to add to my list.

* For the record I stay in Legian - because as much as I like to think of myself as classy- we all know I have a lot of inner bogan.

This may look like a drink. It is not. It is the work of the Devil.

** Number 7 was me. And if my two friends are reading this who I went out with that night about 13 years ago when we were convinced that our Long Island Iced Teas got spiked- they weren't.  In the words of the lovely Bar Boy- " Drink too strong for girls." Yep- even those girls who think they can drink like a man.

Happy New Year and my New Year "thing"

Welcome to 2015. I know it is a few days in ( my brain in still in Bali mode so I am honestly not sure of the date) but I am slowly getting over my jet lag- I know it is only 3 hours but have you ever been stuck on a plane with 300 bogans?- and I couldn't remember where I hid my computer. There was an up side to this though- I did have to clean my room up in order to find the special hiding spot. Note to self- Don't change your hiding spot without leaving a note for your self.

Bali was fab and I have at least two awesome blogs to come about my time in Perth's most northern suburb, but for now I thought I would discuss my New Year "thing". I have decided against calling it a resolution because lets face it you call it a resolution because we all know they don't work so you don't have to keep them. Am I right or am I right? And no it is not going to be quitting drinking. If my "thing" was to be about drinking it would be to remember everything that happens when I drink.

So my New Years "thing" is to try and quiet my mind. You see it dawned on me that I am an all or nothing kind of girl (yes I know I am not a girl, but it sounds better than middle aged women). I don't go for a 5km run- I do a marathon, I either drink no wine, or I will have a bottle, I am either in my pyjamas or I am dressed up, I am either on a diet or I am bingeing. I have no in between switch. So needless to say my brain is either going 100% or I am asleep.

So I have decided to try and "calm my mind". I read an article about this thing called " Headspace" where they teach you how to train you mind for 10 minutes a day with their amazing free app ( which you only get for 10 days and then you have to sign up) It is kind of amazing and everything Andy (the person behind Headspace) says is so true. And he used to be a Monk so know he is telling the truth. A monk with a British accent, but a monk none the less. They also send you reminders on your phone to ask you how your meditation is going, and it has some cute little animations to help you.

I have also downloaded another free app about hypnotherapy. Well ok it is free unless you want to pay $3 for the Hypnotic booster. I am also starting to see that there is no such thing as a free app. 

So let me tell you this. This meditation thing is really, really hard. Have you ever tried to not think about anything? Andy Headspace tells me to just re focus when you feel your mind wondering- which for me was all the time. The Hypnotherapy women tells me to focus on her voice. I ended up finding both just exhausting.

Here are some tips I have found out.

1. Ensure you pick a spot where you will NOT be disturbed. I selected a lovely spot one day by the pool in Bali. I plugged in my headphones, pressed play and then was interrupted by all three of my kids. Like my daughter said- It kind of defeated the purpose of meditation when I am yelling " Can you all shut up- I am trying to meditate here."

2. Make sure there is nothing you have to do. Because I can guarantee you that when you are lying down trying not to think about anything, this is all you will think about.

3. You will find your self thinking some weird shit. Like last night I found myself wondering why they ever stopped making Yogi Bear Chocolates in the 70's. ( Start at the knees please). I mean what the hell is my subconscious trying to tell me apart from the fact that my mind is clogged up with lots of crap.

4. There is a really fine line between a meditative state and an asleep state. So maybe sitting up when you meditate is a good tip ( unless you are Asian, because they have the skill that they can sleep ANYWHERE. This is a skill I wish I could have)

Here is a link to Headspace - not to be confused with Headspace the amazing service for teenagers and young people at risk.

Here is also a link to Andy's TED talk