Week 7 Ross Update

                                   


And yes he is still being a c*&t.

So where am I at with this horrible fucking awful virus..... well I am still not back at work, I am still unbelievably tired, still have constant pins and needles in my arms as Ross moves around my body, still in pain although rather than it being an unbearable pain it is more now a dull ache, mostly in my neck and arms. I still have revolting headaches and about every hour I get a fever (even though those closest to me keep telling me it is menopause). I can see where they are coming from because I get so hot, I start sweating and I start taking my clothes off. And then start yelling at everyone that it is not fucking menopause.

Unfortunately for me I have also been hit hard by the other symptom which is depression. And man has it hit me hard. Those of you who either know me, or read my blog often know that depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with all my life- so the depression element of Ross is something that I was probably always bound to get- but being the expert I am at managing my depression as a "highly functioning" depressed person I didn't imagine it would be this awful.

The key to the management of my anxiety and depression is that I keep really, really busy. I rely on exercise and never sitting still to keep it at bay. Having Ross means these are the things I can no longer do. I am also sick of being sick and feeling like crap and this means that I have also been forced to stop and deal with what has been a shit couple of years of my life. And I have fallen apart. Like really fallen apart. And it hasn't been pretty.

But from falling apart means that I have no other option than to put myself back together. So this is what I'm doing..

1. I'm making myself exercise. For me this is swimming, and it works a treat. Diving into that pool not only makes my body feel better but it also makes my head feel better.

2. I am making myself go out everyday- even though I don't feel like it at all. On the weekend I had a major meltdown out of nowhere, cried (yes- still all I do is cry) and had to have a shot of tequila to get me out of my friend's house. Well it might have been two.


3. I am telling people. I hate talking about my depression because I think it is a bit boring- but I also think it is important to let people know that it is ok to talk about it.

4. I am learning that it is ok to tell people that you are not ok. And that you don't have to be superwoman all the time.

5. I am leaning on my friends and taking up offers of help. And amazing my friends and family have been. 

6. I am reminding myself that this is only temporary, it could be worse and I am going to get better.


I said to my friends the other day that one day I will one day look back at this stage of my life and realise that it was a blessing. It has made me stop, process some unresolved issues I have from the last few years, and realise that I can't keep running away and ignoring them. I always have a theory that your body gives you signals when it is time to slow down, and if you ignore them it will stop you. I believe that this is what my body has done. 

But I also believe that the time has come where I need to start pulling myself together. It is going to be a long, hard journey and I am slowly learning to be kind and gentle to myself. I know it is going to be a long time before I am myself again but I look forward to breaking up with Ross and kicking his c*^ty arse to the curb. And as with any bad relationship learning from the lessons it has taught me.

So please put your mozzie spray on- I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.