There is something I have been sitting on for the last week, and wasn't really sure about whether or not to deal with it, but I have decided today, that in my new mantra of not hanging onto shit- I'm going to deal with it. It goes against my other mantra of keep things as light as possible because everyone is going through their own shit, but .... here goes.....
Sooooooooo- as most of you know and those who know me well know I have been sick for the last 9 weeks with Ross River Virus. I have also been off work for the last 9 weeks. Signed off by my doctor and my psych. I have never had this much time of work (except for when I was on long service leave)- hence why I had 95 sick days. I am sick. In fact I have never been this sick in my life and I would never wish this on my worst enemy.
My days are spent for the most part in bed, on peoples couches, at the doctors or psych, or on my veranda with my dogs and cats smoking like a chimney. Except for a few hours a day when I get out of bed to go on what I call my "excursions" which I am doing under the advice of both my psych and my doctor. My excursions may be going to the shops, going out for lunch/dinner/drinks and every day I go to the pool for a swim (once again because my doctor told me I have too).
The problem has arisen because it has got back to me because I have posted things on social media people are ( behind my back) questioning how sick I really am- because I am making it look that way. I'm not going to lie- that 1 second snapshot of my life right now does look great. Because I am making it look that way. I do look good right now. I am sporting a fab tan, I have lost a bit of weight and when I know people are looking I always make sure I am smiling and looking happy.
What I am not posting is me in my pyjamas all day ( and yep I even went to the shop in them), lying in my bed which I don't even bother making anymore because I am back in it at least every 45 minutes, my house which is filthy and has washing that has not been folded for 3 weeks because I don't have the energy to do it.
I don't post photos of my self wearing the same clothes I have worn all week because deciding what to put on is too hard, I do not post the photos of me before I have built up the courage to leave the house, or when I leave where I have been because my anxiety is so bad. I don't show that I can not sit still when I am out for longer than 15 minutes, I do not show my chain smoking in an attempt to control and calm my mind. I am not showing photos of me trying my hardest to sleep because I am exhausted, but sleep is eluding me so I am awake until 1am and the up at 4. I do not show the amount of pain killers I am on to make it through the day.
What I am showing you is the me that I once was, and the me that I am hoping to be again once I get through this. The social media posts are because I have been advised by my psych that that is who I am, and in order to get me back, I have to start acting like me again.
I haven't posted misery shots, or misery posts because I think, quite frankly it's boring. I don't think anyone really wants to know, because trust me it's not that exciting. But I am disappointed that people who I am "friends" with are questioning me and my health.. In the words of my psych " I shouldn't have to offer anyone an explanation", and I don't.
I guess this is a thank you to the amazing people who have been by my side, and have seen me through the down, sat with me as I have cried or stared into space and look at my facebook and instagram and say " thank God we got her out of the house and out of those bloody pyjama's- and she even slapped on a bit of makeup".
And to the people that are questioning how sick I am..... well you can go fuck yourself, and please feel free to unfollow me, because you are no longer welcome to be part of my life.
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