When I grow up.....

I don't know about you but I remember thinking when I was younger that I couldn't wait to be a grown up because that would mean I would have my shit together. Except now that I am a grown up and I realise that I still don't have my shit together and have no real idea of what I want to do when I grow up. I am not very good at being a grown up. In fact it was only in the last few weeks when someone asked how old we feel. I said 17. They said no seriously. I was being serious.

Now I know technically I am a grown up, and have done many a grown up things, like having kids, having a mortgage and having a career but I still find that I have not found what I am meant to be. Now this brings a whole way of thinking- like are we ever really happy in what we are doing? Do we ever stop aspiring for more? Do we ever stop wondering if there is something more we should be doing? OR is it just something about people who live in the Western World that we always want more?

Just last week I was having dinner with some girlfriends. Now none of us are under 40, we all have "good" jobs, but we all found ourselves thinking "What else could we do?" This was really hard, because I start with the conversation I always have with 15 years old asking them "What is your passion." I think this is maybe because we are all brainwashed with the saying- "Find a job doing what you love and you will never work a day in your life."

Well I love shopping. It is probably one of the things I am really good at. Unfortunately any career path that involves shopping will equate to a not so fantastic pay packet which ultimately will lead to not so much shopping for me. My other friends were really struggling as well to find out what their hobbies were that could lead into any real form of a profitable career.

I have actually made a decision that as of next Semester I will be returning to study. I have enrolled to do my Masters of Education in School Leadership. I am going to do it part time, and externally which means apart from orientation day I won't have to step foot on a Uni campus. And just quietly- I am a little bit terrified. My terror was compounded on Friday when I went to a course and saw all the "new teachers". I could tell they were new teachers, because I got out my notebook and pen- they got out there Apple Air Books. I wrote away- they tapped away and then took photos of the screen with their iphones. Now keep in mind that last time I was at Uni the internet had not been invented and computers only sat on a desk. I felt like I was in the scene from Legally Blonde where poor Elle gets out her pink notebook and fluffy pen. 

Actually my notebook was pink. I also think I have taken a note out of Elle's book because when someone told me that I was being brave going back to study because it would be difficult I realised that it had never occurred to me that it might be hard. I think I might be in trouble.......

So to all my young readers out there- don't stress about not feeling that you have your shit together. I think that is a lie that we tell you in High School.  So unless I finally get discovered for my comedic talent, or my fantastic shopping and writing skills I will be spending the next three years finding what I am going to be when I grow up. In the mean time though I am going to lie on a beach in Bali for a while. Maybe I might grow up before I get back. But secretly deep down I hope not.