It's time to revisit Beyonce.

To the left Bitches- blue lycra onesie optional

Those of you who are my Facebook friend will remember that a couple of weeks ago I had a little rant about people not sticking to the left. ( My readers from other countries may be a little confused right about now, but in Australia you drive on the left hand side of the road). I came up with a little reminder that I called "The rule of Beyonce" that is "to the left to the left".

What has started me off today is due to the fact that I got up this morning and went for a run. I concede that I may have a few ownership issues over the area that I run in, because I use the path everyday. I quite happily share this path with fellow runners and walkers and even the occasional dog. I begrudgingly share it with cyclists, because lets face it, unless you are a cyclist, no one likes cyclists- all that lycra, and they splash you and don't ring their bells (and while I'm at it, no one like roller bladers because they are just stupid). This morning I had an issue. People were not sticking to the left. And just quietly- I lost my temper a little.

Girlfriend- ain't got no time for people who can't stick to the left

It is really so simple. YOU STICK TO THE FRIGGIN LEFT. This rule applies to all aspects of life, Well except for Politics. Feel free to stick to what ever side floats your boat. Here is some examples for you-

When you are driving your car unless you are overtaking or feel the need to go quite fast - TO THE LEFT.

When you are running, walking, cycling on a path - TO THE LEFT

When you are walking in a shopping mall- TO THE LEFT

When you are walking up and down stairs- TO THE LEFT

When you are walking down the aisle in the shopping centre- TO THE LEFT

When you are on an escalator - TO THE LEFT.

Of course some times you may have to make some slight adjustments to the rule, but if you must make your way to the right, ease your way on back to the left when you can.

So simple, so easy. 

When we all learn to stick to the left , we will all be sparkling like Beyonce

Next time you are in a situation when someone is not to the left, just shout Beyonce. I am sure it will catch on.

.Images via Pinterest

I have an addiction....

To cooking shows. That got you didn't it, I know you where thinking I was finally going to recognise my alcohol addiction.

I love, love, love cooking shows, and Foxtel is permanently set to the Cooking Channel. My current favourites are


Gordan Ramsay- the one where he cooks at home with his cuter than a button daughter Tilly. I just want to reach into the tele and pinch those cutie little cheeks. She also makes fun of her dad. Some times he has his mum in and she tells him she doesn't like the food he cooks.

                         
                                This is Gordon with his beautiful girls. And his man boobs.

Nigella- of any shape or form. And she is any shape or form, as they show any episode from her first series to her latest, with no continuity at all. I think I have seen every episode about 5 times. I do find her overuse of adjectives a little annoying at times, but she is the only woman who I think enjoys food more than me. I decided I was going to eat like Nigella once. 3 months and 15 kgs later I decided that maybe she doesn't eat like that all the time.

                        
                                    or maybe she does.

Come Dine With Me- this is English and four people have each other over for dinner. The narrator is hilarious. I also think I have seem every episode of this twice. Oh ok, maybe three times.
                   


Great British Bake Off. I love this show with every inch of my being. It stars Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. Along with Mel and Sue, the two female hosts who are hilarious and make really bad puns about buns. They make super awesome cakes and breads and the contestants don't take themselves seriously and never cry, which is nice (and very British). And they talk about soggy bottoms, quite a lot.

"So Mary- what do you think of my sexy face?"
" Nice Paul, but not as sexy as your buns."

Food Safari- This is Australian and hosted by Maeve. She talks about different cuisines. I want this job. I want it bad. Except in my show I would have to travel to that country. And then eat all the amazing food and exchange witty remarks with my interviewees. I would of course have many specials on Champagne wineries. ( Is that what they are called?)

                                              It should be Food Safari with Emma Cannell

Bill Granger anything, because there is nothing more fun than making fun of pastel Bill for 30 minutes.

"Dad, is that bowl in Donna Hay blue? Or Nigella blue ? Tiffany blue? or Bill blue?"

" Shhh Bunny, daddy trying to look relaxed with my carefully tousled hair."

"God Dad, you are sooooo embarrassing. And while we are discussing things, why the hell did you call me Bunny?"

Lorraine Pascal- she is also English and she was a model before she was a baker (there is an oxymoron if ever there was one) She makes cakes covered in Malteasers. Enough said.

