I am starting the blog with a disclaimer. I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows the Bachelor. Ok I am exaggerating. I know the Bachelor's Aunty. Yep. Yes indeedy. The Bachelor and I are so close we are almost best friends. ( Well we would be if we met.) So with this in mind, and being mindful of the fact that his Aunty reads my blog. I will attempt to only say nice thing. Well kind of nice. Oh ok, maybe not too mean.
So, I never watched the last season of The Bachelor because there is so much about it I just don't understand. Mainly why would anyone put themselves in a situation where they have to compete for a man, and then stand by why the man (who is, of course the love of their life) dates someone else. Huh? My ego just couldn't deal with that. But as I am off singing shows and I tried the Block, but that was just like one big music video where they talked a lot, sung to the radio , the boys do the work whilst the girls go shopping, the product placement was INSANE and they did shots in slow motion.SLOW MOTION!!!! I feel I have no choice but to turn to The Bachelor.
This seasons Bachelor is a real estate agent ( which we all know is code for " I was actually a stripper before I went on the show, but I can't say that") is decent looking and has a voice smoother than chocolate. He has been unfortunate in love and has never found the "right girl". Mmmmmm he looks like that, has that voice and can't find a girl. Call me crazy am seeing issues. (although his Aunt does assure me he is a nice boy.)
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| This is Blake Bachelor. You may not recognise him in this shot because he is wearing a shirt. |
The show begins with our Bachelor standing on a cliff, he watches sunsets and then he is on the beach. Watching sunsets. The wind would be blowing through his hair ( if he had any) He wants to fall in love and believes their is the right girl out there for him. He just hasn't met her yet. Could he get any more perfect?
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| Here is Andrew G. Sorry Osher. Honestly why did he change his name? Does he think no one remembers Australian Idol? |
Andrew G sorry Osher introduces us to The Bachelor, Blake. He is 31 from Perth. He runs with no shirt on, he watches more sunsets. When he does put on a shirt it is in slow motion. He wears tight shirts. He auctions houses. He walks on beaches. Alone. Again.He has had his heart broken. He throws pebbles in the beach. Omg he wants kids. OMG he has no dad!!! We meet his mum,and Gran- He is holding a baby. He really, really wants to be a dad. A GOOD dad. He is almost too good to be true. Before we know it he is shirtless again - we see him getting dressed once more. (Dude put a shirt on. Oh ok maybe not quite yet.)
Here come the girls, who are all there to find true love and a career in the media, or at least a photo shoot in a girly magazine.
Holly is 23 and athlete, well she plays netball. She watches the water as well. They have something in common. She goes to the gym ( but she wears a top).
Anida is a dog groomer from the country. She needs to move from a dog to a man, um ok.
Sam 25 from Melbourne. She watches the ocean as well. She can BBQ. She is more than blonde hair and fake tan. Arn't we all babe.
Diana is like the Princess.Crazy. She is 28 and very immature, sorry Girly. She collects fluffy toys. I am seeing stalker psycho girl.
Chantel is 26 and she runs- with a top on. And wants love. She is an interior designer. She wants a husband.
It is time for the Glam Cocktail party- they need to make a good first impression.
And here's Blake!!!!! looking very dapper, and kind of like he works at Myer in the suit section. He likes eyes and a smile (that's code for boobs.) He wants the spark, and he is going to be respectful. The producers are just hoping not too respectful.
The music is amping up things are getting real. We are getting excited. Then we have an ad.
That hot chocolate voice says he is ready.
The limos rock up and Blake is waiting.
It's Holly. They flirt. It's awkward. She giggles. Blake says Holly has hit a home run.
Next is Sam. She nearly falls ( Blake would have caught her) She takes control. Blake is taken back. She is nervous. She is rambling. It is awkward. Blake says she doesn't know she is beautiful.( Really Blake, Really? She has gone on a tv show to compete for a husband. I think she has an idea is is genetically blessed.)
Emma is 31 from Melbourne. She has short hair. She won't last long. She is an interior designer. She only gets 5 seconds of air time.
Amber is 26 from Qld. She is from Canadia originally.
Chantelle. She has a gift. Its a heart with a chain. She made it. It is dumb
Jessica is 24 and from Sydney. She gets a violin playing and believes in romance. She is nervous. It's awkward. I think I see a spark. And not just from her dress. Blake is distracted. And gets a kiss.
Bridgit- nothing
Tiana- Nothing
Cara- zip
Lisa- Nothing
Lauren is on roller skates. Blake laughs. At her.
Louise 26 is an events planner from Qld. She arrives with a drink. It's her signature cocktail called lovely Lisa. Lisa needs some more extensions in her hair. She won't last long.
Cut to the girls talking about how hot he is and how nervous they all are. The pretty girls are all rattled by being in a room the same level of pretty.
The next limo arrives.
Yay Anida is here (yes I know her name is Anita, but if she says Anida, I say Anida). She trips. And then yanks up her dress. She says to pronounce her name just remember "I-need- her". She is nervous. And then she sings. I die. So does Blake.
Next is Amanda
Alana
Zoe
Shannon
Carla with a K
Emma
Stacey- Louise
They get no air time. I am guessing none of them is the winner.
