My 11 signs that shows you have your life together enough.

                                              


On the back of my last post about the 32 signs that I don't have my life together. Most of the feedback was very supportive (thank you) and I was encouraged that I have my life together enough. So I thought I would give you my list of the signs I think you have your life together. According to me.

1. You get to work everyday on time, dressed and looking half decent. ( I was going to add with your lunch- but today I forgot my lunch. I'm freaking starving).

2. Your children are alive, have breakfast, you (mostly) remember to put their lunch in their school bag and get to school every day.

3. You do the washing and manage to hang it on the line. And it stays on the line for less than a week.

4. The basket of washing then stays in the laundry for less than a week. In my case this is because I have either run out of clean knickers or I need my "hold my tummy in" knickers so I figure it is time to attack that basket. If I'm being honest the last basket of washing took me 2 weeks to fold. But hey it finally got folded.

5. You know exactly how far you can drive around with the petrol light on in your car before you run out of petrol.

6. You don't make your bed everyday- but at least one day a week. Well once in the fortnight. Oh ok then at least when you change the sheets.

7. You remember to feed the animals. Some days the dogs may have to have cat biscuits and vice versa, but food is food right?

8. You always give you kids veggies. Because you always have a bag of frozen peas and corn in the freezer. And on the days you run out of frozen peas and corn you just make pasta. Because you always have pasta and pasta sauce.

9. You pay all your bills before you get a final notice. Well maybe on the day you get the final notice. Or the day after.

10. You walk around at work fast and with a piece of paper and a pen in your hand because that way it looks like you know what you are doing. And the faster you walk the more important and busy you look.

11. You are able to laugh at yourself and admit that 75% you don't have you shit together. And thats what make you human.

Another day- another dollar.

I think everyone imagines a time when their life is a scene from a movie- like when Rose walks down the stair case into the adoring arms of Jack in Titanic, or the romantic kiss in the lake scene in The Notebook. Well yesterday I found myself in a scene from a movie.

Everyone knows Dangerous Minds. That film from the 90's where Michelle Pfeiffer finds herself teaching the disengaged kids in the roughest school and wins them over and inspires them to read poetry and stuff. And the song Gangsta's Paradise is in it. Well I found myself in a scene from that movie. Just not at the inspiring bit. I was at the bit at the beginning when she walks into the room, no one listens to her and chaos occurs. 

To make myself feel better- it was last period, and it is a class mostly full of disengaged boys - but it was closest to a zoo I have ever experienced. We were watching Southpaw ( they like the music- put a movie on with a song that is by a rapper with a bit of swearing- teenage boy GOLD). Then they all had to do demonstrations of what a Southpaw was. Its a boxing move- so I had boys boxing. The ones watching were banging their iced tea bottles ( I know right?? How weird that teenage boys drink iced tea) in support of the boxing. Then for some reason they wanted to know which Kardashian I would pick if I was a boy (Kendall obviously). The boys all went for Kylie. Then somehow baby spiders started falling from the roof (don't ask), this of course resulted in all the girls squealing and the alpha boys coming to the rescue. In another corner I had one boy yelling at me to see how another boy could make a connection between Jake Gyllenhaal and any other actor in 5 steps (which to be fair was quite impressive).  I then had a knock at the door and it was 4 boys smiling at me - saying that they wanted to come into the class. I looked at them and it took all my self control to not say " Are you fucking kidding me?"  In the end I had no choice but to go with it. There was no way I was going to win this one. I gave up on trying to teach them the finer details of establishing a protagonist and antagonist and setting up a narrative for a drama and just put on the damn movie. Because some days you just have to.

It's not all bad though- today the girls told me I needed to set up a " Look of the Day " Instagram account, one of the boys told me that my hair looked nice, and one of my Year 12's told a Year 11 "yeah- you think you aren't learning anything in here and then you sit the exam and think 'wow- I totally have learnt stuff." (At least I think thats a compliment).

And then I have what I like to call total Emma moments. Like today when I found myself standing in front of 20 16 years olds reading the lyrics of Flo Rida's " Whistle"  ( here is a sample of the chorus for you all )

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go

When I look down and see that my shirt button had popped open (obviously due to my excitement reading out the riveting lyrics). It's really hard to try and discreetly do up your shirt- reading dirty song lyrics, hoping to god that they don't notice the impending wardrobe malfunction, when I was already a little bit mortified (and blushing) that I was reciting  Flo Rida telling people to "slow it down baby- take a little longer" when they are blowing his whistle.

Here is Flo Rida. Obviously trying to find his whistle.