Donna Hay- Not that I want to mention my love hate relationship with her again BUT she does do quick easy cheat food. I also spend the whole episode yelling at her to tie up her hair.

                   Tie up that freakin hair. That's an occupational health and safety issue surely.

Cake Boss- because he is The Boss. He makes amazing cakes, that according to my cake decorator instructor must be really really stale. He and his family also fight a lot which is funny. They are Italian, so they yell, and he pronounces fondant fonnndonnnt. Alaways gets a laugh.

This is Buddy. He is the boss.

Cupcake Wars- because it is a show about cupcakes and they have a war. Well not a real war, but cupcakes are serious business.Did you know that Americans scoop out a hole in the centre of their cupcakes and fill them with stuff BEFORE they add the frosting? Tell me again why Americans are so fat?

The guy on the end is french and I can never understand a word he says. You just have to look for facial expressions.

My Kitchen Rules- because it is fun, and doesn't take itself too seriously, except maybe for Pete. He seems a little bit serious. That would be because he is stressed from activating all those almonds and has no where enough fat in his diet.

                My name is Pete and I am very healthy and serious and I wear ugly jackets. 

Masterchef- THE ENGLISH VERSION. I repeat THE ENGLISH VERSION. I used to adore the Australian version, but then everyone starter crying, having a sob story, and wanted to be a chef wayyyyy more than they wanted work as a lawyer. It still puzzles me why then they don't go to TAFE and get an apprenticeship. 

                                Greg and John. Masterchefs.

Food cooking shows I don't like include Hueys Cooking Adventures. I hate this show for so many reasons. Mainly because he has really odd fat sausage fingers, he does that weird laugh thing and says " Plllleeeeeassse don't add tomato sauce." Well not actually tomato sauce but I couldn't think of a better example.

                   
                                      See, sausage fingers

I also don't like River Cottage. I just don't do farming, free range, organic stuff. I have not time for that. I actually put Jamie Oliver in that category. He can bang on about organic all he wants. I bet if his kids were grown up and he had a teenage boy and wasn't a zillionaire he couldn't afford organic either.

                              Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. When did you leave the real world?

Happy Cooking (shows) it's just like eating but without the calories.



all images via Pinterest

So you fancy being a High School Teacher?

When I tell people that I am teacher the conversation usually goes like this:
" What do you do?"
" I'm a teacher."
"Oh lucky, you get lots of holidays."
"Yes I do" (then I start rambling about how I work during my holidays blah, blah, blahs trying to justify myself)
" So Primary then?"
"No. High School."
" Oh my God, are you crazy? I could NEVER do that."
About this stage I want to ask if they finally get the holidays thing, but I don't.

So yes, I am a High School teacher. I never wanted to be a High School teacher. I wanted to be a presenter on Kids television, a journalist, or a Princess. Unfortunately there were no spots on Play School, my years of not taking school seriously (what do you mean school is for learning? I thought it was where you went to talk to your friends and perved on the boys at the school next door) meant that my score was not high enough to get into journalism and as Charles and Diana were still married the role of Princess was taken.

                Damn you Diana. It should have been me. 

So teaching it was. My first choice was Primary but I didn't get in, soooo High School . I got my degree and then decided there was no bloody was I was going to teach, so I decided to pack away my degree and embark on a career in retail. The out of the blue 10 years later I got a phone call from a friend (Hi Netsie) who asked if I could help a friend out and do some teaching work. I can hear all the new Grads thinking " Bloody Hell if only it was that easy to get a job now."So since 2000 I have been back teaching. And I really like it (most of the time). I was only thinking the other day about how Mum and Dad used to say " If only you spent as much time studying as you do watching television and movies." The irony that I now spend my days teaching film and television.

So what is good about teaching teenagers?

Teenagers are funny. They don't realise that they are funny.

You learn lots of really good words. You just have to make sure that a. you don't use them (sooo uncool) and b. If you take the risk and use it you understand what it means and when the word has had  it's used by date. For example words of the moment are " Bra" meaning friend and "Soss" meaning sorry. For example: 'Soss Bra" means "Sorry friend that I use stupid words."

Wear a t-shirt like this. I dare you.

You will also be advised of every single mistake you ever make. You are normally advised of this by the student who can't spell to save their lives, or doesn't do any work at all.  My excuse is that I teach Media, Media is an Arts subject, Arts is creative, therefore I spell creatively.