Diana is in love. She is wearing a Tiara. I would die if I wasn't already dead from the song from Anida. She bought Blake a crown. I die. Again. She speaks like a 5 year old. Like? every thing? she ?says? is ?a question?
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| Diana, we all think we are Princess's. You just learn to keep that dialogue internal. |
Samantha- she also has short hair. She gives Blake a soft toy. She has crazy eyes. Apparently women are intimidated by her. Nope not intimidate just freaked out by the crazy eyes. And the soft toy thing.
Katrina bought her guitar. She is going to serenade him. She tells a back story to her song. She can sing. Blake starts dancing. Maybe stop dancing Blake. I think the reason he is single
Laurina is a fashion entrepreneur (nope, no idea what that means either) She introduces herself and walks off. Well played Laurina, well played.
So the girls have some booze, so it should start getting interesting. Someone has called " Game On!"and I think we have just found the drinking game for the season.
Here comes Andrew G, sorry Osher. He tells them that they need a rose. Some will get a rose during the party. Or at the end of the show. There are 24 girls and only 20 roses. Lisa tells us that a rose means if you are staying or going. Thanks for that.
Hang on there is a twist. The white rose!!! This goes to the women who has made the best impression. The chick with the white rose gets a free pass for the first two ceremonies. . The girls want the rose. They are going to fight for it. (That noise is a sigh of relief from the producers).
Osher introduces Blake.The girls squeal. Blake is overwhelmed. By all the sequins in the room. And the fake tan ( I hope they do not have white towels in the mansion) He gives the girl a talk and toasts them. So they will drink up, which always makes for better television
They are all single and ready to mingle. He chats to groups. The girls all try to out girl each other. It is reminding me of a year 8 class where all the boys are struggling to be the alpha male.
Blake comes and grabs Holly. She suddenly becomes the most hated girl in the mansion. She works in real estate as well. OMG so much common ground.I live in a house Blake, does that mean we have something in common?Oh no- two girls have gate crashed. If looks could kill those two would be dead.
At this stage I am starting to feel a little bit sad for those girls who are on TV looking so desperate. I am feeling uncomfortable. Thank god there is an ad.
Ok at this stage I need to ask how is he going to keep that voice up all season. Surely Mr Lindt chocolate can't stay that smooth forever?
Anida is getting aggressive. She is going hunting. Ok- now she really needs to remember she is aiming for a man not a dog. She wants to talk to Blake. Blake disses her. She says she is not aggressive enough. MAN not dog Anida. Man not DOG.
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| This is Anida, from the country. Not Jodie Gordon from Home and Away. She is bat shit crazy. |
He and a blonde chick are talking about kids. ( oh Blake she already has the two of you shacked up with 6 kids, and she has them all named. Blake Jnr, Ben, Bob, Brittany, Belinda and Boris)
The girls are chatting about impressions. Laurina - (I'm sorry THAT nose is not real,) says she is classy. Note to self, if you have to say it you probably aren't. She is being very aloof and hard to get. She is making Blake work for this. And then she leaves. Huh? Again? She has a major game plan. I think we have also just found out why she is single. Amber is onto Laurina's plan. Well either that or they have both read the dating book The Rules.
The ladies are still drinking. The girls are still talking about how hot Blake is. BUT STILL NO ROSES. Laurina says all her ex boyfriends look like Blake. Yawn.
Jessica and Blake are talking about family. They are talking about love. They can talk. They are getting along. The other girls can see that spark. They are getting worried. Blake is going to ask.....damn it they get interrupted. Jessica tells her nicely to rack off. Laurina is watching from the window. Her classy persona is fading into evilness.
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| This is Laurina. She is classy and in case you forget she will remind you. |
Katrina has a one on one. Blake asks her why she did not apply her fake tan properly. ( maybe she was busy singing love songs)Ok I made the bit about the fake tan up but it is a good question. Oh god! Blake has asked her to wait. Omg she is getting a rose! The other girls are going MENTAL. She would be looking really happy if her botox hadn't frozen her forehead and rendered her incapable.
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| Katrina is a singer. I think she sings two types of music. Country and Western |
Pyscho Anida is getting more psycho by the moment. She is pacing. She is crazy. She finally gets Blake. Blake looks scared. Oh god Samantha is going to cut in. DON"T DO IT! She will kill you.Ohhhh she did it. Now unfortunately I can't tell you what happens here because at this stage the cat has pissed on my daughters bed, so I have to go and sort that out. But safe to say, none got killed, but plenty of death stares where exchanged.
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| This is crazy. Sorry Samantha |
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| It's yours Jessica. I saw the spark. |
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| This is Holly. She got the white Rose. Yep I was surprised as well. |
Osher calles Blake inside. He goes and ponders where is heart is at, by the fire while flicking through their photos on an iPad. ( I'm sure he can see their soul).
The are called back. The line up like Australia's Next Top Model. He calls their names one by one. Except for the final four. Two are chicks with short hair (see I told you they wouldn't last long).Luckily he also weeded out some crazy.
They give each other fake smiles and hugs (haven't they only known each other for a few hours)
I can't wait for tomorrow night. Well except for the fact that I will be at the football. I will have to watch it online. Or not.
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