No matter how bad your life is... I can make you feel better.

I am starting this blog with a disclaimer. I am currently sitting poolside at a Villa in Bali where I have done nothing for the last three days but swim, have massages, eat amazing food and drink. And did I mention the part about drinking.

The reason I tell you this is because this blog is about not matter how bad your life is right now- I take you shit and I up you my shit. I hope you are sitting down. 

With out delving too much into my back story lets just say the last 18 months have been "testing", or maybe as I like to call it the 18 months of losing pretty much everything- my dream job, my marriage, my ability to do my most favourite thing in the world which is actually running (not drinking- thank God I can still do that), my football team is playing shit and lets not even start on the "new and improved" BBQ shapes formula. I have actually learnt to roll with the punches quite well and learnt to laugh. In fact when people are ask how things are my standard answer is always " You don't want to know."
So lets fast forward to the last three weeks. It goes like this...

1. I go to the Dr. He tells me that now I am 45  I need a health check. And then he put on a "health plan" for my chronic illness (what illness? Old age?) 

2. I had to go and had my bloods done- which I told him " No need! I have been tested for every ailment under the sun in the search for the solution to the forever fractured leg" OR SO I THOUGHT. Fast forward to getting the results to find out I have border line diabetes AND high cholesterol. 

3. He told me I need to " re assess "my diet which by this stage he is convinced consists solely of Mc Donalds twice a day washed down with copious amounts large caramel lattes topped with cream. After I had a mild hysterical break down he talked me off the ledge in his smoother than milk chocolate African voice and told me that if I wasn't surviving on that diet I just had a defective body that had lost the ability to process food. His solution was for me to use my Nutri Bullet (he fell on the floor laughing when he realised I was the only white woman in the world not to own one " What do you mean you have no nutri bullet?? How do you drink your smoothies?" " I don't like smoothies". ' But you white??!!!???" Ok- he may not have said that last bit but I could see he was thinking it) and eradicate anything that resembles food out of my diet. At this stage we may have had a bit of a fight. It was like a scene out of My 600lb Life. I started to sulk and say things like " I don't like bananas" "Texture makes me gag", and when he said that lions only eat once a fortnight I told him that this was the reason that they kill people. Because they are fucking hungry. Then I relented and said I would try his dumb diet, because I know it wasn't going to work. I was looking forward to coming back and telling him his South African witch doctor magic was crap. I also told him to not expect me to follow his dumb diet when I was in Bali. 


4. So my aim is to alkaline my body. I am only to drink a banana, spinach, lemon and raison smoothie until 4:30. And then it is no meat, no dairy and nothing fun for the rest of the day. I eat green and I spend my life ordering my coffee apologising for being a wanker and ordering a soy latte. The upside is I did lose some weight. And I felt better. And I didn't crave sugar. Or bread. Or food. The downside is I can never be far from a toilet. All those greens come out faster than they go in. 

I did cause some amusement to the kids I teach who all laughed and may have snapchatted me drinking my green smoothie and asking me daily where my baby poo drink was.

The second and most devastating event was.... I killed my most favourite thing in the world. My iphone. I had kept my shit together for 18 months. I drown my phone. I lose my shit. I think my son will never recover from seeing his mother hunched over the computer sobbing hysterically cradling my beloved phone wimpering "Come back... come back...." Just like Rose in Titanic.

This is me. Leo is my phone. New phone.... I will never let go.

                                 
Lets just say I have all the material I need for my next blog which should be 10 things to never say to someone who has killed their iphone. Lets just say for the record I know I shouldn't have put my drink bottle in my bag without checking it was shut properly. ( I know mum - seriously my generation ) I also know I should have plugged it back into the power until I had put it into rice for 24 hours. ( but could someone have told me that EARLIER??). 

So as I am attempting to make sense of my world at the moment and believe everything is a lesson these are the things I have learnt

1.Don't eat greasy Chinese after you have had a week of alkaling your body. And if you do make sure the toilet is no more than 10 steps away.

2. Don't be lazy and not back up your phone for a year because you can't be bothered walking up the stairs. You will lose all your data and every photo you have taken for the last 12 months.