You get called Mum. A lot. This provides the best opportunity to embarrass the youngsters. I usually reply with " Haha you called me mum!" Only joking. I normally say " Yes sweetheart." The students also tend to think you are their mum because they expect you to do everything for them. This can also include giving them pens to write with and on the odd occasion money for the bus or lunch. They also expect you to find everything. 

You become the Queen of multi-tasking, you will be able to hear 7 different conversations, teach someone how to upload a video, fix the SD card in a video camera and have 6 different kids yelling MISS, MISS, all at the same time.

You get asked really really weird questions. Like " How tall is Kayne West?" or ' What do teachers talk about in the staffroom." or " Is there a cool table in the staff room and who sits on it."The reply is always- "That's why God invented Google." The best questions get asked when you are teaching Sex Ed. For obvious reasons.

Google. We tell you to look at Google.

It builds your own resilience, because everyone needs to understand what it feel like to talk to a brick wall. You also would be surprised how many times you can say the same thing. Apparently teenagers feel that as a teacher you just talk because you like to hear your own voice.

You learn about disappointment. Like when you plan the most amazing lesson, and then you ask " Any questions?" a hand goes up and they ask to go to the toilet. They then will tell you that the lesson is gay. Soul D.E.S.T.R.O.Y.I.N.G. At this stage I must clarify that I tell them that that word is not acceptable to be used in that context, because my lesson is neither happy or homosexual. I usually get blank stares back. Actually I get blank stares a lot.

You get free fashion advice everyday. Things like " You wore that yesterday" or "What are you wearing today Miss?" or my personal favourite  "You normally look nice Miss, but not today."

You will always be told if you are not looking too flash. I have been asked if I am sick or tired (No I have just not put on much make up) if I have slept in because my hair look messy, and asked why I am wearing glasses (they make you look a bit nerdy Miss.)

You get to experience those awkward moment when you see students outside of school. It is amazing how just 10m out of the school grounds can make things incredibly awkward. It is almost like a race to see who can look the other way fastest.

You get told when you are breaking the school rules. " Miss, Red Bull is not allowed" or " No mobile phones Miss." Unfortunately this does not work both ways. If you tell them they are breaking school rules, get ready for the eye rolls and big sighs. This is especially when you are talking uniform. My favourite is when they say that teachers should have to wear the uniform. I normally say " I wouldn't be seen dead in those pants." No I don't. (actually yes I do, I then follow it up with " I wore a shirt, tie, blazer, skirt, stockings and lace up shoes, so stop complaining about a bloody jumper)

Sometimes you will get sworn at and on the odd occasion I have had a chair thrown at me. This really prepares you for life. You have lived until you have been called a F*&^%N C$^T. Once again these moments are good to mention this bit when someone bangs on about the holidays I have.

You have a genuine excuse for having a drinking problem (that's how they should advertise the job)

Finally...the best things about working with teenagers is that they know EVERYTHING. Remember that and you will be fine. You should probably remember that they can smell fear as well.

The Rules of Dinner Dates

I was having a chat with a friend at work today and he was telling me about how he went out for dinner with his wife and two daughters last night. He went on to say that he shared his daughter's dessert and she wasn't too happy about that. I looked at him like he was an alien and said " Well of course she wasn't." He told me that that was the deal. They could have dessert if he could have a taste. Well this is where he was wrong. A taste is a taste. A spoonful. Like ONE spoonful.Unless of course the situation is reversed. I told him he obviously wasn't aware of the rules. He agreed. So to make life easy for everyone out there- here they are. I like to call then "The Rules of Dinner Dates."

1. Don't pick the restaurant. If we suggests going out for dinner, we has a place in mind. If you choose something yourself you are asking for disaster. Likewise, even if we say "You Choose" we don't mean it. Save the place you want to go to until you are going out with your mates.

1. When we says I can't decide between and Entree and a Dessert, you say " Have both, you don't go out for dinner every night." Or order whatever we say " that sounds nice." This is code for, "thats what I want but I don't want to order it and look like a greedy pig so you order it and I will eat it."
   
   
   
2. When we say " I can't decide between the chicken or the fish" she really means I will order the chicken and you will order the fish. If my chicken is crap, I will then  swap your fish with my chicken.
3. We can eat whatever we want from your plate, because food from anyone else's  plate has no calories.
4. When we say " Lets share a dessert." This is a lie. There is no sharing. You may get a spoonful, we will get the lot.

