I am coming into this blind because I don't watch a whole lot of commercial tv these days, so I know almost nothing about the contestants at all. In fact the only thing MKR I know lately is the one of the judges- Pete Evens cracked it at a promotional event because people were not listening. He has obviously never been in a classroom. But I know why he is so angry. It is because the poor man is hungry. Man can not live on Paleo alone. There is a reason those cave men died you know.
So MKR 2015- Lets do this.
We start with a montage, quotes, tears,and people getting 10's. You know- the usual.Two minutes in and someone has already said " going to smash this." Which we all know is code for- "Oh no they're not"
First cabs off the rank are Jac and Shaz. They are in their 40's are from Mt Isa in Queensland and are party mums (aren't we all girls, aren't we all) They don't do any of that fancy pants nonsense. They also have the thickest Australian accents I have ever heard.Which juxtaposes well with Manu's french accent and the Texan who we haven't met yet. Jac and Shaz also say " Hey" which is Queensland for " Isn't that right."
Well Mt Isa (sorry Mt Izzza) looks delightful. As someone who has been there, I don't remember it quite looking like that. Oh God- Shaz sells Thermomix. And Jac's owns an exclusive boutique. Second cliche of the night- They cook "honest food". I'm still not sure what that is. Shaz also talks like everything thing ?she says? is a question? And raises every last? Syllable?
So on the menu today is Zucchini and Potato Rosti Stack with Smoked Salmon and Creme Fraiche. Main is Rack of Lamb with Crushed Potatoes (what is wrong with just a good old fashioned potato? Why must it be smashed or crushes or cracked?) and Lemon Green Beans . Desert is a Pear and Walnut crumble. With and added surprise of gorgonzola. That is a surprise. A gross surprise. Like finding gorgonzola in your crumble.
Restaurant " Stack" is prepared and the girls hit the kitchen. Third cliche for the night " It's real" has just been wheeled out. Meanwhile the girls get started on their 'Stack" get it? Shaz starts bossing Jac- but she loves it (her words). Look not much is happening really. They seem to have it all under control. Damn it. Or do they????
The guest arrive and already we have seen that Ash and Camilla are going to be the bitches for the series. And not just because they are socialites. How exactly do you become a socialite? Do you study it at TAFE or something? Ash is also a bit of an Alpha female. They love French and European. They go to Polo and the Races. They are food snobs and are educated and well travelled. They are also in their 20's. Therefore they know EVERYTHING.
The doorbell rings and we slip into about the 50th bloody song of the episode (the royalties they are paying for this soundtrack must be HUGE). 51st song and everyone is happy with the restaurant. They ..... NAILED IT (cliche number 4)
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| Some on in this photo is from Texas. Can you guess who? |
Robert and Lynzey are father and daughter. He talks real slow because he is from Texas. Oh and a cowboy. Lyndzey is a care worker and a champion athlete. Robert is an art teacher when he is not being a cowboy.
Back in the kitchen and disaster has struck. THE ROSTI IS SOGGY!!! And yep- you guessed it- if they don't get it in the oven it won't cook.
This is Annie and Lloyd . They are high school sweethearts. He wants to be a Doctor and she is crazy (her words). She likes having theme dinners. She also says kwirky a lot. And she likes pink. She also works in fashion. They are 23. She wants to get engaged.
This is Kat and Andre. He is a car salesman, I can't tell you what she does because she bores me already. They fish and like to cook what they get out of the ocean. They like having fun and want to open a deli. She is messy and he is neat. They had better be good because as they are from WA they should be Emma and Nicole. (who says I'm bitter?)
Gina and Anna are from ACT- they are mother and daughter, they work together and they are best friends. They box and do boot camp and are not intimidated by anyone. They play to win. They sell school uniforms. They are also annoying.
The Hyundai arrives- the doorbell rings and Pete and Manu raise their eyebrows at each other. They kiss Shaz and Jac and they are wearing complimentary jackets. Everyone is shocked that Pete and Manu are there (really? You are on MKR and you are shocked that Pete and Manu are there?). Pete is looking as sparkling as only someone with no carbs, sugar or fat in their body can look.
We go through the menu. Everyone has a nasty comment to make, and Ash is being a super bitch. Someone also says they need to "bring it" (cliche number 5). Robert says nothing nasty,because he is from Texas. Ash wants them to smoke their own salmon. Because she can smoke her own salmon. I can smoke my own cigarette (but only when I'm really, really drunk).
The Stacks are up YO (had to get the Breaking Bad reference in there somewhere). Shaz and Jac are happy. Pete is happy, or is he???........... YES!!! Pete is happy (you trickster) Cue the happy soundtrack.
Manu says that stacks are dated, but then the happy piano piece of music starts, and even though we need some salt, pepper and lemon- we are HAPPY! Cue the happy song. Ash is disappointed that they didn't smoke the salmon. I am disappointed she didn't straighten her hair.
Back to the kitchen. The lamb is cooked, but the smashed, cracked or whatever they are potatoes are hard. Meanwhile at the table Ash is making weird looks with her eyes and it talking about shiraz. I'm not going to lie- that lamb is not looking flash. It looks sort of like the plastic lamb chops that you get in a kids supermarket play set. And that is not good. At the table Gina shocks everyone by saying she likes her lamb medium to well done. Manu picks himself up of the floor. Robert tells cowboy stories. He has lots of stories. He also says things like " a cat on a basket ball" I like that.
Back in the kitchen we are having a sauce / presentation dilemma. They are worried it says Sunday Roast. I am thinking it says a whole lamb on a plate. Those portions are HUGE. Manu doesn't like his lamb. And his potatoes are crushed but uncooked. Pete is also not happy. And neither is anyone else. At this stage I am also convinced that Ash has spent a lot of time practising her facial expressions in the mirror. She would give Jim Carey a run for his money.
Manu has hit the kitchen. They drop the blue cheese bombshell on Manu. He is concerned. This is turning into Gorgonzola Gate. Dessert is ready... They put the plates down. Chaos reigns!! There is .....CHEESE ON THE CRUMBLE!!! Pete and Manu exchanged knowing glances... Manu says the flavours go together....YAY! In a cheese platter OHHHHHHH. Pete is struggling. The gorgonzola is just dominating. Got I hate it when the cheese is dominating.
Basically everyone hates it. It was not a good surprise. But to be honest I am actually finding Annie's pink lipstick and coral blush more dominating. Her coral blush is to her lipstick what gorgonzola is to a crumble. A bad surprise.
Scores are in. They are not good. 5's and 6's across the board. Pete and Manu's scores aren't much better- 8's for entree, 5 and 4 for main, and 3 for dessert. Total score 59. Oh dear.
Don't worry- maybe tomorrow night Kat and Andre will stuff up. Oh bloody hell- they are going to "smash it "and high 5 each other. I bet she wears Lorna Jane motivation singlets.
Give me strength.
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