And then the cherry on top of my day was when I stood at the carpark looking for my car. When I was about to panic that it had been stolen I remembered I had parked it at the other side of the school. Of course I had. No wonder I drink.

32 Signs I Don't have my Life together..

I came across and article today (on Facebook- so it must have some fact) and it was called= "32 Signs You Actually Have Your Life Together". It would seem I have a little way to go....
You can read the whole article here- or here is a summary for you

1. Wearing matching underwear- oh please only women in Victoria Secret catalogues do that. Don't they?
2. Cooking enough dinner to have leftovers the next day. Remembering to take said leftovers to work. Well in fairness I do make enough for left overs- but they are either eaten by someone else, or I don't feel like them it comes around to lunch.
3. Having your opal card somewhere you can actually find it- I assume this is like a Smartrider. I can find it. It's in my purse. But it has no credit.
4. Leaving the house with a fully charged phone, and remembering to bring your charger. Extra points if the charger actually works- I can do this one- I always leave home with a charged phone. 
5. Knowing your car rego by heart- I know it has in IE in it. Or is it EI???
6. Keeping receipts (and remembering where you put them) for tax. What do you mean keep them for tax? Why? You put them in the bin when you get home so you can ignore how much you have spent. Derr.
7. Going food shopping and using all of the said food before it goes off in your fridge. No one does this. No one.
8. Saturday night, two percent battery, ordering an Uber and having it arrive before your phone goes flat- my phone never goes flat. Winning
9. Meditating- I try, but I get bored and start remembering things I have to do and then I get stressed.
10. Actually being active in your activewear- I used to.. does that count
11. Having a six drink rule and sticking to it- once again- no one does this
12. Your manicure lasting more than 48 hours- if I get SNS. If not- lucky if it lasts a day.
13. Memorising your pin number like a boss - I can do this one, all 4 of them. And my pin number to the photocopier at work.
14. Losing your phone, but having a lock on it - I would never lose my phone- it is glued to my hand. And I do have a lock on it. Which I have to keep changing because I tell it to everyone anyway.
15. Those moments when you can afford to fill your petrol tank all the way up. But its such a waste of money.... thats like a new dress.... and what if the price of petrol goes down??
16. Leaving hydralyte, water and 2 panadol by your bed before you go out and remembering to take them when you come home.  Never. and you know how that water can seem sooooo far away when you wake up hungover and are dreaming of water
17. Having enough money to renew your license for 5 years- Next. 
18. Not having to lie about skills and experience on your CV- this one is easy because I have been in the same job since 2003. And I can't lie to save my life.
19. Waking up to no awkward morning-after Facebook posts- Next
20. Only loading 5 drunk snapchats instead of your regular 20. But doesn't everyone want to see the hilarious things I do with my friends??
21. Going to a farmers market and buying kale- this one is a lie. No one buys kale. And Farmers Market shut to early. Who goes out that early on a Sunday?
22. Knowing WTF to do with kale- I made kale chips once. I burnt them, but I made them. I think the burn added flavour.
23. Wearing matching socks, preferably your own. And keeping the excitement of this to yourself whilst in public. I share my house with two children and two dogs, there is no such thing as a matching pair of socks. They all live in one drawer. It's like a lucky dip.
24. Waking up at your first alarm so you can actually wash your hair - Why would you when you can sleep through it and cause yourself some morning stress?
25. When your day 5 hair can still pass thanks to half a can of dry shampoo and a top knot?
26. A streak free fake tan. Is it natural? No one can say for sure- I can do this one. It's called Bondi Sands and a mitt.
27. When your eyeliner is symmetrical and you’re like, no biggie- I can also do this as well. And if its not- just add more mascara.
28. Owning a Le Creuset- is that like a croissant?
29. Being able to cook something in your Le Creuset- why would you cook in a croissant?
30. Ordering wine by names other than ‘house red’ and ‘house white’ Sure I order the SSB, the SB, the Rose, Sparkling or the Prosecco.
31. Having at least one Aesop product in your bathroom (go for the hand soap: minimum expenditure, maximum visual impact)- I do!!! It was a present.
32. Waking up on Sunday morning and knowing who you are, where you are, and who is lying next to you- I always wake up in my bed ( I hate sleep overs) my dogs are usually lying next to me, but most Sundays I wake up having no idea where I am or what day it is.

An open letter to Justin Bieber..

Dear Jus ( I hope you don't mind if I call you that- but thats what I call all the Justins in my life),

I went and saw you in concert last night and let me tell you... you were great. Your voice was amazing as always, the staging was great, you still look super cute and your songs were awesome (although I'm a bit disappointed you didn't sing Beauty and the Beat) , but I left the concert feeling slightly concerned about you. So I think I need to ask you the question. Are you ok???