   

   Dream on- you are getting none of this.
5. Do not attempt to try more than a mouthful of our dessert. A try is just that. A TRY. Do not go in for seconds because, well just don't.
6. If we don't like our dessert, once again you will be expected to swap.
7. When we say " Oh My GOD, I am so full I feel like a fat pig." You say " You still look amazing and there is nothing worse than going out with someone who doesn't eat."
8. We do want another bottle of wine.

   

   Just order another bottle, no one wants to go home thirsty
9. We may offer to pay. We don't mean it.

Happy Weekend

xx

all images via Pintrest

Need a new mascara?

Sometimes there is a really positive upside to having kids and today is one of them. My youngest is sick and she needed someone to stay home and look after her. After a quick game of rock, paper, scissors (the winner gets to stay home- I won) I have spent the morning in bed bonding with the 8 year old, the dog and the cats.  The only downside I can see is that we are watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid- why are kids movies so annoying these days, couldn't it at least be Despicable Me?

Last week I was asked for some mascara recommendations so here goes. The request also asked for a good waterproof one, but I think if you get a good mascara it won't run off or fade. I find that waterproof ones are so hard to get off, build up over time and go clumpy.

I have to say I had a bit of realisation the other day, which I wasn't very happy with. Expensive stuff really is better. Magazine editors can bang on all they want about Maybelline Great Lash selling a million tubes a second, but compare it with a more pricey one and their is just no comparison.

Great Lash only cost $7 a tube. So buy it and try.

 I will give it that it is a great dark inky black, but thats all I give it. Oh I do like the container. This is not to say that there is no room for cheap mascaras in your makeup kit, but for a good night out- I suggest a little more high end. 

My favourite everyday mascaras (at the moment, favourites are always subject to change) are
Covergirl Lashblast. 

Awesome colour, great volume and doesn't clump. It is cheap $17.95 but you can often get it on sale at the supermarket or Priceline. I have also tried the waterproof one and it is also pretty good. If I need a waterproof because I am going on a sun holiday or a snow holiday I will grab one of these.

My other "daytime" mascara is Lancome Hypnose Star.

 I came upon this by accident because I won it in a competition. I have always heard how good Lancome mascaras are, and I wasn't disappointed with this. It goes on like a dream, has a good colour and doesn't clump. Lancome are well known for their mascaras and their Definicils High Definition sells one tune every three seconds.

                  You can get that for $39 on Strawberry Net.

Here is a photo of my eyes ( I have no other makeup on because I am still in my pyjamas) I have written underneath which side is wearing which mascara.

                                          Lancome                       vs                    Covergirl


My current "Glam" mascaras are Covergirl Flamed Out Mascara. 

This is only $14.95 (yes practically free) and I like it because it  gives a dramatic look with no clumping or flaking.

My other glam is my bareMinerals LashDomination Volumising Mascara.

It is available at Mecca and only costs $22.95. I love the way it makes my lashes look, but it can be a little bit harder to apply so I make sure I wipe the brush before I put it on.

                                           Covergirl                vs                bareMinerals

Other notable mentions include

Diorshow mascara

Benefit They're Real (my girlfriend swears by this one)

I am also a fan of Cliniques mascaras. They do the job ( as I find all Cliniques products do). I also like their waterproof mascaras

Some important application tips.

• don't pump the wand- this just adds air and makes it go thick
• wipe off excess before you apply it - just wipe it on the rim
• apply it on your lashes in a seesaw motion, kind of like windscreen wipers
• use the tip of the wand to do the little lashes in the inner and outer corners
• hold the wand on your lashes for a few seconds to help obtain a curl- I don't use an eyelash curlers- whose got time for that?
• apply two to three coats
• tidy up with some eye makeup remover if you get some smudges
• applying to the lower lashes is up to you. I do it for a night out, but find it is a bit much for daytime.

Happy Mascara-ring

Em

x

Another day, another diet.

Although apparently you shouldn't call then diets because as soon as you call them diets, you can't stop thinking about it. Like if I told you that you couldn't eat KFC (when did it stop being Kentucky Fried Chicken?) all you can think about is how much you want KFC. Even though of course we all know that KFC is a once a year food, you eat it and then you remember why you only eat it once a year. Although one friends thinks that she is allergic to the secret herb or spice, because it always gives her nightmares.

