A little blog about Masterchef

I am prefacing this with Masterchef has been giving me the shits for a while now. I liked it when it began and there was just good old fashioned home cooks whose idea of a "cracker" of a dish was a fab chocolate cake. It was hosted by the chick who got fired after the first season and then went on to quit sugar and make a fortune. Somewhere along the line it has all become about "proteins", "flosses" (thats shredded meat to you and me) and "the cook".

The charming home cooks have now become really annoying upstarts who have dreams of becoming a Masterchef. (Between you and me they could pop over to TAFE and become a chef if they really wanted too). They talk about their food dreams which is always really cool things like " I really want to buy a food truck" which I honestly don't understand why they can't. Do you just go and buy a caravan- borrow some cash from the bank and hope for the best?

So tonight I put Masterchef on. The episode started with all these well groomed young things getting really, really excited over Heston Blumenthal. Heston is now in the category of only needing one name. Like Madonna, Kylie or Bono. Although I actually think he is called Heston because no one can pronounce his last name - or maybe it is because like Bono he wears stupid glasses.

So after much squealing Heston comes out and sets the challenge where they are cooking Australian stuff. Like wallaby. Does anyone cook wallaby? Has anyone ever eaten wallaby? Do we need to eat Wallaby? I missed what else was on because I went and did the dishes, but there must have been macadamia nuts and ricotta cheese because the dentist (Seriously you dream is to become a chef when you are a dentist?) told me what a lemon meringue pie was, and a girl called Billie- who is very pretty-is making a parfait out of the ricotta (because on the dairy farm her mum used to make cheese out of the milk- yes she said that ).

The annoying girl who made a "floss" and added a "crumb" to her wallaby won the challenge for using the most pretentious food phrases and then she picked a cocktail (espresso martini, bloody mary and a whisky sour- I do like  a whisky sour) to turn into a food....blah, blah, blah. They then talked about acids working with the integrity of the gelatine (really), I get overwhelmed with Matts very ugly pants, the girl who looks like a young Julia Roberts and doesn't drink (sorry what?) is going to make Nans trifle- God I love trifle- another chick panics because Gary and Heston tell her she has played it safe.

Can you see the Julia Roberts thing?

Oh God! In between her over acting Sara has over whipped her meringue. Masterchef bingo is nearly complete because some one has just said "deconstructed". Sara has over whipped her meringue again (is that even possible?) and her jelly won't ball and she cries. Have a swig of the whisky love- that will calm you down. Someone is making a foam. She also has flawless red lips. I wonder what lipstick she is wearing. 

We are plating. Things aren't setting, skin is crispy, someone has forgotten the sour, people are running, someone else has made a foam, we are piping, we are making domes, jelly's won't set. THIS IS A COMPLETE DISASTER. Oh no- Sara is crying. It's ok George is consoling her. And he tells her he..... loves her?? What is going on here?

One dish up. Georgia's dish looks like shit, Jelly didn't set (was that the alcohol affecting the integrity of the gelatine). She cries. The dentist tells us he is always happy (because he is so friggin rich from being a dentist) We have some more tears because someone forgot her cherries, there is a moment of tension because Stephen forgot his lemons, Julia Roberts has managed to create a "ballsy" trifle and Sara who has had a "terrible cook" and cries. Rose has "nailed it".

This is a ballsy Trifle.

Then my husband came in and turn the tele over so I have no idea what happened. But I don't think I really cared. But I think if we have all learnt one thing from tonight it is this- "Never mix with the integrity of the gelatine."