I like to watch - but not in a creepy way.

                                               

I have just returned from an awesome 11 days in Bali. Well mostly awesome, apart from a few little hiccups- mostly fighting children hiccups. Now for my non Australian readers Bali is  a 3 and a half hour plane trip from Perth, and if you have not been to Bali you are almost not Australian.  Most will make the trip at least once a year, because it is cheap, sunny and there is lots of cheap beer and awesome hotels. There is also Bali Belly,Bintang Belly,Bogans and ugly ink, but lets not dwell on the negatives.

When you plan you trip to Bali you find your self faced with two main decisions. 

1.Where to stay- Kuta (if you are a Bogan) Seminyak (if you think you are classy) and Legian (if you can't decided if you are a Bogan or classy). There are other places but these are the most popular.

2. Whether to stay in a Villa or a Hotel.

Now I have never stayed in a Villa because my most favourite thing to do on a holiday is to people watch. And if you are staying in a Villa the only people you have to watch and judge is your friends (and lets face it - you don't need to go on holiday to do that). 

I have become the expert people watcher. I position myself on a pool bed, put on my hat and sunglasses and away I go. Or another tip is to get a pool ring and float in the pool. But in both cases you MUST keep your sunnies on and never, I repeat NEVER make eye contact. Because you want to WATCH not TALK. You need to position your self so that you are close, but not too close and every now and then, move a bit away or flick the pages of your magazine.

So I identified the 7 main holiday types on my holiday. They are

1. The parents who need to watch Supernanny. These are the ones who never say no to their kids, give them everything they want, and then can't work out why they throw a tantrum when they say no. All I can say to them is if you reckon parenting a 5 year old is hard- wait until they are 15. Just ask the parents who in the departure lounge at the airport in Bali who got called back by security because customs found BB guns and lasers in their kids bags.

2. The Food Thief. This is the mum who thinks that the breakfast that is included in the price of the hotel room is actually breakfast, morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. She is the one who has brought 4 tupperware containers from home, fills them up at Breakfast and then gets her empty water bottles filled up with choc milk, apple juice and orange juice. She also orders a latte at breakfast and takes it to the pool because at the pool the coffee would cost $4. Totally not cool.

                                                  


3. The "Hi I'm Kath from Adelaide". We all know a Kath from Adelaide. She is the one that wants to talk AT you not to you. She wants to tell you about how much she has travelled, all about her husband, how her son won a merit certificate at school, all the best and worst places to visit at your holiday destination. She is also the one who has had/done/been anywhere and everything that you have done before (or knows someone that has). She has no interest whatsoever in anything you have to say.You can also identify her because she is the one that all the people who have been at the resort for more than 1 day are avoiding, because you can only hear about the vegetable business in Adelaide for so long.

4. The Young Lovers. First holiday together, so in love. The cuddle in the pool, the share each other food, they hold hands and gaze longingly into each others eyes. First holidays togethers do however also mean first fights together. And we all know that nothing tests new love faster than a good dose of Bali Belly.

5. Bazza from Balga. Baz loves Bali, comes here every year and celebrates with a new tattoo for each trip. He has a Bintang for breakfast, morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. Dinner is celebrated with a large Bintang. He never eats that "indo food" and sticks with chips and burgers. His long suffering wife Beryl sits by his side and nods at all the right times. She gently asks Baz to maybe pop his singlet back on after she has lovingly rubbed cream into his new tattoo at the airport. She is also willing to forgo her bottle of Bacardi duty free so Baz can get 4 bottles of Beam. She also stays behind at the hotel to mind the pool beds while Baz and the boys go Water Bom Park.

6. The Bitch Moles. They are called bitch moles because their is hair is perfectly straight with no frizz at all even in that humidity. They generally do not sweat, and do not get a dodgy tummy, even though they sat on a grubby curb eating corn from a street vendor at 2am in the morning. In the rain. And their hair still stayed straight.

7. The Nosy Middle Aged Women**. She is the one who watches everyone at the pool thinking she is anonymous and people don't notice her. She thinks that her glasses make her invisible and can't see the judgemental look on her face. She has hair that frizzes the moment she walks out of her hotel room, and is a lightweight when it comes to drinking Long Island Ice Teas, but is very good with a Bintang. She is paranoid about getting Bali Belly so she is constantly using hand sanitizer, and asking her kids if they have washed their hands, or have taken their travel bug tablet. She is busy judging everyone else, so she doesn't notice that others are looking and her going " Geez her kids argue a lot- don't they?"

Please feel free to add to my list.

* For the record I stay in Legian - because as much as I like to think of myself as classy- we all know I have a lot of inner bogan.

This may look like a drink. It is not. It is the work of the Devil.

** Number 7 was me. And if my two friends are reading this who I went out with that night about 13 years ago when we were convinced that our Long Island Iced Teas got spiked- they weren't.  In the words of the lovely Bar Boy- " Drink too strong for girls." Yep- even those girls who think they can drink like a man.