I no longer drink coffee and I am not happy.

Coffee- when did you stop being a drink and start being confusing?

Amazingly it was not something I intended to do. It was not some part of one of my many little fads to find the elusive magic bullet that would make me skinny. I love coffee and I have never trusted people who don't drink it. If you don't drink coffee what do you go out for? A wine? Oh hang on..... 

I gave up coffee for two reasons. Confusion and a sore tummy.

Lets begin with a sore tummy. Too much hot milk makes my tummy hurt. A visit to a coffee shop goes like this. I crave a coffee, I buy a coffee, I take 3 sips and then I feel sick, I throw out coffee. Now I know the easy solution is to get a black coffee, sorry, long black (I momentarily forgot cool coffee lingo). Well long blacks give me a headache. What about a long black with a dash of milk? Too watery. I have tried caramel lattes - too sweet, although I did have a really nice one at a Mc Cafe on the way home from the snow- (honestly) and I have tried Mochas where milk still an issue.

I remember when coffee and I had this relationship. We went together like Snoopy and Charlie Brown

Now lets talk confusion.  And not just my confusion that I refuse to believe that there is a difference between a latte and a flat white. The one coffee that does work is a long macchiato topped up. Well it only works if you live in Perth. If you live anywhere else in the world, the only thing you get when you order a long macc topped up is a blank expression. I know this because when I was in Melbourne I asked for one, and the Barista said- " A what? Where are you from? "You should have seen the look on his face  when I ordered a dirty chai for my daughter. (For the record a dirty chai is a chai tea with a shot of coffee).  You also should have seen the look on his face when I told him that coffees in Perth cost at least $4.50

Anyone you talk to will offer you different advice on what form a long macc topped up is. Some say a double shot latte (nope too much milk) a double shot flat white ( nope still too much milk), a long macc with extra milk( nope they don't give you enough milk). 

Some people in Perth get it wrong as well. I order a long macc the over day at a cafe and to be honest I am still confused as to what I actually got. I still swear he brought me out the water that he rinsed through the machine. One sip and I was done.

I am aware this makes me sound really pretentious with an ultimate first world problem, but if the person making me a coffee is calling themselves a Barista,( and charging me the same about of money that I could buy half a kilo of coffee beans) I can be fussy. I also don't think I am being a coffee snob. Hell my first experience of coffee drinking was a good old cup of Pablo coffee at my grandma and grandpas house. ( Two teaspoons of coffee, two teaspoons of sugar mixed with milk to a paste and then hot water poured in, it was the closest to a frothy coffee as you could make in the 80's).

So I am back to drinking tea. A boring tea drinker. It gives me no buzz whatsoever. I drink green, normal (but it must be Twinnings), ginger, peppermint or Earl Grey. I feel boring and totally uncool. If I want a coffee I have a sip of my husbands. Oh and I drink wine. That on the other hand makes me feel AWESOME!!!!!

Please feel free to offer some suggestions. I want to be cool again. And I am also a teacher. Teachers need to drink coffee. It is, like, a rule. Have you ever watched a movie where the teachers don't drink coffee?