3. Nutri bullets are actually pretty good and life changing. And they make the most amazing Espresso Martini slushies, and don't even start me on the strawberry daiquiri

4. The grief you feel when you kill you iphone is real. And it hurts.

5. Things can always get worse.

How to organise a week of clothes.

So last time I talked about clothes, I told you about how I was in a rut. I was wearing the same thing all the time. So since then I have managed to mix things up- well on the week days anyway. Week ends I am still firmly in the "active wear whoops I forgot to have a shower and there is no point because it is nearly time to put my pyjamas on so why bother" frame of mind.

I would call this a grown up dress. Not overly practical in my line of work. I found this on ASOS and it was under $100.

I'm not sure about you but week mornings are hectic. Some mornings after I exercise I have 25 minutes to get my self ready, put my make up on, wake up my daughter, feed my animals and make breakfast. There is no time to stand in the shower and decided what I will wear. So as much as I hate to admit it- I plan my outfits roughly a week in advance. This is what I do.

1. Plan what my exercise routine will be. At this stage it is Monday, Wednesday and Friday's are a spin class. This means I will be home at 7- so I have 30 mins to get ready. Tuesday and Thursdays I swim. This means I will be home by 6:30 but it also means I will have to wash my hair. This is a process- that takes a bloody long time. 

This is more what I would wear. Stripes dress it up- and pants are practical.

2. Check the weather for the week. At the moment it is Winter and where I work it gets really, really cold. So I work out what will suit the weather. This week is going to be bloody freezing and wet- so all crappy. This means I will have to wear lots of layers- thick socks under boots, singlets, fleecy stockings- then I can wear "normal" clothes and a coat. Also if it wet this means I will wear my hair up- because it will just go frizzy.

3. Work out what you have on for the week. I have duty on a Tuesday so I walk around so comfy shoes are in order. Thursday and Fridays I teach the least, but I do lots of walking around, but as I'm not teaching it also means I won't be doing any work where there is a chance I might have to climb under tables, or move stuff so I can wear dresses.  I also have two meetings this week with important people so I will pull out my " I'm a teacher who is also a member of the Board so I am very grown up dress". I also see if I'm going out after work- so my outfit can go from school to work.

This would be my Friday look. Same pants as with the stripes but I black t-shirt. I would have a singlet underneath and thick socks with some boots. I would also have either a denim jacket or a long line cardy. Also throw on a scarf for some colour.

4. Go on the internet and get some outfit ideas. This can come from Pinterest, magazine sites, wherever. You can look for things you already have and see what you can mix them up with.

Now I am not that organised that I write down my outfits, but I have a good visual image, so come the morning all I need to do is have my shower and then grab my outfit. 

Done, done and DONE.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 6. With Spoilers.

I forgot to blog about the last episode of Game of Thrones. There is a very good reason for that. Because it was very, very forget-able. And not just because Jon Snow did not appear in the episode.  This episode left me feeling a little sad. Because it was crap. I felt like it was really beginning to show that the books have run out. But luckily I have watched this weeks episode and we are back on track. Especially the bit when..... JOKING! You won't get any spoilers until at least Thursday.

Act 1. The poor love is now in charge of dragging bloody Bran, now that poor Hodor came to an untimely end holding the door. She gets attack by the bloody white walkers, but then a man on a horse comes up and saves them. Now just between you and me I really think Bran would want to start doing something pretty special because he is becoming a bit of a dead weight. All he does is dream weird stuff and he is just causing trouble left, right and centre.

Act 2. Sam and Gilly and little Sam are in a carriage and are going to Sam's parents house. Meeting the in laws never goes well, especially when you have eloped and you find out they live in a really big castle. I am starting to question why poor Sam wanted to live with Jon Snow. Oh hang on- I just answered my own question. Needless to say- Sam's mum and sister are ace and his dad is mean, hates Widlings and the only thing he hates more than Wildlings is Sam. Sam gets mad and steals his dad's sword and runs off with Gilly. And Sam's dad is in so much trouble because Sam's mum stormed off. 

