I have always known this, and I watch with Google next to me. But this week was a game (no pun intended- or was it??) changer. I was so confused.
Here is my disclaimer. There are spoilers ahead. If you don't want spoilers get your shit together and keep up. Don't tell me " NO DON"T TELL ME!" and then when I ask you what episode you are up to you say "Season 2." No excuse. I repeat. YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SPOILERS.
 |
| Just like Jon Snow. I know nothing. |
Act 1- Sansa is making a coat for Jon (as would Sansa, as would I). Then she gets a message from Little Finger (who I find strangely attractive). She goes off and sees him. Just like that. Like she has ubered a horse and off she goes. Ummmm it took you 6 season to find Jon Snow and getting to Jons house was really dangerous. But you can just jump in an Uber- meet Little Finger (who for the record I am putting it out there.... I THINK IS YOUR DAD) tell him about how awful Ramsey is and then get home in time to finish hand sewing Jon's coat.
Act 2 - Arya Stark (whose name everyone pronounces differently- even her siblings) is still doing that dumb shit about being faceless. WHYYYYYYY? We all know who the girl is. Or is she just confused because no one pronounces her name right? Is that why she feels like no one? All she bloody does is get hit by that really mean girl and then Jesus keeps talking about no faces and sends her off to kill people and watch a play that sum up 6 seasons of Game of Thrones in 5 minutes. Seriously Arya there is no reason to train to be an assassin- leave it to the script writers. They will all be dead soon. Who was it you were trying to kill anyway? Even Google has forgotten.
Act 3- Back to Bran- who by now I wish was still missing. His flash back dreams are confusing the hell out of me and now he is surrounded by these dumb arse goblins (when did we meet them?) who made up the White Walkers? Huh? What?
Act 4 - The crew of the Black Pearl are waiting for the call up for Pirates of the Caribbean Part 24. While they are still in costume the Producers decide to write them in as members of the kingdom of some dirty smelling sea place. The only highlight is poor whats his face who got his you know what cut off by Ramsey running off with his sister with the boats so they are all on set for when Johnny Depp needs the money to pay off Amber Heard in the divorce.
Act 5- That good looking old guy who looks like Robert Redford (honestly what is his characters name and where did he come from? I know he was there at the start but like seriously - who the hell are you????) asks Daenerys what is a good moisturiser to use on his very dry skin because he noticed last week when she was starkers that her skin was smooth as a babies bottom. She sent him off to find a Priceline to get some Nivea. I hope she remembered to give him her Priceline card.
Act 6- Tyrian talks to a new red witch who I thought was the old red witch (haha- see what I did there old? because she is old when she takes the necklace off) but she is not the old red witch. There are like lots of them. She told the gossipy gay man( I am not judging- I love a good gossipy gay man) stuff which I didn't understand.
Act 7- Bran is still being a smart arse teenager and is doing what he has been told not to by the old man stuck in the tree and time travels- and meets the white walker who grabs his arm. Then Bran wakes up the old guy in the tree who is really, really mad and talks to him like I talk to one of my students when I have told them not to do something which they go ahead and do anyway.
Act 8 - Sansa, Jon Snow and all their friends play monopoly. Other stuff may have happened but Jon Snow was in the scene so I wasn't paying attention. I was side tracked by how well he is wearing his half up man bun.Then he and Sansa chatted while the other Night Watchers exploded bean bags and those balls went everywhere. And he said thanks for the coat. Although to be honest I think he was thinking ' Bloody hell just lost that friggin black crow coat and now this- has no one heard of microfibre???"
Act 9- The Head White Walker finds Bran (which isn't hard because he like... can't walk) gets found by the very tall white walker with the cast of zombies from Pirates of the Caribbean who are waiting for the call up as well (see act 4). The little pixies get killed which is a bit crappy because they made them because they thought the humans where shit (bet they are regretting that move). The girl who I swear is the same girl who wants to be queen of the smelling sea people runs off with Bran who won't for the love of God wake up ( typical friggin teenagers). She tells Hodor to " HOLD THE DOOR". Bran is dreaming of Hodor as a child having a fit yelling " Hold the door" which turns into " Hodor"- which to be honest is a bit of a stretch -and by now I'm so confused about the whole time travel thing that I forget to cry when Hodor get totally smashed by the white walkers. And died. As did his dog.
Exhausted and confused all I can say is. I BLOODY LOVE THIS SHOW.
Until Monday Jon Snow. Until Monday.
Who wakes up from being dead looking like this??
No comments:
Post a Comment