You seemed (while performing a very entertaining show that your audience loved) a little bit distant. I don't think I saw you smile, and you seemed to be going through the motions.
Last time you were here- you really performed and seemed to enjoy performing. You had a sparkle in those pretty eyes of yours and you interacted with your audience. Where was that last night?

I get that it was hot, but maybe you could have taken your tracky off (for the record wearing you tracky was a very Australian thing to do- nice touch there) in fact I think your audience was quietly hoping for that. And it might have been a nice touch if you had said " Hello Perth" rather than " Hello Australia". I get it can be tricky remembering where you are- just ask Axel Rose- but maybe you could have written it on your hand. We like that interaction thing. Most people I spoke to said all talked about when you couldn't get your bracelets off. It was cute, it was human and it was Justin.

You are an amazing talent. You are a lovely looking young thing and have been blessed with a voice of an angel. You seem to be maturing into a top bloke. All the footage I have seen of you while you have been in Perth shows that you a really nice guy. But call it my maternal instinct ( my own children would laugh at that- they say I have none) but I get that feeling that all is not well in Justin Bieber land.

So if you would like to have a chat- I am more than happy to sit down and have a dart (that's Perth for a cigarette) and a beer- hell we could even do a few shots. I have work tomorrow and Uni until 7:30 but I'm free after that. I could give you the talk about do what ever it is you need to do to make yourself happy again. Take some time off, go and walk a mountain, lie on a beach what ever- but go and find your smile.

Thanks again for an awesome night and for making so many people happy.

And I hope you get to see a Koala. Oh and go for a morning walk around the river. You might see some dolphins.

Love Em
xxx

Body rehab up date..and I pose a question.

                                   

The body rehab is going well. I think I have now lost around 8 kgs in 6 weeks. My clothes are getting looser but I'm still waiting for people to say. " Have you lost weight?" Or maybe it is just because everyone knows I am on a diet- body rehab program. I think rehab must be working because I have been bloody sick. My whole body must be purging.

I have however made a few changes. I have introduced steak into my diet and I have had a cheat day. Because I had a hangover. And you need to feed a hangover. Right??? Cauliflower soup does not do the job.

As I was sinking my teeth into my Whopper on Saturday I felt a rush of pure joy. The chips.... heaven. The vegemite on toast (with butter) I consumed when I got home at 3am on Saturday morning...bliss. The pizza I had for dinner on Saturday ( it was a big hangover ok)...there are no words. But it honestly got my thinking...... no matter how good the intentions, no matter the motivation, no matter how bad you know the food is for you, no matter how badly you want to be able to have a profile shot of you taken without having to go the Facetune app to shave off a few inches from your tummy and arms- do you ever really lose the taste for it??

Will the day ever come when I feel the same passion for a vegie stirfry as I do for a quarter pounder with cheese?? Will I ever stop looking longingly when the person next to me has penne carbonara when I am feasting on my steamed vegies and barramundi?? Will I ever not get more excited about the fact that a trip to the country means I can get a crumbed chicken and cheese sausage from the servo????

                                                       

When will it be easy to walk past the party pies and sausage rolls at the weekly morning tea to grab a carrot stick and a celery stick??  Will the day come when I look at a piece of caramel slice and feel repulsed?? Will I ever stop feeling ridiculously jealous of someone eating a Cadbury Creme Egg? When will I not want to cry at the unfairness of walking past a pub having a $10 Chicken Parmie night ($12.50 if you want salad) and not being able to have one? Will I ever be able to watch a cooking show again without throwing something at the screen? And don't even start me on the sadness I feel when I see a glass of champagne. It is pure grief. I have even had to drive to work a different way so I can't see the chicken roll and chips poster outside Red Rooster.

I always thought that when I got older I would mature and all of a sudden lose my taste for fattening food. I really, really want too. I want vegies to be my go too. I want to get excited over a piece of crispy skinned salmon. I want to say " I love tofu" and really mean it. I want to be able to say " Oh - I forgot to eat lunch today." or " Oh - no thanks - I'm not hungry." I want the day to come that eating a piece of cheesecake will make me feel sick. I want to be able to go to a pub and actually really feel content that the piece of lime I make them put in my Coke Zero is making me feel fancy. 

Can you honestly turn your taste buds around?? Does it ever truly happen? Does anyone really like Chia pudding? Or are we all really just liars trying to convince ourselves? I will continue to live in hope. And in the meantime I will continue to dream of bread (seriously). And count the days down until my road trip. That crumbed chicken and cheese sausage is going to be amazing.