Sam's house. Told you he is rich

Act 3. Margaery has decided she has found God which stops her from having to do the walk of shame. I'm sure you could hear men everywhere crying over that one, because they thought they were going to see her naked. She then convinces her little King husband to find God as well. He agrees even though Margaery now has to wear really ugly clothes, but at least they didn't cut her hair.

Act 4 Arya is at the play again and is getting ready to poison the lady and then she decides she likes the lady, and she is Arya Stark and not the girl with no name and she decides to no longer be an assassin and finds her sword. The girl who has been mean to her, asks the man who looks like Jesus if she can kill Arya and he says " Sure- why not'. 

Act 5 This bit is weird. This is where Marg is meant to do her nudey run but insteads tells everyone that she has found God. Jamie Lannister has finally got to turn up on his white horse and rides up the stairs but then he finds out they don't want saving and then he has to ride down the bloody stairs again. He is pissed. So is the little King who than banishes Uncle/Dad Jamie.

Jamie the King Slayer looking rather handsome in his white horse.

Act 6- Sersi is quite angry and is finally realising that maybe her parenting skills where not on point. She gives Jamie a speech about going to find a wet fish and steal their Castle. Then they kiss and cuddle like no brother and sister ever should. (if you know what I mean).

Act 7 - Bran finally wakes up and the guy on the horse whips of his scarf and ....... I have no idea who it is but apparently it is his Uncle who we met in Season 1.

Act 8- We haven't had any bad CGI for a while- so here is the chance. Everyones favourite Mother of Dragons is walking with all her people  (well they are walking she is on a white horse- just like Jamies )and then she sees the wind and realises it's her dragon. She walks off and then comes back in on her dragon and gives a talk about how she is the Queen and blah, blah, blah. They cheer. Because of course they do. She is on a freaking dragon. Who is going to disagree with her.

Thats the end. No Jon Snow. 

So here is a pic to tide you over.

Shaving your face is a thing ladies.

I have had a very boring weekend. So boring that I was looking forward to going back to work. And I have never said that. Ever.

So I did what everyone does when they have a boring weekend. I ate crunchy nut cornflakes and watched youtube tutorials. Well I also tried to film my own tutorial but I had a few too many red wines and completely messed up the smokey eye. I know it is meant to look messily tidy but this was messy messy. Lining your eyeball is not part of the technique apparently.

So watching the tutorials I came across the latest "trend". Shaving the face. For girls. Mmmm.

I have read about this before. A couple of years ago one of the ladies from Housewives of New Jersey was talking about how she did it. The I say an article which talked about the reason that mens skin was so soft was because they shaved everyday so it was really exfoliated.
Then I also remembered reading about the bearded lady at the circus.

 So shaving your face is not just a case of grabbing the old bic razor. You use products that look like this.

and have names like Tinkle (you can get these on ebay)

So what will shaving your face do for you? Well apparently it WILL make your foundation go on more smoothly and it will look flawless. According to the article I read it will NOT make the hair grow back darker or thicker.

Apparently this trend is not new, Marilyn Monroe was doing it, and it is so big in Japan that there are salons that specialise in it.

So if you are considering getting out the razor have a read of this article first- it seemed the most balanced and honest, also have a look at this video

                          

So will I be shaving my face? Hell no- I don't have time to make myself a piece of vegemite toast in the morning, let alone add another step into my beauty routine. But if you decide to go the shaved route- let me know.

Game of Thrones. I love you but don't get you. WITH SPOILERS

I love Game of Thrones. Like really, really love. But I have a confession. Half the time I have no bloody idea what the hell is going on.
I have always known this, and I watch with Google next to me. But this week was a game (no pun intended- or was it??) changer. I was so confused.
Here is my disclaimer. There are spoilers ahead. If you don't want spoilers get your shit together and keep up. Don't tell me " NO DON"T TELL ME!" and then when I ask you what episode you are up to you say "Season 2." No excuse.  I repeat. YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SPOILERS.

Just like Jon Snow. I know nothing.

Act 1- Sansa is making a coat for Jon (as would Sansa, as would I). Then she gets a message from Little Finger (who I find strangely attractive). She goes off and sees him. Just like that. Like she has ubered a horse and off she goes. Ummmm it took you 6 season to find Jon Snow and getting to Jons house was really dangerous. But you can just jump in an Uber- meet Little Finger (who for the record I am putting it out there.... I THINK IS YOUR DAD) tell him about how awful Ramsey is and then get home in time to finish hand sewing Jon's coat.