So it my blog the other day I mentioned that my husband and I were doing the 5:2 diet and a few people asked me what it was. I have also said before that I was doing Weight Watchers and some one also asked why I stopped doing it. So let me start with Weight Watchers.

I am a firm believer in Weight Watchers. I think nothing works better than public humiliation, so knowing that once a week you have to weigh yourself in front  of a group of strangers is the best motivation known to man. 

I have done WW on and off for years, and tend to always do it for a few weeks every now and then. This time though it didn't work so well. I don't think it was WW fault, although it is the first time I have used the ProPoints system. I did drop 5 kgs pretty quick, but I then hit a complete and utter standstill. Like nothing. Zip. Zero. I got so frustrated, because I was hungry all the freakin time and all I could think about was food. It also felt like I was just thinking about what to cook for lunch, dinner and breakfast. I also became obsessed with stepping on the bloody scales every morning. That little number that flashed on the screen had the ability to ruin my whole day.

Can we go back to these times please?

When holidays came around I thought "stuff it." I went back to normal eating (and drinking) and exercising. My weight didn't move either way because I stopped weighing myself. (YAY). My husband Justin decided he wanted to lose some weight (it may have had something to do with me giving him bruises from kicking him during the night from his snoring.) We have done the 5:2 diet before, because the Doctor actually recommended it.

The theory behind it is that you have 2 non consecutive fasting days a week. On these days you eat 500 calories if you are a girl and 600 calories if you are a boy.  For the rest of the week you eat normally. I am not going to lie the first time around I actually put on weight because I think I over did it on the non fasting days. I got really excited that I could eat, but people have great success with it, so we are trying again.

Pros-
- You only have to deprive yourself two days a week.
- The rest of the week you can live your life normally, you don't have to arrange your life around your  diet.
- You can change you fasting day to suit what you have planned for the week.
- You get to go to bed early because you want to escape your hunger
- You don't think about food all the time. (Well except for on fasting days)

Cons-
- On the fasting days you get bloody hungry. Like really, really, really hungry. I have found the key is to put off eating for as long as you can.  It is sort of like when you have been drinking on a big night out. You go to the toilet once and it's all over.
- It can be really hard to not overeat on the 5 days. I'm not going to lie, this is the part I am still coming to grips with. It is like those 5 days are a party. Yummy fun party food. Except it is not. EAT NORMALLY. (that's for my benefit- I'm shouting at myself).
- You can structure your exercise around your fasting days, so you have the energy to do your exercise. For example my running days are Mondays, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. My fasting days are Monday and Wednesdays, (except for this week, I changed fasting day until tomorrow because it was morning tea day at school- you can never say no to sausage rolls and cupcakes).

No one should have to say no to a cupcake

 This means that I am a bit energy deprived on Tuesday and Thursday's when it is a walking day, so thats ok.

So my fasting days look a little like this-

Berocca on the way to work
Ginger tea at work
Optifast Bar at recess ( I am using Optifast bars because I just find it easy to have calories worked out and it is full of protein and stuff- you can eat normal food.)
Lunch is a Miso soup
After lunch another ginger tea, or peppermint tea if I am feeling crazy
Dinner is stir fry veggies with an egg.
Either a Optifast Bar, Pudding or shake for an after dinner snack.

You can have as many calorie free drinks as you want. I also do tend to have a sugar free red bull, but only because I do a 9km run in the morning and I get tired. That what I tell myself anyway- I know they are bad for me, because the students tell me. As they are downing 500ml of the stuff themselves. AND theirs has sugar.

Yes I know they are bad, but have you ever tried to control thirty 13 years olds when you are hungry and tired?

I have been trying not to weigh myself, but I thought that for this blog I would, and bloody hell I have not lost a bloody kilo. But at least I haven't put anything on. I have also upped my exercise this week which could account for the lack of weight loss but my jeans are feeling a little bit looser.

 I think Justy has lost 3 kg in a month (of course he bloody has, why do men always lose weight so much faster?). As the weeks go on the fasting days are getting easier, and I can't believe I am saying this, but I actually feel really good on the fasting days. I read that the Doctor who invented the diet said that the fasting days act as "healing" days. I think thats a nice way to think of it.

Here is a link to the 5:2 website if you want to read more