I've got a little bit of a confession to make. You see I like to think that I am quite fashionable, up with things and bang on trend. But there is one trend that is passing me by. The whole healthy, clean, paleo, smoothie juice food diet thing.
I have never had a smoothie. I don't eat kale. I don't own a nutri bullet and I am not into protein balls. The only type of coconut oil I am interested in is the coconut oil in a Bounty Bar, and I am happy for paleo to stay back with the cave men. I don't eat seeds unless they are on top of my rolls (white not wholemeal), and the milk I drink comes from a cow- not a almond, a soy bean or a camel. Seriously camel milk is a "thing".
Now I am not saying that I have a problem with people who do. You go and enjoy your health food. I am just not interested. I like gluten, I love carbs. It is my favourite food group - well behind chocolate. If I am going to treat myself it will be with a chocolate brownie. Not a cacao brownie. While I am on the topic of cacao -why is it pronounced ka-kow? If I have sugar I want sugar. Not stevia or agave or what ever is meant to be better for me. Pasta is meant to be that- pasta made with flour, not spelt, not quinoa, with FLOUR. If I have a chocolate mousse I want it to be made with cream and chocolate, not avocado and cacao, because that would be a avocado cacao mousse. Don't tell me you can't tell the difference. One is a freakin vegetable. And don't say one is a good fat. Fat is fat, my thighs don't discriminate.
When I drink water, I will drink water. Not coconut water. Because it tastes disgusting. If I am going to watch my weight I am not going to do a juice cleansing diet, because I want to eat my calories- not drink them. And some things should not be drunk. Like spinach. And yes I know you can't taste it when you juice it with apple juice- so maybe I'll just have a spinach salad and an apple. Actually that is a big lie- I would never have a spinach salad. I want my pizza crust to be from a dough. Not made from cauliflower.
Just because it looks like a pizza base- it does not mean it tastes like a pizza base.
I have nothing against cauliflower but it does not belong on a pizza. And don't tell me you can't tell the difference. Frozen banana blended up is not banana ice cream. It is frozen banana. I think chia seeds taste weird, and that pudding thing is just gross. Like a crunchy yoghurt but not in a good way.
This is a healthy energy snack. I say this is the most boring jar of food I have ever seen.
If I want some energy I will have some jelly lollies- not a no cook health bar made with mesquite powder, because I don't even know what that is. If I have a migraine, I'm not going to make a juice with coconut water and celery. I'm going to pop a nurofen.
Now let me be very clear once again. I have no issue with people who chose to eat this way. In fact more power to you. Just don't serve me a smoothie with oats and protein powder, or a slice piece of paleo cake. Because trust me I will be able to taste the difference. If I'm going to eat cake- I want real cake. White cake with vanilla butter cream. Vanilla butter cream made with Italian meringue. With chocolate curls.
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