Act 2 - Arya Stark (whose name everyone pronounces differently- even her siblings) is still doing that dumb shit about being faceless. WHYYYYYYY? We all know who the girl is. Or is she just confused because no one pronounces her name right? Is that why she feels like no one? All she bloody does is get hit by that really mean girl and then Jesus keeps talking about no faces and sends her off to kill people and watch a play that sum up 6 seasons of Game of Thrones in 5 minutes. Seriously Arya there is no reason to train to be an assassin- leave it to the script writers. They will all be dead soon. Who was it you were trying to kill anyway? Even Google has forgotten.

Act 3- Back to Bran- who by now I wish was still missing. His flash back dreams are confusing the hell out of me and now he is surrounded by these dumb arse goblins (when did we meet them?) who made up the White Walkers? Huh? What?

Act 4 - The crew of the Black Pearl are waiting for the call up for Pirates of the Caribbean Part 24. While they are still in costume the Producers decide to write them in as members of the kingdom of some dirty smelling sea place. The only highlight is poor whats his face who got his you know what cut off by Ramsey running off with his sister with the boats so they are all on set for when Johnny Depp needs the money to pay off Amber Heard in the divorce.

Act 5- That good looking old guy who looks like Robert Redford (honestly what is his characters name and where did he come from? I know he was there at the start but like seriously - who the hell are you????) asks Daenerys what is a good moisturiser to use on his very dry skin because he noticed last week when she was starkers that her skin was smooth as a babies bottom. She sent him off to find a Priceline to get some Nivea. I hope she remembered to give him her Priceline card.

Act 6- Tyrian talks to a new red witch who I thought was the old red witch (haha- see what I did there old? because she is old when she takes the necklace off) but she is not the old red witch. There are like lots of them. She told the gossipy gay man( I am not judging- I love a good gossipy gay man) stuff which I didn't understand.  

Act 7- Bran is still being a smart arse teenager and is doing what he has been told not to by the old man stuck in the tree and time travels- and meets the white walker who grabs his arm. Then Bran wakes up the old guy in the tree who is really, really mad and talks to him like I talk to one of my students when I have told them not to do something which they go ahead and do anyway.

Act 8 - Sansa, Jon Snow and all their friends play monopoly. Other stuff may have happened but Jon Snow was in the scene so I wasn't paying attention. I was side tracked by how well he is wearing his half up man bun.Then he and Sansa chatted while the other Night Watchers exploded bean bags and those balls went everywhere. And he said thanks for the coat. Although to be honest I think he was thinking ' Bloody hell just lost that friggin black crow coat and now this- has no one heard of microfibre???"

Act 9- The Head White Walker finds Bran (which isn't hard because he like... can't walk) gets found by the very tall white walker with the cast of zombies from Pirates of the Caribbean who are waiting for the call up as well (see act 4). The little pixies get killed which is a bit crappy because they made them because they thought the humans where shit (bet they are regretting that move). The girl who I swear is the same girl who wants to be queen of the smelling sea people runs off with Bran who won't for the love of God wake up ( typical friggin teenagers). She tells Hodor to " HOLD THE DOOR". Bran is dreaming of Hodor as a child having a fit yelling " Hold the door" which turns into " Hodor"- which to be honest is a bit of a stretch -and by now I'm so confused about the whole time travel thing that I forget to cry when Hodor get totally smashed by the white walkers. And died. As did his dog.

Exhausted and confused all I can say is. I BLOODY LOVE THIS SHOW.

Until Monday Jon Snow. Until Monday.

Who wakes up from being dead looking like this??

Just winging it

I think if they were going to make a movie about my life I think maybe that's what it should be call - Just winging it. ( I also think they should get Margot Robbie to play me. )

This isn't me. This is Margot Robbie. Why are you laughing?

I didn't realise how much I do just wing it until this week when I was co presenting a session for teachers and the co presenter was like really organised and we had a meeting to discuss what we would do. I had planned to think about it 5 minutes before and hope for the best. She was great. Super organised. The Ying to my Yang.

This weeks Youtube video is about liquid eyeliner- because who doesn't like liquid eyeliner. But who the bloody hell can put on liquid eyeliner? And then when you can put it on - how do you get the wingey thing?

So on a quiet Saturday night I decided to film you a tutorial. It was a disaster. I filmed it with the radio on so I couldn't use the audio, I made mistakes, I finished the makeup- hated it- took it off- got eye make up remover in my eyes- got black shit everywhere including the back of my arm. And the table. And the floor. And on the dog.

When I finally finished the tutorial I was happy. Then when I watched it back today- mmm not so happy. My wing is not winged enough. But that is the trick when you are older. Your eye cannot handle a big wing. It takes over your face. So it is more of a delicate flick. 

So have a look, have a practice because soon we are going to be doing the night time look that everyone wants..... Yep - we are going to learn how to do Adele's makeup. You will never say hello the same way again.

Here is the link to the Youtube tutorial. Click on the arrow!

So have a look- and have a laugh. Because in the end I was just winging it. ( see what I did there? )

I'm in a clothing rut.

I love clothes. Like totally love. I have so many clothes it is a bit embarrassing. Although it would appear that I don't have as many clothes as one of my work friends who has 51 dresses. Yes 51. She asked me if that was excessive. My reply was  that if she loves each and every one of them it is perfectly acceptable. 

One of my other friends is going through a time of "cleansing". It has a real name but I can't remember what it is, but it goes like this- you hold you stuff and if it doesn't bring you joy- get rid of it. I don't even need to say that all my clothes bring me joy. But the problem- which isn't really a problem - is that all my clothes are either black, white or grey and if I am feeling really daring I will throw in the odd stripe.  

My work uniform for winter is an oversized jumper with leggings. And a scarf. And boots. Thats it. Done. Comfy, classic and practical. Hopefully a bit stylish.

So this Winter I have decided to mix things up a bit. I have revamped my wardrobe and I have bought dresses. And I have introduced florals. FLORALS. 

My floral dress. From The Iconic- Atmos and Here. It was about $50. I got a larger size so it was a bit longer.

                                             

Well let me tell you it hasn't been an easy transition. For a variety of reasons.

1. Dresses and teaching don't go together very well.
I teach a subject which requires me to at times crawl under desks to connect cables. I have to bend over and fix computers. I even have to bend over to write on the board. In a dress this is hard. I was actually doing squats when trying to write what makes a Baz Luhrman film popular to an audience. (Yes that is really part of my job) It's hard to convince boys that Leo Di Caprio is hot when your thighs are burning.

Another of my dresses. Once again from The Iconic- Atmos and Here 

                                             

2. People look at you weird.
I can't tell you how many puzzled looks I get. The look that says ' You look wrong", or "It's nice... but not like what you wear." I understand. I look at the mirror and get confused. Kind of like when I open the camera on my phone and it is on selfie mode and I see an old person staring back at me. And then realise it's me.

3. People keep asking if I'm going to a job interview.
No- I'm just trying to look like a lady.

4. It's a but uncomfortable.
I have to keep pulling them down, checking you can't see my knickers, pulling them up to check you can't see my boobs and pulling up my tights. Why do they call them tights if they are not tight?

This is the tree pose. Yes I do stand like this. Prayer hands are optional- depending on how bad the kids are. If you are teaching Year 8's your hands are constantly in this position.

5. You have to stand and sit nicely.
I stand weird. My comfy way to stand is the Tree Yoga pose. Or I like to sit on a desk. Or sometimes I even do a bit of both-I stand but with one leg on the desk. In a dress I can't do this. I have to stand or sit nicely. Like I am Princess Kate sitting on the bench in front of the Taj Mahal. ( I have also been practising being dull to complete the look).Do you know how hard it is to sit without crossing your legs?

Yep- this is how I am now sitting. Complete with blow dry. But without the Prince.

                           
So I am sticking with it. I think I might try and reintroduce some of my staples back in, but I will keep up some variety. Mix things up, keep people on their toes. Get out of my rut. I might even go really crazy and introduce a whole colour. Like purple. Just not yet.